Day 1700 So I met this girl

9 11 2017

The journey after divorce is a roller coaster. That might be an understatement. I started out with 6 months of no dating and then I dated a lot and often. I knew within about 10 minutes of every date well this wont work. After divorce you know what you want and don’t want if you don’t you shouldn’t step into another relationship. So I learned, I got frustrated, I got hopeless then I got engaged. It was good then my mom died. I went from having one parent to no parents. I wasn’t the same, and it was difficult on her to. We parted ways and you realize people do come in for seasons and it never makes sense to me but that’s God way so we go with it. Then I met this girl!

KAS and T

Im big on smiles, I’ve learned that on my worse days seeing someone smile can change my mood. So I was on an online dating site wasting time really when I was without my kids and her smile popped up. I was like wow her smile is amazing and she is super hott! Then her first line was mom of 2 angels in Heaven and I was intrigued. So I went through the generic questions and finally just asked to text. I had to know what the 2 angels in Heaven meant. Never in a million years did I think I would hear that her ex-husband killer her 2 kids and then killed himself. To stay I was speechless was crazy but me being speechless is unheard of. So while Ill gathered my thoughts i asked generic questions trying not to cross any lines. I was expecting my mind to push away because Im really good at pushing away but especially in this situation. Something was pulling me to her and not pushing. Yes Im drawn to helping others but this was more of I could love her.

We went on a date and typically she is very shy she said and she wasn’t and she looked so amazing. I was enthralled in listening to her. Trying to understand her story, how she made it, how she didn’t take her life. I couldn’t get enough of listening to her. She is the strongest woman I know. She helps others and strives to make others lives better. Shes so funny, witty, a little bit of a smart arse, but mostly she accepts me. I’m a weird dude, who has an opinion, who loves everyone, whose striving to make my corner of life better, who wants to change stereotypes and excuses, but mostly I wanted someone to understand grief and the pain that I carry and accept it and love me through it. Don’t give up on me and see the greatness I carry. Mission accomplished!

I have never met someone so selfless, that loves at a depth I’ve never seen, I believe because of what she has lost she sees what others can’t. She reminds me so much of my mom, strong, would do anything for anyone, and loves at a depth I had never seen. Everyone loves her and that smile can light up the darkest places in the world.

I would say I’m lucky but I don’t believe in luck. I believe in blessings and you get what you deserve it maybe tomorrow or 40 years from now but Im blessed to find what I prayed for  sitting alone in my high school football stadium when I was 18 years old.

God willing we continue to grow together and take our stories to help change the world, but mostly that we love each other with a love that neither of us ever experienced.  So thank you Karen Ashley for being on this amazing journey, you help make my world a better place. I love you! Love never ends

 

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Day 1594 She said I was plankton

16 07 2017

Hello from the 2nd coming of hell from the heat called North Texas. Ill stop complaining but its gross. I love to shower but you cant wash this heat off. Come by and visit me sometime if your from the north I’ll show you how to start a fire off your skin.

My friend Angela sent me a message the other day and said your plankton. you go to the light and bring it back to dark and share. I asked her is that good? She said yes you need to watch  a video she posted from Sadie Robertson from Duck Dynasty. Said she talked about plankton and I immediately came to her mind. I told her I had been called a lot of things in my life but that was a first. She said your one of those people  who share their light with others. So i had to watch the video because the only plankton I knew was from sponge bob.

A plankton is: Plankton (singular plankter) are a diverse group of organisms that live in the water column of large bodies of water and that cannot swim against a current. They provide a crucial source of food to many large aquatic organisms, such as fish and whales. The name plankton is derived from the Greek adjective πλαγκτός (planktos), meaning errant, and by extension “wanderer” or “drifter.

So at this time Im like well I kinda suck,  wanderer, cant swim, a drifter, and things eat me but I continued to listen. Im a floater now. Plankton start at the bottom of the dark ocean and float their way to the top to receive  light (photosynthesis) once it receives the light it goes back down to the darkest part of the ocean to provide 90% of the oceans photosynthesis which in turns provides 50% of the worlds oxygen. So it starts at the bottom of the ocean and goes to the light to bring it back to those things that need it.

So I stopped and thought that’s the best compliment I have ever been given. Truly it is. I have been in the deepest darkest places. I have walked with the devil for a long time, I manipulated life and those around me, I lied to get what I wanted, but truly all I wanted was to receive the light and had no idea how to get there. When I went to take my life there were 2 options take my life or receive the light. Receiving the light is not easy. Its not walking into a room and flipping the switch. Its one, stop believing the lies we have told our self for years, cleaning out the people around us, and then believing what God says about us without say but, . It took me 36 years to get to the point so I can’t expect to receive all the light in one day. What I hope through my texts, messages, blog, speaking, Facebook and Instagram posts is one person take my garbage that I’m real about and says if this guy can do it I can to. I try everyday to go to the light and bring it to those who need it because in all honesty I hate for anyone to feel the way I did or do.

So I wear the title of Plankton as an honor. Some days floating around knowing that someone is going to use me a a source and bring oxygen to them that they may not have had before. I hope I can continue bringing light to you and if I haven’t maybe I will drift into  you shortly and help you just when you need it. LOVE YOU

 

 





Day 1581 Really dad 12 years

3 07 2017

I’m not sure if I get older its getting hotter or Im a wuss.If you listen closely you can hear my bald sizzle. I like the sound of sizzling just not my head but its July in Texas so I’ll shut up and just smell like cooked bacon. I had a friend message me on Facebook Friday and say that the equator must be close because he literally caught himself catch on fire. Happy early 4th of July I hope you’re getting a chance to spend time with family and laugh. Please laugh it helps cure a lot of ailments.

Today would be my dads 79th birthday. He really would be an old man today He’s also been gone for 12 years. I remember the length of time more on his birthdays than his death day just because its easier to remember his birthday. If you  know my story you know my dad I weren’t on the same page. Many days I hated him, no matter what I loved him but he let me down everyday. So I type this for my healing. The memories never end so just to let go of what I think about here I go

He was disabled and let me become the man of the family. It was a badge I wore with pride but a badge that was too much for me to carry. It taught me that it was never okay to fail, that perfection is all that mattered, that its okay to put the world on my shoulders because I can handle it, never look weak, oh and never take care of yourself because to many people are counting on you. So I lived that way everyday. Problem is all the above things are garbage and when I did do them I had no man to count on so I held it in, or I fought it out or had sex with a girl that I didn’t care about so for 5 minutes I could feel normal. Truthfully all it did was make me bitter, guilty, broken, and full of hate. I could fake it good, manipulate a situation or bully my way to what I wanted remember, I was the man at 10.

So I carry this burden and lie of who I was with me for 36 years. I blamed him for everything. For 7 of those years he was dead and 6 feet under but it was still his fault I was failing, I mean I was the man it couldn’t be me. I remember walking pass his room to my room or coming home to see my parents. There he was sitting on the side of the bed with his head down. I was like you SOB get up help me (only in my mind) . You left me on this island alone and I’m sinking. F it. I’ll just do it myself and the rage continued….

Not to bore you while you’re  reading I’ll  move on. August 27th of 2011 all my failures, never knowing I was enough, feeling like I failed at everything I touched I attempted to kill myself. It was the first day in my life I heard God speak to me, God wasn’t ready for me to die. He knew that I hated him because I looked at God like I looked my dad you were just sitting there watching me drown so FU God I got this. He knew I needed the fatherly love that was missing so he trusted me with another chance.

December 7th of 2011 my life changed forever. I had been in counseling for 3 months and been preaching to about forgiveness. Not sure why this day but I drove an 1.5 to my hometown on a nasty day, Full of sleet, muddy ground a bone chilling wind. I got out of my truck and hit my knees and asked the man in the ground to forgive me and I loved him and would he please forgive me. I looked over my right shoulder to see who was pull on my shoulder.. nobody was there except 36 years of bullshit I carried now was gone.

Since that day I’ve come to love my dad, know he did the best with what he was taught, that he loved me with everything that he was capable of. That day taught me to love others, no matter what they do to me. It also taught me how to be a dad. To show up, to give my kids time, and never let one day go by without letting them know I love them and they are enough.

So today happy 79th birthday Ewing Jay Wood. From one proud son to have a father like you. I hope you’re playing music , making people laugh, dancing and loving the best mother that we could have been blessed with. Eat that rib-eye that you waited on every year I love you daddy.

 





Day 814 The prison walls

20 04 2015

Rain and more rain. We were in a horrible drought for about 4 year’s but i think we are catching up. Bad part is baseball games are getting canceled. At least we get to sleep in. Boy life is throwing everything it can at me in the last 2 weeks. Its testing faith and so its time to put my money where my mouth is and either believe with my faith or throw my hands up. Option 2 really isn’t an option.

One of my favorite movies ever is Shawshank Redemption. There are so many life lessons in the movie. One of my favorite quotes “Get busy living or get busy dying”. There are many more. There is one section which I used to think about all the time and it was when Redd was talking about the prison walls. “Believe what you want. These walls are funny. First you hate ’em, then you get used to ’em. After long enough, you get so you depend on ’em. That’s ‘institutionalized” I’ve never been to prison but I have visited at least 3 friends there. I hated every minute of it. I knew I needed to visit but I wanted out as so as possible. Every time I left I thought about my own prison I had created with my thoughts and beliefs. The walls I Hated about myself created not from brick or stone but a hardened heart and soul, My worth, how ugly I thought I was, how I had failed as an athlete, how I couldn’t make anyone happy, I was a loser husband and father and if you saw through me you would hate me. Over the years I saw no way out so I got used to them and then I used them to become a victim. Luckily I  got humbled and lost everything so I could see the true me. The things I believed and yes some were true I got to work on them and “fix” them and me. The problem with walls is you never tear them all the way down. You can lie to yourself and say you did and I thought that. So much so I stopped going to counseling and thought just talking about my walls would continue to heal them. I continued to lie to myself until I can to the realization that of: Why are you still single, why do you feel parts of you are dead? Honestly I had no answer this time.

5 weeks ago I started back to counseling. I promise its been one of the best decisions I have made throughout my journey. Going back opened me up again, I haven’t left counseling yet since I started feeling better because when you have walls demolition sucks. The lack of trust I have for people was honestly sickening. My fear of myself and me wanting to be happy ‘which was a lie’ was something I had no idea I was sabotaging.It was affecting every aspect of my life. I want love but was choosing not to love me because I didn’t deserve it.  I had created my own institutionalized person that I had fought so hard to get away from. I can preach, offer, suggestions, give hope, know the knowledge but I couldn’t live it for me.  I am and was messing up relationships and I want to create them not destroy them. The hardest thing I realized after all this time is I’m very similar to my dad. I tried so hard not to be him and had. He lacked trust and was fearful and only and learned to isolate.

I sat with my counselor Brian and we got real and I cried. I actually got back to real prayer with God and not some generic crap you see in the movies. I cussed at God which I can be very good at but I asked him to open my eyes and that he did.  So as I write this blog. Here are a few takeaways, this journey is never old, the shadows in the valley will catch you if you choose, You are never fixed, and finally God has and will always be there if I or you choose it. Whatever your prison wall, or valley start now not only with God but those people who God has wired into your life. Get busy living or get busy dying. If you choose to die your can have your own institution.





Day 814 The prison walls

19 04 2015

Rain and more rain. We were in a horrible drought for about 4 year’s but i think we are catching up. Bad part is baseball games are getting canceled. At least we get to sleep in. Boy life is throwing everything it can at me in the last 2 weeks. Its testing faith and so its time to put my money where my mouth is and either believe with my faith or throw my hands up. Option 2 really isn’t an option.

One of my favorite movies ever is Shawshank Redemption. There are so many life lessons in the movie. One of my favorite quotes “Get busy living or get busy dying”. There are many more. There is one section which I used to think about all the time and it was when Redd was talking about the prison walls. “Believe what you want. These walls are funny. First you hate ’em, then you get used to ’em. After long enough, you get so you depend on ’em. That’s ‘institutionalized” I’ve never been to prison but I have visited at least 3 friends there. I hated every minute of it. I knew I needed to visit but I wanted out as so as possible. Every time I left I thought about my own prison I had created with my thoughts and beliefs. The walls I Hated about myself created not from brick or stone but a hardened heart and soul, My worth, how ugly I thought I was, how I had failed as an athlete, how I couldn’t make anyone happy, I was a loser husband and father and if you saw through me you would hate me. Over the years I saw no way out so I got used to them and then I used them to become a victim. Luckily I  got humbled and lost everything so I could see the true me. The things I believed and yes some were true I got to work on them and “fix” them and me. The problem with walls is you never tear them all the way down. You can lie to yourself and say you did and I thought that. So much so I stopped going to counseling and thought just talking about my walls would continue to heal them. I continued to lie to myself until I can to the realization that of: Why are you still single, why do you feel parts of you are dead? Honestly I had no answer this time.

5 weeks ago I started back to counseling. I promise its been one of the best decisions I have made throughout my journey. Going back opened me up again, I haven’t left counseling yet since I started feeling better because when you have walls demolition sucks. The lack of trust I have for people was honestly sickening. My fear of myself and me wanting to be happy ‘which was a lie’ was something I had no idea I was sabotaging.It was affecting every aspect of my life. I want love but was choosing not to love me because I didn’t deserve it.  I had created my own institutionalized person that I had fought so hard to get away from. I can preach, offer, suggestions, give hope, know the knowledge but I couldn’t live it for me.  I am and was messing up relationships and I want to create them not destroy them. The hardest thing I realized after all this time is I’m very similar to my dad. I tried so hard not to be him and had. He lacked trust and was fearful and only and learned to isolate.

I sat with my counselor Brian and we got real and I cried. I actually got back to real prayer with God and not some generic crap you see in the movies. I cussed at God which I can be very good at but I asked him to open my eyes and that he did.  So as I write this blog. Here are a few takeaways, this journey is never old, the shadows in the valley will catch you if you choose, You are never fixed, and finally God has and will always be there if I or you choose it. Whatever your prison wall, or valley start now not only with God but those people who God has wired into your life. Get busy living or get busy dying. If you choose to die your can have your own institution.





Day 814 The prison walls

19 04 2015

Rain and more rain. We were in a horrible drought for about 4 year’s but i think we are catching up. Bad part is baseball games are getting canceled. At least we get to sleep in. Boy life is throwing everything it can at me in the last 2 weeks. Its testing faith and so its time to put my money where my mouth is and either believe with my faith or throw my hands up. Option 2 really isn’t an option.

One of my favorite movies ever is Shawshank Redemption. There are so many life lessons in the movie. One of my favorite quotes “Get busy living or get busy dying”. There are many more. There is one section which I used to think about all the time and it was when Redd was talking about the prison walls. “Believe what you want. These walls are funny. First you hate ’em, then you get used to ’em. After long enough, you get so you depend on ’em. That’s ‘institutionalized” I’ve never been to prison but I have visited at least 3 friends there. I hated every minute of it. I knew I needed to visit but I wanted out as so as possible. Every time I left I thought about my own prison I had created with my thoughts and beliefs. The walls I Hated about myself created not from brick or stone but a hardened heart and soul, My worth, how ugly I thought I was, how I had failed as an athlete, how I couldn’t make anyone happy, I was a loser husband and father and if you saw through me you would hate me. Over the years I saw no way out so I got used to them and then I used them to become a victim. Luckily I  got humbled and lost everything so I could see the true me. The things I believed and yes some were true I got to work on them and “fix” them and me. The problem with walls is you never tear them all the way down. You can lie to yourself and say you did and I thought that. So much so I stopped going to counseling and thought just talking about my walls would continue to heal them. I continued to lie to myself until I can to the realization that of: Why are you still single, why do you feel parts of you are dead? Honestly I had no answer this time.

5 weeks ago I started back to counseling. I promise its been one of the best decisions I have made throughout my journey. Going back opened me up again, I haven’t left counseling yet since I started feeling better because when you have walls demolition sucks. The lack of trust I have for people was honestly sickening. My fear of myself and me wanting to be happy ‘which was a lie’ was something I had no idea I was sabotaging.It was affecting every aspect of my life. I want love but was choosing not to love me because I didn’t deserve it.  I had created my own institutionalized person that I had fought so hard to get away from. I can preach, offer, suggestions, give hope, know the knowledge but I couldn’t live it for me.  I am and was messing up relationships and I want to create them not destroy them. The hardest thing I realized after all this time is I’m very similar to my dad. I tried so hard not to be him and had. He lacked trust and was fearful and only and learned to isolate.

I sat with my counselor Brian and we got real and I cried. I actually got back to real prayer with God and not some generic crap you see in the movies. I cussed at God which I can be very good at but I asked him to open my eyes and that he did.  So as I write this blog. Here are a few takeaways, this journey is never old, the shadows in the valley will catch you if you choose, You are never fixed, and finally God has and will always be there if I or you choose it. Whatever your prison wall, or valley start now not only with God but those people who God has wired into your life. Get busy living or get busy dying. If you choose to die your can have your own institution.





Day 772 Why would you ever treat me that way

9 03 2015

I had a great weekend. I got to gamble a bit , I got to relax Saturday night which is a rarity and last night I got to see one of my favorite Comedians Jo Koy. I haven’t laughed so hard for a prolonged period in my life. He just let the show come to him and used the audience. He also went 35 minutes longer than he should have. It’s so true that laughing really does make you feel better.

One of my points to push me over the edge is cheating. If you want to see me angry then lets walk down that road together. Bottom-line: It is NEVER okay. I don’t care how you grew up, if your parents did it, if it was done to you, or you just can’t  deal with life or people, and you feel your just going to do it. It always starts, well Im not attracted to you anymore, I don’t love you anymore, you just don’t get me. The problem  with cheaters is that nothing will make them happy. Until they realize that they deserve love, willing to be loved and stop blaming everyone else for their problems they will stay that way. PEOPLE DO NOT MAKE OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY. NEVER EVER! they can enhance your life but you’re the only person in charge of your joy or happiness. When you start thinking that the flawed,broken, scared person you are with is going to not let you down, or make mistakes. Then when they do you decide well here’s another person always not loving me or letting me down.

I will be the first to say I have never cheated on anyone. I could never imagine going behind someones back destroying trust, loyalty, faith and love because I was such a miserable sack of crap that I couldn’t be honest and tell the person that I lost my feelings for you and we need to end it. I have never heard one person say. I’m so glad I cheated because when I had to look that person in the eye and tell them what I did it was so much easier telling them after the fact than before I did it. I understand pain! Physical mental and emotional pain. I have absorbed it all and dealt more of it out so I understand why people do dumb dumb crap.

I saw this twice this weekend. One person said to me please don’t judge me. Judge you no but you’re an asshole and what does it solve. Even it was happening on the other side two wrongs never made a right. Here’s what I always find the funniest. Do you actually think the cheater isn’t going to cheat on you one day. One you start its easy to keep going. Do you really believe that in the midst of a relationship and when it gets real that your so special that your worth not cheating on. If so I have the winning lottery numbers you can buy from me. You mask it, say the right thing etc.. People cheat because they can’t stand themselves. Sure you made mistakes but the cheater is miserable and they throw it on everyone because it’s what they know. If a cheater gets cheated on they are absolutely floored and astonished like how could this happen to me.

I wish I could solve this problem. I have two good friends going through this. It breaks my heart because the pain is horrible. No matter what you blame yourself and no matter you never get away with it. All I can ask if this: If your cheating stop right now and ask God to save your sorry butt, pray like you never have. Then go get help for your problems not your partners problem because all you can change is you. Finally if your about to pull those pants down pull them up, go to your partner and tell them I have lost feelings for you and I’m not interested in making it better between us but before I do something stupid we need to divorce. breakup etc.. That will hurt but not nearly has bad as a bold face lie and slap in the face. The scars that cheaters create run deep but they affect everyone around you especially. you think its hard to tell your spouse after the fact wait until you have to look your kids in the eye and tell them what a piece of crap you are. God always forgives, people not so much. Zip your pants and tighten your belt please.








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