Day 2018 Christmas time with Hickory farms and white diamonds
22 12 2018Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: advice, blog, blogging, changes., cool, dad, decorations, faith, gifts, happy, hickory Farms, I love you, inspiration, learning, Life, merry Christmas, mom, myself, relationships, rock bottom, truth, White diamonds, writing
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Day 1986 Don’t read this blog because Im just whining today
20 11 2018This is going to be a tad bit long, and real, but if you are one of these people STOP READING NOW: You got life figured out, you always have the right answer, if every one of yours prayers are answered, the person in the mirror always answers all of your questions, you never struggle with any addiction, depression, loneliness, anxiety, money issues. If you trust God everyday and never doubt him, or when you give it to God its gotten,
Im writing this today so you understand what real is, not what we choose to put on social media, or life about when someone asks how’s everything going. I know we can always put a positive spin on everything and usually I do but I’m talking to those who struggle and feel alone.
4 weeks out of the year depression gets me. It usually lasts a week out of a time , which means 11 months out of the year I do pretty, anxiety creeps up on me, money issues grab me all of that is now. Everyone has money issues if you have money or you have money. It’s all spins just differently. Most of the people reading this are Christians, you can send me scripture, or tell me to give it to God, say this to shall pass. And guess what I know what! I get it. I’ve been a Christian since I was 7. I’m talking about when you said and done all the right things and the pain is there, Why did my engagement ended 2 years ago, why did it not workout with a woman I waited for, why do people die that shouldn’t and people who should don’t (yes I’m judging), Why do people hurt other people (yes I know the answer Im typing out loud), Why do I lay in my bed at night knowing Im a great man hear so much silence,, and now I can count the ceiling fans even as they turn. When I speak to the man in the mirror, he lies, but I believe the lies. Even though it’s not my fault when I try to help someone but they blow their head off anyway well its not my fault. I know its not but the shit hurts.
Why do complicate life so much that when we get to heaven God says really you thought that day I gave you a flat tire because I wanted to punish you. Don’t you think I have more to do than that. Someone asks I cheated on my wife what I do, First of all stop, go tell her and deal with the consequences. (I can’t do that) well you’re screwed then. I get depressed it runs deep in my family, I’m there now and I get told just get up. Of shit wait a minute let me run over to that get off my ass switch that I missed and flip it on. How about when you ask me how Im doing I lie and tell you how Im doing I say good and so I don’t hear some dumb response because now you will feel uncomfortable if I told you the truth.
You see I’m a good man, Christian, daddy, friend. I just hurt like you do. Doesn’t make me weak, doesn’t make me less than a man than I was. Im real, Im honest, I try to help, motivate, lift you up on a daily basis because believe me the messages I get from people they are wanting real, and not to feel like they are alone. So as you have that pill to get through that Christmas part, or that drink to take the edge off, or gossip about someone to make you feel better, or you give thoughts and prayers but you forget to actually pray just stop, think I have been there in my life and I might just want to be careful before I put my magic wands of bullshit out there.
So there you go. Im struggling now. That’s real, raw and honest. I would tell you that I don’t care what you think but that’s what people tell others that care what they think. I love you people and Im sure I will get a bunch of wth is wrong with you, or he’s losing it. Nope I wrote this because I know at 1 person needs this. Were all going to be okay I know , I know. That doesn’t stop the pain today. So judge if you want, people judge can’t stop it just know the pain of the world is deep and we can all cover the bullshit with leaves but you’re going to step in it sooner or later.
Just try to love, be real, and quit trying to cover up life with BS. This to shall pass lol.
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Tags: advice, blog, blogging, changes., christian, consequences, daddy, faith, family, feelings, happy, I love you, inspiration, Life, lost, myself, relationships, religion, rock bottom, sad, truth, work
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Day 1957 My son started his warrior journey Saturday
21 10 2018Long time no blog. Life has been about as roller coaster as it comes and I haven’t sat down to blog which I should have because it helps, but here is my beautiful typing fingers. I truly appreciate you reading.
Saturday my sons team suffered their first loss on their football season. He’s hard to block and so he got chopped blocked which means one kid goes high and one goes low. After the pile up my son was laying on the ground rolling around in pain. My stomach sank I went down to the fence and they pulled him up and he limped to the sideline. He came over to me and he showed me his shin and it was already bruised. He had tears and said dad this really hurts.If you have never hurt your shin it’s so painful
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Tags: appreciation, blog, blogging, faith, football, I love you, I'm sorry, inspiration, Jesus, Life, pain, relationships, rock bottom, roller coaster, son, Sports, truth, warrior, writing
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Day 1891 Please don’t kill yourself
13 08 2018Meet the teacher tonight. I have a jr. in high school and a 4th grader. My Lord time is passing faster and faster everyday as I get older. Here’s to a great year for all of you!
I was sent a video today by one of my friends. It’s by Clayton Jennings called Stop, Please don’t kill yourself. Theres a tad of irony in that fact that is the month 7 years ago that I was ready to go. The noise in my head was loud, the pain that I felt in every step, in every fake situation I played up. I told goodbye in my silence knowing I wouldn’t see them again even though they had no clue this was the last time they would see me.
Depression was like a bag of Oreos for me. I could eat line after line with no thought. I could only think of the skin i was saving, the people who could breathe easier knowing that I wasn’t there. My kids that didn’t need this broken, failure of a man. I cried more those 2 weeks before the day came. Tears of joy for others and tears that I couldn’t believe the failure I allowed, the brokenness that started as I came out of the womb. I remember a primal scream I let out in my car that I’m surprised didn’t shatter my windows. Suicide was my only way!
If I could tell you anything I would tell you its a season of life. Your damn right it hurts, probably the worst feeling you have ever had. If you choose to walk with the devil you will hold his hand. His whispers are loud and believable but you ave to yell out I mean really yell out tell the devil to leave you. You want to talk about courage fight the devil when he is partying in your head. That is courage but you cant do it alone! I believe in God! He never said it was going to be easy. I thought being a Christian was supposed to be easy but when I didn’t understand I blamed God and said you fix it or I end it.
God rose up and he grabbed my hand and said I know you ready so come on. I fought some days and others I just gave in because I was tired not physically but in life. So I stood up but if you believe this is easy you are delusional. You see what I allow you to see, you don’t see this heart or these tears. I spend a lot of time by myself. I do know if I dance with the devil i lose. So I beg you just today stand up. don’t worry about tomorrow. Deep inside your soul the best is there. You just forgot it. reach out, ask for someone to just hold you, ask them to just shut up and listen.
I’ve never known one person that took their life that made this world a better place. You were wanted, needed and so missed. God will see you through it. It might be category 6 hurricane in your life but please don’t take your life. I love you even if I dont know you. I never want one person to sit in their car on a hill yelling, crying with snot bubbles praying that this death goes slow because thats what I deserved. so I’m here!
Stop please don’t kill yourself!
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Tags: advice, anger, blog, blogging, brokenness, courage, depression, devil, Failure, family, God, I love you, inspiration, learning, Life, my kids, myself, noise, please dont kill yourself, rock bottom, school, self help, suicide, the fight, truth, whispers, your soul
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Day 1863 Screw your 3 step process
15 07 2018Happy Sunday beautiful people. The great thing about Texas this time of year is when you grill you don’t have to light a fire just sit the food on the grill and the heat does the magic. Its 105 today! Im to old for this crap but hey my tan is coming along nicely. So let’s get to it
The one thing I believe that our world is lacking in is perseverance. What is perseverance .persistence in doing something despite difficulty or delay. We live in a microwave society not a crock pot society. We put our life in for 30 seconds and at 25 seconds were like my God why is this taking so long. rather than sitting it simmer for 8 hours and tada we have a meal.
When life gets to hard people just quit. If you want hope or anything worth something is going to have to hurt just a little at least. It takes time, lack of understanding, suffering. Its watching the crock pot and it doesn’t even look like in the first 2 hours anything is happening. The best things in my life I have waited on. Now in the midst of waiting (I’m very impatient) i talked so much crap, got angry, cried and then boom. Like after my divorce I was like okay i thought I was supposed to be feeling better already. I mean I followed this 3 step process to getting better. Well hello there is no 3- STEP PROCESS FOR LIFE. What I did in my process is 99% going to work for you because you are not me and Im not you, I can’t help you understand what i felt in my process because it was mine not yours. So no matter what my intentions were there is no process. What I do know is that there was perseverance and when the after divorce light came on I was like I get it. If I would have tried to microwave my life I would have been divorced again because honestly my demons were still running rampant and I didn’t know it.
You every heard joy come sin the morning but in the small print it says this crap hurt or hurts really bad. Well Im in a stage of life where I put my life in a microwave, I’ve had to pull it out of the microwave and put it in the crock-pot turn, it on and leave it. This has been very painful but I remembered there is no 3 step process, and it will hurt, but the outcome will be exactly what it should be.
Stop looking for easy. Learn to be perservant and not quit. the best things in life are earned through hurt, pain, being uncomfortable but the joy does come in the morning and I’m living proof of that.
Love you and until my hands are ready to type again.
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Tags: 3 step process, advice, blog, blogging, changes., delay, difficult, faith, grilling, health, Honesty, I love you, impatient, intentions, its worth it, joy, just quit, learning, Life, m life, My God, pain, perserverance, suffering, Texas heat, this hurts, uncomfortable, understanding, writing
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Day 1828 I dont need you but want…
25 06 2018Welcome to the season of we Texans call hell. Its hot but not just hot, your skin stings. BO is a 3 minute monster, some people’s legs chap, beads of sweat are your friends, and the smell of bacon cooking off of a bald men’s head is a pleasant smell. Well anyway come to Texas you eventuality tan to a some color other than red.
I was actually asked to write by 3 people they missed me. It’s not that I don’t want to just sometimes there’s so much it feels like theirs nothing. but here I go.
In counseling I used the word I need a lot. I need this person, i need this job, this house. Over a period of time I got straightened out fairly well. We as humans need only these things. Three basic needs of humans are drinkable water, nourishing food and adequate sleep, according to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. The ability to breathe is also necessary for humans.
So there you have it blog is over.. No wait, I get really tired of hearing I need her or him. If that was true the moment they left we would die, or how did we make it all of those years without them. (Tyler come on your being dramatic). I understand the feeling of need but there is no need to want anybody. Now when you want the other person you have got something magical. Wanting someone allows you to do more for them. If you need them you expect them to do things they can’t or wont. Wanting holds no expectation and when you get it you feel overjoyed, blessed and lucky to have them. rather than I must have them, they need to do this for me. Do we all need love and respect yes but we can discuss that another time too.
Here’s what this means for me. I can never be a mom and a woman can’t be a dad. What I can do is be the best man I can possibly be in my life. I cannot perform the function of a woman so when the one comes into my life I will appreciate her so much more. I can do whatever is needed to provide to my kids, I can love them, I can love others, I can change my part of the world, I can do and be better always. If a woman never shows up in my life for whatever reason and decides to stay I will still be the amazing man that I am with or without one. I don’t need her to live. BUT if I find the woman I want i will experience love like I pictured in my head, my heart will be full, my family will be complete again. I will have a true partner that i always wanted. My problem is I thought I need a woman to be whole, be a better man, love my kids more, help change the world. Truth is I needed me to be the person i was designed to be.
This might be a completely foreign concept- need vs want. You want to be successful in a relationship find the things you want and you work on you being what you need for yourself. Stop making people out to be a need. What happens when they leave or die. Then you die? No you hope the one your with mourns, misses you but can pickup and continue to want whats missing but can live because they now the basic needs.
I always appreciate you reading and WANT you to continue. Peace out peeps
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Tags: advice, blog, blogging, breathing, change the world, changes., faith, family, food, hierarchy of needs, I love you, I want you, inspiration, learning, Life, lost, love others, marriage, my kids, myself, need vs want, relationships, self help, sleep, successful relationships, truth, water, writing
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Day 1871 is the past the past
30 04 2018Another week and another day getting Balder. Man the patch on my head if I let me hair grow just a little bit looks like i have mange. Also the fact next week my daughter will be 16 I’m officially getting more seasoned. I don’t use the word old.
The past is the past or is it? I believe it is. What I did in my past will never change. I’m sorry, and wish more than anything I could change the pain i caused people, the people I stepped on to get what I wanted, the conditions I put on people that I wouldn’t follow, the relationships I wrecked because of fear, or the men I hurt because honestly it made me feel better. I paid my penance and some days I relieve it. I will never forget what happened or what I did but I’m taking my past to help change people’s lives. I never thought one day I’m going to take this crappy relationship or whatever and help change people lives. I wish you could have been with me when my life started the tumble that I saw coming (at that point it was too late). Would I blow my brains out, try to drown slowly, have a car crash, or just ove dose. I get it and I was alone during my walk by my choice. People who struggle with anger, self-worth, addictions, sex, manipulation. Why do i do this because people harbor their past and live in it. Living in the past will kill you one way or another. I want to help the people who want to learn from their mistakes and never stop moving forward, even when they take two steps back. For the people that have so much tied to their past relationship, but break those chains to start fresh. We’re a rare bird but we attract other rare birds which is one cool flock.
If you’re a person that constantly reminds people of their past, or you can’t forgive them of their past especially when trying to get better! You’re the one with the problem. Get out of the relationship. You need help. Don’t crush someone else because you can’t deal with yourself.
The past is the past and if you hold that against someone you need to be someone else’s past. People can never change if you continue to slap them with things that can’t be changed. Yes you can mend fences but what caused the fence to fall wont be forgotten. Its our job to look past the past and try to help that person move forward, if you cant, please step away, remember grace is a 2 way street
God died on the cross to forgive our sins from tomorrow, today, and yesterday. So stop playing God people, it is finished, let it go. He died for everyone, not the ones you can’t forgive. Dont try drinking a cup of poison and hope the other person gets sick.
Love you all.
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