Day 814 The prison walls

Rain and more rain. We were in a horrible drought for about 4 year’s but i think we are catching up. Bad part is baseball games are getting canceled. At least we get to sleep in. Boy life is throwing everything it can at me in the last 2 weeks. Its testing faith and so its time to put my money where my mouth is and either believe with my faith or throw my hands up. Option 2 really isn’t an option.

One of my favorite movies ever is Shawshank Redemption. There are so many life lessons in the movie. One of my favorite quotes “Get busy living or get busy dying”. There are many more. There is one section which I used to think about all the time and it was when Redd was talking about the prison walls. “Believe what you want. These walls are funny. First you hate ’em, then you get used to ’em. After long enough, you get so you depend on ’em. That’s ‘institutionalized” I’ve never been to prison but I have visited at least 3 friends there. I hated every minute of it. I knew I needed to visit but I wanted out as so as possible. Every time I left I thought about my own prison I had created with my thoughts and beliefs. The walls I Hated about myself created not from brick or stone but a hardened heart and soul, My worth, how ugly I thought I was, how I had failed as an athlete, how I couldn’t make anyone happy, I was a loser husband and father and if you saw through me you would hate me. Over the years I saw no way out so I got used to them and then I used them to become a victim. Luckily I  got humbled and lost everything so I could see the true me. The things I believed and yes some were true I got to work on them and “fix” them and me. The problem with walls is you never tear them all the way down. You can lie to yourself and say you did and I thought that. So much so I stopped going to counseling and thought just talking about my walls would continue to heal them. I continued to lie to myself until I can to the realization that of: Why are you still single, why do you feel parts of you are dead? Honestly I had no answer this time.

5 weeks ago I started back to counseling. I promise its been one of the best decisions I have made throughout my journey. Going back opened me up again, I haven’t left counseling yet since I started feeling better because when you have walls demolition sucks. The lack of trust I have for people was honestly sickening. My fear of myself and me wanting to be happy ‘which was a lie’ was something I had no idea I was sabotaging.It was affecting every aspect of my life. I want love but was choosing not to love me because I didn’t deserve it.  I had created my own institutionalized person that I had fought so hard to get away from. I can preach, offer, suggestions, give hope, know the knowledge but I couldn’t live it for me.  I am and was messing up relationships and I want to create them not destroy them. The hardest thing I realized after all this time is I’m very similar to my dad. I tried so hard not to be him and had. He lacked trust and was fearful and only and learned to isolate.

I sat with my counselor Brian and we got real and I cried. I actually got back to real prayer with God and not some generic crap you see in the movies. I cussed at God which I can be very good at but I asked him to open my eyes and that he did.  So as I write this blog. Here are a few takeaways, this journey is never old, the shadows in the valley will catch you if you choose, You are never fixed, and finally God has and will always be there if I or you choose it. Whatever your prison wall, or valley start now not only with God but those people who God has wired into your life. Get busy living or get busy dying. If you choose to die your can have your own institution.

Day 814 The prison walls

Rain and more rain. We were in a horrible drought for about 4 year’s but i think we are catching up. Bad part is baseball games are getting canceled. At least we get to sleep in. Boy life is throwing everything it can at me in the last 2 weeks. Its testing faith and so its time to put my money where my mouth is and either believe with my faith or throw my hands up. Option 2 really isn’t an option.

One of my favorite movies ever is Shawshank Redemption. There are so many life lessons in the movie. One of my favorite quotes “Get busy living or get busy dying”. There are many more. There is one section which I used to think about all the time and it was when Redd was talking about the prison walls. “Believe what you want. These walls are funny. First you hate ’em, then you get used to ’em. After long enough, you get so you depend on ’em. That’s ‘institutionalized” I’ve never been to prison but I have visited at least 3 friends there. I hated every minute of it. I knew I needed to visit but I wanted out as so as possible. Every time I left I thought about my own prison I had created with my thoughts and beliefs. The walls I Hated about myself created not from brick or stone but a hardened heart and soul, My worth, how ugly I thought I was, how I had failed as an athlete, how I couldn’t make anyone happy, I was a loser husband and father and if you saw through me you would hate me. Over the years I saw no way out so I got used to them and then I used them to become a victim. Luckily I  got humbled and lost everything so I could see the true me. The things I believed and yes some were true I got to work on them and “fix” them and me. The problem with walls is you never tear them all the way down. You can lie to yourself and say you did and I thought that. So much so I stopped going to counseling and thought just talking about my walls would continue to heal them. I continued to lie to myself until I can to the realization that of: Why are you still single, why do you feel parts of you are dead? Honestly I had no answer this time.

5 weeks ago I started back to counseling. I promise its been one of the best decisions I have made throughout my journey. Going back opened me up again, I haven’t left counseling yet since I started feeling better because when you have walls demolition sucks. The lack of trust I have for people was honestly sickening. My fear of myself and me wanting to be happy ‘which was a lie’ was something I had no idea I was sabotaging.It was affecting every aspect of my life. I want love but was choosing not to love me because I didn’t deserve it.  I had created my own institutionalized person that I had fought so hard to get away from. I can preach, offer, suggestions, give hope, know the knowledge but I couldn’t live it for me.  I am and was messing up relationships and I want to create them not destroy them. The hardest thing I realized after all this time is I’m very similar to my dad. I tried so hard not to be him and had. He lacked trust and was fearful and only and learned to isolate.

I sat with my counselor Brian and we got real and I cried. I actually got back to real prayer with God and not some generic crap you see in the movies. I cussed at God which I can be very good at but I asked him to open my eyes and that he did.  So as I write this blog. Here are a few takeaways, this journey is never old, the shadows in the valley will catch you if you choose, You are never fixed, and finally God has and will always be there if I or you choose it. Whatever your prison wall, or valley start now not only with God but those people who God has wired into your life. Get busy living or get busy dying. If you choose to die your can have your own institution.

Day 814 The prison walls

Rain and more rain. We were in a horrible drought for about 4 year’s but i think we are catching up. Bad part is baseball games are getting canceled. At least we get to sleep in. Boy life is throwing everything it can at me in the last 2 weeks. Its testing faith and so its time to put my money where my mouth is and either believe with my faith or throw my hands up. Option 2 really isn’t an option.

One of my favorite movies ever is Shawshank Redemption. There are so many life lessons in the movie. One of my favorite quotes “Get busy living or get busy dying”. There are many more. There is one section which I used to think about all the time and it was when Redd was talking about the prison walls. “Believe what you want. These walls are funny. First you hate ’em, then you get used to ’em. After long enough, you get so you depend on ’em. That’s ‘institutionalized” I’ve never been to prison but I have visited at least 3 friends there. I hated every minute of it. I knew I needed to visit but I wanted out as so as possible. Every time I left I thought about my own prison I had created with my thoughts and beliefs. The walls I Hated about myself created not from brick or stone but a hardened heart and soul, My worth, how ugly I thought I was, how I had failed as an athlete, how I couldn’t make anyone happy, I was a loser husband and father and if you saw through me you would hate me. Over the years I saw no way out so I got used to them and then I used them to become a victim. Luckily I  got humbled and lost everything so I could see the true me. The things I believed and yes some were true I got to work on them and “fix” them and me. The problem with walls is you never tear them all the way down. You can lie to yourself and say you did and I thought that. So much so I stopped going to counseling and thought just talking about my walls would continue to heal them. I continued to lie to myself until I can to the realization that of: Why are you still single, why do you feel parts of you are dead? Honestly I had no answer this time.

5 weeks ago I started back to counseling. I promise its been one of the best decisions I have made throughout my journey. Going back opened me up again, I haven’t left counseling yet since I started feeling better because when you have walls demolition sucks. The lack of trust I have for people was honestly sickening. My fear of myself and me wanting to be happy ‘which was a lie’ was something I had no idea I was sabotaging.It was affecting every aspect of my life. I want love but was choosing not to love me because I didn’t deserve it.  I had created my own institutionalized person that I had fought so hard to get away from. I can preach, offer, suggestions, give hope, know the knowledge but I couldn’t live it for me.  I am and was messing up relationships and I want to create them not destroy them. The hardest thing I realized after all this time is I’m very similar to my dad. I tried so hard not to be him and had. He lacked trust and was fearful and only and learned to isolate.

I sat with my counselor Brian and we got real and I cried. I actually got back to real prayer with God and not some generic crap you see in the movies. I cussed at God which I can be very good at but I asked him to open my eyes and that he did.  So as I write this blog. Here are a few takeaways, this journey is never old, the shadows in the valley will catch you if you choose, You are never fixed, and finally God has and will always be there if I or you choose it. Whatever your prison wall, or valley start now not only with God but those people who God has wired into your life. Get busy living or get busy dying. If you choose to die your can have your own institution.

Day 586 Your an asshole

I sometimes wonder if the holiday work week is worth it. People seemed more rushed, in a worse mood, and I believe less productive.  It’s almost the weekend so I’ll shut up but think about it.

If you have never lost a parent no matter whatever the relationship  its a very delicate and different feeling to ever explain. This week my heart and mind has been with my dad. He’s  been gone 9.5 years and I’m not sure what trigger my thoughts but they have been deep. You can try to hide them but sometimes even when you thought they were dealt with they come back and remind you. I know my dad loved me and was proud of me. He had his own demons that he never dealt with. I found out about them 6 months before he died and it took me 7 years later to understand them. My dad became disabled when I was in the 8th grade and  believe that’s w hen he stopped communicating any thing about himself to me. Sure I saw it and heard  but I never understood it. He sprayed paint chemicals at the Nuclear power plant for over 18 years without protective equipment. When he became disabled  the Dr’s told us what was going to happen to him which include: loss of muscle use, losing sight, loss of faculties, couldn’t walk etc.. All of those things did happen and I got to see my father literally rot away. He loss all sense of being a human by the end and there was no semblance of a man.  During those times I was so pissed at him because he left me to be the man. Your right I was the man or so I thought.  I went on being the man and slowly chipping people out of my life, being angry,  riding an emotional roller coaster  because all I wanted to know who was this man who sat on the side of the bed spitting of pieces of his lungs and why won’t he let me know who he is. I had heard storied about a man I had never met, Great dresser, amazing athlete, amazing card player, musician, artist and all I got was this broken down man.

Fast forward: 6 months before he died he knew it like we all did and something happens to a dying person where they spill their guts. My dad apologized to us all. He told my mom the things she deserved to hear their whole marriage. He told my sister who he wanted to be and how he failed her. Then there was me. I would sit in his hospital room for a few hours at a time and at first it was generic talk but I remember the first real thing he said to me. Son I was a bad example for a father. He probably talked for 10 minutes as I drifted into all of the examples I was about to give why he was right, but I didn’t. I just listened! The next time I saw I was so pissed that he had waited all of the years he had to tell me that when I saw him again the only thing I could muster to say was you’re an asshole. I explained why and I poured out  a bit of me on him. That moment that we shared allowed us to empty our years of pride, anger, sadness, happy thoughts, my fears, what he expected of me as a man and protector for the family. I remember them all but never processed them until my 3rd ever counseling appt. 7 years later. I had held on to it all good, bad, and terrible.  AT the same time i was going through martial hell I decided to beat an oak tree in my front yard and pretend it was my dad.  Lots of anger and he wasn’t here to get ” what he deserved”. December 7 2011 was a day that I will always remember because I believed in God again. I was able to go to my dads grave and forgive him. I also asked him to forgive me. I haven’t been the same since.

When I think of my dad this week. It isn’t the bad. Its I got to spend the last 6 months knowing a man I always wanted to. Sure it wasn’t perfect but I’m so appreciative of that time. i wish I was in a different place at that time to accept it while he was here to tell him thank you and give him a hug one more time. The last month he was on morphine and when we saw him he wasn’t there mentally. The Friday before he died we had family come into town and we had brought him home so he could die at home and I did what I should have and went down there knowing I wouldn’t see ” my dad” but  it was the best thing that ever happened between us. It was like he found the strength to talk to me with out the effects of medicine and the last thing he ever told me was  that he made so many mistakes but when he closes his eyes for the last time that he wished that he was half the man I was, and  the greatest gift God gave him was the chance to be my father. So I take that and hold onto those words.

Just my thoughts for the week. Thanks for reading as always.

Day 586 Your an asshole

I sometimes wonder if the holiday work week is worth it. People seemed more rushed, in a worse mood, and I believe less productive.  It’s almost the weekend so I’ll shut up but think about it.

If you have never lost a parent no matter whatever the relationship  its a very delicate and different feeling to ever explain. This week my heart and mind has been with my dad. He’s  been gone 9.5 years and I’m not sure what trigger my thoughts but they have been deep. You can try to hide them but sometimes even when you thought they were dealt with they come back and remind you. I know my dad loved me and was proud of me. He had his own demons that he never dealt with. I found out about them 6 months before he died and it took me 7 years later to understand them. My dad became disabled when I was in the 8th grade and  believe that’s w hen he stopped communicating any thing about himself to me. Sure I saw it and heard  but I never understood it. He sprayed paint chemicals at the Nuclear power plant for over 18 years without protective equipment. When he became disabled  the Dr’s told us what was going to happen to him which include: loss of muscle use, losing sight, loss of faculties, couldn’t walk etc.. All of those things did happen and I got to see my father literally rot away. He loss all sense of being a human by the end and there was no semblance of a man.  During those times I was so pissed at him because he left me to be the man. Your right I was the man or so I thought.  I went on being the man and slowly chipping people out of my life, being angry,  riding an emotional roller coaster  because all I wanted to know who was this man who sat on the side of the bed spitting of pieces of his lungs and why won’t he let me know who he is. I had heard storied about a man I had never met, Great dresser, amazing athlete, amazing card player, musician, artist and all I got was this broken down man.

Fast forward: 6 months before he died he knew it like we all did and something happens to a dying person where they spill their guts. My dad apologized to us all. He told my mom the things she deserved to hear their whole marriage. He told my sister who he wanted to be and how he failed her. Then there was me. I would sit in his hospital room for a few hours at a time and at first it was generic talk but I remember the first real thing he said to me. Son I was a bad example for a father. He probably talked for 10 minutes as I drifted into all of the examples I was about to give why he was right, but I didn’t. I just listened! The next time I saw I was so pissed that he had waited all of the years he had to tell me that when I saw him again the only thing I could muster to say was you’re an asshole. I explained why and I poured out  a bit of me on him. That moment that we shared allowed us to empty our years of pride, anger, sadness, happy thoughts, my fears, what he expected of me as a man and protector for the family. I remember them all but never processed them until my 3rd ever counseling appt. 7 years later. I had held on to it all good, bad, and terrible.  AT the same time i was going through martial hell I decided to beat an oak tree in my front yard and pretend it was my dad.  Lots of anger and he wasn’t here to get ” what he deserved”. December 7 2011 was a day that I will always remember because I believed in God again. I was able to go to my dads grave and forgive him. I also asked him to forgive me. I haven’t been the same since.

When I think of my dad this week. It isn’t the bad. Its I got to spend the last 6 months knowing a man I always wanted to. Sure it wasn’t perfect but I’m so appreciative of that time. i wish I was in a different place at that time to accept it while he was here to tell him thank you and give him a hug one more time. The last month he was on morphine and when we saw him he wasn’t there mentally. The Friday before he died we had family come into town and we had brought him home so he could die at home and I did what I should have and went down there knowing I wouldn’t see ” my dad” but  it was the best thing that ever happened between us. It was like he found the strength to talk to me with out the effects of medicine and the last thing he ever told me was  that he made so many mistakes but when he closes his eyes for the last time that he wished that he was half the man I was, and  the greatest gift God gave him was the chance to be my father. So I take that and hold onto those words.

Just my thoughts for the week. Thanks for reading as always.

Day 470 What these eyes have seen Part 2

I have a request for you my followers and readers. Would you please like and comment on this blog posts for me. I’m keeping stats to show someone and the likes and comments help me justify what I’m trying to show.

One of the hardest days in a long time happened yesterday. The great thing about having a friend that will speak truth to you is that you see things that you ignored or just didn’t know. I have carried for probably 25 years and just thought it was normal. I was somewhat called out by my friend and also encouraged. After I hung up I pulled over and cried. I asked God to relieve this burden I had been carrying all by myself. I had a better day today. I saw things a tad bit different as well.

I got a few questions about why Im writing this blog. Mostly you get to know me but also where my inspiration comes from. It helps others know that no matter what they have done they are not alone and there is someone there with them if they choose to accept the feelings.

I realized in high school that if you’re an athlete and hurt that nobody cares until you can help them again. I know what its like to watch the last assets your parents have been taken away. I learned about being isolated and where your mind can go if you allow it. I was never so happy to get a phone a call that saved my life because I was ready to take it. That when a girl in high school tells you she loves you that you can go weeks on that feeling. The overwhelming joy of Padre Island and the guilt you can leave with from there. When you need money you will do just about anything to make sure you can eat. That high school graduation is really the last time you will see the people you grew up with. That pulling a trigger never solves anything. That the things you learn in high school about sex don’t translate to your marriage.

If you treat people right and go out of your way people will go out of their way for you. College was fun and that I lived a full throttle life. There are certain places in Austin you shouldn’t go. Having people fear you is not a way to live life. People do die from taking drugs. Holding a friend in your arms watching him take his last breath never leaves your thoughts. The people you hate or dislike could one day become your best friends. If you quit once you will quit again. First real loves will always stay with you.  Just try it you may not like it but you will have a story. Being drunk 38 days in a row will flunk you out of school. What happens at Rugby parties should stay at Rugby parties. My fraternity was awesome and we had a fun that can’t be explained.  A 3 second decision will change your life. Just kiss her what do you have to lose. You will finally appreciate your parents. Never forget about the little guy. The comal River in New Braufuls is cold and will cause you to swallow your dip and never dip again.  Drinking a bottle and a half of Jim Beam will cause  you not  to remember your last fraternity formal and you will lose your girlfriend. Open the door for a woman every time. Skip class and go fishing it s a story you will never forget. Just ask her out she may say yes. Being only the second college graduate in your entire family is an awesome feeling. Be thankful that your dad was able to muster the strength to sit through your graduation because he promised you he would. When you get your first offer letter for a job where your making more money than you can count don’t spend it before you start your job.

One more part and I will be done. Thanks for always reading.

Day 470 What these eyes have seen Part 2

I have a request for you my followers and readers. Would you please like and comment on this blog posts for me. I’m keeping stats to show someone and the likes and comments help me justify what I’m trying to show.

One of the hardest days in a long time happened yesterday. The great thing about having a friend that will speak truth to you is that you see things that you ignored or just didn’t know. I have carried for probably 25 years and just thought it was normal. I was somewhat called out by my friend and also encouraged. After I hung up I pulled over and cried. I asked God to relieve this burden I had been carrying all by myself. I had a better day today. I saw things a tad bit different as well.

I got a few questions about why Im writing this blog. Mostly you get to know me but also where my inspiration comes from. It helps others know that no matter what they have done they are not alone and there is someone there with them if they choose to accept the feelings.

I realized in high school that if you’re an athlete and hurt that nobody cares until you can help them again. I know what its like to watch the last assets your parents have been taken away. I learned about being isolated and where your mind can go if you allow it. I was never so happy to get a phone a call that saved my life because I was ready to take it. That when a girl in high school tells you she loves you that you can go weeks on that feeling. The overwhelming joy of Padre Island and the guilt you can leave with from there. When you need money you will do just about anything to make sure you can eat. That high school graduation is really the last time you will see the people you grew up with. That pulling a trigger never solves anything. That the things you learn in high school about sex don’t translate to your marriage.

If you treat people right and go out of your way people will go out of their way for you. College was fun and that I lived a full throttle life. There are certain places in Austin you shouldn’t go. Having people fear you is not a way to live life. People do die from taking drugs. Holding a friend in your arms watching him take his last breath never leaves your thoughts. The people you hate or dislike could one day become your best friends. If you quit once you will quit again. First real loves will always stay with you.  Just try it you may not like it but you will have a story. Being drunk 38 days in a row will flunk you out of school. What happens at Rugby parties should stay at Rugby parties. My fraternity was awesome and we had a fun that can’t be explained.  A 3 second decision will change your life. Just kiss her what do you have to lose. You will finally appreciate your parents. Never forget about the little guy. The comal River in New Braufuls is cold and will cause you to swallow your dip and never dip again.  Drinking a bottle and a half of Jim Beam will cause  you not  to remember your last fraternity formal and you will lose your girlfriend. Open the door for a woman every time. Skip class and go fishing it s a story you will never forget. Just ask her out she may say yes. Being only the second college graduate in your entire family is an awesome feeling. Be thankful that your dad was able to muster the strength to sit through your graduation because he promised you he would. When you get your first offer letter for a job where your making more money than you can count don’t spend it before you start your job.

One more part and I will be done. Thanks for always reading.

Day 460 Its over

Spent my weekend in Austin in the Texas Rugby Championships. Got to sight see and if you have never Austin has everything. People, food, bats, and places. Ate well and healthy and somewhat healthy.  The one thing I was disappointed in was the unfriendliness of people. I try to speak and wave to a lot of people. The response back was almost none. It’s the first time it had ever been that way there maybe because the high Saturday reached 95 and it was to hot for May.

For 17 years I have played the most physically violent sport on the plant. I have loved it and hated it. I have won state championships, played in Western US championships, played teams from all over the world. Have won way more than I lost and been very humbled with butt kickings that taught me so much. Saturday we lost in the TRU championships in Austin. The first 15 minutes we played better than we had all year. We got inside the 5 yard line 3 times and only scored once. If you have placed sports you know that can be a killer and it was. The outcome sucked but I was so proud of how we played.  I walked off the field for my final time. I have been playing the past 7 weeks with a  fractured ankle so saying walked was an understatement. I actually teared up when I got to he sidelines because I’m no longer an athlete. I’m retired(I promise this time) I have played contact sports since I was 5.  33 years later my body is a mess but I’m a warrior and couldn’t be more proud of what I accomplished over the 33 years. Its hard knowing that I REALLY am done but its time to find something else to do. Rugby has given me my best friends and tons of memories both Good and bad.  No I get Tuesdays, Thursday nights back and Saturdays. Not much more to say but what a ride!

Day 460 Its over

Spent my weekend in Austin in the Texas Rugby Championships. Got to sight see and if you have never Austin has everything. People, food, bats, and places. Ate well and healthy and somewhat healthy.  The one thing I was disappointed in was the unfriendliness of people. I try to speak and wave to a lot of people. The response back was almost none. It’s the first time it had ever been that way there maybe because the high Saturday reached 95 and it was to hot for May.

For 17 years I have played the most physically violent sport on the plant. I have loved it and hated it. I have won state championships, played in Western US championships, played teams from all over the world. Have won way more than I lost and been very humbled with butt kickings that taught me so much. Saturday we lost in the TRU championships in Austin. The first 15 minutes we played better than we had all year. We got inside the 5 yard line 3 times and only scored once. If you have placed sports you know that can be a killer and it was. The outcome sucked but I was so proud of how we played.  I walked off the field for my final time. I have been playing the past 7 weeks with a  fractured ankle so saying walked was an understatement. I actually teared up when I got to he sidelines because I’m no longer an athlete. I’m retired(I promise this time) I have played contact sports since I was 5.  33 years later my body is a mess but I’m a warrior and couldn’t be more proud of what I accomplished over the 33 years. Its hard knowing that I REALLY am done but its time to find something else to do. Rugby has given me my best friends and tons of memories both Good and bad.  No I get Tuesdays, Thursday nights back and Saturdays. Not much more to say but what a ride!