Day 1555 My heart broke but it was about time

28 05 2017

Hello world is it me you’re looking for. Yes Lionel Richie on this Sunday because he was cool and I bond with him.  I have no thing more cool to say so on to the blog.

Have you ever seen or heard of a levee or damn that was about to break or needed to. Yes they need to break  because the only way to fix something is to watch it break open not  patch it. When it breaks open the destruction of many attempted patches and piece mealing is bad but it’s a necessary evil.  it may take years but eventually all things need to be released and new built.

It the past 2.5 years I’ve had 13 people die either who I ministered to, were an important part of my life or the worst one was my mom.  I also lost a relationship that I thought was going to be a marriage, and a few other things I’ll leave alone. You can get pretty jaded to the world and numb. Grief affects everyone differently. It could take years, to start the process, it could start immediately but first and foremost its going to happen. Nobody knows how to deal with their own grief much less yours. So they say something cliché because they are at a loss for words. The intentions are the best but they say they understand even when that can’t. So most people going through grief smile, say thank you and then live in their own personal internal hell when nobody else is around. Men are raised to be tough, hide your emotions, nose to the grind stone even when you know better you still try to be tough. For me I hate others to hurt, I would do anything to take away someone else’s pain even disguise mine like I am okay. Well…..

3 weeks ago after essentially 2.5 of years of pretending to be okay, numb, zombie like some days, angry others that I couldn’t save people or that how dare God take my mom. I smiled but didn’t feel the smile. Some days I hurt like a pain that wouldn’t go away, I would sit in the quite of my house and watch the ceiling fan spin with nothing in my mind, and other times 1000 thoughts every 30 seconds. People would ask, How are you? I would give I’m good, Im fine. What I wanted was someone to hold me, take a high-powered vacuum and suck my heart dry so I could start over but they don’t make that vacuum. I would talk to God, feel good some days others not so much. I would ask him to let me feel again. I know healing and grief is a process no matter how big or small the issue.

So 3 weeks ago I was mowing the yard, listening to music and I was like my God what is going on. I promise I was so weak I let go of the mower and hit my knees but not on purpose. My broken heart, for all the pain of life that either I tried to grieve or hadn’t,poured out on my lawn. I sat down on my butt and cried,  those tears that you wondering is this going to stop. I had so many thoughts cross my mind like those Hollywood moments where pictures flash  thorough so fast its blinding. It started the end of grieving had started. everything I hid, pushed aside, fought at or said wasn’t real spilled onto my shirt.  3 weeks I’ve cried everyday until yesterday. I feel relief but you can not grieve for 2.5 years and expect it to just go away. My heart that had been so broken for so many reasons has started the stitching and my healing is real. With that I hope I can start seeing some of the good things about myself that I miss because of the butt whoop in I put on myself.

Why write this blog: Somebody knows exactly what I feel or felt. They’ve been waiting for years or just moments to start grieving. God didn’t want us to carry this burden but he also knows we have to go through the process to heal not just band-aid the situation. Dont fight the process, it will come, in the mean time a lot can leave your life. When the heart starts breaking let the cut open and let that crap I know for me it was time.

Love you and tank you for reading always





Day 1514 I Hope for 25 years

16 04 2017

Happy Easter! An amazing day especially knowing about he resurrection. As today cam  and watching a case for Christ this week. There is no doubt Jesus died on the cross and came back 3 days later.
Even the most died hard who doesn’t believe respects the fact he rose.
I think I’m tough , I’ve taken some beatings but the physical annihilation of one’s body and ultimate suffocation on a cross is something I can’t fathom.
That happened for me! For my sorry butt. It happened for you. So he could watch us commit sin after sin, but love us enough to forgive us and allow us to continue to walk this earth.
I actually will tear up tomorrow. I don’t know how to love that much. When I tried to take my life every horrible thing I said to Jesus and he allowed me to stay. He gave me another chance.
Starting tomorrow the greatest miracle ever starts. It’s not about dumb, fake green grass, a basket, Cadbury eggs ( which I love),
It’s about a man who bleed to death but still had the words to say forgive them for they don’t know what they do.
That’s my Jesus.  I know that he loves me and I will celebrate him, today and in the storm. I love you Jesus.

AS I sat in Easter service last night a couple to my right caught my eye. I knew they were in their 60s A point was made she would squeeze his leg, he would nod, at one point he reached over to kiss her. I teared up. I wondered how much life they had lived, how many Easters had they sat in service, how many fights had they had, how many horrible things have they said to each other. Then I thought how many times have they said I love you, how they dealt with the death of their parents, the amazing things of their children, the moments that they took the others one breath away. when the moments happened that the other one was there,  when they sat in a room and were the most content ever without ever saying a word. They had those days where they hated the other one, wish that they weren’t together. Or those moments were the other person thought they looked their worst they closed their eyes and thanked God that they belonged to them.

I was longing for sure. I was married for 14 years. engaged for a bit. I always wanted that 25 years with someone. That I could look at them  and say I spent more of my life with you and I wouldn’t change it.  That you have tears running down your eyes because you know God kept you together. She could have quit but stayed. Funds were low and debts were high and she just sighed. When you didn’t understand menopause but kept saying I love you. When nothing felt more right than holding her hand on a walk, or in the movies and knowing that you did something for her that nobody else knows just you two.

So service was over I tapped the man on the shoulder. I know weird question but how long have you been married. 31 years he said. I said thank you. I was watching I’ve always wanted what you have. She looked at me and said we’ve never heard that but its been the best 31 years of my life. Neither quit, never stopped loving, We all know the hell of relationships and 31 years later.

I envy those people and anyone else who fought and didn’t quit. Even when everything said too. The best 31 years of my life. I think and pray for that. I had always hoped for 25 years. Now I’m further along in life it could happen. No matter what happens I believe in true, never quit love. Society says no. I believe in hopeless romantics, love everlasting, a hug that lasts for minutes and the world stops, a piece of paper saying you have a nice butt still, I still hope for my 25 years. In the meantime I’ll continue watching and asking those that do it to fill my hope tank.

Happy Easter and Love you





Day 1112 We don’t have to agree

17 02 2016

You can say  back in the day  and people say stop living in the past. There were some really good things about life back in the day and what I’m talking about tonight in not agreeing with someone else. People used to talk about everything and had their own genuine thoughts.  We were told growing up don’t talk about politics, religion, and sex. So we didn’t but when people had a conversation even about those items they talked. Sure it got heated or passionate or whatever word you want to use but when it was over everyone was still friends, respected each other and actually thought the other person was pretty intelligent. Lets fast forward to today.

If you’re having a conversation which is an oddity nowadays or a face to face its weird. Then if you have a conversation I wonder if anyone has a thought of their own. They watched a video or read an article but you ask for someone to have an original thought and they get upset. Not only do people struggle with politics, sex, religion but if you like Oreo’s and they like chips ahoy you’re an butthole for not liking what they like. The world is a better place because we have different opinions, and thoughts. Sure I will give my two cents on anything but if I don’t know I’ll tell you and we can discuss about something I don’t know.  I get passionate about a few things especially when I know what I have been through and without you going through it (whatever the situation might be) you’ll talk out the side of your mouth and tell me I’m wrong. I’ll still respect your opinion and I’ll talk but I just know the next time who I’m dealing with. I just don’t understand why we cant value someone else’s thoughts or opinions anymore. Are we so afraid we make look like a fraud,  or stupid. Guess what sometimes we are and that’s okay.

We want to be valued but can’t value someone else just talking. Who cares, about politics, religion, sex preference, dinner, a cookie, kids etc.. Why are we so mad. Sometimes we aren’t right. I learned the hard way but other people are smart and deserve to be heard. Its amazing when we open our hearts and mind what we will learn. First try having a conversation face to face, an open mind and some listening ears. You don’t have to bring a gun to every conversation because somebody is going to lose. Usually the one bringing the gun gets shot. in this case the gun is our mouth.

Source: Day 1112 We don’t have to agree





Day 1112 We don’t have to agree

16 02 2016

You can say  back in the day  and people say stop living in the past. There were some really good things about life back in the day and what I’m talking about tonight in not agreeing with someone else. People used to talk about everything and had their own genuine thoughts.  We were told growing up don’t talk about politics, religion, and sex. So we didn’t but when people had a conversation even about those items they talked. Sure it got heated or passionate or whatever word you want to use but when it was over everyone was still friends, respected each other and actually thought the other person was pretty intelligent. Lets fast forward to today.

If you’re having a conversation which is an oddity nowadays or a face to face its weird. Then if you have a conversation I wonder if anyone has a thought of their own. They watched a video or read an article but you ask for someone to have an original thought and they get upset. Not only do people struggle with politics, sex, religion but if you like Oreo’s and they like chips ahoy you’re an butthole for not liking what they like. The world is a better place because we have different opinions, and thoughts. Sure I will give my two cents on anything but if I don’t know I’ll tell you and we can discuss about something I don’t know.  I get passionate about a few things especially when I know what I have been through and without you going through it (whatever the situation might be) you’ll talk out the side of your mouth and tell me I’m wrong. I’ll still respect your opinion and I’ll talk but I just know the next time who I’m dealing with. I just don’t understand why we cant value someone else’s thoughts or opinions anymore. Are we so afraid we make look like a fraud,  or stupid. Guess what sometimes we are and that’s okay.

We want to be valued but can’t value someone else just talking. Who cares, about politics, religion, sex preference, dinner, a cookie, kids etc.. Why are we so mad. Sometimes we aren’t right. I learned the hard way but other people are smart and deserve to be heard. Its amazing when we open our hearts and mind what we will learn. First try having a conversation face to face, an open mind and some listening ears. You don’t have to bring a gun to every conversation because somebody is going to lose. Usually the one bringing the gun gets shot. in this case the gun is our mouth.





Day 881 This is really hard sometimes

25 06 2015

My buddy Jim and I went to the Texas Rangers game last night for dollar hot-dog night. I was so pumped to eat so many hot dogs I threw up. Well I’m sad to report that I ate 3. Yep only three it’s just a sign Im getting old and hot dog are not what I imagined them to be. Rangers lost 8-2 and I laughed a bunch and that’s all that matters..

I can speak for the people close to me and my family within Rock Bottom life is a journey. Some of it has been simply amazing, the day I was married, the day my daughter and son were laid in my arms the first time, the day I got my first job out of college, when my dad said he was proud of me, when my daughter said I could stop apologizing and she was proud of me. Those are just a few of the great moments in my life but like I said its a journey. I spent more of my life in the valley, grabbing a hold of rocks and slipping down the hill, left in my own tears, watching them lower my father into the ground, telling my kids we were getting a divorce, finding out my mom had Parkinson’s, walking out of the courthouse the day of my divorce, pulling up to the hill in Aubrey Texas to take my life. I would go back further but not to bore you. Many days I wake up having no clue what I’m doing or why I’m doing it. I just trust that I’m hearing God right and let him guide me because when I followed my own way I feel into a pit and sometimes I do still. Sometimes when I hot publish on this blog, I know my trolls are about to attack. I know when I speak or post on my Facebook page Im going to get good and bad. When I speak on the radio some person is not going to agree and the verbal and personal jabs are going to hurt. Then comes yesterday!

I posted the following yesterday: Show a man his failures without Jesus, and the result will be found in a roadside gutter. Give a man religion without reminding him of his filth, and the result will be arrogance in a three-piece suit. But get the two in the same heart – get sin to meet Savior and Savior to meet sin – and the result might just be another Pharisee turned preacher who sets the world on fire.
Max Lucado
Romans 10:9-10 (NASU)
That if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation.

Two people who I have been friends with over 30 years began an onslaught of things from my past: You’re a lying fool, I remember when you pulled a gun, when you passed drugs to someone, when you beat up that guy, etc.. He pulled all my past and then stated your “Jesus” didn’t save your marriage  or the things that went with it, like your dad, your business etc.. He said I listened to your radio show on Monday and just laughed you and everyone with Rock bottom are just a bunch of attention seeking whores that are just going to hurt more than you help. I didn’t say much more than you must be trying to find something because you listened to the show and you follow me closer than most. I said I all I can do is pray for you and love. He said no need I wont be a part of your crap anymore. 30 minutes later A girl I “dated” on and off for 2 years from high school to college texted me and I got the same words essentially.  She left me these words do remember what you did to me how many more did it happen to or now. It’s like they were talking over coffee and said let’s get this SOB. That they did!

So what did it do? It made me question me more than I ever have. Yes I know it’s not the truth and its two broken people trying to attack someone in a place they can’t be right now. Very true they know my past garbage but I’m not that man anymore. I know Im not perfect and Im not trying to be. God didn’t say don’t sin, he said confess your sins. Rick with Rock bottom and I talk often how we are held to a standard of perfection and we will never be able to do that. When we don’t I promise I beat myself up enough. I am convicted now and that’s better than I ever was. Jesus walked the earth and was lied about, ridicule, and eventually they beat the crap out of him , poked holes in his body and hung him to die. So why would I think I should be treated any different? I don’t, it’s just really hard sometimes when your trying to live your life right and then you get beaten down so bad.

I know what I signed up for. I would never change any of it. I wish I could make everyone I know that I hurt that I was sorry and they believed it but that’s not on me. I have said all I can say. I ask you this: If you have people in your life that are trying to better themselves please stop beating them over the head with their past. They know much better than you how they screwed up. Give them a chance to show you and listen to them be Jesus to you because it maybe the only Jesus you see in an earthly form. If what they are saying to you indirectly or directly is affecting you it might be time to listen.

Please don’t feel sorry for me I have enough warriors on my side to get me through my journey but if this bothers you and it upsets you, I always have room for more on my journey…





Day 426 Dating age requirements

12 03 2014

I know most people don’t care I mean we feel sad but because it’s “over there” it doesn’t affect us that much but do you realize one of the largest planes built 777 and 239 people have just disappeared. No trace and with technology nothing found. Something is wrong with this whole thing. You can’t hide from anything anymore is this age of technology but an entire plane and every phone with GPS. Please and just know we think we know everything that goes on in the world and in the US. We know what we are told and that’s it!

Since I’m holding the keyboard I get to type my opinion and you can read it or not. Some won’t agree with this but get to the end and I promise you’ll agree with that. I saw a friend post about dating age on Facebook this week and I wanted to help. So based on my experience and what all the other wise people have taught me here it goes. Oh and just FYI if your married and you have never been divorced it’s really hard for you to give accurate dating advice.

This starts at 18 and goes to 99 I guess but I want to talk about my age group. There’s  about a ten-year difference each way. Im 38 so 28 is my cutoff. I think around 50 is my top. So what is this based on. I have very little in common with someone in their 20’s. Yes some more than others but most are just get their life started and I have lived a lot and wouldn’t dare want to take away from their experience. They haven’t been married or had kids. Now you find someone around that age who has at least been married or had kids then  we have more in common and can start there. To a 50-year-old I’m sure Im still a kid and again we don’t have as much in common. Yes we have been married, divorced, their kids are older and they may not want to go back to small kids. They are wiser and don’t want to relive the crap of the past. Bottom line they are reverting backwards and may not want to. Older people know what they want and don’t want better than the 20 somethings for sure.  There is always what society thinks as well which I truly think people care about more than anything. They have to look like this and if they don’t then what do I do. Or your family is always helpful in helping you pick someone to date. (No never go that route) Now you want the truth and what I truly believe now.

Yes everything in reason It really doesn’t matter what the hell I think or you think! If you find someone you can love, they make you happy, and you can build a life together then go for it. Sure everyone has the answers but the only answer that matters is yours. It doesn’t matter, age, color, looks, money, religion. All relationships have problems and issues (even if you pick the right stuff). If Gods in control then anything is possible.So just ask whoever it is you’ll know when you get the feeling. If someone or society doesn’t like in the words of my grandma stick where the sun doesn’t shine. If your worried about what other people think anyway your relationship is going to fail in the long run because your focus is on others and not your relationship.





Day 147 WTF is up with my past

2 06 2013

This is going to be a long one so please bear with me , I may bounce around and apply some feedback. I love my church and pastor Cross Timbers Community Church and pastor Toby Slough. When I need to hear something the most I always get what I need to hear. Today was no different and in the Summer we do a movie series called reel to real. Today’s movie was Legend of Bagger Vance. If you want a movie with a message  that we all need to hear this it. It’s about Golf but so much more than that its about overcoming our past.

I have had a shitty 6 weeks especially dealing with my mom her Parkinson’s, Last week her jewelry was stolen (All the items my dad gave her) and on Friday evening our barn was broken into and the last items left over from my dad were stolen. I have had a lot of work issues which have led to money problems and then which leads to my past returning.

Let me be honest and say I hide my blog and text now. I write all of this great information and knowledge and apply it about as well as a teenager does about not being moody. I’m a coward and I haven’t laid my past down yet. I’m being honest that’s all. I know many people will say why do you do this and I’m being honest because honestly you won’t. Did you know the number 1 issues that counselors are dealing with now is an epidemic called Facebook depression. Yes we all read people Facebook postings and wonder why our lives aren’t that great. Yes we are that stupid and believe. We know better, we are all broken, hurt, fearful and we want people to think we are the greatest thing PB&J. Were not but its easier to lie to ourselves and others. Those people who are the Amen and Halleiugh people at church are the same one’s that go home drink a beer to hide, eat a chocolate bar, sniff crap up our nose, fight with our family but once we walk out the door act like we are the Brady bunch. Well remember the Brady bunch was a screw up family outside of TV.

So I say all of this why? I can’t shake my past. Especially when bad shit happens. Religion says, Pray more, talk to God, pick your self up. Bible says that in the midst of the fire, the storm, God is there. He doesn’t condemn us. So why do I do it every minute of my life. I’m a coward, I’m afraid to succeed, I’m afraid to be happy because this uniform of shit I wear has become pretty comfortable. I could have had the best women in my past already, or in my face right now but I want whoever she is to go away. I’m not worth it. I’m a giant _____ fill in the blank.

Do you know why the windshield is bigger than back window because your future is bigger and brighter. I just choose to look into the rear view mirror because I like the crash is coming. Now I will tell you know I don’t want that but that’s what I’m doing. It’s not what you say it’s what you do.

Trailer Legend of Baggar Vance

Today in the movie The Legend of Bagger Vance Matt Damon (Junugh) and Will Smith (Bagger Vance) build a relationship on golf but it’s so much more than that. Bagger is the Holy Spirit and is always with Junugh. The story goes Junugh was a great amateur golfer maybe the best and then he got drafted into World one. Everybody in his troop died except Junugh. He came home and for 15 years didn’t talk to anyone except the bottle and came one with it. A giant golf tournament was coming to Savannah Georgia with the best pros in the world and Savannah wanted one of their own and insert Junugh. Junugh had lost his swing because his past had become his swing. Bagger becomes his caddy and they get to this tournament and Junugh was doing great and then the past enters. He hits into the deepest woods of the golf course and he’s there with just him and the ball in the midst of the crap of the woods.  (Insert Tyler) He is about to reach down and do the easy thing and move the ball for a better shot and Bagger appears and : Says you looking for a different club? Junugh: I can’t do this, Bagger yes you can. Juugh: No you don’t understand.  I can’t carry this burden. Bagger: You have to lay this burden down, you have to start. Junugh: I don’t know how. Bagger: You have to believe and just start. I’m here with you.

The only power he ( the devil) or others have over me is the power I give them. I know I have to start and I know what the world, religion says. I have to lay down my past. I have to try to see what others see in me. If I don’t I will die a lonely, defeated, broken man who let down my children. I don’t want that.

I hope you can realize with me as I walk this journey that you have to lay it down and realize its okay not to be okay. Being real is okay! Please pray for me and everyone your surround by.








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