Day 1488 This is why you change -866 Days and counting

20 03 2017

Hello People. 92 degrees in Texas I know its the first day of spring but Summer decided to wave hi first. I’m so thankful to have this outlet to be able to share me. I know some thinks it’s a weird way to do it but that’s okay because I know I’m weird. I’m embrace it!

I’m a single man again. Never thought I would be here again but life threw   me a huge upper cut when  my mom died. I became numb and couldn’t even fake it some days. The blended family was also a huge problem that until you’re living there is no way to know how to handle it. So in the journey again with a different path. I really need to find a path and stay on it 🙂

I’m not a glass half full, or half empty I’m just thankful something is in my glass. So writing this please know The days I get I’m so thankful for but I’m here to help so this is real talk.

Since I moved out of my old house with my ex-wife almost 5 years ago. I have missed 866 days of my kids lives. Yes that means I’ve had them for 866 days and I promise I’ve done my best to make all of that time matter. You don’t have to mess up the time like I did. We all know when something isn’t right with ourselves and our relationship. You ignore it or just say that’s the way it is then your left listening to your kids grow up on phone.

866 days of their life I missed. thank God I fought for joint custody but its hard to have your kids come home and they truly changes. The first 2 days my son is here he calls me mom, they don’t feel close, they don’t communicate as much and then its Sunday and just the time of us seems like its gone because we have to get ready for school. I learn about their day  by asking questions right before bedtime. When I want to do something with them that only comes around once a year I can’t. My flesh and blood is missing. I know I will find them but I can never get those days back. Hello, I love you, thank you sounds different on the phone.

Like I said earlier, realize a few things:. we are all screwed up, we all have a hurt, habit, or hang-up, we all have a past. Some worse than others, we had someone break us down, break our heart, we all medicate our pain some how. So you’re never alone. Never. You don’t know what I’ve done Tyler, but I know someone who has. The thing is we can’t live there anymore because living “their” allows someone else to raise your kids, and just have voice memories to carry you through.

Find your weakness, absorb, accept it, and get help, counseling, recovery group, just a voice to listen. Anyone that sits on an island by themselves will drown every time. I believe in Jesus Christ so I go there but find something. Nothing  is worse than losing everything because I said said,  I don’t know what to do. There are options everywhere. Its pride and ego that will steal your life and soul. It doesn’t have to be that way. reach out to me, do something because you are worth it and those beautiful children are too. You can drink, dope, and yell your life away but you can’t get back what you destroyed.

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Day 958 My son cried on his birthday

11 09 2015

When you’re a parent the moments you think wow I did a good job are few and far between. I’ve  always been super hard on myself and now I’ve learned to be humble I rarely say anything good about me. Its just feels weird. Most of my close friends would tell you that I should try to give myself a bit of credit. Well  I spent years of taking from life it’s just better to give back and be quite. I have learned though its good to give God what he deserves so here is one of those moments.

B birthday 1 B birthday 2 B birthday 3

yesterday my son turned 7. I remember that we found out we were pregnant it was one of the toughest times in my life. I never appreciated him the way I should. I had lost my dad a few years before, I had just kicked my best friend out of my life and I was a mess with a capital M. I was excited that he was coming but I was like oh no another kid to screw up, I hope he doesn’t become me, what do I teach him. Will he see through my crap, and  a laundry list of other stuff that was just a bunch of lies. I truly have forgotten many of his early years I was so self-absorbed in me. I have pictures that help remind me but really that’s it. If you follow my blog you know the day I attempted suicide that when I got home I made a promise to be the best father I could be and would become.  So to get on to yesterday: I spoiled him no doubt but that’s my job, parent, teach, and spoil, rinse and repeat. My family came up they spoiled him too and he got Pokeman cards, wrestling cards, a football, a wrestler, cloths, legos, a video game and Disney Infinity Three with the Yoda figurine for the game. I would explain Infinity but just google it. It’s a video game system. We went through all the presents and saved the Infinity system for last because that’s wheat he wanted the most. I teased him and told him that he had too much other stuff so he didn’t get Infinity and we just needed to be grateful. ( I only did that because my parents did it to me). We get to last 2 presents and he opens the figure then I think he realized the next present was the infinity system. He yelled Oh my Gosh daddy then he comes over and gives me the tightest hug he has ever given me. If you see the pictures above. He started crying  while hugging me and said: Daddy I didn’t deserve all of this, your such a good daddy. He cried for at least three minutes. I told him how proud I was of him, that he did deserve it, that I was thankful to be his daddy, and he was an amazing little boy. I just held him because I didn’t want that moment to end. If you see the other pics the football he smiled and the other pic shows the tears in his eyes with his Infinity.

When something like that happens I can look at all the bad I had done in my past or I can look at the here and now. My amazing family, my beautiful loving teenage daughter and my son. That was so humbled at 7 that he said that he didn’t deserve the gift and he’s sensitive enough to know its okay to cry in front of others. No matter my mistakes who I am today is what matters. The past helped shape me but my today is what makes me. I know when I pray everyday for my kids and ask God to give me wisdom. He has heard my prayers and now allows me to speak the correct words and not mine.  So yes I’m giving myself credit today. The most important job for a man is to raise his kids. If I or we don’t the world will and that leads to Rock Bottom.
To the smartest, funniest, most loving, hugging, wittiest boy I know, I love you Brayden Wood. Big thank you to my sister for snapping the photos and caring so much for us.





Day 958 My son cried on his birthday

10 09 2015

When you’re a parent the moments you think wow I did a good job are few and far between. I’ve  always been super hard on myself and now I’ve learned to be humble I rarely say anything good about me. Its just feels weird. Most of my close friends would tell you that I should try to give myself a bit of credit. Well  I spent years of taking from life it’s just better to give back and be quite. I have learned though its good to give God what he deserves so here is one of those moments.

B birthday 1 B birthday 2 B birthday 3

yesterday my son turned 7. I remember that we found out we were pregnant it was one of the toughest times in my life. I never appreciated him the way I should. I had lost my dad a few years before, I had just kicked my best friend out of my life and I was a mess with a capital M. I was excited that he was coming but I was like oh no another kid to screw up, I hope he doesn’t become me, what do I teach him. Will he see through my crap, and  a laundry list of other stuff that was just a bunch of lies. I truly have forgotten many of his early years I was so self-absorbed in me. I have pictures that help remind me but really that’s it. If you follow my blog you know the day I attempted suicide that when I got home I made a promise to be the best father I could be and would become.  So to get on to yesterday: I spoiled him no doubt but that’s my job, parent, teach, and spoil, rinse and repeat. My family came up they spoiled him too and he got Pokeman cards, wrestling cards, a football, a wrestler, cloths, legos, a video game and Disney Infinity Three with the Yoda figurine for the game. I would explain Infinity but just google it. It’s a video game system. We went through all the presents and saved the Infinity system for last because that’s wheat he wanted the most. I teased him and told him that he had too much other stuff so he didn’t get Infinity and we just needed to be grateful. ( I only did that because my parents did it to me). We get to last 2 presents and he opens the figure then I think he realized the next present was the infinity system. He yelled Oh my Gosh daddy then he comes over and gives me the tightest hug he has ever given me. If you see the pictures above. He started crying  while hugging me and said: Daddy I didn’t deserve all of this, your such a good daddy. He cried for at least three minutes. I told him how proud I was of him, that he did deserve it, that I was thankful to be his daddy, and he was an amazing little boy. I just held him because I didn’t want that moment to end. If you see the other pics the football he smiled and the other pic shows the tears in his eyes with his Infinity.

When something like that happens I can look at all the bad I had done in my past or I can look at the here and now. My amazing family, my beautiful loving teenage daughter and my son. That was so humbled at 7 that he said that he didn’t deserve the gift and he’s sensitive enough to know its okay to cry in front of others. No matter my mistakes who I am today is what matters. The past helped shape me but my today is what makes me. I know when I pray everyday for my kids and ask God to give me wisdom. He has heard my prayers and now allows me to speak the correct words and not mine.  So yes I’m giving myself credit today. The most important job for a man is to raise his kids. If I or we don’t the world will and that leads to Rock Bottom.
To the smartest, funniest, most loving, hugging, wittiest boy I know, I love you Brayden Wood. Big thank you to my sister for snapping the photos and caring so much for us.





Day 800 Why God Why

5 04 2015

Happy Easter! It was a great day for so many people. The best part is watching families get back together and celebrate. Lucky for me I had my babies we were so busy but had so much fun! My kids wound up with money from Easter egg hunting. I think our generation got screwed because I don’t remember money or tasty candy we had hard-boiled eggs that smelled like farts and candy that was harder than concrete. Also the Easter bunnies back then were creepy. They all had mange or some  disease that hadn’t been discovered.  Anyway sorry for the rant lol.

There is no greater peace for me than getting my babies for my week. On this Easter weekend I’m reminded that Jesus died for my sorry butt that I could have the chance to be a real father not just a guy who helped make babies. It’s never to late to start over no matter what u have done. I’m just thankful I’m here and my babies have an active father.

I was the worst  and still sometimes ask Why God why. Why for my past but today it’s why can’t a hear your voice more clearly, why can’t I find my purpose, why is my career so confusing, why can’t I find love and blah blah blah. I have heard these 3 things by 4 different people, why can’t I follow through, Why  does God always do this to me, why am I destined to fail, why do bad things always happen to me. Well after years of pain stacking research and lots of practice. Why God Why leads to we are just plain dumb and make some really horrible decisions. Do you think that a lot of the decisions we make on a daily basis that God would make them. No but he gave us free will. Thats a whole other blog. We do things based on fear, failure, other people and just our stubbornness to have to be right. Sometimes we do not make stupid decisions  one but two and maybe three times.  If we actually followed what God said and put on our heart we wouldn’t but saying why God why but thank you. I love watch people always say My life is so good and God is good because they got a job, or found true love, or got  a house but take each one of those thing sand they lose it or it’s not showing up and it’s why God why are you doing this to me. Maybe you shouldn’t quit that job or got fired because you mouth wouldn’t be quiet, or that house you blew your money on things you couldn’t afford and can’t pay your house payment. I’m sorry if you don’t pay your bills you lose your house, or I cheated on that person and they want to leave me now. Umm yeah treat people like crap and you get crap back.

Past month I’ve truly struggled with the why’s but now I’m blaming me. I know my heart and mind and I tend to lean on me because I’ve always worked it out. ( That was sarcasm folks) Doesn’t mean I don’t struggle or question God. People have told me you should never question God. If you really believe that because I didn’t voice God didn’t hear it you’re not getting it. Question God and having struggle creates conversation with God and that’s all he wants. Why God why should be I’m sorry Im dumb sometimes and make bad decisions but help me lean on you an don’t me. So rather than blaming God look at you and ask yourself would God make that decision or did I just drop the ball again. The answer your searching for you already know go with God he hasn’t been wrong yet!





Fay 750 Faith or Control

16 02 2015

It’s a blessing and a curse to have joint custody of your children after divorce. The blessings are too many to count but the hardest is when I get them back I have actually seen them change. Not only physically but mentally and emotional. I get my kids back on Fridays and seeing my daughter had a 7th grade Valentine dance. When I saw her in her dress I couldn’t believe that it was her but it was like looking at what I thought she would look like in the future. I’m just thankful I can see her and my son as much as I do but its tough watching them grow up and I’m not there.

Faith or control? Which one are you and if 100% of people were truthful we are all about the control. Faith- Faith is defined as confidence or trust in a being, object, living organism, deity, view, or in the doctrines or teachings of a religion, as well as confidence based on some degree of warrant. It can also be belief that is not based on proof. The word faith is often used as a synonym for hope, for trust, or for belief. Control-Toexercise authoritative or dominating influence over. 

The question to me is why. Faith you cannot see. Control you can. You can make someone do something and you control that situation or you perceive you do. Faith is letting go and not many of us a real good at that. I was the worlds worst control freak and we all know that control freaks control nothing no matter how much we want to believe we do. We can’t make someone love us, we can’t make problems go away, we can’t solve addiction, we cant  control people decisions at work. No matter the best plans ever put together Gods plan is what it is and that’s the bottom line. My favorite saying is that if you want to make God laugh tell him your plans. If your plans are based on your control and not your faith then your plans will fail. You may get what you want but in the long run it winds up turning into sour grapes.

My whole life was like this: God its  11 I’m going to lunch and Ill be back at 1. If you don’t accomplish what I need by then  Ill take over. I mean I’ve always taken care of the way it was supposed to go (sarcasm). Here is a great example from this past week. I needed my sub contractors  to finish building a fence for a house were building. I set it up and even called the sub Wednesday morning to make sure he was going to be there. I had taken control  and we were golden. Well long story short the sub I talked to died in a car accident Wednesday morning, I was sad for him but I was also upset because now the fence wasn’t going to be  get finished which then would push back the closing and so on and so forth. What wound up happening is that the inspector that was supposed to be there the next day couldn’t make it and the customer and to push back the closing a day. It worked out the way it should. My control I put on it did nothing. Faith would say the only thing I can do is my part and the rest has nothing to do with me. Every morning we wake up once we hit the alarm the only thing we control if were allowed to wake up is hitting the alarm to go off and getting out of bed. After that its a crap shoot no matter how organized, put together or what a great planner you are. It’s easy to think we can control our kids, our life, and everything it. I know some great parents that I’ve patterned myself after and guess what their kids fell of the wagon. Not because the parents were  but because we don’t control our kids once they leave the house. We all that all american couple and because they tried to control the spouse they pushed them further away. In your life when someone tries to control you how do you feel and your like I don’t think so sucker.

My closet friend Jim said about me on my trip back from California that you seemed not to give a crap. That you were so care free with your decisions. My response. I lacked faith. God allowed me with my free will to control my life and with it, hit rock bottom,  I burned so many bridges, lost my best friend, lost my business, filed bankruptcy, lost my marriage, my home and essentially everything I thought I controlled. You see how well that turned out.  The last three years I’m LEARNING that God will handle it if I allow him with my walk of faith. I may not like his plan but his plan has worked out every-time. I really wound up liking it in the end and all I did was give up my control which I truly sucked at. You cannot see faith  but I promise if you follow faith you will be standing  exactly where you wanted to be.  So I expect all of you to read this or I wont blog tomorrow! (Get it)





Fay 750 Faith or Control

15 02 2015

It’s a blessing and a curse to have joint custody of your children after divorce. The blessings are too many to count but the hardest is when I get them back I have actually seen them change. Not only physically but mentally and emotional. I get my kids back on Fridays and seeing my daughter had a 7th grade Valentine dance. When I saw her in her dress I couldn’t believe that it was her but it was like looking at what I thought she would look like in the future. I’m just thankful I can see her and my son as much as I do but its tough watching them grow up and I’m not there.

Faith or control? Which one are you and if 100% of people were truthful we are all about the control. Faith- Faith is defined as confidence or trust in a being, object, living organism, deity, view, or in the doctrines or teachings of a religion, as well as confidence based on some degree of warrant. It can also be belief that is not based on proof. The word faith is often used as a synonym for hope, for trust, or for belief. Control-To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over. 

The question to me is why. Faith you cannot see. Control you can. You can make someone do something and you control that situation or you perceive you do. Faith is letting go and not many of us a real good at that. I was the worlds worst control freak and we all know that control freaks control nothing no matter how much we want to believe we do. We can’t make someone love us, we can’t make problems go away, we can’t solve addiction, we cant  control people decisions at work. No matter the best plans ever put together Gods plan is what it is and that’s the bottom line. My favorite saying is that if you want to make God laugh tell him your plans. If your plans are based on your control and not your faith then your plans will fail. You may get what you want but in the long run it winds up turning into sour grapes.

My whole life was like this: God its  11 I’m going to lunch and Ill be back at 1. If you don’t accomplish what I need by then  Ill take over. I mean I’ve always taken care of the way it was supposed to go (sarcasm). Here is a great example from this past week. I needed my sub contractors  to finish building a fence for a house were building. I set it up and even called the sub Wednesday morning to make sure he was going to be there. I had taken control  and we were golden. Well long story short the sub I talked to died in a car accident Wednesday morning, I was sad for him but I was also upset because now the fence wasn’t going to be  get finished which then would push back the closing and so on and so forth. What wound up happening is that the inspector that was supposed to be there the next day couldn’t make it and the customer and to push back the closing a day. It worked out the way it should. My control I put on it did nothing. Faith would say the only thing I can do is my part and the rest has nothing to do with me. Every morning we wake up once we hit the alarm the only thing we control if were allowed to wake up is hitting the alarm to go off and getting out of bed. After that its a crap shoot no matter how organized, put together or what a great planner you are. It’s easy to think we can control our kids, our life, and everything it. I know some great parents that I’ve patterned myself after and guess what their kids fell of the wagon. Not because the parents were  but because we don’t control our kids once they leave the house. We all that all american couple and because they tried to control the spouse they pushed them further away. In your life when someone tries to control you how do you feel and your like I don’t think so sucker.

My closet friend Jim said about me on my trip back from California that you seemed not to give a crap. That you were so care free with your decisions. My response. I lacked faith. God allowed me with my free will to control my life and with it, hit rock bottom,  I burned so many bridges, lost my best friend, lost my business, filed bankruptcy, lost my marriage, my home and essentially everything I thought I controlled. You see how well that turned out.  The last three years I’m LEARNING that God will handle it if I allow him with my walk of faith. I may not like his plan but his plan has worked out every-time. I really wound up liking it in the end and all I did was give up my control which I truly sucked at. You cannot see faith  but I promise if you follow faith you will be standing  exactly where you wanted to be.  So I expect all of you to read this or I wont blog tomorrow! (Get it)





Day 683 what did you say the last time you talked to him

10 12 2014

Watching and listening to children grow and believe in themselves is truly an awe-inspiring experience. Last night I went to my daughters Christmas Choir concert. She did amazing and she sounds better than in September. Just watching them all look more confident and listening to Silent night made me so happy. If we blink we miss it so I kept my eyes open last night.

I mentioned in my last blog I was on a Christian radio show in Denver Colorado the past two nights. It went amazing and I was so thankful for the opportunity to share my testimony and how the redemption was happening now. I had many friends and others I had no idea about tune in and listen but the one person that tuned in and made me nervous was my mom. She had never heard my testimony and never really knew my past and things that came with that. I wasn’t embarrassed because I’m past that point but I was nervous for her because I didn’t want her to blame herself for my stupidity.Like any good mom she did blame herself but was very open to what happened and was very proud of where I was and the courage I had to talk about my missteps. We talked about many things and truthfully I was emotionally spent and ready to get off the phone then she asked me a question I really wasn’t ready for.  What did you and your dad talk about the last time you talked to him before he died. I gulped, why do you ask mom? She said your dad said it was between you and him and that’s where it needed to stay. I sat there silent and she said are you still there? Yes mom I just haven’t opened that box in a long time. I told her that he apologized to me for the way he treated you, that he was so sorry that he gave up on himself, he made me promise that no matter what I did to protect and serve your sister and mom, that he was so happy the day I was born, to make sure to have another child and he would be a boy, and he wished that he was half the man I had become. At that moment I started crying telling my mom and then I stopped. To this day and it will probably stay quiet within me until I can tell my son there are 3 other things that are best left between my dad and I. My mom doesn’t need to know because she wouldn’t understand and I guess its my treasure that I can continue to unwrap in my mind until its time to present it to my son. No matter what happened between my dad and I he left me with a lifetime memory and thought. I appreciate that talk we had so much more that I forgave him and now I hear what he was telling me. That was the last time I talked to my dad and one week later he slipped into a coma and I never saw him alive again. So is there a point to  this blog. Forgiveness allows you to see things in the light they were meant. It allows your heart to open and love moments that only come along once.  I’m following what he asked of me to the very best I can. He was right have another child and he was a boy, serve and protect your mom and sister and I’m doing my best with that. Mostly what I’m doing is loving my dad more than I ever have.








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