Day 1544 Superman needs to wash his cape

17 05 2017

Hi Blog world well its Texas so you know its hot and humid. You walk outside after a shower you smell like a wet puppy and your pores look like clear plastic bowls. At least you can get a good tan and the smell of cooked bacon is rampant.

A sincere thank you for those who read my thoughts. To be honest it feels good when someone tell your thoughts, or being authentic and real helped me. Men don’t do what you do so you provide hope! When I die I hope the line is out the door and every person would say, he loved me, he was weird, honest, real and he provided me hope on my worst days. If that happens I left behind an amazing legacy. If I haven’t  yet I hope to do that soon.

Super man had a cape a pretty cool cape actually. Superman was 6th Halloween costume and when it was over I still wore the cape Sometimes I was clothed and sometimes I wasn’t but that’s another blog. The point is once I put that cape on I could do anything, I could fly, rescue my dog, bury my hot wheels deep in the dirt and find them, almost catch a squirrel, for 5 yards I was faster than a car. Point is with it on I could do anything it was my badge of honor. It had to be washed sometimes because it went everywhere with me and it went from  red to a dark brown. When I took it off I was just Normal Jason Tyler Wood. Nothing to save, no super hero, no one to cheer me on. So I needed the cape I thought.

10 years old my dad came to me and said son you’re the man of the family. I put on a permanent cape but I didn’t know it at the time. I put on a cape because my dad donated his to me. It was my badge, it was me rescuing everyone, me saving everything that need to be saved, me putting the world on my shoulders. A 10-year-old boy  trying to figure out a world but I didn’t even know how to shave. I wore it well though, my parents were proud of me told me I was doing a good job. I couldn’t let them down, I couldn’t take my cape off and wash it. I mean my family and world needed me. I couldn’t let myself down. This imaginary cape I was wearing my identity. I should be a 10 year old boy doing 10 year old boy stuff. I was busy trying to be responsible all the time, fixing adult problems and figuring out a way to get my family out of the hell it was in. At the same time developing an anger problem because I didn’t have the answers, fighting my way out of problems, loving people so they would love but knowing how to. I prayed people would like me and see what I was doing was awesome. They would shout my name to my greatness. I was creating the Tyler idol.

I could go through every year and tell you how I wore the cape without washing it,  how it was tattered, had holes in but I was going to retire it or even take it off. August 27th 2011 the cape fell without my wanting it to and I tried to take my life.  The cape and I ran out of answers. I looked at and wanted to put it back on but didn’t know how to tie it around my neck anymore. Who was I , I had no identity, my cape was destroyed but I didn’t know what to do without it.

The closer I’ve got to God I realize he’s my cape. I thought for the longest time he was my Kryptonite but I was so wrong. The problem is sometimes the 6-year-old boy comes out in me and I put on a cape. I try to rescue everything again, I want to save everything. I put everyone’s burden on me and then I trip over the cape.

I hope you get the story: I know to many people who wear capes everyday. Its tiring, it hurts and it makes life miserable. We weren’t meant to wear a cape, that’s for comic book hero’s.  Untie your cape, wash it, and put it in a nice box and store it. You don’t have to be Superman there’s  one superman and he will carry our cape.

No matter how strong you are it’s better to read about superman that carrying the burden of trying to be. This Halloween go as  adult superman and put on that cape enjoy it but then take it off and realize those days of pretending are over. Its time to live again.





Day 1071 My mom’s Eulogy

4 01 2016

Thank you so much for the outpouring of support for my family. I had no idea what a whirlwind was until now.  On Saturday we buried my beautiful mother. The ceremony was amazing, beautiful and I believe it’s exactly what my mom would have wanted. One of my closet Brian Hackney officiated along with myself. My amazing daughter also got up and through her tears read her amazing thoughts. I was so proud of her and her courage when she was so scared. Then my sister found the courage to speak. I honestly thought she wouldn’t be able to but man she did such an amazing job and spoke so much of her heart. I then got my opportunity and I took a deep breath and choked back tears then started and that’s all I can remember. I wish I could tell you more or I was lying to you but I honestly can’t remember anything. I know God took  over because I was so worried about not being able to honor my mother and I’m always so hard on myself it’s probably better that way.

When I sat down and Brian closed you with an amazing message I told myself what happened. I had a few more tears then it was time to be strong again. I felt so disappointed in myself for not knowing how I did. Then people started telling many so many things about how great it was. I’ve received messages since Saturday and they were so touching. I’m not telling you this so I can look at me but to show you another example in the midst of so much pain and loss God is and was there. One of my  dear friends sent this to me today and I thought  I would share. It made my heart feel good and she would have been honest with me good or bad but maybe in my healing I needed to hear this:

First of all, I thought your choice of Brian to officiate was excellent.  He brought in a very real and relatable message that is sometimes missing at funerals.  I loved how he spoke, but didn’t preach.  I thought the message of grieving and being supportive of the family was just perfect.
Now to you…  I have never heard a better remembrance than the one you gave of your mom.  I am in awe of how you were able to speak in the first place, but even on top of that, your words and stories brought a mix of grief, humor, and love that created a powerful testimony to who she was and also to who you are.
Though I have thought it before and said it before, you have such a gift of speaking.  And to be able to represent that gift in your own Mom’s funeral testifies to your gift.  I have never seen you speak in person before; I was absolutely moved by the presence you project.  I can only imagine how that presence comes out when you are in a different setting.  I think perhaps when your mom saw you speak and give your testimony, she was moved by your natural gitftedness as much as your story.  God has plans for you Tyler… big plans.  There is something so special and inspiring in your voice, your manner, and your story.
Believe in yourself.  You are well worth believing in!
As I blog to heal and get my thoughts down so I can go back and read them so I can see where I was. I also hope that  they help you and  someone else. The emptiness is something I never felt, I feel like a ghost just floating alone, hoping I could call my mom or she’s going to call me but realizing that shes not. I love you all so much and pray that this new journey is one you will walk with me.




Day 1067 My mom died yesterday

30 12 2015

We all know life can change in an instance and yesterday it did. My sister called me yesterday at 9:25 am hysterical and in between her tears she said mom is dead. I knew that it was not a joke of any sort. I asked her to calm down and she said the paramedics said she had been dead about 6 hours. The same way she fell asleep is the same way she died. She most likely died of a heart attack or blood clot. To say that sitting here in totally shock and numbness would be under statement. With my father I knew it was coming I got to say goodbye but not this time. I told my mom when she got home from work on Monday I loved her. I had no regrets with my mom. Dying peacefully is a great point but my only one now.

God didn’t ask me! People say when God is ready he will take them and that he did but my sister, our kids and I weren’t ready. How do you go from on a Monday shes still here then Tuesday shes not. I wish I could tell you I was mad, or confused but Im not. Ive cried a a lot in spurts. I lost it today when we picked the casket. We went through pictures at the funeral home, we gave her final clothes and I signed all the documents and sit in awe that it was over.

I know a lot of people have lost their parents and now I can sympathize with them but being 40 years old and filling like an orphan sucks. We do visitation Friday night and the service Saturday Im speaking about my mom at the service, I cant do justice to the women. She was truly the most amazing women I have ever known.

With my relationship with God being closer I get to put myself to work to make sure. As God and I go through the roller coaster I promise to continue to be vulnerable, honest and open as another journey starts for me. Please continue to read and encourage whenever you can.

Thank you so much for the people who have reached out, with so many great words, support, and love. If you pray we could use it now. If you don’t I’ll take a high five. Here’s to another unexpected journey! Love ya

 





Day 613 STOP CHEATING NOW

30 09 2014

After always trying to make people laugh I will try again. What kind of roads do ghosts hunt? Dead Ends. Thats funny I don’t care who you are. Are you aware that tomorrow is the greatest month on the calendar. You know why because my mom and I were born in October. I know you understand now.

Besides the death of significant other there is nothing more painful than cheating. I would argue that cheating is worse because there is never an end to the thoughts of why. The pain runs deep and you can never say anything that makes it better. You fall in love with who you think will be your everything, you will be together forever, and you never think that this person that stood with you and said they wanted to be with you forever can just leave you and not really have an other emotion or word than I’m sorry!

There is nothing you can say or do to fix it. Whats done is done. There is not any way you can explain it away. You can’t tell your kids when there older this is why I did it. Your reasons suck because it’s this simple. I don’t love you anymore and if we stay together I don’t trust myself to not do something stupid. Why do people think that if I never say anything I will get away with it. You will get caught and after you get caught the damage is so much worse than just standing up and being real at the beginning. If you have been cheated on you know the pain and if you were the cheater then you have no idea what you have done to the other person and kids if you have them. I have heard but I did itt because blah blah this and blah blah that. My questions to them was if they did and said that to you would you except that. Nobody has ever said yes that acceptable.

I want you to forgive the cheater and make it work, but I understand that many times that’s a fairy tail. The guilt, the I don’t give a shit, or just the pain of someones past, keeps them from making it better. This is a hot button for me because three people dumped on me yesterday. One who was cheated on, two that did the cheating. The two that did the cheating asked me in June and July to help them, give them advice. I did and I said if you get alone with this person you will fall. So yesterday both of them came to me and said I messed up bad. How do I fix it. One of them a lady asked me to come sit with her when she tells her husband. I almost laughed that she would drag me into it. I understand the other person is at fault for not fulfilling your needs and is flawed but THERE IS NEVER A REASON TO CHEAT.

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence is the dumbest thing ever said. If you would stop looking over there and water your own grass its pretty damn green on your side too. See what the cheater doesn’t understand while your cheating is the following: The other person that is “so great” is flawed, your only seeing their best side, you don’t know how loud they snore, their nasty habits, why their cheating with you, their anger, their past, family. All you get is the lies and the stories they want you to hear. the divorce rate for second marriage is 87% good lord wake up and realize that it’s just not worth it.  I know their there are many reason to divorce but to cheat never. You’re a coward and its all comes back and bites you in the ass later so your playing roulette and you will lose.

If you’re seeing that person at work,  gym, church (yes church), starbucks and you start having that person telling you what you want to hear and you’re doing the same to them. get up and cut it off now. If you are cheating STOP NOW! Go fess up and deal with the broken crashed life that is coming but do it because remember you used to love that person and release both of you from  your hell. Or fess up and get on your knees and beg for forgiveness and get yourself some help and pray to God that the person takes your sorry butt back. I have seen relationships heal. It can and will happen but only by Gods grace. Rant is over !!!!





Day 613 STOP CHEATING NOW

30 09 2014

After always trying to make people laugh I will try again. What kind of roads do ghosts hunt? Dead Ends. Thats funny I don’t care who you are. Are you aware that tomorrow is the greatest month on the calendar. You know why because my mom and I were born in October. I know you understand now.

Besides the death of significant other there is nothing more painful than cheating. I would argue that cheating is worse because there is never an end to the thoughts of why. The pain runs deep and you can never say anything that makes it better. You fall in love with who you think will be your everything, you will be together forever, and you never think that this person that stood with you and said they wanted to be with you forever can just leave you and not really have an other emotion or word than I’m sorry!

There is nothing you can say or do to fix it. Whats done is done. There is not any way you can explain it away. You can’t tell your kids when there older this is why I did it. Your reasons suck because it’s this simple. I don’t love you anymore and if we stay together I don’t trust myself to not do something stupid. Why do people think that if I never say anything I will get away with it. You will get caught and after you get caught the damage is so much worse than just standing up and being real at the beginning. If you have been cheated on you know the pain and if you were the cheater then you have no idea what you have done to the other person and kids if you have them. I have heard but I did itt because blah blah this and blah blah that. My questions to them was if they did and said that to you would you except that. Nobody has ever said yes that acceptable.

I want you to forgive the cheater and make it work, but I understand that many times that’s a fairy tail. The guilt, the I don’t give a shit, or just the pain of someones past, keeps them from making it better. This is a hot button for me because three people dumped on me yesterday. One who was cheated on, two that did the cheating. The two that did the cheating asked me in June and July to help them, give them advice. I did and I said if you get alone with this person you will fall. So yesterday both of them came to me and said I messed up bad. How do I fix it. One of them a lady asked me to come sit with her when she tells her husband. I almost laughed that she would drag me into it. I understand the other person is at fault for not fulfilling your needs and is flawed but THERE IS NEVER A REASON TO CHEAT.

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence is the dumbest thing ever said. If you would stop looking over there and water your own grass its pretty damn green on your side too. See what the cheater doesn’t understand while your cheating is the following: The other person that is “so great” is flawed, your only seeing their best side, you don’t know how loud they snore, their nasty habits, why their cheating with you, their anger, their past, family. All you get is the lies and the stories they want you to hear. the divorce rate for second marriage is 87% good lord wake up and realize that it’s just not worth it.  I know their there are many reason to divorce but to cheat never. You’re a coward and its all comes back and bites you in the ass later so your playing roulette and you will lose.

If you’re seeing that person at work,  gym, church (yes church), starbucks and you start having that person telling you what you want to hear and you’re doing the same to them. get up and cut it off now. If you are cheating STOP NOW! Go fess up and deal with the broken crashed life that is coming but do it because remember you used to love that person and release both of you from  your hell. Or fess up and get on your knees and beg for forgiveness and get yourself some help and pray to God that the person takes your sorry butt back. I have seen relationships heal. It can and will happen but only by Gods grace. Rant is over !!!!

 





Day 586 Your an asshole

4 09 2014

I sometimes wonder if the holiday work week is worth it. People seemed more rushed, in a worse mood, and I believe less productive.  It’s almost the weekend so I’ll shut up but think about it.

If you have never lost a parent no matter whatever the relationship  its a very delicate and different feeling to ever explain. This week my heart and mind has been with my dad. He’s  been gone 9.5 years and I’m not sure what trigger my thoughts but they have been deep. You can try to hide them but sometimes even when you thought they were dealt with they come back and remind you. I know my dad loved me and was proud of me. He had his own demons that he never dealt with. I found out about them 6 months before he died and it took me 7 years later to understand them. My dad became disabled when I was in the 8th grade and  believe that’s w hen he stopped communicating any thing about himself to me. Sure I saw it and heard  but I never understood it. He sprayed paint chemicals at the Nuclear power plant for over 18 years without protective equipment. When he became disabled  the Dr’s told us what was going to happen to him which include: loss of muscle use, losing sight, loss of faculties, couldn’t walk etc.. All of those things did happen and I got to see my father literally rot away. He loss all sense of being a human by the end and there was no semblance of a man.  During those times I was so pissed at him because he left me to be the man. Your right I was the man or so I thought.  I went on being the man and slowly chipping people out of my life, being angry,  riding an emotional roller coaster  because all I wanted to know who was this man who sat on the side of the bed spitting of pieces of his lungs and why won’t he let me know who he is. I had heard storied about a man I had never met, Great dresser, amazing athlete, amazing card player, musician, artist and all I got was this broken down man.

Fast forward: 6 months before he died he knew it like we all did and something happens to a dying person where they spill their guts. My dad apologized to us all. He told my mom the things she deserved to hear their whole marriage. He told my sister who he wanted to be and how he failed her. Then there was me. I would sit in his hospital room for a few hours at a time and at first it was generic talk but I remember the first real thing he said to me. Son I was a bad example for a father. He probably talked for 10 minutes as I drifted into all of the examples I was about to give why he was right, but I didn’t. I just listened! The next time I saw I was so pissed that he had waited all of the years he had to tell me that when I saw him again the only thing I could muster to say was you’re an asshole. I explained why and I poured out  a bit of me on him. That moment that we shared allowed us to empty our years of pride, anger, sadness, happy thoughts, my fears, what he expected of me as a man and protector for the family. I remember them all but never processed them until my 3rd ever counseling appt. 7 years later. I had held on to it all good, bad, and terrible.  AT the same time i was going through martial hell I decided to beat an oak tree in my front yard and pretend it was my dad.  Lots of anger and he wasn’t here to get ” what he deserved”. December 7 2011 was a day that I will always remember because I believed in God again. I was able to go to my dads grave and forgive him. I also asked him to forgive me. I haven’t been the same since.

When I think of my dad this week. It isn’t the bad. Its I got to spend the last 6 months knowing a man I always wanted to. Sure it wasn’t perfect but I’m so appreciative of that time. i wish I was in a different place at that time to accept it while he was here to tell him thank you and give him a hug one more time. The last month he was on morphine and when we saw him he wasn’t there mentally. The Friday before he died we had family come into town and we had brought him home so he could die at home and I did what I should have and went down there knowing I wouldn’t see ” my dad” but  it was the best thing that ever happened between us. It was like he found the strength to talk to me with out the effects of medicine and the last thing he ever told me was  that he made so many mistakes but when he closes his eyes for the last time that he wished that he was half the man I was, and  the greatest gift God gave him was the chance to be my father. So I take that and hold onto those words.

Just my thoughts for the week. Thanks for reading as always.





Day 586 Your an asshole

3 09 2014

I sometimes wonder if the holiday work week is worth it. People seemed more rushed, in a worse mood, and I believe less productive.  It’s almost the weekend so I’ll shut up but think about it.

If you have never lost a parent no matter whatever the relationship  its a very delicate and different feeling to ever explain. This week my heart and mind has been with my dad. He’s  been gone 9.5 years and I’m not sure what trigger my thoughts but they have been deep. You can try to hide them but sometimes even when you thought they were dealt with they come back and remind you. I know my dad loved me and was proud of me. He had his own demons that he never dealt with. I found out about them 6 months before he died and it took me 7 years later to understand them. My dad became disabled when I was in the 8th grade and  believe that’s w hen he stopped communicating any thing about himself to me. Sure I saw it and heard  but I never understood it. He sprayed paint chemicals at the Nuclear power plant for over 18 years without protective equipment. When he became disabled  the Dr’s told us what was going to happen to him which include: loss of muscle use, losing sight, loss of faculties, couldn’t walk etc.. All of those things did happen and I got to see my father literally rot away. He loss all sense of being a human by the end and there was no semblance of a man.  During those times I was so pissed at him because he left me to be the man. Your right I was the man or so I thought.  I went on being the man and slowly chipping people out of my life, being angry,  riding an emotional roller coaster  because all I wanted to know who was this man who sat on the side of the bed spitting of pieces of his lungs and why won’t he let me know who he is. I had heard storied about a man I had never met, Great dresser, amazing athlete, amazing card player, musician, artist and all I got was this broken down man.

Fast forward: 6 months before he died he knew it like we all did and something happens to a dying person where they spill their guts. My dad apologized to us all. He told my mom the things she deserved to hear their whole marriage. He told my sister who he wanted to be and how he failed her. Then there was me. I would sit in his hospital room for a few hours at a time and at first it was generic talk but I remember the first real thing he said to me. Son I was a bad example for a father. He probably talked for 10 minutes as I drifted into all of the examples I was about to give why he was right, but I didn’t. I just listened! The next time I saw I was so pissed that he had waited all of the years he had to tell me that when I saw him again the only thing I could muster to say was you’re an asshole. I explained why and I poured out  a bit of me on him. That moment that we shared allowed us to empty our years of pride, anger, sadness, happy thoughts, my fears, what he expected of me as a man and protector for the family. I remember them all but never processed them until my 3rd ever counseling appt. 7 years later. I had held on to it all good, bad, and terrible.  AT the same time i was going through martial hell I decided to beat an oak tree in my front yard and pretend it was my dad.  Lots of anger and he wasn’t here to get ” what he deserved”. December 7 2011 was a day that I will always remember because I believed in God again. I was able to go to my dads grave and forgive him. I also asked him to forgive me. I haven’t been the same since.

When I think of my dad this week. It isn’t the bad. Its I got to spend the last 6 months knowing a man I always wanted to. Sure it wasn’t perfect but I’m so appreciative of that time. i wish I was in a different place at that time to accept it while he was here to tell him thank you and give him a hug one more time. The last month he was on morphine and when we saw him he wasn’t there mentally. The Friday before he died we had family come into town and we had brought him home so he could die at home and I did what I should have and went down there knowing I wouldn’t see ” my dad” but  it was the best thing that ever happened between us. It was like he found the strength to talk to me with out the effects of medicine and the last thing he ever told me was  that he made so many mistakes but when he closes his eyes for the last time that he wished that he was half the man I was, and  the greatest gift God gave him was the chance to be my father. So I take that and hold onto those words.

Just my thoughts for the week. Thanks for reading as always.








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