Day 1549 so this is what its come to

22 05 2017

Remember naps, kool aid, recess, playing outside until you were so tired you came in I took a bath passed out and did it again the next day.  What about getting something in the mail,run out to the mailbox but no yet, drinking from a water hose, jumping into a pond just because, or taking your shoes off just because. trying to have fun because it was fun,  not to have fun to compensate to make yourself feel better. Anyway I’m saying being an adult is dumb and we continue to do the same thing.

Let say the stats are correct and 2% of people live they life they want. I’ll be generous and say 10% are living the life they want. So that leaves us the other 90%. Here are the things we celebrate now,

  1. I got to work on time,
  2. They canceled the meeting,
  3. Jeans day,
  4. A catered lunch,
  5. Getting to leave 5 minutes early
  6. Living to get a tax return check that we shouldn’t have paid over tot he government anyway
  7. Getting to eat a meal at home. It used to happen everyday
  8. 2 weeks of vacation to work 50 weeks. Then we dread the end of vacation because how much work we have when we get back
  9. Praying to God that the dr., lawyer or bank stay open past 5 so you can get business done so you don’t have to do everything Saturday.
  10. That someone will celebrate your birthday
  11. You go to the mailbox hoping its empty
  12. That somebody would do their laundry
  13. Can we order pizza because I don’t give a crap about anybody eating
  14. Someone body I cared about texted me but I haven’t heard their voice in 2 years
  15.  I worked to retirement YAY, now my health sucks so bad I can’t enjoy it
  16. We get 2 breaks a day to go to the bathroom
  17. Somebody waved at me. Do they like me. It used to mean people were friendly.
  18. You have to be sick to feel like you can stay in bed
  19. Someone pays you a compliment.
  20. I paid my bills for the month yes, oh crap its time to start paying them again.

 

I could go on but how freaking sad is it that life has become this. Routine is a killer of the soul. Why have we accepted this. It’s not God’s plan. ts not our plan but we stick ourselves in the butt with it and wonder why it hurts. It’s just dub, we stopped having fun, or our fun is were going to drink until we don’t remember, because Hangovers are a blast.

My boss is a dumb arse and if you don’t think you’re a dumb arse you are the boss. We live this life to get to a point to enjoy it then our health fades,  our love dies, kids move on forget about us until were dying.

Im not trying to be a pessimist but I’m sick of people not living.  Take them damn trip,  eat the food you shouldn’t , if your job sucks find another one, if you want a dog buy one. Just live because if you were giving a month to live you would start but its to late.

Oh but Tyler I don’t what to do. Okay good stop doing this stupid crap I listed that’s a good start. The only person going to make your life better is you. I mean nobody else will. Don’t blame, just do it.

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Day 891 Its time to touch the sky Tyler

5 07 2015

At midnight tonight I will start a 3 day detox from all social media. I was challenged by my counselor to try it to hear something and avoid the distractions that come with social media. I argued but there are a few issues I have to resolve and I’m at the point that I’m ready. So it may not be a big deal but I struggle with being lovable. So when I need to think about that I run to social media to see what my friends and the world is doing. Its time to be a big boy if I want to have a relationship where I love and want to be loved I have to concentrate on the issue and stop sabotaging myself. Here’s to a first for me!!

We get caught up in our lives, we do the same thing over and over and routine is a life killer. Even we when go on vacation we try to pack so much into our few days off that we need a vacation from our vacation. We never get to truly experience a sense of peace that belongs to just us. That when I get to my spot if its night or day I feel I’m touching the sky. You might be saying what a weirdo what is he talking about. I really feel bad you haven’t felt that but you still can. Maybe in your backyard, in a different county, the mountains, the beach, another country, in your car but you have to find it. It’s the place where you feel a sense of peace, that nothing is wrong, that you can talk out loud to someone that’s  1000’s miles away from you but can still hear you? Or  you connect with a loved one that’s passed or you can just sit there and nothing crosses your mind. It’s a place that God has you and nothing else. I have three of them. One is outside Boulder Colorado, One is in the Sequoia National Forest and the last is on a pier in San Diego California. All three places I have my piece of the sky, one I heard my God and my dad speak to me, one i sat down on a rock and saw the stars I never had and the last one I felt peace like never before. I felt I was going to be okay and every mistake I had made and every time I had fallen down was being handled. Each time when I got back into the car I knew that I had that moment where I felt “okay”  So what does all this mean?

I’m scraping up the money and I’m going back to one  of my places. I have to not just want to. There are some amazing things that have happened in the past 3 years. I couldn’t be more proud of my journey but I know I’m not hearing  some important things in my life. Its time to complete my family, its time to believe in my direction and that what I’m doing with my life is truly what God wants and not me. One day the love of my life can go and share in these places but not until I let whoever she is come in. So if you would pray that I find the finances, listening ear and open heart. Not my will but his.  Until my detox is over love ya!!





Day 568 2 years divorced tomorrow

20 08 2014

I had the best vacation I can remember.  My whole family went that included my mother, sister nephew, my kids and myself. We haven’t done that since I was 10. I worried with all of us with ADD in the car we would smack each other repeatedly. I can say it was so much better than I cold have thought. One of the coolest thing and a side I had never seen of my mom is that she rode every ride we did at Schiltterbahn water park.. She has Parkinson’s and said she can still do everything she used to. It surprised us but it shouldn’t she one’s one f the greatest women God every created. She is an example for any woman to follow and I just got lucky enough to call her my mom. We even got a few pics which made me happy and its memories I can’t forget.

At 9:10 August 20 2012 I was divorced in the Denton County Courthouse.  It was a day I was so ready for but yet had no clue how to feel, what to do or who to tell.  I wanted our marriage to stay together for our kids but I promise it was best for both of them that we go our own ways.  When everything changes in life you either go to ways together or apart. We were the unlucky ones who couldn’t keep it together and that morning sitting next to her I felt like every single memory good or bad just rushed at me in a 5 minute span. People think when they file papers that they are divorced. i will argue with you until you actually hear the gavel hot the desk and its over you truly don’t understand what its like to be divorced. 4 1/2 minutes and 14 years of a part of my life ended quicker than it  began. I walked out that morning weak kneed and sick at my stomach. Why for something you know you wanted and needed so bad could make you feel so empty and alone.

Lets fast forward to today. I would love for my kids sake for them to be together and in a healthy home. It didn’t happen but here’s what did. I still fall short, Im still lonely, not always sure of myself but because I was divorced: Im a better man, MAN being the key word, Im not a little boy searching for something that I won’t find, Im a better christian man, Im a better giver, better man for the next woman who gives me a chance to prove that to her, Im honest, Im humble, I see pain and have true compassion for people who before I could have cared less about. Im vulnerable, I protect the ones I love, and the biggest thing Im a great daddy. My children are my world and I know that their chance of succeeding in life is far better today and Im an actual example that they can be proud of.

You see sometimes no matter how much you loved or thought you were loved two people cannot be married. We fell in love early and grew apart not because of the other one but because we needed to find something in us that we were missing.  We didn’t come into each others life because we weren’t supposed to be there we were and learn from each other. I know we both did that and even though we have our differences I think we can both say that we better for being together for 14 years. We work together for our kids and there’s not much more one can ask of the other. Two years ago I was a weak kneed, empty soled boy who was so lost but today I have a soul and its a bright burning light not only for me but any others that care to have a piece of me. Thank you for always reading and following my journey. It’s funny because I hated writing and now I am a writer because I was divorced.





Day 568 2 years divorced tomorrow

19 08 2014

I had the best vacation I can remember.  My whole family went that included my mother, sister nephew, my kids and myself. We haven’t done that since I was 10. I worried with all of us with ADD in the car we would smack each other repeatedly. I can say it was so much better than I cold have thought. One of the coolest thing and a side I had never seen of my mom is that she rode every ride we did at Schiltterbahn water park.. She has Parkinson’s and said she can still do everything she used to. It surprised us but it shouldn’t she one’s one f the greatest women God every created. She is an example for any woman to follow and I just got lucky enough to call her my mom. We even got a few pics which made me happy and its memories I can’t forget.

At 9:10 August 20 2012 I was divorced in the Denton County Courthouse.  It was a day I was so ready for but yet had no clue how to feel, what to do or who to tell.  I wanted our marriage to stay together for our kids but I promise it was best for both of them that we go our own ways.  When everything changes in life you either go to ways together or apart. We were the unlucky ones who couldn’t keep it together and that morning sitting next to her I felt like every single memory good or bad just rushed at me in a 5 minute span. People think when they file papers that they are divorced. i will argue with you until you actually hear the gavel hot the desk and its over you truly don’t understand what its like to be divorced. 4 1/2 minutes and 14 years of a part of my life ended quicker than it  began. I walked out that morning weak kneed and sick at my stomach. Why for something you know you wanted and needed so bad could make you feel so empty and alone.

Lets fast forward to today. I would love for my kids sake for them to be together and in a healthy home. It didn’t happen but here’s what did. I still fall short, Im still lonely, not always sure of myself but because I was divorced: Im a better man, MAN being the key word, Im not a little boy searching for something that I won’t find, Im a better christian man, Im a better giver, better man for the next woman who gives me a chance to prove that to her, Im honest, Im humble, I see pain and have true compassion for people who before I could have cared less about. Im vulnerable, I protect the ones I love, and the biggest thing Im a great daddy. My children are my world and I know that their chance of succeeding in life is far better today and Im an actual example that they can be proud of.

You see sometimes no matter how much you loved or thought you were loved two people cannot be married. We fell in love early and grew apart not because of the other one but because we needed to find something in us that we were missing.  We didn’t come into each others life because we weren’t supposed to be there we were and learn from each other. I know we both did that and even though we have our differences I think we can both say that we better for being together for 14 years. We work together for our kids and there’s not much more one can ask of the other. Two years ago I was a weak kneed, empty soled boy who was so lost but today I have a soul and its a bright burning light not only for me but any others that care to have a piece of me. Thank you for always reading and following my journey. It’s funny because I hated writing and now I am a writer because I was divorced.





Day 518 I just didn’t care

1 07 2014

Day 518 I just didn’t care

30062014

There are times in your life that your proud of things you do and I am that for my past weekend. I used to be a control freak and a planner. When my plans didn’t go as planned I would get angry and think less of my self. After 4 years of change I have learned that I control very little so just go with it.  This weekend was a guys weekend. My buddy Jim and I went to Western Kansas so he could show me where he grew up and just to get away.  There were no plans were made just let’s get the heck out of here.  In all we drove about 22 hrs on our trip. I love driving and seeing things that I have never seen.  Here are the key words from the trip. You can fill in the blanks on what you think happened.

Oreos and blizzards
Gun and fireworks
Tornado
air mattress and barn
Candy bars
Motorcycles and 4 wheelers with busted chin
Bull semen
No water pressure
Gummi bears
Red rocks amphitheater 482 stairs at 6000 elevation
Cow crap
Biting flies
Hairy armpits
Wasted hippies
Hotel manager
Transformers, 3 wasted hrs
Smells like stinky socks
Wet butt
No sleep
Weird sayings in truck stop bathroom
Tattoos
Little Debbie snack cakes
Our on probation friend jenni

I wont explain all of them and some aren’t on here but needless to say I had a blast. Friday night in Kansas we were in a tornado for about 10 secs.  I truly thought that may be the end. We slept in a barn, We got to see small town Kansas visit family  and eat at the one restaurant in the town. We rode dirt bikes and 4 wheelers  on 2000 acres and right before we were finished I busted my chin open on a jump.  Im not sure what happens if you have a medical emergency its pretty much good luck I think.  We got a wild hair and Denver was only 3 hrs away so we visited Denver. What a great City . The temps are great with no humidity and the people are so laid back. We were at our hotel and ran into a group of girls that said we should go to the wide-spread panic concert at Red Rock Amphitheater. Red Rock is a Bucket list item. We got to the show but didn’t get to watch but we did hear it. That is an amazing place that if you have never been it’s a must see for a concert. It was one of the best vacations i have ever had. No plans just flying by the seat of our pants. I can’t wait for the next time!





Day 518 I just didn’t care

30 06 2014

There are times in your life that your proud of things you do and I am that for my past weekend. I used to be a control freak and a planner. When my plans didn’t go as planned I would get angry and think less of my self. After 4 years of change I have learned that I control very little so just go with it.  This weekend was a guys weekend. My buddy Jim and I went to Western Kansas so he could show me where he grew up and just to get away.  There were no plans were made just let’s get the heck out of here.  In all we drove about 22 hrs on our trip. I love driving and seeing things that I have never seen.  Here are the key words from the trip. You can fill in the blanks on what you think happened.

Oreos and blizzards
Gun and fireworks
Tornado
air mattress and barn
Candy bars
Motorcycles and 4 wheelers with busted chin
Bull semen
No water pressure
Gummi bears
Red rocks amphitheater 482 stairs at 6000 elevation
Cow crap
Biting flies
Hairy armpits
Wasted hippies
Hotel manager
Transformers, 3 wasted hrs
Smells like stinky socks
Wet butt
No sleep
Weird sayings in truck stop bathroom
Tattoos
Little Debbie snack cakes
Our on probation friend jenni

I wont explain all of them and some aren’t on here but needless to say I had a blast. Friday night in Kansas we were in a tornado for about 10 secs.  I truly thought that may be the end. We slept in a barn, We got to see small town Kansas visit family  and eat at the one restaurant in the town. We rode dirt bikes and 4 wheelers  on 2000 acres and right before we were finished I busted my chin open on a jump.  Im not sure what happens if you have a medical emergency its pretty much good luck I think.  We got a wild hair and Denver was only 3 hrs away so we visited Denver. What a great City . The temps are great with no humidity and the people are so laid back. We were at our hotel and ran into a group of girls that said we should go to the wide-spread panic concert at Red Rock Amphitheater. Red Rock is a Bucket list item. We got to the show but didn’t get to watch but we did hear it. That is an amazing place that if you have never been it’s a must see for a concert. It was one of the best vacations i have ever had. No plans just flying by the seat of our pants. I can’t wait for the next time!





Day 75 Get your guard up

16 03 2013

All good things come to an end and tomorrow we go home.  We have had a blast and enjoyed the beach twice while here. It was so cold though and not good for the man parts. So many things we got to do and so much more we will do in the future.  When you get out of the ordinary you get to see how much your kids change and wonder why you can’t see it in our everyday life. I learned about my daughter. She is one of the most witty and kind-hearted kids I have ever met. She will help anyone and then say the most off the wall statement.

I had my first coaching session today. ITs amazing what a different perspective  will do. The things others can see or hear. I hope in two months I hope I will know in two months where or what I should be doing. Thanks Jennifer L. for passing along the referral

Growing up when my dad taught me how to fight he always said keep your guard up and never drop up. Once you get into a fight and drop your guard you know why  it freaking hurts and bad. I ve had stitches, black eye and broken noses. I had to try it myself and learn that when you drop your guard it’s really going to hurt. Take that into life and I m not talking about  a fist fight but fighting another person hurting you in an emotional way. I believe this about keeping your guard up It means you keep your emotions and inner feelings to yourself and you don’t share them.
If you keep your guard up it means you’re not letting someone in because you’re afraid they might hurt you. We are going to hurt each other. You hope not on purpose but its going to happen. So what do you do? Do you leave your guard up and let something amazing pass you buy or drop the guard and just see. Its worth the pain? What if it doesn’t work. What if it does. I m ready for whatever beating I might take but I m more ready to let 15 years of my wall disappear. You can’t find true love, or happiness without the chance.
We find this most with love. We have all been screwed over and our heart-broken and I promise that if we don’t drop our guard we will never get what God has designed for us. So if you feel this is for you. Drop your guard please!








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