Day 1169 He wont always say yes

18 04 2016

Hello blogging world. I have absent because in all honestly too many thoughts to actual get just one or two on paper. This also is one of the busiest times of year in work, sports and my little kids lives. Also with having my amazing girlfriend and son in my life it’s just sometimes to busy to sit down.  We went to our first Texas Rangers baseball game of the season last night. When the weather is still cool, the smell of hot dogs, beer, and popcorn then the crack of the bat. It takes me back to being a kid. If I miss anything that may be it.

I want  this job, if I could only live in this house, I want to marry this person, if only I had a smaller nose, or I lost weight, or blah blah. Then my life would be different. If I only had what I wanted then my life would be the way I wanted. If God would just answer my prayers. How come God never hears my prayers. I never get what I want? The reason is he doesn’t always say yes to us. What sucks is how many unanswered prayers where the best things you never asked for. We are stupid if you think about. We ask for emotional things, we ask for things in our time. Then we don’t get what we wanted and life sucks and God doesn’t listen.  What about when you didn’t actually take that job and six months later the company closed. You didn’t marry that person and when you found out who they were all you could do is say thank you. Perfect example of my unanswered prayers. I prayer for God, to save my business, save my marriage, and take my life. None of those things happened and I couldn’t thank God that he didn’t answer my prayers, that he didn’t say yes to my plan. I have cussed God, left him, half ass prayed just to say I did and thought he really didn’t exist. The only reason is because he didn’t do what I said. 5 years into the journey. God said yes but to his plan. Then I’ve decided to say yes to him. I don’t always do what he wants to remember we are imperfect, broken, and flawed. That is certainly me but I’m trying to follow and listen. He is opening doors that I never imagined. He is letting my true character and identity come out. My wishes are coming true.

I can’t tell you what to do about God or your beliefs. I do know there is a God and I’m not him. I also know his yes is better than I could ever imagine. I also remember and know that when he is “missing” he never was. All I can do is be an example for him, and show believes and none believers who is even through my failures but my successes.  If your prayers aren’t being answered it’s because you just haven’t figured out that your plan is not his. You may follow you plan but just know there is a consequence and lets just hope you don’t get what you want.  When you feel like its hard, confusing or you don’t want to that’s his plan. Follow it! I promise its worth it.





Day 1169 He wont always say yes

17 04 2016

Hello blogging world. I have absent because in all honestly too many thoughts to actual get just one or two on paper. This also is one of the busiest times of year in work, sports and my little kids lives. Also with having my amazing girlfriend and son in my life it’s just sometimes to busy to sit down.  We went to our first Texas Rangers baseball game of the season last night. When the weather is still cool, the smell of hot dogs, beer, and popcorn then the crack of the bat. It takes me back to being a kid. If I miss anything that may be it.

I want  this job, if I could only live in this house, I want to marry this person, if only I had a smaller nose, or I lost weight, or blah blah. Then my life would be different. If I only had what I wanted then my life would be the way I wanted. If God would just answer my prayers. How come God never hears my prayers. I never get what I want? The reason is he doesn’t always say yes to us. What sucks is how many unanswered prayers where the best things you never asked for. We are stupid if you think about. We ask for emotional things, we ask for things in our time. Then we don’t get what we wanted and life sucks and God doesn’t listen.  What about when you didn’t actually take that job and six months later the company closed. You didn’t marry that person and when you found out who they were all you could do is say thank you. Perfect example of my unanswered prayers. I prayer for God, to save my business, save my marriage, and take my life. None of those things happened and I couldn’t thank God that he didn’t answer my prayers, that he didn’t say yes to my plan. I have cussed God, left him, half ass prayed just to say I did and thought he really didn’t exist. The only reason is because he didn’t do what I said. 5 years into the journey. God said yes but to his plan. Then I’ve decided to say yes to him. I don’t always do what he wants to remember we are imperfect, broken, and flawed. That is certainly me but I’m trying to follow and listen. He is opening doors that I never imagined. He is letting my true character and identity come out. My wishes are coming true.

I can’t tell you what to do about God or your beliefs. I do know there is a God and I’m not him. I also know his yes is better than I could ever imagine. I also remember and know that when he is “missing” he never was. All I can do is be an example for him, and show believes and none believers who is even through my failures but my successes.  If your prayers aren’t being answered it’s because you just haven’t figured out that your plan is not his. You may follow you plan but just know there is a consequence and lets just hope you don’t get what you want.  When you feel like its hard, confusing or you don’t want to that’s his plan. Follow it! I promise its worth it.





Day 1112 We don’t have to agree

17 02 2016

You can say  back in the day  and people say stop living in the past. There were some really good things about life back in the day and what I’m talking about tonight in not agreeing with someone else. People used to talk about everything and had their own genuine thoughts.  We were told growing up don’t talk about politics, religion, and sex. So we didn’t but when people had a conversation even about those items they talked. Sure it got heated or passionate or whatever word you want to use but when it was over everyone was still friends, respected each other and actually thought the other person was pretty intelligent. Lets fast forward to today.

If you’re having a conversation which is an oddity nowadays or a face to face its weird. Then if you have a conversation I wonder if anyone has a thought of their own. They watched a video or read an article but you ask for someone to have an original thought and they get upset. Not only do people struggle with politics, sex, religion but if you like Oreo’s and they like chips ahoy you’re an butthole for not liking what they like. The world is a better place because we have different opinions, and thoughts. Sure I will give my two cents on anything but if I don’t know I’ll tell you and we can discuss about something I don’t know.  I get passionate about a few things especially when I know what I have been through and without you going through it (whatever the situation might be) you’ll talk out the side of your mouth and tell me I’m wrong. I’ll still respect your opinion and I’ll talk but I just know the next time who I’m dealing with. I just don’t understand why we cant value someone else’s thoughts or opinions anymore. Are we so afraid we make look like a fraud,  or stupid. Guess what sometimes we are and that’s okay.

We want to be valued but can’t value someone else just talking. Who cares, about politics, religion, sex preference, dinner, a cookie, kids etc.. Why are we so mad. Sometimes we aren’t right. I learned the hard way but other people are smart and deserve to be heard. Its amazing when we open our hearts and mind what we will learn. First try having a conversation face to face, an open mind and some listening ears. You don’t have to bring a gun to every conversation because somebody is going to lose. Usually the one bringing the gun gets shot. in this case the gun is our mouth.

Source: Day 1112 We don’t have to agree





Day 1112 We don’t have to agree

16 02 2016

You can say  back in the day  and people say stop living in the past. There were some really good things about life back in the day and what I’m talking about tonight in not agreeing with someone else. People used to talk about everything and had their own genuine thoughts.  We were told growing up don’t talk about politics, religion, and sex. So we didn’t but when people had a conversation even about those items they talked. Sure it got heated or passionate or whatever word you want to use but when it was over everyone was still friends, respected each other and actually thought the other person was pretty intelligent. Lets fast forward to today.

If you’re having a conversation which is an oddity nowadays or a face to face its weird. Then if you have a conversation I wonder if anyone has a thought of their own. They watched a video or read an article but you ask for someone to have an original thought and they get upset. Not only do people struggle with politics, sex, religion but if you like Oreo’s and they like chips ahoy you’re an butthole for not liking what they like. The world is a better place because we have different opinions, and thoughts. Sure I will give my two cents on anything but if I don’t know I’ll tell you and we can discuss about something I don’t know.  I get passionate about a few things especially when I know what I have been through and without you going through it (whatever the situation might be) you’ll talk out the side of your mouth and tell me I’m wrong. I’ll still respect your opinion and I’ll talk but I just know the next time who I’m dealing with. I just don’t understand why we cant value someone else’s thoughts or opinions anymore. Are we so afraid we make look like a fraud,  or stupid. Guess what sometimes we are and that’s okay.

We want to be valued but can’t value someone else just talking. Who cares, about politics, religion, sex preference, dinner, a cookie, kids etc.. Why are we so mad. Sometimes we aren’t right. I learned the hard way but other people are smart and deserve to be heard. Its amazing when we open our hearts and mind what we will learn. First try having a conversation face to face, an open mind and some listening ears. You don’t have to bring a gun to every conversation because somebody is going to lose. Usually the one bringing the gun gets shot. in this case the gun is our mouth.





Day 1084 That’s what love is

18 01 2016

As a blogger you write mostly what interests you but at the same time you hope your reader truly enjoys it. Then sometimes you write because you need it. You want to write so you can come back and feel moments in your life, see how far you’ve come or just what in the world was in your brain at that time. I write tonight for me. It’s just some of my thoughts that I’ve had and discussed  in counseling.

Faith, Hope, and Love and the greatest of these is ….. LOVE! My mom was love in every sense of the word. It just exuded  out of her. Tough, physical, mental, emotional she was all of that. She was my example and now a realization has hit. I was talking to my counselor Brian before Thanksgiving and  told him in my life women have never loved me except my mom. Sure I had 2 long relationships then a 14 year marriage but those women never loved ME! They loved who I was going to become or what I could do for them but never the love I deserved or should have received. Before I go on this isn’t “poor Tyler” or God loves you Tyler. I know that. God did put us on this earth and he did say again Faith, Hope and Love and the greatest is LOVE.

I know I have a lot of work to do on myself and will until the day I die but I do know what love is, I exude it, I give it and I express it in whatever way you need it, but now mine is gone. Sure I was a mamas boy but it was to easy not to be. I realized tonight on a 5.5 hr drive home that I could live to be 100 and never feel that love again. Not just because she was my mom but that’s how she loved. I could write for 5 more hours about how my mom loved but I ll just give a few that hit me tonight.

After my dad became disabled things got horrible but my mom made sure we stood tall. I remember this piggy bank It was of a basset hound it was full of money. She brought me in my room and gave me a little hammer and said son we need this money now but lets break this bank together. We sat on the floor and with tears running down her eyes I asked why do we have to do this. She said because life isn’t always fair but you make the best of it. I said now what? She said now we love each other more than we ever have because we need it.

My sophomore year of high school when all hell had broke loose in our family and  things were being pawned and life was unbearable. I had to have an operation to shorten my left leg. Dr. came into my room the day after the surgery and looked at us and said he’ll never walk right and again and sports is out of the question. My mom said well sir you don’t know my son but I do and your wrong. When the dr left the room she turned around to me and looked me in the eye and said you will be do everything you ever wanted to do because I know you, I had you and I love you. Now get your ass out of bed and let’s go to physical therapy. She was at ever physical therapy appt with her own brand of encouragement and the kiss on the cheek at the end. 6 months later I was cleared to play football again.

I told this at my mom’s Eulogy. The night before I attempted suicide I called my mom and to shorten the conversation I told her life had become too much and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I told her that I wouldn’t do anything stupid (which was a lie) but I didn’t know which way was up. She didn’t lecture me at all. She paused so long I said mom are you still there. She said son what your feeling is temporary, I know you’re hurting but you will get through this. She said only God can fix this. She then called me by my whole name Jason Tyler Wood I love you.  Good night son! The next day the attempt failed. I was so embarrassed it took me a week to call her and tell what I had tried. She said I know son. When I hung up with you I yelled to God to save my son because I can’t. That is what love is. When you have no idea you reach to the one who does.

As I struggle and pray to feel the love my mom showed me. I know that there is no one else like her. I miss her like crazy and know that she was truly proud of the man I had become today.





Day 1084 That’s what love is

17 01 2016

As a blogger you write mostly what interests you but at the same time you hope your reader truly enjoys it. Then sometimes you write because you need it. You want to write so you can come back and feel moments in your life, see how far you’ve come or just what in the world was in your brain at that time. I write tonight for me. It’s just some of my thoughts that I’ve had and discussed  in counseling.

Faith, Hope, and Love and the greatest of these is ….. LOVE! My mom was love in every sense of the word. It just exuded  out of her. Tough, physical, mental, emotional she was all of that. She was my example and now a realization has hit. I was talking to my counselor Brian before Thanksgiving and  told him in my life women have never loved me except my mom. Sure I had 2 long relationships then a 14 year marriage but those women never loved ME! They loved who I was going to become or what I could do for them but never the love I deserved or should have received. Before I go on this isn’t “poor Tyler” or God loves you Tyler. I know that. God did put us on this earth and he did say again Faith, Hope and Love and the greatest is LOVE.

I know I have a lot of work to do on myself and will until the day I die but I do know what love is, I exude it, I give it and I express it in whatever way you need it, but now mine is gone. Sure I was a mamas boy but it was to easy not to be. I realized tonight on a 5.5 hr drive home that I could live to be 100 and never feel that love again. Not just because she was my mom but that’s how she loved. I could write for 5 more hours about how my mom loved but I ll just give a few that hit me tonight.

After my dad became disabled things got horrible but my mom made sure we stood tall. I remember this piggy bank It was of a basset hound it was full of money. She brought me in my room and gave me a little hammer and said son we need this money now but lets break this bank together. We sat on the floor and with tears running down her eyes I asked why do we have to do this. She said because life isn’t always fair but you make the best of it. I said now what? She said now we love each other more than we ever have because we need it.

My sophomore  of school when all hell had broke loose in our family and  things were being pawned and life was unbearable. I had to have an operation to shorten my left leg. Dr. came into my room the day after the surgery and looked at us and said he’ll never walk right and again and sports is out of the question. My mom said well sir you don’t know my son but I do and your wrong. When the dr left the room she turned around to me and looked me in the eye and said you will be do everything you ever wanted to do because I know you, I had you and I love you. Now get your ass out of bed and let’s go to physical therapy. She was at ever physical therapy appt with her own brand of encouragement and the kiss on the cheek at the end. 6 months later I was cleared to play football again.

I told this at my mom’s Eulogy. The night before I attempted suicide I called my mom and to shorten the conversation I told her life had become too much and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I told her that I wouldn’t do anything stupid (which was a lie) but I didn’t know which way was up. She didn’t lecture me at all. She paused so long I said mom are you still there. She said son what your feeling is temporary, I know you’re hurting but you will get through this. She said only God can fix this. She then called me by my whole name Jason Tyler Wood I love you.  Good night son! The next day the attempt failed. I was so embarrassed it took me a week to call her and tell what I had tried. She said I know son. When I hung up with you I yelled to God to save my son because I can’t. That is what love is. When you have no idea you reach to the one who does.

AS I struggle and pray to feel the love my mom showed me. I know that there is no one else like her. I miss her like crazy and know that she was truly proud of the man I had become today.

 

 





Day 1067 My mom died yesterday

30 12 2015

We all know life can change in an instance and yesterday it did. My sister called me yesterday at 9:25 am hysterical and in between her tears she said mom is dead. I knew that it was not a joke of any sort. I asked her to calm down and she said the paramedics said she had been dead about 6 hours. The same way she fell asleep is the same way she died. She most likely died of a heart attack or blood clot. To say that sitting here in totally shock and numbness would be under statement. With my father I knew it was coming I got to say goodbye but not this time. I told my mom when she got home from work on Monday I loved her. I had no regrets with my mom. Dying peacefully is a great point but my only one now.

God didn’t ask me! People say when God is ready he will take them and that he did but my sister, our kids and I weren’t ready. How do you go from on a Monday shes still here then Tuesday shes not. I wish I could tell you I was mad, or confused but Im not. Ive cried a a lot in spurts. I lost it today when we picked the casket. We went through pictures at the funeral home, we gave her final clothes and I signed all the documents and sit in awe that it was over.

I know a lot of people have lost their parents and now I can sympathize with them but being 40 years old and filling like an orphan sucks. We do visitation Friday night and the service Saturday Im speaking about my mom at the service, I cant do justice to the women. She was truly the most amazing women I have ever known.

With my relationship with God being closer I get to put myself to work to make sure. As God and I go through the roller coaster I promise to continue to be vulnerable, honest and open as another journey starts for me. Please continue to read and encourage whenever you can.

Thank you so much for the people who have reached out, with so many great words, support, and love. If you pray we could use it now. If you don’t I’ll take a high five. Here’s to another unexpected journey! Love ya

 





Day 1017 Why depression has me now

10 11 2015

Im sorry for not blogging much lately which I will explain later. Thank you for those that have checked in on me. My family has depression that goes back at least two generations on each side. It’s hard to say it won’t happen to you until it does. Well welcome to my now and I’m not writing so you worry I’m just writing so you hopefully understand and will check on your friends and family. Life has plenty of ups and downs and the blues or sadness comes from that for sure but when you have depression sometimes there’s no reason. Here is definition:Sadness or downswings in mood are normal reactions to life’s struggles, setbacks, and disappointments. Many people use the word “depression” to explain these kinds of feelings, but depression is much more than just sadness.Some people describe depression as “living in a black hole” or having a feeling of impending doom. However, some depressed people don’t feel sad at all—they may feel lifeless, empty, and apathetic, or men in particular may even feel angry, aggressive, and restless.So here I am with really no good reason to be depressed. My life is pretty good and here I am though. I’m making it through the day by coaching my self up. I’ve been here before and now that I know what it is i know I have to get it under control or the mind spirals out of control. I feel lifeless, empty at times and then in turn that makes me mad or angry. People who have never dealt with depression will tell you, just suck it up or my Christian friends you’ve allowed the devil in your life just pray it away. I sigh and want to smack them. Thats not the way it works. It’s a chemical imbalance in the brain and you have to help it. I went to the Dr last week and about to make the most about-face medical changes I have made in a while. I have to make changes to medications and change the way I eat. I also can’t isolate or stop living my life. Its a huge damper from where I’ve been to where Im at. Its frustrating, confusing and just stupid to feel this way but I do.This time of year is hard for so many people, especially the ones that put on a great show for you then go and hide inside themselves away from you. For me please keep praying I need all I can get but also look at your friends, ask questions. I know God can do anything but if I just sit here and do nothing, nothing is what I will get. Remember people who fight depression don’t want to feel this way and you can’t just snap your fingers and make it go away.

Source: Day 1017 Why depression has me now





Day 1017 Why depression has me now

9 11 2015

Im sorry for not blogging much lately which I will explain later. Thank you for those that have checked in on me.  My family has depression that goes back at least two generations on each side. It’s hard to say it won’t happen to you until it does. Well welcome to my now and I’m not writing so you worry I’m just writing so you hopefully understand and will check on your friends and family. Life has plenty of ups and downs and the blues or sadness comes from that for sure but when you have depression sometimes there’s no reason. Here  is definition:

Sadness or downswings in mood are normal reactions to life’s struggles, setbacks, and disappointments. Many people use the word “depression” to explain these kinds of feelings, but depression is much more than just sadness.Some people describe depression as “living in a black hole” or having a feeling of impending doom. However, some depressed people don’t feel sad at all—they may feel lifeless, empty, and apathetic, or men in particular may even feel angry, aggressive, and restless.

So here I am with really no good reason to be depressed. My life is pretty good and here I am though. I’m making it through the day by coaching my self up. I’ve been here before and now that I know what it is i know I have to get it under control or the mind spirals out of control. I feel lifeless, empty at times and then in turn that makes me mad or angry. People who have never dealt with depression will tell you, just suck it up or my Christian friends you’ve allowed the devil in your life just pray it away. I sigh and want to smack them. Thats not the way it works. It’s a chemical imbalance in the brain and you have to help it. I went to the Dr last week and about to make the most about-face medical changes I have made in a while. I have to make changes to medications and change the way I eat.  I also can’t isolate or stop living my life. Its a huge damper from where I’ve been to where Im at. Its frustrating, confusing and just stupid to feel this way but I do.

This time of year is hard for so many people, especially the ones that put on a great show for you then go and hide inside themselves away from you. For me please keep praying I need all I can get but also look at your friends, ask questions. I know God can do anything but if I just sit here and do nothing, nothing is what I will get. Remember people who fight depression don’t want to feel this way and you can’t just snap your fingers and make it go away.





Day 995 Remember when that old pic was cool

19 10 2015

 

The most amazing women in the world turned 73 today. That women is my mom. I couldn’t be more thankful for her. She is a giver of everything, she never let’s you down. She’s strong enough to smack you around if need be but hug you until you feel whole again. She has never asked for anything, when she always should have.
When nobody else was there for me she always was. Today is a celebration of one of the greatest women God created. Thank you for the example you are to the world. We all got to spend time with my mom today and yesterday. Even through her Parkinson’s she not missing a beat.

I was speaking to a customer last week. They were very wealthy and some very exotic things and just neat things that you don’t normally see in people’s homes. I was in awe of his wood workings and chess, sets, and musical instrument he had made. HE had some made of black African veneer which is $500 a sheet and just stunningly beautiful. I started asking about each pieces and he stopped me and said you know whats really sad. I walk by these pieces everyday and I don’t notice them anymore. He told me a story about a home he had in Santa Barbara CA I knew exactly where it was. I said it was the most beautiful view of the world I ve seen. He said I lived there 15 years and I stopped even noticing its beauty until last month I went back  and  I lived there after for 15 years and 14 years into it I stopped noticing it. He asked me do you remember a cool pic you took or a piece of art etc.. you put on the wall and 6 months later you haven’t looked at once. Not until someone else mentions it to you do you appreciate it again then it fades away again quickly.

When I drove away I thought about all the says I have on my wall, pics of my kids, a couple of really cool art pieces and that I haven’t looked at them in months. I have family rules on my wall and I’ve broken all of them maybe because I never look at my rules.  It made me think a lot about what we take for granted and that everything. Not just some old pic,  or art, or stuff but our relationships, our family, our job. I’m not sure why we do but we do everyday until: Life happens , someone gets sick, we lose a job, a relationship ends that we never knew would. We do it with God and not until the bottom starts falling out of our life do we start seeing the view differently. I wish the words of this blog would cause me to wake up differently and see something differently tomorrow. I wish that you would say because of you I looked at a photo on my wall and remembered how blessed I am, Or I walked into my kid’s bedroom and no matter how mad I was at them today I love them so, or your spouse that your ready to give up you remember today why you fell in love in the first place and rather than quitting on your marriage you decided to stay and fight for it.

My failures are not because of what I don’t have, my failures come from not being grateful for what I do have. The attitude of gratitude is waning. Try tonight or tomorrow  to see the view, the family, the old pic when it was cool. Be grateful because when its gone it never comes back.








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