Day 1488 This is why you change -866 Days and counting

20 03 2017

Hello People. 92 degrees in Texas I know its the first day of spring but Summer decided to wave hi first. I’m so thankful to have this outlet to be able to share me. I know some thinks it’s a weird way to do it but that’s okay because I know I’m weird. I’m embrace it!

I’m a single man again. Never thought I would be here again but life threw   me a huge upper cut when  my mom died. I became numb and couldn’t even fake it some days. The blended family was also a huge problem that until you’re living there is no way to know how to handle it. So in the journey again with a different path. I really need to find a path and stay on it 🙂

I’m not a glass half full, or half empty I’m just thankful something is in my glass. So writing this please know The days I get I’m so thankful for but I’m here to help so this is real talk.

Since I moved out of my old house with my ex-wife almost 5 years ago. I have missed 866 days of my kids lives. Yes that means I’ve had them for 866 days and I promise I’ve done my best to make all of that time matter. You don’t have to mess up the time like I did. We all know when something isn’t right with ourselves and our relationship. You ignore it or just say that’s the way it is then your left listening to your kids grow up on phone.

866 days of their life I missed. thank God I fought for joint custody but its hard to have your kids come home and they truly changes. The first 2 days my son is here he calls me mom, they don’t feel close, they don’t communicate as much and then its Sunday and just the time of us seems like its gone because we have to get ready for school. I learn about their day  by asking questions right before bedtime. When I want to do something with them that only comes around once a year I can’t. My flesh and blood is missing. I know I will find them but I can never get those days back. Hello, I love you, thank you sounds different on the phone.

Like I said earlier, realize a few things:. we are all screwed up, we all have a hurt, habit, or hang-up, we all have a past. Some worse than others, we had someone break us down, break our heart, we all medicate our pain some how. So you’re never alone. Never. You don’t know what I’ve done Tyler, but I know someone who has. The thing is we can’t live there anymore because living “their” allows someone else to raise your kids, and just have voice memories to carry you through.

Find your weakness, absorb, accept it, and get help, counseling, recovery group, just a voice to listen. Anyone that sits on an island by themselves will drown every time. I believe in Jesus Christ so I go there but find something. Nothing  is worse than losing everything because I said said,  I don’t know what to do. There are options everywhere. Its pride and ego that will steal your life and soul. It doesn’t have to be that way. reach out to me, do something because you are worth it and those beautiful children are too. You can drink, dope, and yell your life away but you can’t get back what you destroyed.

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Day 1302 A BUT makes you a BUTT

8 09 2016

I miss writing so often but when the day ends there is not enough time or energy. I’m trying to make it a point to get back and blog. my mind needs the writers release. Even if nobody reads it, I still need it if that makes sense.

I have always defended myself even when it wasn’t necessary. I still do now because I still forget that I am worthy and I’m enough. That if I’m wrong I’m not that little boy who didn’t have his dad to guide my way so I had to be right or I was going to always make mistakes. I like to be right and who doesn’t but that’s an excuse. We were made not to be perfect but I keep thinking i have to always be perfect and if not I’ll argue with you until I am. The past 6 months have been filled with as many changes in my life than any other time. I’m trying to always be better but!!!! That word gets me always because I might agree with you but I need you to hear my side so you know that I’m okay. So Im still insecure, frightened, unsure, changing ball of a mess. I listen to God and then I stop listening and when I stop listening welcome to Tyler Wood and his interchanging “Buts”

Have you ever went and listened to yourself when you try to defend yourself. It sounds so stupid and when you’re having a good day you step back and say what in the hell did I do that for. What did it matter if I was right or wrong. I didn’t hear the other person, I probably hurt them and I didn’t listen to anything they said. All because Im so insecure, feel unloved, unattached from anyone or anything that I just need to be heard.

I was in an argument with my fiance and we were both wrong but God forbid if I actually shut up and not have to be the heavyweight champion of arguing. So I got the title that night and I hurt her feelings and made her feel that what she had to say wasn’t important. As soon as I said But i should have stopped because the moment I kept going I became a BUTT!

Im always a work in progress like we all are but if I have to  be the champion of But I will become the champion of the BUTTS too and I really don’t need another crappy crown.

We don’t always have to be right even when we are right. The BUT stops here. I hope it can stop with you too!





Day 1257 Im engaged

22 07 2016

4 years ago I walked out of the courthouse in Denton Texas and with my divorce paperwork in hand said this was it. Never did I want to be married or be in love again. It hurt too much. Everything I knew and believed about relationships and women was flushed away with the gavel hitting the stand.  I was in the process of rebuilding me but that part I just didn’t want a part of. I went 6 months of dating nobody as I worked on repairing my bitterness, anger and the stitching back my heart. I started dating and hated it. I would meet a nice girl then get afraid and run like a kid playing hide and go seek at school. When I started believing in myself more I started to believe that maybe my goal was just to be a daddy, work and enjoy be single. I had done online dating, meeting my friends, (not recommended) and randomly asking someone for a date that I never met.

Last June I was done with dating. I was ready for God to just drop her in my lap otherwise screw it.  I got an email for 1 month free then pay for one month for online dating. I tried it and July 5th of last year was my last day. On July 4th I sent a message to a girl named Stephanie in Austin. It was long distance and that wouldn’t work but why not. She responded and we started messaging. She was in Iowa visiting family so I couldn’t meet her. August 18th I drove to Austin and went on a small date just to meet because I had to get back and go to work. She was stunningly beautiful and the best thing is at dinner she put her arm around my arm.  I left and said she was pretty cool but I can’t make that work. I suck at distance and I need someone here everyday. After going back and forth mostly her coming here. I decided in October I wanted to be her boyfriend. I went back and forth not because I didn’t like her or was starting to love her but my fears. I wasn’t worthy, this can’t be real.

The Monday before my mom died we had a serious conversation about Stephanie. She said son I love her and she’s great for you. Stop finding things wrong and find the things right. My mom died the next day! Since that moment she has been my rock. She had no idea what to do for a man who was so close to his my mom but she has done it. She loves me and my kids unconditionally.  She tries everyday to understand how weird I am. I love her and never knew what it was like  to love someone like this. Faults, quirks, great things. i love her.

Last Thursday we went to Puerto Vallarta Mexico for a short vacation: I had made plans to ask her to marry me but she had no idea. Everything fell into including the ring get through the airport screening. Last Friday night i hit my knee on the beaches of Puerto Vallarta and asked Stephanie Ann Lemburg to be my wife and she said yes. I was so nervousness and didn’t want to screw up. I succeded

Never give up, God said he will restore what the Locusts ate. Here is another part of rising through the ashes. I couldn’t be more blessed to have put down my will and accept his.





Day 1201 Inside the Minds of men

26 05 2016

Its been a while since I blogged. The world is crazy busy like everyone’s but I promise my mind is still working. Probably too much. Every-time I try to sit down either something drags me away or I my time is gone.

It’s almost been 5 years on August since my recovery journey started. I’ve always knew that I was destined for more than the standard work, eat dinner, dinner, spend time with kids and do it all over again. After reading close to 400 books in the past 5 years, digging into counseling, being a part of Rock Bottom Outreach, counseling people I knew I had to get this information out of my head and into others. I’ve been told I have a presence and when I speak people listen. I just never knew how or what to do about. My counselor Brian Hackney and I  fiddled around with ideas for 2 years how we could help with others. One is we’ll start an organization to help men, we never got excited about it. How about this and that but nothing stuck. I started checking around about speaking groups, there were a ton of women speaking to men, and men speaking to men but I couldn’t find any where men speaking to women. I was excited about the idea and about 6 months ago I was in counseling and finally brought the idea up to Brian. His eyes lit up and we started going through how we would be as real, vulnerable and authentic and let women really know whats inside the minds of men. The stuff nobody wants to talk about, porn, anger, yelling, workaholic, pride, fear lack of communication, and truly let it all hang out. We have a close friend John Finch that  started The Perfect Father ministry and https://www.facebook.com/The-Father-Effect-Movie-211007652267276/ and thought John would be a perfect complement and he gets it. We knew his struggles and we knew his heart. We asked him to join and be apart.

After months of trying to figure out what to and how we finally had a Guinea pig meeting. There were about 50 women there. It was truly an eye-opening experience. To have a vision, and allow it to happen is truly amazing. The ideas and words that the women left us with were truly awe-inspiring, We wanted to make a difference and after we had that meeting we all knew this was something great. Last night we had our first event that was paid. We had 42 women show up. there were tears, a few gasps, a few women holding on to their chair because it made them uncomfortable but what it did make a difference. When we closed and thank them we said that we hope you walk out knowing something more about men or you can go home and change your relationship. Every head nodded and the energy was amazing. We have something great here. We just need the word of mouth and positive  vibe to continue. I’ll ask you to look at or website and go to our Facebook. Hear the testimonials and if you can get us booked with your women’s group please go online. Just pass the word we appreciate it so much.

http://www.facebook.com/insidethemindsofmen.org/

http://www.insidethemindsofmen.org/

 





Day 1178 Grass, dirt and some dust

29 04 2016

This time of year is so cool. So many festivals, sports, weather is good and then hell is unleashed in Texas with hail and tornadoes, kids events and work. Only problem is I forget to rest or sleep but they say you get a really good cat nap when your gone so I guess I’ll wait for my cat nap. Did you also know that the older you get you have to pee more. It’s ridiculous because the Dr says drink more water so I do then I pee while standing up in the middle of the night and almost fall asleep while I’m doing it. I know I have issues but its okay I’m in counseling!!

Most of you know that my mom passed in December. Most of you know that grieving is a process and sometimes you just don’t want to have to deal with it. My mom has a storage unit that she’s paid for 25 years and it was time to clean it out. So on Sunday my sister and I decided  it was time to quit avoiding the obvious and move on. Im not sure what we were worried about the smell of moth balls or the memories. With the help of my girlfriend and my sisters  boyfriend we started. All of our childhood toys were in the storage, cabbage patch, Barbie, little people, he-man, hot wheels, wrestling figures, our sports trophies, my college football letters. I never asked my sister much about it just kept moving on. Uncovering every dusty box, or dresser full of stuff. Every box I opened I wanted to cry, smile or kick the shit out of it because both of my parents are gone. I could remember the games we played, or the sports stuff when my parents came and watched. My sisters twirling stuff that they were so proud of her about. Each box was a memory that I kind of cringed because I knew that my past was sitting there looking at me. How hard my parents worked to provide for us. Then the boxes when my dad became disabled and i shoved things away so they wouldn’t remind me of him back then and now everything from my past is in a dusty box.

Please don’t feel sorry for me or pity me. I’m just keeping it real. Sharing feelings that maybe one other person feels so that don’t feel alone. My girlfriend had to get back to Austin so we left with most of the work done. Since I didn’t get home very often I stopped by my parents graves. One grave is where my life changed with forgiving my dad and the other was my mom who I still think is coming back. I just stood there looking at the grass on one and the dirt on the other. I couldn’t muster anything to say so I just told them both I loved them and drove off. I then drove to my old home. We sold it 2 years ago and I pulled up it was over grown the house was in complete mess. I drove around the property got out and smelled the air. It felt familiar  and also something I missed. I drove up to the end of the driveway  got out and looked backed and for the first time I realized that I’m actually getting older. I’m the leader of the Wood family, my past isn’t coming back and now that all my past is some grass, dirt and dusty boxes.  I shed my first tear for the day. Took a deep breath , got back in the car and said goodbye. Still not sure who heard it or who I was saying it to but life became more real  at that moment. The journey never ends!! Thank you God!





Day 1178 Grass, dirt and some dust

27 04 2016

This time of year is so cool. So many festivals, sports, weather is good and then hell is unleashed in Texas with hail and tornadoes, kids events and work. Only problem is I forget to rest or sleep but they say you get a really good cat nap when your gone so I guess I’ll wait for my cat nap. Did you also know that the older you get you have to pee more. It’s ridiculous because the Dr says drink more water so I do then I pee while standing up in the middle of the night and almost fall asleep while I’m doing it. I know I have issues but its okay I’m in counseling!!

Most of you know that my mom passed in December. Most of you know that grieving is a process and sometimes you just don’t want to have to deal with it. My mom has a storage unit that she’s paid for 25 years and it was time to clean it out. So on Sunday my sister and I decided  it was time to quit avoiding the obvious and move on. Im not sure what we were worried about the smell of moth balls or the memories. With the help of my girlfriend and my sisters  boyfriend we started. All of our childhood toys were in the storage, cabbage patch, Barbie, little people, he-man, hot wheels, wrestling figures, our sports trophies, my college football letters. I never asked my sister much about it just kept moving on. Uncovering every dusty box, or dresser full of stuff. Every box I opened I wanted to cry, smile or kick the shit out of it because both of my parents are gone. I could remember the games we played, or the sports stuff when my parents came and watched. My sisters twirling stuff that they were so proud of her about. Each box was a memory that I kind of cringed because I knew that my past was sitting there looking at me. How hard my parents worked to provide for us. Then the boxes when my dad became disabled and i shoved things away so they wouldn’t remind me of him back then and now everything from my past is in a dusty box.

Please don’t feel sorry for me or pity me. I’m just keeping it real. Sharing feelings that maybe one other person feels so that don’t feel alone. My girlfriend had to get back to Austin so we left with most of the work done. Since I didn’t get home very often I stopped by my parents graves. One grave is where my life changed with forgiving my dad and the other was my mom who I still think is coming back. I just stood there looking at the grass on one and the dirt on the other. I couldn’t muster anything to say so I just told them both I loved them and drove off. I then drove to my old home. We sold it 2 years ago and I pulled up it was over grown the house was in complete mess. I drove around the property got out and smelled the air. It felt familiar  and also something I missed. I drove up to the end of the driveway  got out and looked backed and for the first time I realized that I’m actually getting older. I’m the leader of the Wood family, my past isn’t coming back and now that all my past is some grass, dirt and dusty boxes.  I shed my first tear for the day. Took a deep breath , got back in the car and said goodbye. Still not sure who heard it or who I was saying it to but life became more real  at that moment. The journey never ends!! Thank you God!





Day 1149 Im finally in an amazing realtionship

28 03 2016

Yesterday was the first big holiday without my mom. It was very different and she was missed terribly. Flashbacks of her being there, eating, laughing telling me if I didn’t use my manners she was going to shove an Easter egg down my throat and make me like it.
I would do anything to have her back, tell her I love her, and have her hug me one more time. Yesterday was just another day to remember how amazing she was and how she made everything so special.
A big thank you to my sister Meagan Wood for cooking like mom would have, but the bad part it was on time which would have never happened with my mom.

For almost 25 years I’ve been searching for someone to love ME. Not what I can do for them, or what my potential was but for me. I knew what I was capable of and for most of the relationships I was pretty decent in loving and showing love. I was broken and made a lot of wrong turns but now I made a change in my life and knew what I could be as a boyfriend and a future husband. I was ready to give up, from blind dates, to people I knew from my past, to dating websites I was ready to throw in the towel. Being a daddy, a warrior for God, speaker, and working I had accepted that I wasn’t going to find anyone else. In July of last year I saw a girl I thought was pretty sent her a message and then we started talking. She was in Austin so I thought it was just going to be something where I passed the time. We talked a lot and I was dating a few women here and there. I finally decided to go meet her. I drove down during the week thought I was crazy because I was going to get back so late for work the next day. Based on all the things I wanted in a woman she was it but we know that we all put on a good show when we meet. After dinner we were sitting there and she put her arm around my arm, 2 points for her. Physical touch is my love language, so she was a head of the game. She looked at me like nobody ever had and I wondered why.

When I left I thought I really needed to see her again but didn’t know when I was going to “TRY” again. I kept trying and we became closer and closer. Still the whole time I did everything I could to push her away. Not because I didn’t want her but because I was afraid. I mean I already said I was good being single the rest of my life and how could anyone possibly love me. She didn’t budge. I knew she thought about leaving but she has something I never had and that she was loyal. We told me from our first date that she thought that I was incredible. She hasn’t stopped since. I’m weird, I’m different, I march to the beat of my own drum, but I’m also loving, caring, a giver, loyal, a man’s man, a great father and she’s helped show me that. My mom, sister, kids, and my close friends thought she was great but for some reason I couldn’t get over me. The day before my mom died we had a serious conversation and I thought it might be over , and the next day my mom died. She got here as quick as she could. Like anyone else she had no idea what to do so she was there. Through my tears, my stories, my laughs, my deepest fears, and the hardest thing that had happened to me. I had always said before If I  ever stayed with someone forever again I had to know what she was like when shit hit the fan. Well lets just say she bought the best toilet paper and wiped it clean lol.

She had grown closer to my kids, Rock Bottom Outreach, God and me. When I think of what I wanted in woman, mother and lover she exceeds those expectations. There will never be another woman like my mom but Stephanie Lemburg is following closely. About 3 weeks ago God and I had one of our one on ones. I asked that he lets my heart accept all of her and let my heart fall truly, madly , deeply in love. God spoke to me and said don’t let her go for any reason and Tyler you deserve this woman its time to let go of your junk.

I have done that and I couldn’t be happier. Sure we have the ups and downs of getting to know one another but at the end of the day I’m not worried about her walking out on me. There may not be a better feeling for a 40-year-old man to know the love of a loyal woman and that she’s even on my side when she’s about ready to hit me with a hammer.

AS my journey changes Im glad to walk it with Stephanie. I love you Stephanie and thank you.

 








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