Day 136 Yesterday my life changed

22 05 2013

Well what a sad state in this  country with the destruction. We can pray and give to Red Cross and try to be better to each other and that’s all I know to say to that.

Yesterday was when my life changed. It was the day one year ago that she said that she “wasn’t working on it” anymore, that I wasn’t worth it and she was better off with out me. Im not a quitter and never have been but I threw the towel in. We had tried for about a year and I finally agreed. 14 years of life was gone just like that. It happened in our master closet which is a weird place for a marriage to end but our lives had been in a closet anyway and so why change now. Unless you hear someone who loved you say the things to you I did you can’t grasp how bad it hurts and what lies ahead. So what do you do when the words Im done with you happen: You take a deep breath and say holy shit now what. My entire past, present and future is in your face and with absolutely no idea which way to turn. So I went to my beside table and cleaned out the drawer because that’s what you do when you get divorced right? Now I had been in counseling now for 8 months and I get to apply what I learned. Oh fing great I was so excited. (That was sarcasm). I didn’t think great I get to be single, and go drink, and live in my own place and have sex when I wanted to. My thoughts were what about our kids, what about people are going to think, can I do this on my own, oh and I hate women, why did I ever get married. You mean after 14 years someone says your not worth it you get tossed aside like a bucket of piss, and they hate you.  Then the pity who would want a wounded, broken, verbal abuser who doesn’t want to love. So the next day I think I walked everywhere with a quivering leg. I told my two friends and my mom and asked them what to do and they were very reassuring. Well we will get through. Really we will get through it ( my first thought was WTF and kiss my ass) I called Brain the first thing Monday morning and he made time for me and then it started.  He said its time to move on and you have to get into divorce care and get right so you don’t hate her, but I already did for just a short time.

Divorce care started in June and it was the best 14 weeks of my life, I grew to understand her and not hate her. I grew to understand that it wasn’t just me, that there always two parties, that we are all broken and someone will love me again. Mostly I learned not to judge.

Here is what has happened since that day 1 year and 1 day ago.

1. I m an amazing dad. I love my kids and know how important I am in their life and Im responsible for how they will treat others.

2. People are amazing and just because we aren’t the same or have different views they are amazing!

3. I can be loved, Im one hell of a man, Im honest, I can communicate and there are really women who want a man like me.

4. Its okay to say your sorry, there is always time if you do it now to love someone.

5. Love with no conditions, people are going to hurt you but not personally

I wish I could change things but all I can do is to let people that I hurt that Im sorry and to give me another chance.

I can cry and that makes me a man too. If I don’t forgive my life will always be the same. The road is going  to be bumpy and curvy but enjoy it. Honesty is going to hurt others but do it anyway

What Im working on: I have to learn to trust, give someone a chance to love me, God didn’t forget about me,  and finally some pudding isn’t that bad.

 

 

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