Day 548 A time for the walls to come down dammit

Why can’t people learn that words are worth nothing with action. Either show up or shut up. I know to many people who tell you exactly what you want to hear. Then you need them and they can never answer the bell. People want help, they want someone to lean on but they don’t want to be let down again, so they stay silent. I hate this more than anything.

So what I said above there is either a time to build walls or tear them down. Walls are necessary for a time to get you through whatever life has for you in this season. Even strong people need walls. They need people to lean on. Only the strong survive but not by yourself. I finished my workout yesterday and laid down face first on the floor and thought what happens when I need someone.. When I want to run away where is that person. I have one person and sometimes you can’t always go to that well. I’ve built up a few walls and I think they are necessary but I have to tear them down. You can’t tear down when all people want to do is beat you with a bat (not really) Im fragile in a few ways now and I need a few people to say their sorry so I can move on. They won’t so I pray and ask God to help with it. While Im listening and waiting do you know how many people in life want you to fail. How they want you take a face first fall onto the concrete. Then stand in front of and tell  you that there sorry that happened but really their happy. I can believe the hate, hurt , anger, holding onto the past in people and have been there but Good God please help them. I couldn’t sleep last night! I tried and I prayed but to no avail.  I know a lot comes from my loneliness but also the walls that people I love or want to love carry is stupefying.

Let it go, your ex spouse, your ex boyfriend,  your parents, your job, or just life in general. Stop putting people on a pedestal. I promise every damn time you do they will fail you. When someone starts tearing down their walls and starts rebuilding their life, stop going back to the person you remember because that person left yesterday. If that makes you comfortable to tear down others go crawl under a rock until God speaks to you or you learn to just shut up.

Okay I feel better now off to counseling!!

Day 548 A time for the walls to come down dammit

Why can’t people learn that words are worth nothing with action. Either show up or shut up. I know to many people who tell you exactly what you want to hear. Then you need them and they can never answer the bell. People want help, they want someone to lean on but they don’t want to be let down again, so they stay silent. I hate this more than anything.

So what I said above there is either a time to build walls or tear them down. Walls are necessary for a time to get you through whatever life has for you in this season. Even strong people need walls. They need people to lean on. Only the strong survive but not by yourself. I finished my workout yesterday and laid down face first on the floor and thought what happens when I need someone.. When I want to run away where is that person. I have one person and sometimes you can’t always go to that well. I’ve built up a few walls and I think they are necessary but I have to tear them down. You can’t tear down when all people want to do is beat you with a bat (not really) Im fragile in a few ways now and I need a few people to say their sorry so I can move on. They won’t so I pray and ask God to help with it. While Im listening and waiting do you know how many people in life want you to fail. How they want you take a face first fall onto the concrete. Then stand in front of and tell  you that there sorry that happened but really their happy. I can believe the hate, hurt , anger, holding onto the past in people and have been there but Good God please help them. I couldn’t sleep last night! I tried and I prayed but to no avail.  I know a lot comes from my loneliness but also the walls that people I love or want to love carry is stupefying.

Let it go, your ex spouse, your ex boyfriend,  your parents, your job, or just life in general. Stop putting people on a pedestal. I promise every damn time you do they will fail you. When someone starts tearing down their walls and starts rebuilding their life, stop going back to the person you remember because that person left yesterday. If that makes you comfortable to tear down others go crawl under a rock until God speaks to you or you learn to just shut up.

Okay I feel better now off to counseling!!

Day 136 Yesterday my life changed

Well what a sad state in this  country with the destruction. We can pray and give to Red Cross and try to be better to each other and that’s all I know to say to that.

Yesterday was when my life changed. It was the day one year ago that she said that she “wasn’t working on it” anymore, that I wasn’t worth it and she was better off with out me. Im not a quitter and never have been but I threw the towel in. We had tried for about a year and I finally agreed. 14 years of life was gone just like that. It happened in our master closet which is a weird place for a marriage to end but our lives had been in a closet anyway and so why change now. Unless you hear someone who loved you say the things to you I did you can’t grasp how bad it hurts and what lies ahead. So what do you do when the words Im done with you happen: You take a deep breath and say holy shit now what. My entire past, present and future is in your face and with absolutely no idea which way to turn. So I went to my beside table and cleaned out the drawer because that’s what you do when you get divorced right? Now I had been in counseling now for 8 months and I get to apply what I learned. Oh fing great I was so excited. (That was sarcasm). I didn’t think great I get to be single, and go drink, and live in my own place and have sex when I wanted to. My thoughts were what about our kids, what about people are going to think, can I do this on my own, oh and I hate women, why did I ever get married. You mean after 14 years someone says your not worth it you get tossed aside like a bucket of piss, and they hate you.  Then the pity who would want a wounded, broken, verbal abuser who doesn’t want to love. So the next day I think I walked everywhere with a quivering leg. I told my two friends and my mom and asked them what to do and they were very reassuring. Well we will get through. Really we will get through it ( my first thought was WTF and kiss my ass) I called Brain the first thing Monday morning and he made time for me and then it started.  He said its time to move on and you have to get into divorce care and get right so you don’t hate her, but I already did for just a short time.

Divorce care started in June and it was the best 14 weeks of my life, I grew to understand her and not hate her. I grew to understand that it wasn’t just me, that there always two parties, that we are all broken and someone will love me again. Mostly I learned not to judge.

Here is what has happened since that day 1 year and 1 day ago.

1. I m an amazing dad. I love my kids and know how important I am in their life and Im responsible for how they will treat others.

2. People are amazing and just because we aren’t the same or have different views they are amazing!

3. I can be loved, Im one hell of a man, Im honest, I can communicate and there are really women who want a man like me.

4. Its okay to say your sorry, there is always time if you do it now to love someone.

5. Love with no conditions, people are going to hurt you but not personally

I wish I could change things but all I can do is to let people that I hurt that Im sorry and to give me another chance.

I can cry and that makes me a man too. If I don’t forgive my life will always be the same. The road is going  to be bumpy and curvy but enjoy it. Honesty is going to hurt others but do it anyway

What Im working on: I have to learn to trust, give someone a chance to love me, God didn’t forget about me,  and finally some pudding isn’t that bad.

 

 

Day 136 Yesterday my life changed

Well what a sad state in this  country with the destruction. We can pray and give to Red Cross and try to be better to each other and that’s all I know to say to that.

Yesterday was when my life changed. It was the day one year ago that she said that she “wasn’t working on it” anymore, that I wasn’t worth it and she was better off with out me. Im not a quitter and never have been but I threw the towel in. We had tried for about a year and I finally agreed. 14 years of life was gone just like that. It happened in our master closet which is a weird place for a marriage to end but our lives had been in a closet anyway and so why change now. Unless you hear someone who loved you say the things to you I did you can’t grasp how bad it hurts and what lies ahead. So what do you do when the words Im done with you happen: You take a deep breath and say holy shit now what. My entire past, present and future is in your face and with absolutely no idea which way to turn. So I went to my beside table and cleaned out the drawer because that’s what you do when you get divorced right? Now I had been in counseling now for 8 months and I get to apply what I learned. Oh fing great I was so excited. (That was sarcasm). I didn’t think great I get to be single, and go drink, and live in my own place and have sex when I wanted to. My thoughts were what about our kids, what about people are going to think, can I do this on my own, oh and I hate women, why did I ever get married. You mean after 14 years someone says your not worth it you get tossed aside like a bucket of piss, and they hate you.  Then the pity who would want a wounded, broken, verbal abuser who doesn’t want to love. So the next day I think I walked everywhere with a quivering leg. I told my two friends and my mom and asked them what to do and they were very reassuring. Well we will get through. Really we will get through it ( my first thought was WTF and kiss my ass) I called Brain the first thing Monday morning and he made time for me and then it started.  He said its time to move on and you have to get into divorce care and get right so you don’t hate her, but I already did for just a short time.

Divorce care started in June and it was the best 14 weeks of my life, I grew to understand her and not hate her. I grew to understand that it wasn’t just me, that there always two parties, that we are all broken and someone will love me again. Mostly I learned not to judge.

Here is what has happened since that day 1 year and 1 day ago.

1. I m an amazing dad. I love my kids and know how important I am in their life and Im responsible for how they will treat others.

2. People are amazing and just because we aren’t the same or have different views they are amazing!

3. I can be loved, Im one hell of a man, Im honest, I can communicate and there are really women who want a man like me.

4. Its okay to say your sorry, there is always time if you do it now to love someone.

5. Love with no conditions, people are going to hurt you but not personally

I wish I could change things but all I can do is to let people that I hurt that Im sorry and to give me another chance.

I can cry and that makes me a man too. If I don’t forgive my life will always be the same. The road is going  to be bumpy and curvy but enjoy it. Honesty is going to hurt others but do it anyway

What Im working on: I have to learn to trust, give someone a chance to love me, God didn’t forget about me,  and finally some pudding isn’t that bad.