Day 1106 I’m sorry dad 11 years later

10 02 2016

This year my dads death is probably harder than expected because six weeks ago my mom left us. What he taught me as come through my mind more and more each day as the days of my mom pass. Each year I write this, copy and paste and change it mostly for myself. I read to see where life changed or my feelings are different. I just know the last 6 months he was alive I appreciate those moments more now than ever. They were the hardest things I’ve heard from a man about a man. He was true, deep, vulnerable  and finally open. I hated the words but I needed to hear them. Rather than being able to absorb them at that moment I just filled myself with hate, and bitterness and then he was gone. He was so wise because he was broken and made more mistakes than a roomful of men could make. I appreciate the words I use now when I speak that came from him, the moments when I parent and blow it and here him say its okay. When I feel worthless and hear him say don’t get in the mouse trap of thoughts you can’t get out of. 11 years later I would tell him I’m sorry but thank you. You were not the broken, heartless, absent man I thought you were. I love you and I hope I’m making you and mom proud even through my struggles. Here is 3 years of writing about what the day brings to me. I hope it helps you and if not it helps me.

At 8:20 am tomorrow 11  years ago  my father passed away. Sorry if you have heard the story before but this helps me deal with it and maybe you can get something out of it. I had never been more embarrassed, disappointed, and down right sickened by a human in my life than my dad. My dad was taking 27 pills a day to stay alive. We had brought him home from the hospital about 5 weeks earlier so he could die at home. He had a variety of things wrong with him they said he died of COPD but you could have chosen 5 or 6 other things. They had given him morphine under the tongue 2 weeks before so it had been a while since I had seen him “normal”. My problems started in life at 10 when my dad said that it was time for me to be the man of the family and I wore that with a badge of honor. It is by far the worst thing anything can put on a little boy. I truly believed in my head my dad thought I could handle the pressure and that he took a step back and started the deterioration process. It’s not like he didn’t do anything but when I was 14 he became disabled and quit. I was so pissed. I m a fighter and I don’t quit and he left my mom and I to take care of him and my sister. I know he was sick and his body was failing him but he could have tried to do something. He made me a promise that if I graduated from college that he would be there and stand for me when they called my name. Well he did that in December of 1998. It was the last time I could say I was proud of him. He was there and then had to go to the car. He had to carry an oxygen tank with him but I know that day he was proud of me. AS the years went on I saw less of him. I was embarrassed and now I know I was really pissed at him. I saw the man he was becoming, he couldn’t take care of himself at all and my mother waited on him hand over fist. September 2004 I started my own business. I will never forget that day he said “( I m so proud you had the courage to do something I wouldn’t) I remember mumbling to myself yeah You could have and he wouldn’t have been so damn poor.

August 2004 my dad got the words you only have 6-9 months left to live. He started the I m sorry and started to bear his soul. He apologized to my mom and I heard  his words he was sorry and my mom waited 34 years to hear those words. He apologized to my sister and requested that she do a few things which she agreed. He then started his process with me. It took a full 5.5 months to get it all out. I learned things about him that I never knew. He was a great card player, a real sharp dresser. He owned bowling alleys and restaurants, he played with his close friend Buddy Holly in his band and some other things that I will keep to myself. At first I was so happy to hear all of this and then I became bitter that he would wait until he was gone and couldn’t do anything about it. His last words that he said to me were son I wish I was half the man you had become. It was the most powerful thing I have ever heard but it should have been me saying that to him.

The last time I saw my dad alive was February 4th 2005. They got him out of bed and sat him in his chair. He had no idea we were there but he did have enough to tell me he was proud of me. I sat in front of him and talked to him like nothing was wrong but knew it wouldn’t be long before he died. I left that night and hoped God would take him I wished for more than anything. He was a shell of a man, he was so sick and my mom deserved better. Thursday February 10 at 9:40 pm my mom called its time son. We had many false alarms but this time her voice said it was really happening. He asked my mom to go to the store and get him some juice. He knew what he was doing when she got back my dad was in a coma. I got there at 11:00 that night. It was the longest drive I had made from Denton to Cleburne.  I wanted to have something to say to calm everyone down when I got there but I didn’t. I gave my sister, my mom and the hospice nurse a hug and went into the bedroom. No matter how ready you think you are you’re not ready to see you parent laying there taking their last breaths . The nurse told me that he could hear me so talk to him but he wouldn’t respond. Probably since the first time since I was a baby I went in laid in my dads arm and didn’t say a word. I laid there about 2 hrs and nobody came in there. I guess they knew I needed my time. I talked to my dad about what I was doing in my business and how I struggled with being a dad and husband. I told him I was mad about him leaving me here but I would hold up to the end of the bargain of taking care of my mom and sister. I got up and let some other people who came by the house come by and pay their respects. I sat outside in the dark for about an hr. I just kept praying for God please take him. His lungs were filling with fluid so his breathing was like that of a drowning person. At 8:00 that morning his breaths became fewer and fewer. My mom and sister came and said goodbye and I laid next to him holding his hand. at 8:20 I heard his last breath. A very surreal moment happened and his warm body became cold and his spirit left. It was my last time that I had to be the man of the family with him there!!

December 7th 2011 I went to my father’s grave for the first time. I was going through counseling and all kinds of help try to find peace and that day in the cold, mud, and sleet I hit my knees at his tombstone. I told him I was sorry for all the things I said and would he please forgive me and I forgave him. At that moment I looked over my right shoulder to see who was grabbing my shoulder and it was the spirit of the Lord lifting the burden off of me that I had carried for 25 years. My life has never been the same. My life hit Rock Bottom but because of that simple act of forgiveness for a man who did the best he could with the knowledge he had I’m here today still a broken man but gluing it all back together. At the beginning of January this year took a trip to the Sequoia National Forest and saw the largest trees in the world. It was the most majestic and quite place I had ever been on earth. In the quite I heard my Father speak to me and tell me that he loved me and he was proud of me. I promise its worth the fight and struggle to get to a place of peace and forgiveness.

 

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Day 1067 My mom died yesterday

30 12 2015

We all know life can change in an instance and yesterday it did. My sister called me yesterday at 9:25 am hysterical and in between her tears she said mom is dead. I knew that it was not a joke of any sort. I asked her to calm down and she said the paramedics said she had been dead about 6 hours. The same way she fell asleep is the same way she died. She most likely died of a heart attack or blood clot. To say that sitting here in totally shock and numbness would be under statement. With my father I knew it was coming I got to say goodbye but not this time. I told my mom when she got home from work on Monday I loved her. I had no regrets with my mom. Dying peacefully is a great point but my only one now.

God didn’t ask me! People say when God is ready he will take them and that he did but my sister, our kids and I weren’t ready. How do you go from on a Monday shes still here then Tuesday shes not. I wish I could tell you I was mad, or confused but Im not. Ive cried a a lot in spurts. I lost it today when we picked the casket. We went through pictures at the funeral home, we gave her final clothes and I signed all the documents and sit in awe that it was over.

I know a lot of people have lost their parents and now I can sympathize with them but being 40 years old and filling like an orphan sucks. We do visitation Friday night and the service Saturday Im speaking about my mom at the service, I cant do justice to the women. She was truly the most amazing women I have ever known.

With my relationship with God being closer I get to put myself to work to make sure. As God and I go through the roller coaster I promise to continue to be vulnerable, honest and open as another journey starts for me. Please continue to read and encourage whenever you can.

Thank you so much for the people who have reached out, with so many great words, support, and love. If you pray we could use it now. If you don’t I’ll take a high five. Here’s to another unexpected journey! Love ya

 





Day 839 Is this what its like to feel loved

15 05 2015

I know what God wants me doing. I know it, feel it and its a fulfilling feeling. I got lucky to hear God and he put me in touch with people who over 2 years brought me to Rock Bottom Outreach. There is no way in my normal life I would have ever been friends with these people just through my normal walk in life. Not only do I have these amazing people in my life but I’m also allowed to share my testimony. Some people say big deal does it matter, I couldn’t do it, why do you air your dirty laundry? For those that don’t know me God gave me a gift to lead, speak and be vulnerable. When he gives you something you run with it. For me I can and will get up in front of any and everybody to share from the moment I came into the world until where I stand now and tell you how I screwed up and my story or redemption not perfection. Why do I do it, why does Rock Bottom do it because we offer hope to the weak, weary, defeated, and the ones that are ready to end their life. We need it to as a part of our journey in healing. Last night was another amazing example of when I doubt what were doing and what I’m doing that God shows up and shows out.

We spoke to a group of youth and adults in Springtown Texas at Hilltop church. When I walked in your could feel the need and I was ready. I was very emotional last night and have no idea why and asked to go last. If I wouldn’t have I would have cried my the whole time but I went last and made it. The our team rocked it with Power testimonies which each of us gets 3 minutes. Its quick but you can through a lot of life in when you’re hitting the high notes. I talk about suicide in my message. I understand it and lived. I know what its like to feel worthless, unworthy, that everything you touch turns to garbage, that life will never get better. I also know that’s a lie from the pits of hell. I tried to end my life but I got lucky and now its my turn to share and change lives. After Rock Bottom and the message we get to stay around and talk to whoever wants to talk to us. The tough part about suicide is talking about it one on one and feeling someone elses pain. Two 7th grade girls approached me and said can I talk to you about suicide. I listened intently and inside I’m dying for them. I wont tell the whole story of both but I spoke some real talk to her and then talked to the adult leadership how to help her. Sure there was teenage drama to her talk but she was serious and then the there are moments that leave you speechless. I gave both girls hugs and one girl looked at me and said is that what its like to feel loved. I stepped back and I guess she saw the confusion on my face and said the hug you just gave me. I said I hope so sweetie.  I walked away with tears running down my eyes and said thank you God. Me being open and showing I care for this girl maybe for the first time in her life felt loved.

I got in my car and said no matter what I have screwed up in my life Jesus was like carry on my good and faithful son you’re doing my work and I love you!! Thanks for reading!!





Day 839 Is this what its like to feel loved

14 05 2015

I know what God wants me doing. I know it, feel it and its a fulfilling feeling. I got lucky to hear God and he put me in touch with people who over 2 years brought me to Rock Bottom Outreach. There is no way in my normal life I would have ever been friends with these people just through my normal walk in life. Not only do I have these amazing people in my life but I’m also allowed to share my testimony. Some people say big deal does it matter, I couldn’t do it, why do you air your dirty laundry? For those that don’t know me God gave me a gift to lead, speak and be vulnerable. When he gives you something you run with it. For me I can and will get up in front of any and everybody to share from the moment I came into the world until where I stand now and tell you how I screwed up and my story or redemption not perfection. Why do I do it, why does Rock Bottom do it because we offer hope to the weak, weary, defeated, and the ones that are ready to end their life. We need it to as a part of our journey in healing. Last night was another amazing example of when I doubt what were doing and what I’m doing that God shows up and shows out.

We spoke to a group of youth and adults in Springtown Texas at Hilltop church. When I walked in your could feel the need and I was ready. I was very emotional last night and have no idea why and asked to go last. If I wouldn’t have I would have cried my the whole time but I went last and made it. The our team rocked it with Power testimonies which each of us gets 3 minutes. Its quick but you can through a lot of life in when you’re hitting the high notes. I talk about suicide in my message. I understand it and lived. I know what its like to feel worthless, unworthy, that everything you touch turns to garbage, that life will never get better. I also know that’s a lie from the pits of hell. I tried to end my life but I got lucky and now its my turn to share and change lives. After Rock Bottom and the message we get to stay around and talk to whoever wants to talk to us. The tough part about suicide is talking about it one on one and feeling someone elses pain. Two 7th grade girls approached me and said can I talk to you about suicide. I listened intently and inside I’m dying for them. I wont tell the whole story of both but I spoke some real talk to her and then talked to the adult leadership how to help her. Sure there was teenage drama to her talk but she was serious and then the there are moments that leave you speechless. I gave both girls hugs and one girl looked at me and said is that what its like to feel loved. I stepped back and I guess she saw the confusion on my face and said the hug you just gave me. I said I hope so sweetie.  I walked away with tears running down my eyes and said thank you God. Me being open and showing I care for this girl maybe for the first time in her life felt loved.

I got in my car and said no matter what I have screwed up in my life Jesus was like carry on my good and faithful son you’re doing my work and I love you!! Thanks for reading!!





Day 816 I don’t know

22 04 2015

Many of the seasons I have learned in the last 4 years is how to keep my mouth shut. I’m still not great at it but I promise I try so hard.  We as men have always been raised to fix it, have all the answers and we when we didn’t our worth as a man was shattered.

My past life I always had the answers all of them from God himself to how to plant a garden which I had never done. You asked a question either I had studied it or made it up because I wanted you to think how great, how smart, how worldly I was. In my business I would even walk away and say wow that was some pretty good made up crap!! Never in my life would I say I don’t know let me go find the answer. First of all I would never have asked for help and second I wouldn’t look vulnerable. If another men thinks you don’t know something and he does well he’ll get the last laugh. You also would never not have the answer in front of a woman. I had a great God complex because I thought I had to or did know everything. I remember once I literally went and threw a brick at a house were  working on because I gave the wrong answer. I was so arrogant I thought I had to know everything. I was a control freak and that’s what we do. We control and know everything. Funny thing is we don’t know anything and can barely control our bowels..

In the past year especially I don’t want to know everything it takes too much energy. If I’m the smartest man in the room I need to go to another room. If I don’t have the answer or if you need it now google it otherwise I truly don’t care. I’m no longer a control freak or care to be. There are plenty of other people to care that torch. The best words that I have uttered the last year of my life are I love you and I don’t know. I walk away in either situation with a full heart and empty mind.

Today was my 6th week of counseling and about 20 minutes in I wondered why I came today. Then my counselor Brian started pouring some things on me. We have the back and forth counseling role going lol. I listened more than I spoke today and all I kept saying to myself was I don’t know. About 5 minutes before we closed I looked at Brian and said I don’t know. I have no idea how to get over this hump I was in. I don’t know and I started crying. I was overcoming with emotions and I had didn’t know why, how or what the heck I was crying for or felt rudderless.  I told Brian that the past six weeks and been the crappiest 6 weeks in a long time. we paused for about 30 secs and it felt like an hour and Brian said can we pray. I just nodded. He started and said I know this is going to make Tyler more upset but the past 6 weeks was the best six weeks I had with him. Then theses words hit me like a ton of bricks If Tyler can’t make it and figure out this world then we are all screwed. We got up and hugged each other and then with a big smile said what do I owe you for this session. ………….

I’m not sure why I wrote this today except my head and heart were about to explode and I needed to get it off my chest. Is there a lesson? Yes for me “I don’t know” is okay and in the confusion of I don’t know  and my tears maybe was the answer I have been searching for. I have the answers and they are sitting with me everywhere I go. If I choose to believe in me and trust I lose the I don’t know.





Day 816 I don’t know

21 04 2015

Many of the seasons I have learned in the last 4 years is how to keep my mouth shut. I’m still not great at it but I promise I try so hard.  We as men have always been raised to fix it, have all the answers and we when we didn’t our worth as a man was shattered.

My past life I always had the answers all of them from God himself to how to plant a garden which I had never done. You asked a question either I had studied it or made it up because I wanted you to think how great, how smart, how worldly I was. In my business I would even walk away and say wow that was some pretty good made up crap!! Never in my life would I say I don’t know let me go find the answer. First of all I would never have asked for help and second I wouldn’t look vulnerable. If another men thinks you don’t know something and he does well he’ll get the last laugh. You also would never not have the answer in front of a woman. I had a great God complex because I thought I had to or did know everything. I remember once I literally went and threw a brick at a house were  working on because I gave the wrong answer. I was so arrogant I thought I had to know everything. I was a control freak and that’s what we do. We control and know everything. Funny thing is we don’t know anything and can barely control our bowels..

In the past year especially I don’t want to know everything it takes too much energy. If I’m the smartest man in the room I need to go to another room. If I don’t have the answer or if you need it now google it otherwise I truly don’t care. I’m no longer a control freak or care to be. There are plenty of other people to care that torch. The best words that I have uttered the last year of my life are I love you and I don’t know. I walk away in either situation with a full heart and empty mind.

Today was my 6th week of counseling and about 20 minutes in I wondered why I came today. Then my counselor Brian started pouring some things on me. We have the back and forth counseling role going lol. I listened more than I spoke today and all I kept saying to myself was I don’t know. About 5 minutes before we closed I looked at Brian and said I don’t know. I have no idea how to get over this hump I was in. I don’t know and I started crying. I was overcoming with emotions and I had didn’t know why, how or what the heck I was crying for or felt rudderless.  I told Brian that the past six weeks and been the crappiest 6 weeks in a long time. we paused for about 30 secs and it felt like an hour and Brian said can we pray. I just nodded. He started and said I know this is going to make Tyler more upset but the past 6 weeks was the best six weeks I had with him. Then theses words hit me like a ton of bricks If Tyler can’t make it and figure out this world then we are all screwed. We got up and hugged each other and then with a big smile said what do I owe you for this session. ………….

I’m not sure why I wrote this today except my head and heart were about to explode and I needed to get it off my chest. Is there a lesson? Yes for me “I don’t know” is okay and in the confusion of I don’t know  and my tears maybe was the answer I have been searching for. I have the answers and they are sitting with me everywhere I go. If I choose to believe in me and trust I lose the I don’t know.





Day 619 It’s time to write that book

7 10 2014

Parenting is hard and some days you pray that someone would hand you a manual and say do it this way. I promise it will work. We all know it doesn’t work that but we wish. We usually focus on what our kids don’t do right rather than what they do. We beat ourselves up so much as parents and we never look and say you know I’m or we are doing a good job. Yesterday we attended our first Parent/teacher conference for my son Brayden. This is his first year in school so I was very interested in what she had to say. She said he was a good reader, and good at math etc.. Said he was very bright. She then said he is by far the nicest kid in my class. Said everyday when they go to recess he waits and sees which kid doesn’t have anyone to play with and goes and plays with that kid. I almost didn’t hear what she said and when I was walking out I said did you say everyday that he does that about playing with the kids. She said everyday I’m out there he does. I wiped a tear from my eye as I walked back to my car. I got in my car and cried. I knew he was a caring little boy but I didn’t know he would even know to do that. At football practice last night I got down to eye level and told him how proud I was of him and what the teacher said. I then asked him why he did that for the kids and without missing a beat he said ” You tell me every morning to be good to my friends and I don’t want them to be sad or cry at recess and I can play with anyone”. Im truly a lucky man to have the two kids God gave me.

Sometimes in life we think to hear from God we have to hear the deep Charleston Heston voice saying Tyler you need to do the ABC. It never works that way. It usually happens in quiet time, a song or people put in our lives for a reason. Sometimes that person is close or a stranger. I have always wanted to write a book mostly so I could be famous. God changed my life and I kind of put that on back burner. It still rings in my head every once in a while. Since I started writing my blog somebody will pop in and say you should write a book. I always ask why they think that I get because I would read, people need it, it’s a heck of a story your life, I want to know the details that aren’t in your blog. So I talked about to a few people lately and then I say do you think really people would read it, I doubt myself and said maybe one day. Last night I’m just watching practice lady comes  up to me and says your that big guy that writes that blog. She said that lady over there said to read it and I read 10 of them over the weekend. I said I hope you enjoyed them.  She said enjoy was one word but wow is what came to mind. She said I have never heard a man be so open, vulnerable, logical, and do it through the pain that you have gone through and now your here. Have you ever thought about writing a book. I chuckled and said yeah and you’re helping me make sure I do. I asked her why should I and  she said: You can change lives, people need to hear your story, women need to hear your honesty, you give me hope and you can change a generation of men if you choose to do so. I gave her a hug and told her thank you and she made me promise not to stop writing. So with that its time I write the book and fill in some details . I know at least 12 people who will read it so that’s a good start. So say some prayers that I get the direction and the door will open so I can find out how to do it. In the meantime save your money so you can buy one lol. For those that have encouraged me to this point to write the book thank you and I know Im stubborn but I heard you.








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