Day 814 The prison walls

19 04 2015

Rain and more rain. We were in a horrible drought for about 4 year’s but i think we are catching up. Bad part is baseball games are getting canceled. At least we get to sleep in. Boy life is throwing everything it can at me in the last 2 weeks. Its testing faith and so its time to put my money where my mouth is and either believe with my faith or throw my hands up. Option 2 really isn’t an option.

One of my favorite movies ever is Shawshank Redemption. There are so many life lessons in the movie. One of my favorite quotes “Get busy living or get busy dying”. There are many more. There is one section which I used to think about all the time and it was when Redd was talking about the prison walls. “Believe what you want. These walls are funny. First you hate ’em, then you get used to ’em. After long enough, you get so you depend on ’em. That’s ‘institutionalized” I’ve never been to prison but I have visited at least 3 friends there. I hated every minute of it. I knew I needed to visit but I wanted out as so as possible. Every time I left I thought about my own prison I had created with my thoughts and beliefs. The walls I Hated about myself created not from brick or stone but a hardened heart and soul, My worth, how ugly I thought I was, how I had failed as an athlete, how I couldn’t make anyone happy, I was a loser husband and father and if you saw through me you would hate me. Over the years I saw no way out so I got used to them and then I used them to become a victim. Luckily I  got humbled and lost everything so I could see the true me. The things I believed and yes some were true I got to work on them and “fix” them and me. The problem with walls is you never tear them all the way down. You can lie to yourself and say you did and I thought that. So much so I stopped going to counseling and thought just talking about my walls would continue to heal them. I continued to lie to myself until I can to the realization that of: Why are you still single, why do you feel parts of you are dead? Honestly I had no answer this time.

5 weeks ago I started back to counseling. I promise its been one of the best decisions I have made throughout my journey. Going back opened me up again, I haven’t left counseling yet since I started feeling better because when you have walls demolition sucks. The lack of trust I have for people was honestly sickening. My fear of myself and me wanting to be happy ‘which was a lie’ was something I had no idea I was sabotaging.It was affecting every aspect of my life. I want love but was choosing not to love me because I didn’t deserve it.  I had created my own institutionalized person that I had fought so hard to get away from. I can preach, offer, suggestions, give hope, know the knowledge but I couldn’t live it for me.  I am and was messing up relationships and I want to create them not destroy them. The hardest thing I realized after all this time is I’m very similar to my dad. I tried so hard not to be him and had. He lacked trust and was fearful and only and learned to isolate.

I sat with my counselor Brian and we got real and I cried. I actually got back to real prayer with God and not some generic crap you see in the movies. I cussed at God which I can be very good at but I asked him to open my eyes and that he did.  So as I write this blog. Here are a few takeaways, this journey is never old, the shadows in the valley will catch you if you choose, You are never fixed, and finally God has and will always be there if I or you choose it. Whatever your prison wall, or valley start now not only with God but those people who God has wired into your life. Get busy living or get busy dying. If you choose to die your can have your own institution.

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