Day 1852 Alone or Lonely? This hurts to hear.

11 04 2018

Hello from lovely Naples Florida. I have a job now that I travel when my babies are with their mom. So I get to jet set around the U.S. Its better than sitting at home with an unoccupied mind.  I enjoy it because I see a lot I haven’t seen. It’s cool how after a few years how areas change. So I try to soak it up and not stand out which is hard because I don’t hide well.

Alone or Lonely. I believe these get so misunderstood so often and there is a huge difference. I have never met one person who likes to be lonely but I have met many people who enjoy being alone. Being alone is a necessity in learning how to be a fully mature adult. You have to learn how to be with you, what do you like, are you comfortable in your own skin, can you do something by yourself. You need the alone time to reflect, talk to God or whoever you talk to. Alone is learning to be free or have freedom. I believe learning to be alone is a positive, you rely on you, even in a relationship you need to learn to be alone.

Lonely is a feeling you would probably come up against right after a break up, divorce, separation, distance, etc. The contact you had with another is no longer there, but you are wishing and longing for it. You are wanting it so bad that it affects you. We all l know people, not  a person that can’t stand being alone or lonely. Thats called Co-Dependant. Someone has to be there, they don’t feel loved, cared for or that they matter. They find their happiness in someone or something else and cannot stand being with themselves. Social media is a great place to watch people bounce from one relationship, to another.

Everyone gets lonely especially if your by yourself a lot and there is nothing wrong with be lonely except when you can’t do anything by yourself. have you ever went to a movie by yourself, dinner by yourself, sat at the lake by yourself etc… and it felt good? If not I think its imperative. If you are looking at people to fill that void you will be truly let down.

Before you can start another  relationship, whether it be a friend, you must first learn the joy and see the bliss of alone. If you search for someone or something to fill the void of your loneliness, you will find the exact same thing. Another person who is lonely and looking to fill a void. No one should start a relationship of any kind while they are lonely. It is an equation for failure which will push you to start over on your own journey of loneliness. Once you are alone and are perfectly happy with your alone, it is only then that one might open their eyes to the possibility of another relationship. You will naturally be attracted to someone else who is alone. You will find an equal to you, not someone who adds or subtracts something from you. You will share so many things in common, because you overcame loneliness and found your bliss being alone.

So another something I learned from being co-Dependent for most of my entire life. Like attracts like. Be alone so you will never be lonely.

Love you and carry on.

 

 

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Day 1842 Do you even believe in yourself.

1 04 2018

Happy Easter. I got to spend mine with extended family, my beautiful children, my sister, nephew, and in 55 days my 100-year-old Grandma. She is still doing great and funny. Must run in the family!

Grandma

Do you believe in yourself? It’s a simple question that we answer quickly. Yes I do. I’m not talking in every aspect because we simply aren’t good at everything. I mean at the core of who you are do you believe that you and only can get XYZ done. No support system, no encouragement, it’s just you and the past failures you have dealt with. Can you take those and no matter believe that you and God have it?

Nobody can answer that except you. Dont ask anyone elses opinion. They don’t know its up to you. You only. I want you to ponder that. I have no answer to your belief in yourself, but i want you to answer that. Until you do you are stuck! I mean stuck deep nothing pulls you out except Jesus and you finally truly pouring out yourself so you can fill yourself up. Think about it, find please





Day 1752  Destroy that please

31 12 2017

Happy new years eve.  2018 so weird to say but glad we made it.  

Have u ever watched a building be blown up, a fire destroy a home, a car accident shrink a car to nothing. Those are devastating and heart breaking for sure.

Not everything that is destroyed is bad though. As we all reflect on the new year i would hope and pray for each person reading this that 2018 is a year that you destroy. Destroy anger, relationships, past brain trash, your divorce, your hate,  the death you already created thats causing us not to be able to live. 

WE CANNOT MOVE FORWARD WITH THE LIFE THAT IS INTENDED HANGING ONTO THE THINGS THAT KICK OUR ASS EVERYDAY.

I struggle with never being enough, not being able to believe enough in myself to get out of the well. 

I struggle with anger because since i cant let go of things that strangle me, so i get angry thinking that will fix it, what it does is drives me away from everything i love.

Im not strong enough to do this alone.  God actually likes me enough to know if you want to leave behind is holding you down he will take it away but i must want to do it by actions not words.

I have to let go, destroy what is destroying me, or look up this time next year writing another blog about the crap that has a hold of me.

You may read this this and say man Tyler you have issues, yes i do and always will. I dont want this garbage anymore, i pray for me its not about resolutions that nobody follows through on but destryoing whats plagued me since i was a 10 year old boy.

To live like nobody else, you must live like nobody else.

I love you and pray that you get what you deserve and you can smile a real smile in 2018.





Day 1700 So I met this girl

9 11 2017

The journey after divorce is a roller coaster. That might be an understatement. I started out with 6 months of no dating and then I dated a lot and often. I knew within about 10 minutes of every date well this wont work. After divorce you know what you want and don’t want if you don’t you shouldn’t step into another relationship. So I learned, I got frustrated, I got hopeless then I got engaged. It was good then my mom died. I went from having one parent to no parents. I wasn’t the same, and it was difficult on her to. We parted ways and you realize people do come in for seasons and it never makes sense to me but that’s God way so we go with it. Then I met this girl!

KAS and T

Im big on smiles, I’ve learned that on my worse days seeing someone smile can change my mood. So I was on an online dating site wasting time really when I was without my kids and her smile popped up. I was like wow her smile is amazing and she is super hott! Then her first line was mom of 2 angels in Heaven and I was intrigued. So I went through the generic questions and finally just asked to text. I had to know what the 2 angels in Heaven meant. Never in a million years did I think I would hear that her ex-husband killer her 2 kids and then killed himself. To stay I was speechless was crazy but me being speechless is unheard of. So while Ill gathered my thoughts i asked generic questions trying not to cross any lines. I was expecting my mind to push away because Im really good at pushing away but especially in this situation. Something was pulling me to her and not pushing. Yes Im drawn to helping others but this was more of I could love her.

We went on a date and typically she is very shy she said and she wasn’t and she looked so amazing. I was enthralled in listening to her. Trying to understand her story, how she made it, how she didn’t take her life. I couldn’t get enough of listening to her. She is the strongest woman I know. She helps others and strives to make others lives better. Shes so funny, witty, a little bit of a smart arse, but mostly she accepts me. I’m a weird dude, who has an opinion, who loves everyone, whose striving to make my corner of life better, who wants to change stereotypes and excuses, but mostly I wanted someone to understand grief and the pain that I carry and accept it and love me through it. Don’t give up on me and see the greatness I carry. Mission accomplished!

I have never met someone so selfless, that loves at a depth I’ve never seen, I believe because of what she has lost she sees what others can’t. She reminds me so much of my mom, strong, would do anything for anyone, and loves at a depth I had never seen. Everyone loves her and that smile can light up the darkest places in the world.

I would say I’m lucky but I don’t believe in luck. I believe in blessings and you get what you deserve it maybe tomorrow or 40 years from now but Im blessed to find what I prayed for  sitting alone in my high school football stadium when I was 18 years old.

God willing we continue to grow together and take our stories to help change the world, but mostly that we love each other with a love that neither of us ever experienced.  So thank you Karen Ashley for being on this amazing journey, you help make my world a better place. I love you! Love never ends

 





Day 1594 She said I was plankton

16 07 2017

Hello from the 2nd coming of hell from the heat called North Texas. Ill stop complaining but its gross. I love to shower but you cant wash this heat off. Come by and visit me sometime if your from the north I’ll show you how to start a fire off your skin.

My friend Angela sent me a message the other day and said your plankton. you go to the light and bring it back to dark and share. I asked her is that good? She said yes you need to watch  a video she posted from Sadie Robertson from Duck Dynasty. Said she talked about plankton and I immediately came to her mind. I told her I had been called a lot of things in my life but that was a first. She said your one of those people  who share their light with others. So i had to watch the video because the only plankton I knew was from sponge bob.

A plankton is: Plankton (singular plankter) are a diverse group of organisms that live in the water column of large bodies of water and that cannot swim against a current. They provide a crucial source of food to many large aquatic organisms, such as fish and whales. The name plankton is derived from the Greek adjective πλαγκτός (planktos), meaning errant, and by extension “wanderer” or “drifter.

So at this time Im like well I kinda suck,  wanderer, cant swim, a drifter, and things eat me but I continued to listen. Im a floater now. Plankton start at the bottom of the dark ocean and float their way to the top to receive  light (photosynthesis) once it receives the light it goes back down to the darkest part of the ocean to provide 90% of the oceans photosynthesis which in turns provides 50% of the worlds oxygen. So it starts at the bottom of the ocean and goes to the light to bring it back to those things that need it.

So I stopped and thought that’s the best compliment I have ever been given. Truly it is. I have been in the deepest darkest places. I have walked with the devil for a long time, I manipulated life and those around me, I lied to get what I wanted, but truly all I wanted was to receive the light and had no idea how to get there. When I went to take my life there were 2 options take my life or receive the light. Receiving the light is not easy. Its not walking into a room and flipping the switch. Its one, stop believing the lies we have told our self for years, cleaning out the people around us, and then believing what God says about us without say but, . It took me 36 years to get to the point so I can’t expect to receive all the light in one day. What I hope through my texts, messages, blog, speaking, Facebook and Instagram posts is one person take my garbage that I’m real about and says if this guy can do it I can to. I try everyday to go to the light and bring it to those who need it because in all honesty I hate for anyone to feel the way I did or do.

So I wear the title of Plankton as an honor. Some days floating around knowing that someone is going to use me a a source and bring oxygen to them that they may not have had before. I hope I can continue bringing light to you and if I haven’t maybe I will drift into  you shortly and help you just when you need it. LOVE YOU

 

 





Day 1581 Really dad 12 years

3 07 2017

I’m not sure if I get older its getting hotter or Im a wuss.If you listen closely you can hear my bald sizzle. I like the sound of sizzling just not my head but its July in Texas so I’ll shut up and just smell like cooked bacon. I had a friend message me on Facebook Friday and say that the equator must be close because he literally caught himself catch on fire. Happy early 4th of July I hope you’re getting a chance to spend time with family and laugh. Please laugh it helps cure a lot of ailments.

Today would be my dads 79th birthday. He really would be an old man today He’s also been gone for 12 years. I remember the length of time more on his birthdays than his death day just because its easier to remember his birthday. If you  know my story you know my dad I weren’t on the same page. Many days I hated him, no matter what I loved him but he let me down everyday. So I type this for my healing. The memories never end so just to let go of what I think about here I go

He was disabled and let me become the man of the family. It was a badge I wore with pride but a badge that was too much for me to carry. It taught me that it was never okay to fail, that perfection is all that mattered, that its okay to put the world on my shoulders because I can handle it, never look weak, oh and never take care of yourself because to many people are counting on you. So I lived that way everyday. Problem is all the above things are garbage and when I did do them I had no man to count on so I held it in, or I fought it out or had sex with a girl that I didn’t care about so for 5 minutes I could feel normal. Truthfully all it did was make me bitter, guilty, broken, and full of hate. I could fake it good, manipulate a situation or bully my way to what I wanted remember, I was the man at 10.

So I carry this burden and lie of who I was with me for 36 years. I blamed him for everything. For 7 of those years he was dead and 6 feet under but it was still his fault I was failing, I mean I was the man it couldn’t be me. I remember walking pass his room to my room or coming home to see my parents. There he was sitting on the side of the bed with his head down. I was like you SOB get up help me (only in my mind) . You left me on this island alone and I’m sinking. F it. I’ll just do it myself and the rage continued….

Not to bore you while you’re  reading I’ll  move on. August 27th of 2011 all my failures, never knowing I was enough, feeling like I failed at everything I touched I attempted to kill myself. It was the first day in my life I heard God speak to me, God wasn’t ready for me to die. He knew that I hated him because I looked at God like I looked my dad you were just sitting there watching me drown so FU God I got this. He knew I needed the fatherly love that was missing so he trusted me with another chance.

December 7th of 2011 my life changed forever. I had been in counseling for 3 months and been preaching to about forgiveness. Not sure why this day but I drove an 1.5 to my hometown on a nasty day, Full of sleet, muddy ground a bone chilling wind. I got out of my truck and hit my knees and asked the man in the ground to forgive me and I loved him and would he please forgive me. I looked over my right shoulder to see who was pull on my shoulder.. nobody was there except 36 years of bullshit I carried now was gone.

Since that day I’ve come to love my dad, know he did the best with what he was taught, that he loved me with everything that he was capable of. That day taught me to love others, no matter what they do to me. It also taught me how to be a dad. To show up, to give my kids time, and never let one day go by without letting them know I love them and they are enough.

So today happy 79th birthday Ewing Jay Wood. From one proud son to have a father like you. I hope you’re playing music , making people laugh, dancing and loving the best mother that we could have been blessed with. Eat that rib-eye that you waited on every year I love you daddy.

 





Day 814 The prison walls

20 04 2015

Rain and more rain. We were in a horrible drought for about 4 year’s but i think we are catching up. Bad part is baseball games are getting canceled. At least we get to sleep in. Boy life is throwing everything it can at me in the last 2 weeks. Its testing faith and so its time to put my money where my mouth is and either believe with my faith or throw my hands up. Option 2 really isn’t an option.

One of my favorite movies ever is Shawshank Redemption. There are so many life lessons in the movie. One of my favorite quotes “Get busy living or get busy dying”. There are many more. There is one section which I used to think about all the time and it was when Redd was talking about the prison walls. “Believe what you want. These walls are funny. First you hate ’em, then you get used to ’em. After long enough, you get so you depend on ’em. That’s ‘institutionalized” I’ve never been to prison but I have visited at least 3 friends there. I hated every minute of it. I knew I needed to visit but I wanted out as so as possible. Every time I left I thought about my own prison I had created with my thoughts and beliefs. The walls I Hated about myself created not from brick or stone but a hardened heart and soul, My worth, how ugly I thought I was, how I had failed as an athlete, how I couldn’t make anyone happy, I was a loser husband and father and if you saw through me you would hate me. Over the years I saw no way out so I got used to them and then I used them to become a victim. Luckily I  got humbled and lost everything so I could see the true me. The things I believed and yes some were true I got to work on them and “fix” them and me. The problem with walls is you never tear them all the way down. You can lie to yourself and say you did and I thought that. So much so I stopped going to counseling and thought just talking about my walls would continue to heal them. I continued to lie to myself until I can to the realization that of: Why are you still single, why do you feel parts of you are dead? Honestly I had no answer this time.

5 weeks ago I started back to counseling. I promise its been one of the best decisions I have made throughout my journey. Going back opened me up again, I haven’t left counseling yet since I started feeling better because when you have walls demolition sucks. The lack of trust I have for people was honestly sickening. My fear of myself and me wanting to be happy ‘which was a lie’ was something I had no idea I was sabotaging.It was affecting every aspect of my life. I want love but was choosing not to love me because I didn’t deserve it.  I had created my own institutionalized person that I had fought so hard to get away from. I can preach, offer, suggestions, give hope, know the knowledge but I couldn’t live it for me.  I am and was messing up relationships and I want to create them not destroy them. The hardest thing I realized after all this time is I’m very similar to my dad. I tried so hard not to be him and had. He lacked trust and was fearful and only and learned to isolate.

I sat with my counselor Brian and we got real and I cried. I actually got back to real prayer with God and not some generic crap you see in the movies. I cussed at God which I can be very good at but I asked him to open my eyes and that he did.  So as I write this blog. Here are a few takeaways, this journey is never old, the shadows in the valley will catch you if you choose, You are never fixed, and finally God has and will always be there if I or you choose it. Whatever your prison wall, or valley start now not only with God but those people who God has wired into your life. Get busy living or get busy dying. If you choose to die your can have your own institution.








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