Day 1836 How about you kiss my ……..

25 03 2018

Hello people and hope life is going great for you. Past 4 weeks, I had to put my dog to sleep, got  a new job where I travel, a new cell-phone which there is a learning curve,  and sat in the middle seat twice on a plane. 1 st world problems but still, the middle seat!

 

One thing I do a lot of is reflect. It might be a conversation, a text, the way I reacted, my thoughts at that moment, why I didn’t do something or I did. I’m always trying to be better than I was when the alarm went off that day. Some days I’m a miserable failure on being better and some days actually proud of myself. If you know me that’s something I’ve struggle with my whole life. If I was a fighter in his prime I’m Muhammad Ali the way I beat myself up. It’s a blessing and curse because you always hold yourself to a higher standard but also I never give myself a break. So today I did a reflecting on the past year of my life. It’s still new in the year and a lot of time to have the year I want.  So why not. Why do you get angry at the smallest thing sometimes, you do realize that the 99 problems you built up in your head actually the only one you had was yourself. Why do you go to church on Sunday, sit by yourself and then leave early. I guess Jesus left the building so you thought you were on his level.  Why do you neglect texts from people all they wanted to know is how you’re doing. They probably actually cared.  I know you push a lot of people out of your life because your afraid of them but you should be proud of the few you allowed to stay.. Every time you speak to a group of total strangers and pour your heart out you are doing something great. Somebody walks away with something and if you don’t believe that God knows. The messages you post to Facebook to help encourage or offer hope you should heed those same messages. You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to tell everyone how horrible you were in your past. They want to know your story but who you are now is who and what they like and be comfortable in it. You can’t save everyone but you know 3 you have. You’re doing your part stop and be happy about those. Every time you knew you should have said yes but said no I hoped you learned from that.  I know you think have no clue what to do with a teenage daughter but when she kisses your forehead and says she loves you  that she really does.  When you did for yourself or went somewhere you wanted to go did you ever regret it. The answer is no and its okay to take care of yourself too. When you get by urself and you  cry that’s God just getting me to cleanse myself so I can see what I  forget. You are not broken anymore, your glued back and your beautiful. Yes mom and dad are proud of who you are. You work so hard to be a great parent. Finally you’re a really good man, worthy of the most love, patience, grace and hope from another. Every morning you tell yourself that because as flawed and broken as you are and were you’re an  example and very few can wake up every morning and say that.

Just throwing out my thoughts because thats what a blog is for. Happy Easter and eat a cadbuy for me. Oh and you dont have to kiss my …. I just liked the title

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Day 1523 Who are you when the door closes

26 04 2017

It was 76 degrees at 9:00 am this morning. At 12:00 it was 61 and now its 52 with a low of 45. Friday it will 90. I can’t change my underwear as fast at the weather changes in the beautiful state of Texas.  If you’ve never been to Texas make sure to get some BBQ and Mexican food it may give you gas but its worth it I promise!

I hate surprises when it comes to people. I would rather you be yourself from jump than pretend to be someone you’re not. I would never ask you to be like me and just put yourself out there from the get go. If you know me I’ll say just about anything, I volunteer information you probably didn’t want to know, I’ll let you know my faults, Ill tell a joke that might cause you to gasp, if the moment calls to cry with you I can and will, if you need me to defend you, I might lose my crap and get angry. I’ve been told and asked do you try to scare people away  before they get to know you? No I just want you to get to know me sooner than later. If you don’t like me you can move on and not waste time or say this is someone I want in my life forever. I want real! In any friendship or relationship there’s always a probationary period 1 month to 9 months. You kind of get a pass but we are who we are. What do you think is going to happen when people see the real you? I mean really think  about it if you become the bride or groom of chucky after 6 months do you think your relationship is going to flourish.

I have friends right now that long relationships are ending for the following, they were a drinker and hid it, one guy had kids that he never said anything about, another a porn addiction, one she sniffs markers when her kids go got school and passes out but gets up in enough time to still be mom and get the house ready. Another had an anger problem and she never knew he had until the first time she questioned him.  When you go home and close the door who knows that person.

Do you allow people to see the real you or do you put on a show? Do you exhaust yourself so much trying to prove you’re a great Christian, or mom, dad, friend but when you get home all hell breaks loose. The door closes behind you and your Halloween costume comes on. Being real is rare. I don’t have many friends, lots of people who claim to be friend but I have heard you are like nobody I’ve ever met. I always say thank you I wear that proudly. I tried to be a famous actor, and put my Halloween costume  on for people. It drove me to the point to try to take my life. I hope never again. I want you to like me but if you don’t its okay too. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea but I might be the best cup of tea you’ve had.

PS: Your closet door is open:)

 





Day 1520 The problem isn’t the problem

23 04 2017

Happy Sunday peeps. I tried Taco Bell food again today. I have to stop. It was a staple of my youth. I think for $2.00 I got full. Now I eat it and Im going to throw up. My digestive system is never going to forgive me. Going to burp gordito something for weeks. Sorry typing out loud again. Anyway on to the blog and here’sssss Tyler!!

I rarely get anything from the message at church if being honest. I go and search and pray but usually nothing. Today was different. I listened and stayed off my phone.

The problem isn’t the problem. AS always I will use my life to explain the message. We all search for more, better , best, I need a home, a new job, raise my kids better, love from someone. So we get a new home then we need more stuff in it, a got  a job finally, now I need more money, my kid got over this hurdle now I need them to just stop doing (ABC) I found someone to love me but they need to do it this way. You Can pick what fits for you! Why is nothing ever enough. Its fear of running out, a fear of having or being enough, I never felt like I was enough, even though I put the world on my shoulders and actually accomplished a lot but things I didn’t haunt me. Not being the final athlete I should, pushing on and being a Dr. So I buy a house, after I get it, it’s not big enough, I should have bought here, I need more in it. I have a job so thankful then I’m not getting paid enough, they don’t appreciate me, so you look for another one. In love you find someone to love you but then the new wears off and they don’t do this for me, or they can’t love me, Im a mess. Were all looking for validation like a child, did I do good, do you love me, but even when we have it, we think we don’t have it.

We all know alcoholics, drug users, helicopter parents, sex addicts, manipulators etc. The problem with who we are today isn’t about today its about those unresolved problems from our past. If my dad would have been capable of loving me and letting me know I was enough I wouldn’t be searching everyday to be more. I would be okay with me, , the love I have, the people in my life, the stuff I have. I already got everything I need so why more. It’s about Validation. I have never been to a funeral where someone said, man their house was so big, or he got married 4 times so he could find love, or what he made at his job. Which tells me that crap doesn’t matter. I sent my kid to all these camps and he’s so smart but you forgot to love him and now he hates you or has become an addict because you didn’t love him with time you loved him with stuff.

We then start medicating, buying more, drinking more, showing off more, trying to impress the unimpressible. All the things we already had we lost for trying to climb the mountain to attain more. How do you fix it! I started 1.5 year ago writing down 3 things Im thankful for each day. It’s never been hard to do. It’s a mindset change yes but there is so much each day. Start telling other why their enough, start loving those in your life and make sure they know first that you love them. You ask God to show you what you choose not to see. Enough is enough and always has been. Then surround yourself with grateful people! Its amazing when I hear someone say Im so thankful that I  got to have or get XYZ. Im like me too why didn’t I say thank you for that rather than expect it.

When you think why do I have this problem. It goes back to the past and not being grateful for what we do I have. So for that thank you for reading!





Day 1516 Find your joy idiot

18 04 2017

Joy isn’t like happiness which is based upon happenings or whether things are going well or not. No, joy remains even amidst the suffering. Joy is not happiness. Joy is an emotion that’s acquired by the anticipation, acquisition or even the expectation of something great or wonderful. It could be described as exhilaration, delight, sheer gladness, and can result from a great success or a very beautiful or wonderful experience like a wedding or graduation but the definition of joy that the world holds is not what it should be.

I hear find your joy.  U really need to find your joy. Okay I’m an idiot I can’t find it. I thought happiness  was joy. Then I started reading what joy was. I came to the conclusion I don’t know anyone that’s joyful. I probably just pissed one of my friends off but based on the definition no. Now I know some of my friends parents who are but their at the stage that they don’t give a crap about the “important stuff”. They’ve been there done that and the t-shirt has already shrank. So I see these list 40 things to find joy.

Here are some of them: 1. Learn something new (play a new sport or game, learn how to cook a new dish). 2. Get out in nature. 3. Help someone in a small way (by carrying their groceries or paying their toll on the highway). 4.Count your blessings. 5. Spend time with your pet. 6 Laugh and smile, no matter how you’re feeling. 7.Sing out loud. 8.Connect authentically with friends and family, sharing your vulnerabilities. 9.Dance. If you can’t dance, just skip.

So I would agree with this list. I found myself being very happy in each of those but what about when Monday rolls around, or I’ve had a life event or I’m not doing one of those things. I think between 35-50 is the toughest part of being an adult. Life is complicated, hard to understand, kids are in their toughest stages. then we hit mid-life crisis.  So how do you find joy? I have no idea I’m still trying to know the difference between happiness and joy. I need to find what I like and do those things. In time joy comes from that? I think joy comes from the things that we don’t do because we think we don’t have the time, money, or dumping of fear to do so.

So something for us all to think about.  What is joy? Where do I find it? When I find it how do I keep it? More to the journey so here I go!

 





Day 1511 Time heals all wounds- UMM No

13 04 2017

Happy Good Friday eve. Please take time and remember what Easter is all about. Kids mostly think it’s about a bunny, gifts and eggs. Just tell the story, your kids will understand one day. Enjoy your family. There are no promises for tomorrow.

I hear all the time Time heals all wounds. I want to define that persons definition of healed. Just like forgiveness you forgive but you never forget. In death, loss of a game, divorce, selling a home, memories, smells. You name it Time does not heal all wounds! When people give that advice they are very intended BUT Just sit back and in time you’ll no longer have the sadness, anguish, yearning, guilt, anger, and fear you’re feeling now. They’ll fade away, and you’ll be fine.  I mean how long is that time span where it will change, a month, 10 years, 50 years?

Yesterday at target an older lady walked by and  her perfume made me turn around it was White Diamonds the same perfume m mom work. Overwhelming sadness hit. You could also say it was a reminder of her that was positive. I didn’t ask for the feeling it just hit me. Anytime I smell a Marlboro cigarette it reminds me of my dad on Saturday mornings. That meant it was time to get up and go play sports. It may be a song, it may be an old road, but time doesn’t heal.

What I will tell you is,  It’s what you do with that time. You can pretend to shove all of the  junk in the back part of your brain. It’s still there, you didn’t hide it and something will trigger it and then what. You have to get help. You can bury yourself in work, family, drugs, alcohol but you can’t run fast enough from your self. It’s an endless game of tag that you always will lose. Time transforms how you have to deal with the wounds.  Time makes it easier to wait to cry until you get in the car. Time gives you some “good days” where you can better turn toward positive things or enjoy a good time or distract yourself with work, family, church etc..

The all mighty Counselor God will transform time, he will put us in places to heal but it’s not time. It’s what we do with that time. We are never alone  or isolated unless  we make that choice. Counseling, talking, crying, being real, letting go, admitting where we fall, not trying to understanding everything, loving others, support groups ….. Those things help time. Don’t be 80 years old trying to let go of a lifetime of pain while trying to gasp for a last breath. We never forget ,we just are able to deal with (it) if not time will eat us alive. Even the strongest crumble in TIME.





Day 1302 A BUT makes you a BUTT

8 09 2016

I miss writing so often but when the day ends there is not enough time or energy. I’m trying to make it a point to get back and blog. my mind needs the writers release. Even if nobody reads it, I still need it if that makes sense.

I have always defended myself even when it wasn’t necessary. I still do now because I still forget that I am worthy and I’m enough. That if I’m wrong I’m not that little boy who didn’t have his dad to guide my way so I had to be right or I was going to always make mistakes. I like to be right and who doesn’t but that’s an excuse. We were made not to be perfect but I keep thinking i have to always be perfect and if not I’ll argue with you until I am. The past 6 months have been filled with as many changes in my life than any other time. I’m trying to always be better but!!!! That word gets me always because I might agree with you but I need you to hear my side so you know that I’m okay. So Im still insecure, frightened, unsure, changing ball of a mess. I listen to God and then I stop listening and when I stop listening welcome to Tyler Wood and his interchanging “Buts”

Have you ever went and listened to yourself when you try to defend yourself. It sounds so stupid and when you’re having a good day you step back and say what in the hell did I do that for. What did it matter if I was right or wrong. I didn’t hear the other person, I probably hurt them and I didn’t listen to anything they said. All because Im so insecure, feel unloved, unattached from anyone or anything that I just need to be heard.

I was in an argument with my fiance and we were both wrong but God forbid if I actually shut up and not have to be the heavyweight champion of arguing. So I got the title that night and I hurt her feelings and made her feel that what she had to say wasn’t important. As soon as I said But i should have stopped because the moment I kept going I became a BUTT!

Im always a work in progress like we all are but if I have to  be the champion of But I will become the champion of the BUTTS too and I really don’t need another crappy crown.

We don’t always have to be right even when we are right. The BUT stops here. I hope it can stop with you too!





Day 1257 Im engaged

22 07 2016

4 years ago I walked out of the courthouse in Denton Texas and with my divorce paperwork in hand said this was it. Never did I want to be married or be in love again. It hurt too much. Everything I knew and believed about relationships and women was flushed away with the gavel hitting the stand.  I was in the process of rebuilding me but that part I just didn’t want a part of. I went 6 months of dating nobody as I worked on repairing my bitterness, anger and the stitching back my heart. I started dating and hated it. I would meet a nice girl then get afraid and run like a kid playing hide and go seek at school. When I started believing in myself more I started to believe that maybe my goal was just to be a daddy, work and enjoy be single. I had done online dating, meeting my friends, (not recommended) and randomly asking someone for a date that I never met.

Last June I was done with dating. I was ready for God to just drop her in my lap otherwise screw it.  I got an email for 1 month free then pay for one month for online dating. I tried it and July 5th of last year was my last day. On July 4th I sent a message to a girl named Stephanie in Austin. It was long distance and that wouldn’t work but why not. She responded and we started messaging. She was in Iowa visiting family so I couldn’t meet her. August 18th I drove to Austin and went on a small date just to meet because I had to get back and go to work. She was stunningly beautiful and the best thing is at dinner she put her arm around my arm.  I left and said she was pretty cool but I can’t make that work. I suck at distance and I need someone here everyday. After going back and forth mostly her coming here. I decided in October I wanted to be her boyfriend. I went back and forth not because I didn’t like her or was starting to love her but my fears. I wasn’t worthy, this can’t be real.

The Monday before my mom died we had a serious conversation about Stephanie. She said son I love her and she’s great for you. Stop finding things wrong and find the things right. My mom died the next day! Since that moment she has been my rock. She had no idea what to do for a man who was so close to his my mom but she has done it. She loves me and my kids unconditionally.  She tries everyday to understand how weird I am. I love her and never knew what it was like  to love someone like this. Faults, quirks, great things. i love her.

Last Thursday we went to Puerto Vallarta Mexico for a short vacation: I had made plans to ask her to marry me but she had no idea. Everything fell into including the ring get through the airport screening. Last Friday night i hit my knee on the beaches of Puerto Vallarta and asked Stephanie Ann Lemburg to be my wife and she said yes. I was so nervousness and didn’t want to screw up. I succeded

Never give up, God said he will restore what the Locusts ate. Here is another part of rising through the ashes. I couldn’t be more blessed to have put down my will and accept his.








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