Day 1581 Really dad 12 years

3 07 2017

I’m not sure if I get older its getting hotter or Im a wuss.If you listen closely you can hear my bald sizzle. I like the sound of sizzling just not my head but its July in Texas so I’ll shut up and just smell like cooked bacon. I had a friend message me on Facebook Friday and say that the equator must be close because he literally caught himself catch on fire. Happy early 4th of July I hope you’re getting a chance to spend time with family and laugh. Please laugh it helps cure a lot of ailments.

Today would be my dads 79th birthday. He really would be an old man today He’s also been gone for 12 years. I remember the length of time more on his birthdays than his death day just because its easier to remember his birthday. If you  know my story you know my dad I weren’t on the same page. Many days I hated him, no matter what I loved him but he let me down everyday. So I type this for my healing. The memories never end so just to let go of what I think about here I go

He was disabled and let me become the man of the family. It was a badge I wore with pride but a badge that was too much for me to carry. It taught me that it was never okay to fail, that perfection is all that mattered, that its okay to put the world on my shoulders because I can handle it, never look weak, oh and never take care of yourself because to many people are counting on you. So I lived that way everyday. Problem is all the above things are garbage and when I did do them I had no man to count on so I held it in, or I fought it out or had sex with a girl that I didn’t care about so for 5 minutes I could feel normal. Truthfully all it did was make me bitter, guilty, broken, and full of hate. I could fake it good, manipulate a situation or bully my way to what I wanted remember, I was the man at 10.

So I carry this burden and lie of who I was with me for 36 years. I blamed him for everything. For 7 of those years he was dead and 6 feet under but it was still his fault I was failing, I mean I was the man it couldn’t be me. I remember walking pass his room to my room or coming home to see my parents. There he was sitting on the side of the bed with his head down. I was like you SOB get up help me (only in my mind) . You left me on this island alone and I’m sinking. F it. I’ll just do it myself and the rage continued….

Not to bore you while you’re  reading I’ll  move on. August 27th of 2011 all my failures, never knowing I was enough, feeling like I failed at everything I touched I attempted to kill myself. It was the first day in my life I heard God speak to me, God wasn’t ready for me to die. He knew that I hated him because I looked at God like I looked my dad you were just sitting there watching me drown so FU God I got this. He knew I needed the fatherly love that was missing so he trusted me with another chance.

December 7th of 2011 my life changed forever. I had been in counseling for 3 months and been preaching to about forgiveness. Not sure why this day but I drove an 1.5 to my hometown on a nasty day, Full of sleet, muddy ground a bone chilling wind. I got out of my truck and hit my knees and asked the man in the ground to forgive me and I loved him and would he please forgive me. I looked over my right shoulder to see who was pull on my shoulder.. nobody was there except 36 years of bullshit I carried now was gone.

Since that day I’ve come to love my dad, know he did the best with what he was taught, that he loved me with everything that he was capable of. That day taught me to love others, no matter what they do to me. It also taught me how to be a dad. To show up, to give my kids time, and never let one day go by without letting them know I love them and they are enough.

So today happy 79th birthday Ewing Jay Wood. From one proud son to have a father like you. I hope you’re playing music , making people laugh, dancing and loving the best mother that we could have been blessed with. Eat that rib-eye that you waited on every year I love you daddy.

 





Day 933 You only live once

17 08 2015

Good morning from San Francisco CA. Going from 100 to 73 degrees is a great reprieve . My buddy Jim and I on a whim decided we want to see some baseball and just picked San Francisco a couple of weeks ago. I missed my first event with Rock Bottom Outreach since I became a part which really bothered me but after talking to me peeps and looking at pictures it was another amazing event.  We went to the game last night and it was the Giants and Nationals. Giants won 12-6 It was the coolest sports experience of my life and I mean that. The atmosphere was electric, everybody was decked out in gear even babies, the food was amazing, theirs not a bad seat in the stadium. The stadium sits right on the pacific ocean its breath-taking to leave your seats and oh look the ocean. San Francisco was in a heat wave yesterday it reached 84 degrees, but the sun goes down and in the middle of the game its 65 with the ocean breeze. I never knew this but everyone was friendly and seemed genuinely happy. Jim and I both are very outgoing and everyone we struck up conversations with spoke back or joked back.

Every year in January we have new years resolutions. I make goals no more than three and really strive to make them work. On the 28th of December another friend Jason got in my grill a bit about living my life. He said I know you have always been guilty about buying yourself things and doing things for yourself but you have to stop. you have paid your penance to life, your friends and family. Who you were and where you were is no more its time to do for you. I really struggled with this a lot. If I do or get anything for myself I feel real guilt. I feel I’m taking from my kids or somebody else I could help. I really went to God and Brian in my counseling sessions about this. All I heard over and over is that I did not make this world for you not to experience it. There are so many beautiful things in my own backyard that I hadn’t done. If I was free spending money and not taking care of responsibilities that’s one thing but I’m not. I truly believe that God did not make us to wake up at 5am to go to work to get home and at night go to bed at 10 and do it all over again and not live any life. Routine is a life killer, and that has been proven time and time again. Living life is giving back to others, experiencing mountains, a beach, or just the open road. I have 4 friends that today have never seen a beach and for me that’s sad. God made beautiful things not only just because but that’s what life is about is experiences and memories. I have done some really cool servant work, seen some great concerts, went to some cool hole in the wall places, drove on the open road and in all of that God seemed more alive and well in me than when I’m just in my normal routine.

My favorite line from my favorite movie is from Shawshank Redemption, Get busy living or get busy dying! Im learning to live I’m not great at it but I’m trying. One day I will have someone to share that with me and that’s just the next piece of the puzzle. Until then were going to see Alcatraz which is ironic because a few times in my life I thought man I might be in their if my anger doesn’t change. Lucky for  me Alcatraz is closed and so it that part of my life.





Day 933 You only live once

16 08 2015

Good morning from San Francisco CA. Going from 100 to 73 degrees is a great reprieve . My buddy Jim and I on a whim decided we want to see some baseball and just picked San Francisco a couple of weeks ago. I missed my first event with Rock Bottom Outreach since I became a part which really bothered me but after talking to me peeps and looking at pictures it was another amazing event.  We went to the game last night and it was the Giants and Nationals. Giants won 12-6 It was the coolest sports experience of my life and I mean that. The atmosphere was electric, everybody was decked out in gear even babies, the food was amazing, theirs not a bad seat in the stadium. The stadium sits right on the pacific ocean its breath-taking to leave your seats and oh look the ocean. San Francisco was in a heat wave yesterday it reached 84 degrees, but the sun goes down and in the middle of the game its 65 with the ocean breeze. I never knew this but everyone was friendly and seemed genuinely happy. Jim and I both are very outgoing and everyone we struck up conversations with spoke back or joked back.

Every year in January we have new years resolutions. I make goals no more than three and really strive to make them work. On the 28th of December another friend Jason got in my grill a bit about living my life. He said I know you have always been guilty about buying yourself things and doing things for yourself but you have to stop. you have paid your penance to life, your friends and family. Who you were and where you were is no more its time to do for you. I really struggled with this a lot. If I do or get anything for myself I feel real guilt. I feel I’m taking from my kids or somebody else I could help. I really went to God and Brian in my counseling sessions about this. All I heard over and over is that I did not make this world for you not to experience it. There are so many beautiful things in my own backyard that I hadn’t done. If I was free spending money and not taking care of responsibilities that’s one thing but I’m not. I truly believe that God did not make us to wake up at 5am to go to work to get home and at night go to bed at 10 and do it all over again and not live any life. Routine is a life killer, and that has been proven time and time again. Living life is giving back to others, experiencing mountains, a beach, or just the open road. I have 4 friends that today have never seen a beach and for me that’s sad. God made beautiful things not only just because but that’s what life is about is experiences and memories. I have done some really cool servant work, seen some great concerts, went to some cool hole in the wall places, drove on the open road and in all of that God seemed more alive and well in me than when I’m just in my normal routine.

My favorite line from my favorite movie is from Shawshank Redemption, Get busy living or get busy dying! Im learning to live I’m not great at it but I’m trying. One day I will have someone to share that with me and that’s just the next piece of the puzzle. Until then were going to see Alcatraz which is ironic because a few times in my life I thought man I might be in their if my anger doesn’t change. Lucky for  me Alcatraz is closed and so it that part of my life.





Day 807 There will always be a consequence

12 04 2015

Baseball is here! Opening day for the Texas Rangers and almost everyone is hurt already and my son’s team is 3-0.  It’s so cool to watch little kids grow in such a short amount of time. Listening to them encourage and at the same time knock each other around is so cool. I miss those days but at least I get to watch it now. Denton Texas has a lot of great outside venues and a  lot of places you can’t smoke which I enjoy. I will say this I would smell cigarette smoke over the guy or girl who crop dusts people with the most fowl odor. Remember spreading toxic fumes is a crime  or I think if not it should be. This is your friendly PSA Public Service Announcement.

One lesson I’m teaching my babies is that there is a consequence for EVERYTHING we do. If you’re doing good, good will come back in many ways. It may not come back to you today or tomorrow but it will. We don’t do good to get it back but when you need it the most it will come in. It makes God happy when we give from a grateful willing heart.

I want to make sure that I believe God doesn’t punish us. He does give s free will which I think sometimes is punishment enough but no matter what everything in life will have a consequence. Some call it karma, life, or what goes around comes around. The past month  things I did 20’s and yes 30 years ago are coming back around to me now. I know Im forgiven there is no doubt but you don’t do some of the things I did or we all do and think we get off scott free. Many of the fights I participated in my body and especially my hands don’t function the way they should, I had 9 known concussions that were diagnosed and countless others that were not. Since I was trying to show my manhood, be tough etc.. I get foggy ad lost sometimes. Yes it could be old age but it’s also the absolutely beating I took in sports and fighting. Sure I have great stories and lots of memories but they are catching up. The way I treated people not only in just dealing s but sexually have caught up to me. When I have been treated a certain way I’m like I can’t believe they did that to me but then I remember oh yeah you weren’t always the best either.

The alcoholic that drank himself  to sleep every night for 20 years liver is failing. Yes it is and it doesn’t matter what you have changed in your life, what you cleaned up or what has been forgiven it always comes time to pay the piper. The drug user that got high all the time and now they can’t function, the cheater that cheats and now they slept with a good guy and now they have something. I could go on and on. This is my belief that no matter what the decision we made and make will have a consequence. Yes God can stop some it but you can’t do bad things your whole life and get nothing in return. I still never regret my life but I do wish I didn’t hurt some people who I did. If I could the feelings they had towards me I would, or the things my kids heard during their mom  and I’s fights i would.

So the good news is God is a great redeemer!! When your past catches up to your body, your heart and mind don’t be mad or astonished that it’s happening. Use it as a learning tool so we can teach those around us young and old that there is always a consequence good or bad. make sure to tell them the good too. Out of all the rock bottom I can stand in front of 1 or 1000 and tell them through my bad choices there came great from it but man does it hurt not only physically but mentally. The best vase is a shattered vase when glued back together because the sunlight has so many more places to shine through





Day 706 I got my watch back

3 01 2015

Happy New Year. I would write about resolutions and other New Years crap but you already know what to do. Here’s a big tip. You never have to diet if you’re not putting bad food in you. TaDa I saved you a lot of time.

This may seem like a dumb blog to a lot of you but I got my watch back. We had two Weddings. On JP wedding and then the big one $$$ in July 2000. We bought each other some very nice gifts for a wedding. I got a Tag Hauer watch see below:

tag

I’m sure you like okay and so what. I wore the watch and loved it for 12 years. In 2012 I broke a link in it and I sat it aside. Why did I do that because it came from her my Ex. I wanted nothing to do with it because it came from her. I had rid myself of almost everything that she and I shared together, had or was given to me. In a night of drunken and I mean drunken stupidity I burned poems, songs, pictures anything I could have that belonged to “US”I was like I’ll show you. I wish who I was trying to show because I burned a lot of things that were special and I created.  The watch I missed wearing but I put it in my box of life and honestly I forgot about it. After thanksgiving I was looking for a picture to show my daughter and I’ll be damned there was ” The Watch”. I picked it up and saw the broken link and said I guess its time. I took it to my jeweler and had it repaired.  Time for what? Time to continue the forgiveness process. I picked up my watch this past Tuesday and I swear it was like a Hollywood moment where I had flashbacks of the past 16 years when I slid it on my wrist.  I smiled as I latched it back on my wrist. I m sure I had the weirdest smile on my face. For the first time since I had owned that watch i was appreciative of it and the memories (all the memories) that came with it. The anger and hate were gone and I was more appreciative of my relationship with my ex and what the watch meant when it was given.

If you’ve never been married on been in a long-term relationship you wont get what I felt. Honestly you need to feel “the Watch” so you can understand. Life is about rising from the ashes, making bad memories good  and seeing things the way they should be. Showing appreciation for things you never thought you could. Divorce is a one painful event. I can honestly say the last two years I have grown more than I ever thought I could or wanted. The watch was a reminder and one place I never thought I would find a sense of peace. You maybe thinking I will never be where you’re at . I hate him or her and what they did. Forgiveness is the most amazing gift you can give yourself. Not because you have to but because life is worth it. When you see me and my watch on my arm just smile and know it’s a sign of forgiveness and I needed that.





Day 706 I got my watch back

2 01 2015

Happy New Year. I would write about resolutions and other New Years crap but you already know what to do. Here’s a big tip. You never have to diet if you’re not putting bad food in you. TaDa I saved you a lot of time.

This may seem like a dumb blog to a lot of you but I got my watch back. We had two Weddings. On JP wedding and then the big one $$$ in July 2000. We bought each other some very nice gifts for a wedding. I got a Tag Hauer watch see below:

tag

 

I’m sure you like okay and so what. I wore the watch and loved it for 12 years. In 2012 I broke a link in it and I sat it aside. Why did I do that because it came from her my Ex. I wanted nothing to do with it because it came from her. I had rid myself of almost everything that she and I shared together, had or was given to me. In a night of drunken and I mean drunken stupidity I burned poems, songs, pictures anything I could have that belonged to “US”I was like I’ll show you. I wish who I was trying to show because I burned a lot of things that were special and I created.  The watch I missed wearing but I put it in my box of life and honestly I forgot about it. After thanksgiving I was looking for a picture to show my daughter and I’ll be damned there was ” The Watch”. I picked it up and saw the broken link and said I guess its time. I took it to my jeweler and had it repaired.  Time for what? Time to continue the forgiveness process. I picked up my watch this past Tuesday and I swear it was like a Hollywood moment where I had flashbacks of the past 16 years when I slid it on my wrist.  I smiled as I latched it back on my wrist. I m sure I had the weirdest smile on my face. For the first time since I had owned that watch i was appreciative of it and the memories (all the memories) that came with it. The anger and hate were gone and I was more appreciative of my relationship with my ex and what the watch meant when it was given.

If you’ve never been married on been in a long-term relationship you wont get what I felt. Honestly you need to feel “the Watch” so you can understand. Life is about rising from the ashes, making bad memories good  and seeing things the way they should be. Showing appreciation for things you never thought you could. Divorce is a one painful event. I can honestly say the last two years I have grown more than I ever thought I could or wanted. The watch was a reminder and one place I never thought I would find a sense of peace. You maybe thinking I will never be where you’re at . I hate him or her and what they did. Forgiveness is the most amazing gift you can give yourself. Not because you have to but because life is worth it. When you see me and my watch on my arm just smile and know it’s a sign of forgiveness and I needed that.





Day 672 Why the holidays are so hard

30 11 2014

I’m part of one amazing organization. Rock Bottom Outreach does so much for each one of us but we give back to our community is amazing. We did a Coat drive for children  called Coats for Kids and the goal was 2000 coats. We got 2190 what an effort and I’m so thankful to be a part of the selfless group of people.

The holidays one of the best times of year. There are so many good things that happen this time of year. Concentration on Jesus, Friends, family, giving, the weather, people, special moments that don’t just happen throughout the year. The holidays are geared to happiness, relationships and everything good in the world. While that is so true and I’m glad it is let’s get real. The is the toughest part of the year for many people. December and July are the two highest rates of suicide. If your single or married it doesn’t matter. If this doesn’t pertain to you then stop reading but this is real. This time of year brings back traditions, nostalgia, lots of hurt, pain, death. If were missing, a parent, or so glad that there gone, somebody we loved died, relationships that ended, you’re in a horrible marriage and you can’t fake your way through it, Your kids are grown and gone, you can’t go home, money is short, people are sick, your sick, it’s the end of another year and nothing has changed in your life, you hate Santa. If you single your might have lost custody of your children, you don’t have children yet and you want them so bad, this time of year brings back memories good and bad of failed relationships, everything is geared for family and love. People hate to be alone during this time of year more than any. You can be alone in a relationship as well. Movies stir more emotions than normal.  I know for me tonight I decorated my place by myself. I would loved to have my kids with me but it will be ready when they get here. I would love to walk the stores/mall hand in hand with someone laugh at all the idiots and smiling just sharing and making memories. It reminds so much of my dad and how much he loved us coming home. My mom making miracles happening with nothing because of what life had dealt us. This year my kids wake up Christmas morning with their mom and I’m sorry its just not the same without them here.

So why share all of this. People isolate this time of year. Please reach out to them. There are so many good things about this time of year that we forget because we feel sorry for ourselves. This is the season of love for a reason. Insist on people coming with you,, keep checking on people if yo get that gut feeling. Most people are very private and would never tell you what their feeling and thinking. I promise it’s a tough time of year lets share our blessings and then they get passed on.








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