Day 1544 Superman needs to wash his cape

17 05 2017

Hi Blog world well its Texas so you know its hot and humid. You walk outside after a shower you smell like a wet puppy and your pores look like clear plastic bowls. At least you can get a good tan and the smell of cooked bacon is rampant.

A sincere thank you for those who read my thoughts. To be honest it feels good when someone tell your thoughts, or being authentic and real helped me. Men don’t do what you do so you provide hope! When I die I hope the line is out the door and every person would say, he loved me, he was weird, honest, real and he provided me hope on my worst days. If that happens I left behind an amazing legacy. If I haven’t  yet I hope to do that soon.

Super man had a cape a pretty cool cape actually. Superman was 6th Halloween costume and when it was over I still wore the cape Sometimes I was clothed and sometimes I wasn’t but that’s another blog. The point is once I put that cape on I could do anything, I could fly, rescue my dog, bury my hot wheels deep in the dirt and find them, almost catch a squirrel, for 5 yards I was faster than a car. Point is with it on I could do anything it was my badge of honor. It had to be washed sometimes because it went everywhere with me and it went from  red to a dark brown. When I took it off I was just Normal Jason Tyler Wood. Nothing to save, no super hero, no one to cheer me on. So I needed the cape I thought.

10 years old my dad came to me and said son you’re the man of the family. I put on a permanent cape but I didn’t know it at the time. I put on a cape because my dad donated his to me. It was my badge, it was me rescuing everyone, me saving everything that need to be saved, me putting the world on my shoulders. A 10-year-old boy  trying to figure out a world but I didn’t even know how to shave. I wore it well though, my parents were proud of me told me I was doing a good job. I couldn’t let them down, I couldn’t take my cape off and wash it. I mean my family and world needed me. I couldn’t let myself down. This imaginary cape I was wearing my identity. I should be a 10 year old boy doing 10 year old boy stuff. I was busy trying to be responsible all the time, fixing adult problems and figuring out a way to get my family out of the hell it was in. At the same time developing an anger problem because I didn’t have the answers, fighting my way out of problems, loving people so they would love but knowing how to. I prayed people would like me and see what I was doing was awesome. They would shout my name to my greatness. I was creating the Tyler idol.

I could go through every year and tell you how I wore the cape without washing it,  how it was tattered, had holes in but I was going to retire it or even take it off. August 27th 2011 the cape fell without my wanting it to and I tried to take my life.  The cape and I ran out of answers. I looked at and wanted to put it back on but didn’t know how to tie it around my neck anymore. Who was I , I had no identity, my cape was destroyed but I didn’t know what to do without it.

The closer I’ve got to God I realize he’s my cape. I thought for the longest time he was my Kryptonite but I was so wrong. The problem is sometimes the 6-year-old boy comes out in me and I put on a cape. I try to rescue everything again, I want to save everything. I put everyone’s burden on me and then I trip over the cape.

I hope you get the story: I know to many people who wear capes everyday. Its tiring, it hurts and it makes life miserable. We weren’t meant to wear a cape, that’s for comic book hero’s.  Untie your cape, wash it, and put it in a nice box and store it. You don’t have to be Superman there’s  one superman and he will carry our cape.

No matter how strong you are it’s better to read about superman that carrying the burden of trying to be. This Halloween go as  adult superman and put on that cape enjoy it but then take it off and realize those days of pretending are over. Its time to live again.

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Day 1488 This is why you change -866 Days and counting

20 03 2017

Hello People. 92 degrees in Texas I know its the first day of spring but Summer decided to wave hi first. I’m so thankful to have this outlet to be able to share me. I know some thinks it’s a weird way to do it but that’s okay because I know I’m weird. I’m embrace it!

I’m a single man again. Never thought I would be here again but life threw   me a huge upper cut when  my mom died. I became numb and couldn’t even fake it some days. The blended family was also a huge problem that until you’re living there is no way to know how to handle it. So in the journey again with a different path. I really need to find a path and stay on it 🙂

I’m not a glass half full, or half empty I’m just thankful something is in my glass. So writing this please know The days I get I’m so thankful for but I’m here to help so this is real talk.

Since I moved out of my old house with my ex-wife almost 5 years ago. I have missed 866 days of my kids lives. Yes that means I’ve had them for 866 days and I promise I’ve done my best to make all of that time matter. You don’t have to mess up the time like I did. We all know when something isn’t right with ourselves and our relationship. You ignore it or just say that’s the way it is then your left listening to your kids grow up on phone.

866 days of their life I missed. thank God I fought for joint custody but its hard to have your kids come home and they truly changes. The first 2 days my son is here he calls me mom, they don’t feel close, they don’t communicate as much and then its Sunday and just the time of us seems like its gone because we have to get ready for school. I learn about their day  by asking questions right before bedtime. When I want to do something with them that only comes around once a year I can’t. My flesh and blood is missing. I know I will find them but I can never get those days back. Hello, I love you, thank you sounds different on the phone.

Like I said earlier, realize a few things:. we are all screwed up, we all have a hurt, habit, or hang-up, we all have a past. Some worse than others, we had someone break us down, break our heart, we all medicate our pain some how. So you’re never alone. Never. You don’t know what I’ve done Tyler, but I know someone who has. The thing is we can’t live there anymore because living “their” allows someone else to raise your kids, and just have voice memories to carry you through.

Find your weakness, absorb, accept it, and get help, counseling, recovery group, just a voice to listen. Anyone that sits on an island by themselves will drown every time. I believe in Jesus Christ so I go there but find something. Nothing  is worse than losing everything because I said said,  I don’t know what to do. There are options everywhere. Its pride and ego that will steal your life and soul. It doesn’t have to be that way. reach out to me, do something because you are worth it and those beautiful children are too. You can drink, dope, and yell your life away but you can’t get back what you destroyed.





Day 1149 Im finally in an amazing realtionship

28 03 2016

Yesterday was the first big holiday without my mom. It was very different and she was missed terribly. Flashbacks of her being there, eating, laughing telling me if I didn’t use my manners she was going to shove an Easter egg down my throat and make me like it.
I would do anything to have her back, tell her I love her, and have her hug me one more time. Yesterday was just another day to remember how amazing she was and how she made everything so special.
A big thank you to my sister Meagan Wood for cooking like mom would have, but the bad part it was on time which would have never happened with my mom.

For almost 25 years I’ve been searching for someone to love ME. Not what I can do for them, or what my potential was but for me. I knew what I was capable of and for most of the relationships I was pretty decent in loving and showing love. I was broken and made a lot of wrong turns but now I made a change in my life and knew what I could be as a boyfriend and a future husband. I was ready to give up, from blind dates, to people I knew from my past, to dating websites I was ready to throw in the towel. Being a daddy, a warrior for God, speaker, and working I had accepted that I wasn’t going to find anyone else. In July of last year I saw a girl I thought was pretty sent her a message and then we started talking. She was in Austin so I thought it was just going to be something where I passed the time. We talked a lot and I was dating a few women here and there. I finally decided to go meet her. I drove down during the week thought I was crazy because I was going to get back so late for work the next day. Based on all the things I wanted in a woman she was it but we know that we all put on a good show when we meet. After dinner we were sitting there and she put her arm around my arm, 2 points for her. Physical touch is my love language, so she was a head of the game. She looked at me like nobody ever had and I wondered why.

When I left I thought I really needed to see her again but didn’t know when I was going to “TRY” again. I kept trying and we became closer and closer. Still the whole time I did everything I could to push her away. Not because I didn’t want her but because I was afraid. I mean I already said I was good being single the rest of my life and how could anyone possibly love me. She didn’t budge. I knew she thought about leaving but she has something I never had and that she was loyal. We told me from our first date that she thought that I was incredible. She hasn’t stopped since. I’m weird, I’m different, I march to the beat of my own drum, but I’m also loving, caring, a giver, loyal, a man’s man, a great father and she’s helped show me that. My mom, sister, kids, and my close friends thought she was great but for some reason I couldn’t get over me. The day before my mom died we had a serious conversation and I thought it might be over , and the next day my mom died. She got here as quick as she could. Like anyone else she had no idea what to do so she was there. Through my tears, my stories, my laughs, my deepest fears, and the hardest thing that had happened to me. I had always said before If I  ever stayed with someone forever again I had to know what she was like when shit hit the fan. Well lets just say she bought the best toilet paper and wiped it clean lol.

She had grown closer to my kids, Rock Bottom Outreach, God and me. When I think of what I wanted in woman, mother and lover she exceeds those expectations. There will never be another woman like my mom but Stephanie Lemburg is following closely. About 3 weeks ago God and I had one of our one on ones. I asked that he lets my heart accept all of her and let my heart fall truly, madly , deeply in love. God spoke to me and said don’t let her go for any reason and Tyler you deserve this woman its time to let go of your junk.

I have done that and I couldn’t be happier. Sure we have the ups and downs of getting to know one another but at the end of the day I’m not worried about her walking out on me. There may not be a better feeling for a 40-year-old man to know the love of a loyal woman and that she’s even on my side when she’s about ready to hit me with a hammer.

AS my journey changes Im glad to walk it with Stephanie. I love you Stephanie and thank you.

 





Day 786 Im so sorry I lied-I am fearful

22 03 2015

I have my whole crew back and my mom and nephew came up last night as well. We went and saw the movie Do you believe! It was outstanding. Most Hollywood God movies are cheesy acted and predictable but this was not. Also my childhood hero Brian Bozworth was in it and did  great.

I’m fearful and I have lied and told you I wasn’t Here is what goes through my brain and heart if I’m honest.

:you will see my jokes are to cover my insecurities, that my anger is my true feelings about myself, when I’m honest I only hope u accept it and not reject it, that when I’m happy you know that  I don’t believe I deserve it, that every person I’ve kicked out if my life I miss them, that I crave a family again, that when I try to look tough I’m tired of being tough, the lies I told I wish they were true, I never believe I measured up,
That you will see the goodness of my heart and stomp on it again, I trust no one, I’m a great lover, that when I look into your eyes I really am trying to get to know you whoever you are, that I think more like a non-believer than a believer most days, I’m not comfortable in my own skin, my heart can break easier than you know, when u pay me a compliment I say thank you but don’t believe it, I’m afraid I going to screw my kids up every day, that every time I hear the word suicide I tear up,  I not afraid to die, you don’t know that when I hug you I hope it’s the best hug you’ve ever received, that if  I cry in front of you I’m hurting really bad inside, that I wanted more children but I thought have two of me was punishment enough to then, that every time  I get up to help or speak I have no idea what I’m going to say. That you ignore me because I’m odd and weird, that I’m jealous of what you have and I don’t, I’m afraid I wont’ get to my bucket list, I haven’t really changed, of the thoughts I have when I drink, why I don’t dream anymore,I will never love again at the depths that I know are possible, when I can’t find my shadow,
Why do I tell you this? I might be the only weird honest person in the world but what people tell me without asking I’m not alone in my thoughts. Everyone one of us feels and thinks these things a lot. We only want people to see the good but to appreciate e a person you have to know the bad to appreciate the good. We can pretend we don’t but if your honest you know it. Then I know these words have been mentioned Over 300 times in the Bible. Do not fear, do not be afraid. All I try now is share my heart which I just did and ask God please take these irrational and stupid fears because I’m not strong enough to do so.  Confession is what he asked us for, he didn’t ask us to stop sinning. Never feel alone in your walk and when you are fearful , remember  what God said : do not be fearful or afraid
love you





Day 786 Im so sorry I lied-I am fearful

22 03 2015

I have my whole crew back and my mom and nephew came up last night as well. We went and saw the movie Do you believe! It was outstanding. Most Hollywood God movies are cheesy acted and predictable but this was not. Also my childhood hero Brian Bozworth was in it and did  great.

I’m fearful and I have lied and told you I wasn’t Here is what goes through my brain and heart if I’m honest.

:you will see my jokes are to cover my insecurities, that my anger is my true feelings about myself, when I’m honest I only hope u accept it and not reject it, that when I’m happy you know that  I don’t believe I deserve it, that every person I’ve kicked out if my life I miss them, that I crave a family again, that when I try to look tough I’m tired of being tough, the lies I told I wish they were true, I never believe I measured up,
That you will see the goodness of my heart and stomp on it again, I trust no one, I’m a great lover, that when I look into your eyes I really am trying to get to know you whoever you are, that I think more like a non-believer than a believer most days, I’m not comfortable in my own skin, my heart can break easier than you know, when u pay me a compliment I say thank you but don’t believe it, I’m afraid I going to screw my kids up every day, that every time I hear the word suicide I tear up,  I not afraid to die, you don’t know that when I hug you I hope it’s the best hug you’ve ever received, that if  I cry in front of you I’m hurting really bad inside, that I wanted more children but I thought have two of me was punishment enough to then, that every time  I get up to help or speak I have no idea what I’m going to say. That you ignore me because I’m odd and weird, that I’m jealous of what you have and I don’t, I’m afraid I wont’ get to my bucket list, I haven’t really changed, of the thoughts I have when I drink, why I don’t dream anymore,I will never love again at the depths that I know are possible, when I can’t find my shadow,
Why do I tell you this? I might be the only weird honest person in the world but what people tell me without asking I’m not alone in my thoughts. Everyone one of us feels and thinks these things a lot. We only want people to see the good but to appreciate e a person you have to know the bad to appreciate the good. We can pretend we don’t but if your honest you know it. Then I know these words have been mentioned Over 300 times in the Bible. Do not fear, do not be afraid. All I try now is share my heart which I just did and ask God please take these irrational and stupid fears because I’m not strong enough to do so.  Confession is what he asked us for, he didn’t ask us to stop sinning. Never feel alone in your walk and when you are fearful , remember  what God said : do not be fearful or afraid
love you





Day 73 I can do it

14 03 2013

This trip has been great so far. It’s amazing how much your kids grow up before your eyes and the things they will say. My kids have no governor comes from their dad so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. So far on this my daughter has told the Cajuns they talk funny, My son told the front desk lady at the hotel he likes boobs.  Wes topped at Waffle House in some God forsaken part of Louisiana and the Cajun accent was so rapent. Its awesome but I couldn’t understand anything they said. We saw dolphins today swimming about 15 feet from the bank. We also got to see the devastation still from Hurricane Katrina. So many places for sale. It was cold here today. My kids just had to get into the water so I let them and I did to. I’ve lost my private parts but I shall find them one day. Only thing missing was a crab biting me.

This may sound weird but I was fearful of this trip. I’ve been a single dad since may 2012 but I have never done a family vacation by myself. Its weird but I m being honest. You never see many single dads with just their kids. I know women love it had 3 mention today how refreshing it was to see.  I know you just do what you always do. It’s another part of the journey that you never know how to prepare for. I love the memories and what the next few days hold. I guess more than anything you never thought you would be on vacation single. It seemed everybody was a family and I was the only person being single with kids. I know that wasn’t true but it’s amazing what your brain can make you think. So I can do it and I’m doing it. I love being a dad so much and hopefully in the next few years I will love being a husband again.





Day 89 What hurts the most

18 11 2012

Just saw an amazing post on Facebook thank you Brett Smith. “God understands our prayers even when we can’t find the words to say them” Thank you God for doing this otherwise I would be really screwed. This weekend I was told that I was one of the weirdest and coolest people  they had ever met so I was trying to find something that explained me and I found this.

Friday night I had a great night.  We went to the Cleburne high school football playoff game. That didn’t go so well, but we I got to hang out with some great friends from high school and laugh really loud. So much so I think we ran everybody out of the bar. Thanks to Walter, Darla, Rodney, Kristi, and Jeremy. I had a great time.
Saturday we had the big family Thanksgiving and I got to hang with my family for the first time since I was divorced. I had a blast it’s amazing how you eyes open to so many things when your judgements aren’t clouded. I spent the evening with my niece and laughed out loud many times. She is going through one hell of a  struggle but for a little bit we almost felt normal.

What hurts the most sometimes is timing. I won’t mention this persons name but I understand why you’re doing why you are. I totally support you in this. I truly believe that people just don’t come in our life just because. There is always a reason it maybe what you’re going to do for them ( support, a shoulder, a laugh, a relationship) but it may be what they are going to  do for you. What hurts is sometimes you have no idea why did you bring this person in my life and now they can’t be there. There’s a lesson I know and I can’t wrap my hands around this one at all.
Then you start to question, why did I say anything, why did I go in that building that day, you had already left why did you go back. I know it was all worth it and I will learn something from it but just know this if we don’t understand it doesn’t make it wrong.








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