Day 824 This is what its like when someone understands you

30 04 2015

Howdy yall! I just wanted to sound like a Texan for a minute. The sun is shining and almost every lake around us is full of water which hasn’t been that way for 5 years. They are lifting water restrictions so most people are ready for the heat. I am, except the top of my head which is ready to burn and smell liked cooked bacon. Stayed tuned for further burning head debates.

I have some of the best friends,. They’re real and everyone is different but everyone  is needed to make my life where it is today. This person has been my friend for 25 years now. We took  a different path to become friends but have been able to talk about any and everything even with a 10 years of not talking much.

I don’t know anybody that wouldn’t want someone who at least trys to understand them. Sometimes they get you and sometimes even if they don’t they try really hard well this person below is that person for me. I’ve been searching for 7 weeks for the words to explain to the people who love me and you my blog reader where I am at. I saw this person Saturday spent about two hours talking and I received this last night. All I could say is wow and I teared up because they hit it on the head and said everything I couldn’t. If you want to know what its like to have someone understand you here it is for me.

New Living Translation Ecclesiastes 1:18
The greater my wisdom, the greater my grief. To increase knowledge only increases sorrow.
You are such a great speaker and dynamic and winsome that it is so easy to see you and see your facade.  Not that it is all a facade, but a facade in that you KNOW life.  You are not swayed by life’s antics and you are not faked out by what the world has to offer or what the world is promoting at the moment.  But in that, you are (in my opinion) striving to reach something different.  And in that you find discontentment in the gap between your knowledge and your desires.  Being unwilling to settle leaves you as a constant sojourner.  I think your soul is weary.  Very weary.  How else could a soul so full of vitality not be able to come up with any dreams except that it is burdened beyond capacity by the dreams themselves.  You do have dreams.  You have many, but you can’t name them.  I think you can’t name them because they are buried under the rubble of your tiredness of trying to live life to the fullest.
For days I have wanted to have a thought they made sense to me about your current “state”.  I was focusing on the fact that you can’t name a dream, but this morning I heard a sermon on Psalm 23 and it hit me!  It is not that you can’t dream, it is that you are so weary.  The man who wants to bridge the gap between this dreadful world and the world that Jesus promises.  The man who stands strong for his family, gives his heart to others, speaks to share his story, donates of his time and resources, reads, studies, prays, works, searches for love, searches for a career, carries a financial burden, carries the wreckage of his divorce,  wants a better life for his kids, wants to be there for his sister, nephew, and mom, the man who would give of his last breath is completely breathless.
So what do weary people need?  They need rest and reprieve.  I looked up Psalm 23 in several translations until I found this…
The Living Bible
2-3 He lets me rest in the meadow grass and leads me beside the quiet streams. He gives me new strength.
The Message Bible   True to your word,
you let me catch my breath
and send me in the right direction.
The Amplified Bible
2 He makes me lie down in [fresh, tender] green pastures; He leads me beside the still and restful waters.
3 He refreshes and restores my life (my self);
What if you forgot all the other promises of God and just meditated on this?  What if you let go of striving and just focused on breathing?  Maybe for a week?  It is hard to not feel the burden of your knowledge. I am not suggesting it is easy, but I feel you are drowning in such a way that you don’t even realize the depth of your breathlessness.
I don’t know the answer for you, but I want you to take in a deep breathe and just let go.  Stop reading and thinking and contemplating and striving and trying to reach others.  Just breathe…
This is my prayer for you until I get something new.  I love you too much to let you wither.  =)
That my friends is what a friend is. This took time and concern. You know who you are and for that I can’t thank you enough….. For those that care now you know where my mind is, now time to find that restful spot.

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Day 824 This is what its like when someone understands you

29 04 2015

Howdy yall! I just wanted to sound like a Texan for a minute. The sun is shining and almost every lake around us is full of water which hasn’t been that way for 5 years. They are lifting water restrictions so most people are ready for the heat. I am, except the top of my head which is ready to burn and smell liked cooked bacon. Stayed tuned for further burning head debates.

I have some of the best friends,. They’re real and everyone is different but everyone  is needed to make my life where it is today. This person has been my friend for 25 years now. We took  a different path to become friends but have been able to talk about any and everything even with a 10 years of not talking much.

I don’t know anybody that wouldn’t want someone who at least trys to understand them. Sometimes they get you and sometimes even if they don’t they try really hard well this person below is that person for me. I’ve been searching for 7 weeks for the words to explain to the people who love me and you my blog reader where I am at. I saw this person Saturday spent about two hours talking and I received this last night. All I could say is wow and I teared up because they hit it on the head and said everything I couldn’t. If you want to know what its like to have someone understand you here it is for me.

New Living Translation Ecclesiastes 1:18
The greater my wisdom, the greater my grief. To increase knowledge only increases sorrow.
You are such a great speaker and dynamic and winsome that it is so easy to see you and see your facade.  Not that it is all a facade, but a facade in that you KNOW life.  You are not swayed by life’s antics and you are not faked out by what the world has to offer or what the world is promoting at the moment.  But in that, you are (in my opinion) striving to reach something different.  And in that you find discontentment in the gap between your knowledge and your desires.  Being unwilling to settle leaves you as a constant sojourner.  I think your soul is weary.  Very weary.  How else could a soul so full of vitality not be able to come up with any dreams except that it is burdened beyond capacity by the dreams themselves.  You do have dreams.  You have many, but you can’t name them.  I think you can’t name them because they are buried under the rubble of your tiredness of trying to live life to the fullest.
For days I have wanted to have a thought they made sense to me about your current “state”.  I was focusing on the fact that you can’t name a dream, but this morning I heard a sermon on Psalm 23 and it hit me!  It is not that you can’t dream, it is that you are so weary.  The man who wants to bridge the gap between this dreadful world and the world that Jesus promises.  The man who stands strong for his family, gives his heart to others, speaks to share his story, donates of his time and resources, reads, studies, prays, works, searches for love, searches for a career, carries a financial burden, carries the wreckage of his divorce,  wants a better life for his kids, wants to be there for his sister, nephew, and mom, the man who would give of his last breath is completely breathless.
So what do weary people need?  They need rest and reprieve.  I looked up Psalm 23 in several translations until I found this…
The Living Bible
2-3 He lets me rest in the meadow grass and leads me beside the quiet streams. He gives me new strength.
The Message Bible   True to your word,
you let me catch my breath
and send me in the right direction.
The Amplified Bible
2 He makes me lie down in [fresh, tender] green pastures; He leads me beside the still and restful waters.
3 He refreshes and restores my life (my self);
What if you forgot all the other promises of God and just meditated on this?  What if you let go of striving and just focused on breathing?  Maybe for a week?  It is hard to not feel the burden of your knowledge. I am not suggesting it is easy, but I feel you are drowning in such a way that you don’t even realize the depth of your breathlessness.
I don’t know the answer for you, but I want you to take in a deep breathe and just let go.  Stop reading and thinking and contemplating and striving and trying to reach others.  Just breathe…
This is my prayer for you until I get something new.  I love you too much to let you wither.  =)
That my friends is what a friend is. This took time and concern. You know who you are and for that I can’t thank you enough….. For those that care now you know where my mind is, now time to find that restful spot.

 

 





Day 814 The prison walls

20 04 2015

Rain and more rain. We were in a horrible drought for about 4 year’s but i think we are catching up. Bad part is baseball games are getting canceled. At least we get to sleep in. Boy life is throwing everything it can at me in the last 2 weeks. Its testing faith and so its time to put my money where my mouth is and either believe with my faith or throw my hands up. Option 2 really isn’t an option.

One of my favorite movies ever is Shawshank Redemption. There are so many life lessons in the movie. One of my favorite quotes “Get busy living or get busy dying”. There are many more. There is one section which I used to think about all the time and it was when Redd was talking about the prison walls. “Believe what you want. These walls are funny. First you hate ’em, then you get used to ’em. After long enough, you get so you depend on ’em. That’s ‘institutionalized” I’ve never been to prison but I have visited at least 3 friends there. I hated every minute of it. I knew I needed to visit but I wanted out as so as possible. Every time I left I thought about my own prison I had created with my thoughts and beliefs. The walls I Hated about myself created not from brick or stone but a hardened heart and soul, My worth, how ugly I thought I was, how I had failed as an athlete, how I couldn’t make anyone happy, I was a loser husband and father and if you saw through me you would hate me. Over the years I saw no way out so I got used to them and then I used them to become a victim. Luckily I  got humbled and lost everything so I could see the true me. The things I believed and yes some were true I got to work on them and “fix” them and me. The problem with walls is you never tear them all the way down. You can lie to yourself and say you did and I thought that. So much so I stopped going to counseling and thought just talking about my walls would continue to heal them. I continued to lie to myself until I can to the realization that of: Why are you still single, why do you feel parts of you are dead? Honestly I had no answer this time.

5 weeks ago I started back to counseling. I promise its been one of the best decisions I have made throughout my journey. Going back opened me up again, I haven’t left counseling yet since I started feeling better because when you have walls demolition sucks. The lack of trust I have for people was honestly sickening. My fear of myself and me wanting to be happy ‘which was a lie’ was something I had no idea I was sabotaging.It was affecting every aspect of my life. I want love but was choosing not to love me because I didn’t deserve it.  I had created my own institutionalized person that I had fought so hard to get away from. I can preach, offer, suggestions, give hope, know the knowledge but I couldn’t live it for me.  I am and was messing up relationships and I want to create them not destroy them. The hardest thing I realized after all this time is I’m very similar to my dad. I tried so hard not to be him and had. He lacked trust and was fearful and only and learned to isolate.

I sat with my counselor Brian and we got real and I cried. I actually got back to real prayer with God and not some generic crap you see in the movies. I cussed at God which I can be very good at but I asked him to open my eyes and that he did.  So as I write this blog. Here are a few takeaways, this journey is never old, the shadows in the valley will catch you if you choose, You are never fixed, and finally God has and will always be there if I or you choose it. Whatever your prison wall, or valley start now not only with God but those people who God has wired into your life. Get busy living or get busy dying. If you choose to die your can have your own institution.





Day 814 The prison walls

19 04 2015

Rain and more rain. We were in a horrible drought for about 4 year’s but i think we are catching up. Bad part is baseball games are getting canceled. At least we get to sleep in. Boy life is throwing everything it can at me in the last 2 weeks. Its testing faith and so its time to put my money where my mouth is and either believe with my faith or throw my hands up. Option 2 really isn’t an option.

One of my favorite movies ever is Shawshank Redemption. There are so many life lessons in the movie. One of my favorite quotes “Get busy living or get busy dying”. There are many more. There is one section which I used to think about all the time and it was when Redd was talking about the prison walls. “Believe what you want. These walls are funny. First you hate ’em, then you get used to ’em. After long enough, you get so you depend on ’em. That’s ‘institutionalized” I’ve never been to prison but I have visited at least 3 friends there. I hated every minute of it. I knew I needed to visit but I wanted out as so as possible. Every time I left I thought about my own prison I had created with my thoughts and beliefs. The walls I Hated about myself created not from brick or stone but a hardened heart and soul, My worth, how ugly I thought I was, how I had failed as an athlete, how I couldn’t make anyone happy, I was a loser husband and father and if you saw through me you would hate me. Over the years I saw no way out so I got used to them and then I used them to become a victim. Luckily I  got humbled and lost everything so I could see the true me. The things I believed and yes some were true I got to work on them and “fix” them and me. The problem with walls is you never tear them all the way down. You can lie to yourself and say you did and I thought that. So much so I stopped going to counseling and thought just talking about my walls would continue to heal them. I continued to lie to myself until I can to the realization that of: Why are you still single, why do you feel parts of you are dead? Honestly I had no answer this time.

5 weeks ago I started back to counseling. I promise its been one of the best decisions I have made throughout my journey. Going back opened me up again, I haven’t left counseling yet since I started feeling better because when you have walls demolition sucks. The lack of trust I have for people was honestly sickening. My fear of myself and me wanting to be happy ‘which was a lie’ was something I had no idea I was sabotaging.It was affecting every aspect of my life. I want love but was choosing not to love me because I didn’t deserve it.  I had created my own institutionalized person that I had fought so hard to get away from. I can preach, offer, suggestions, give hope, know the knowledge but I couldn’t live it for me.  I am and was messing up relationships and I want to create them not destroy them. The hardest thing I realized after all this time is I’m very similar to my dad. I tried so hard not to be him and had. He lacked trust and was fearful and only and learned to isolate.

I sat with my counselor Brian and we got real and I cried. I actually got back to real prayer with God and not some generic crap you see in the movies. I cussed at God which I can be very good at but I asked him to open my eyes and that he did.  So as I write this blog. Here are a few takeaways, this journey is never old, the shadows in the valley will catch you if you choose, You are never fixed, and finally God has and will always be there if I or you choose it. Whatever your prison wall, or valley start now not only with God but those people who God has wired into your life. Get busy living or get busy dying. If you choose to die your can have your own institution.





Day 814 The prison walls

19 04 2015

Rain and more rain. We were in a horrible drought for about 4 year’s but i think we are catching up. Bad part is baseball games are getting canceled. At least we get to sleep in. Boy life is throwing everything it can at me in the last 2 weeks. Its testing faith and so its time to put my money where my mouth is and either believe with my faith or throw my hands up. Option 2 really isn’t an option.

One of my favorite movies ever is Shawshank Redemption. There are so many life lessons in the movie. One of my favorite quotes “Get busy living or get busy dying”. There are many more. There is one section which I used to think about all the time and it was when Redd was talking about the prison walls. “Believe what you want. These walls are funny. First you hate ’em, then you get used to ’em. After long enough, you get so you depend on ’em. That’s ‘institutionalized” I’ve never been to prison but I have visited at least 3 friends there. I hated every minute of it. I knew I needed to visit but I wanted out as so as possible. Every time I left I thought about my own prison I had created with my thoughts and beliefs. The walls I Hated about myself created not from brick or stone but a hardened heart and soul, My worth, how ugly I thought I was, how I had failed as an athlete, how I couldn’t make anyone happy, I was a loser husband and father and if you saw through me you would hate me. Over the years I saw no way out so I got used to them and then I used them to become a victim. Luckily I  got humbled and lost everything so I could see the true me. The things I believed and yes some were true I got to work on them and “fix” them and me. The problem with walls is you never tear them all the way down. You can lie to yourself and say you did and I thought that. So much so I stopped going to counseling and thought just talking about my walls would continue to heal them. I continued to lie to myself until I can to the realization that of: Why are you still single, why do you feel parts of you are dead? Honestly I had no answer this time.

5 weeks ago I started back to counseling. I promise its been one of the best decisions I have made throughout my journey. Going back opened me up again, I haven’t left counseling yet since I started feeling better because when you have walls demolition sucks. The lack of trust I have for people was honestly sickening. My fear of myself and me wanting to be happy ‘which was a lie’ was something I had no idea I was sabotaging.It was affecting every aspect of my life. I want love but was choosing not to love me because I didn’t deserve it.  I had created my own institutionalized person that I had fought so hard to get away from. I can preach, offer, suggestions, give hope, know the knowledge but I couldn’t live it for me.  I am and was messing up relationships and I want to create them not destroy them. The hardest thing I realized after all this time is I’m very similar to my dad. I tried so hard not to be him and had. He lacked trust and was fearful and only and learned to isolate.

I sat with my counselor Brian and we got real and I cried. I actually got back to real prayer with God and not some generic crap you see in the movies. I cussed at God which I can be very good at but I asked him to open my eyes and that he did.  So as I write this blog. Here are a few takeaways, this journey is never old, the shadows in the valley will catch you if you choose, You are never fixed, and finally God has and will always be there if I or you choose it. Whatever your prison wall, or valley start now not only with God but those people who God has wired into your life. Get busy living or get busy dying. If you choose to die your can have your own institution.





Day 645 I can’t love you Tyler

3 11 2014

Halloween is such an interesting holiday. There are way to many people who think clowns are funny and I for one think not. I would rather punch a clown in its funny nose that look at it. I know I have issues but I’m a work in progress. One of the houses I took my son to give away full size candy bars. I decided to be there best friend.

Please do not feel sympathy, pity, whatever for this blog. I m writing my feelings and I know how others feel I hope someone can feel like their not on an island and it helps to bring healing. 3 weeks ago I had a friend in my mens group say do you even know what love is. I was really pissed when he first asked and I said yes for sure. He said put it on paper and let me know. Its taking me three weeks and here is what I’ve come up with. The past two weeks have been a struggle for me and I mean big time. I think it’s a lot to do with being in a relationship and falling in love again. I know men don’t share their feelings like I do so men and women will both bash me and tell me that its weird. Its okay I’ll build a bridge and you decide if you want to walk over it.

One of the statements that still wrecks my mind sometimes from my marriage   is “I can’t  love you Tyler” in my mind i kept telling her yes you can you just stopped trying. I know I made mistakes but so did you and I’m changing so you can love me. That never happened and you know the rest. I’m 3 years separated/ divorced and the words haunt me. No matter what I know about God and his power, my counseling etc.. I live like I can’t be loved. I will tell you what you need to hear and what I want to hear but my actions are different from that. This is where I beat myself up more than any other aspect of my life. I don’t want to hear that there aren’t good men and women out there  because it’s a lie. We attract who we are so we are the problem and the solution. The reason I’m single is because I believe the lies of my mangled heart. I finally realized that it is  a mangled mess and since is a decision and not a feeling I know that whoever she is can either love me or not, cheat on me or not,  or just decide that you not enough and just walk away. So armed with that info I have a line and if you cross it I will mark you out of my life and never choose to see you again. It’s not I have a  lack of knowledge I have plenty of that. Knowledge without action is like eating a shit sandwich it doesn’t taste good and you really can’t give it to anyone either. I have thought a long time about what I really want and I think this is correct for me:

I need someone Im attracted to for sure. Lets get the generic crap out-of-the-way. I need someone who doesn’t smoke, Affectionate giving and  receiving, funny and will laugh at herself  and me, has some sort of relationship with her family, will communicate about everything yes even that. Here is this stuff that matters. The more you see my brokenness you want to get closer,  you will let me take care of you because Im wired that way, not control you but take care of you, that if you or I walk out the door we know that were coming back, that when nobody in the world understand you try, you put me in my place but out of love, you’ll let me do all the sappy, crazy things you hear about but have never seen, we Really don’t go to bed mad, that we can show each other grace when it’s not deserved,  that my fears become your fears and mine yours so we can break through them together, when I throw a fit you know it’s not often and you find out why rather than trying to break me, that we are both okay not saying a word but that it’s so many words being spoken, when I fail you will get mad but remember the man I am not the man I was, when I want to get in the car and drive you don’t ask where, that when I don’t understand your hormones Ill try and wont always blame it on your hormones, that when we lay next to each other I do just want to hold you, that you will let me be your biggest fan not because I should but because I want to, when I try to shake it all off and pretend its okay you call me out, that you will see my greatness when I can’t, when I do something for you it’s not because I want something but because you deserve it and you accept it as such. Finally you and I know that wherever and whatever is going there is someone out there that understands.

So I know what works for me. You see this picture of a mangled car: You also see the car fixed. I know God will fix my mangled heart but it will also take someone who is strong and will love like they never have. If she chooses to do that then they will get what she always thought was not able to be attained.

ollision_repair_before_and_after

So as I struggle through this it will workout it just takes me trusting and believing again, praying to God for his will and not mine, and opening my eyes when they have been closed. Mangled heart and all Im an amazing catch and someone will get this one day. Until then here’s to putting my puzzle back together.





Day 645 I can’t love you Tyler

2 11 2014

Halloween is such an interesting holiday. There are way to many people who think clowns are funny and I for one think not. I would rather punch a clown in its funny nose that look at it. I know I have issues but I’m a work in progress. One of the houses I took my son to give away full size candy bars. I decided to be there best friend.

Please do not feel sympathy, pity, whatever for this blog. I m writing my feelings and I know how others feel I hope someone can feel like their not on an island and it helps to bring healing. 3 weeks ago I had a friend in my mens group say do you even know what love is. I was really pissed when he first asked and I said yes for sure. He said put it on paper and let me know. Its taking me three weeks and here is what I’ve come up with. The past two weeks have been a struggle for me and I mean big time. I think it’s a lot to do with being in a relationship and falling in love again. I know men don’t share their feelings like I do so men and women will both bash me and tell me that its weird. Its okay I’ll build a bridge and you decide if you want to walk over it.

One of the statements that still wrecks my mind sometimes from my marriage   is “I can’t  love you Tyler” in my mind i kept telling her yes you can you just stopped trying. I know I made mistakes but so did you and I’m changing so you can love me. That never happened and you know the rest. I’m 3 years separated/ divorced and the words haunt me. No matter what I know about God and his power, my counseling etc.. I live like I can’t be loved. I will tell you what you need to hear and what I want to hear but my actions are different from that. This is where I beat myself up more than any other aspect of my life. I don’t want to hear that there aren’t good men and women out there  because it’s a lie. We attract who we are so we are the problem and the solution. The reason I’m single is because I believe the lies of my mangled heart. I finally realized that it is  a mangled mess and since is a decision and not a feeling I know that whoever she is can either love me or not, cheat on me or not,  or just decide that you not enough and just walk away. So armed with that info I have a line and if you cross it I will mark you out of my life and never choose to see you again. It’s not I have a  lack of knowledge I have plenty of that. Knowledge without action is like eating a shit sandwich it doesn’t taste good and you really can’t give it to anyone either. I have thought a long time about what I really want and I think this is correct for me:

I need someone Im attracted to for sure. Lets get the generic crap out-of-the-way. I need someone who doesn’t smoke, Affectionate giving and  receiving, funny and will laugh at herself  and me, has some sort of relationship with her family, will communicate about everything yes even that. Here is this stuff that matters. The more you see my brokenness you want to get closer,  you will let me take care of you because Im wired that way, not control you but take care of you, that if you or I walk out the door we know that were coming back, that when nobody in the world understand you try, you put me in my place but out of love, you’ll let me do all the sappy, crazy things you hear about but have never seen, we Really don’t go to bed mad, that we can show each other grace when it’s not deserved,  that my fears become your fears and mine yours so we can break through them together, when I throw a fit you know it’s not often and you find out why rather than trying to break me, that we are both okay not saying a word but that it’s so many words being spoken, when I fail you will get mad but remember the man I am not the man I was, when I want to get in the car and drive you don’t ask where, that when I don’t understand your hormones Ill try and wont always blame it on your hormones, that when we lay next to each other I do just want to hold you, that you will let me be your biggest fan not because I should but because I want to, when I try to shake it all off and pretend its okay you call me out, that you will see my greatness when I can’t, when I do something for you it’s not because I want something but because you deserve it and you accept it as such. Finally you and I know that wherever and whatever is going there is someone out there that understands.

So I know what works for me. You see this picture of a mangled car: You also see the car fixed. I know God will fix my mangled heart but it will also take someone who is strong and will love like they never have. If she chooses to do that then they will get what she always thought was not able to be attained.

ollision_repair_before_and_after

So as I struggle through this it will workout it just takes me trusting and believing again, praying to God for his will and not mine, and opening my eyes when they have been closed. Mangled heart and all Im an amazing catch and someone will get this one day. Until then here’s to putting my puzzle back together.








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