Day 1523 Who are you when the door closes

26 04 2017

It was 76 degrees at 9:00 am this morning. At 12:00 it was 61 and now its 52 with a low of 45. Friday it will 90. I can’t change my underwear as fast at the weather changes in the beautiful state of Texas.  If you’ve never been to Texas make sure to get some BBQ and Mexican food it may give you gas but its worth it I promise!

I hate surprises when it comes to people. I would rather you be yourself from jump than pretend to be someone you’re not. I would never ask you to be like me and just put yourself out there from the get go. If you know me I’ll say just about anything, I volunteer information you probably didn’t want to know, I’ll let you know my faults, Ill tell a joke that might cause you to gasp, if the moment calls to cry with you I can and will, if you need me to defend you, I might lose my crap and get angry. I’ve been told and asked do you try to scare people away  before they get to know you? No I just want you to get to know me sooner than later. If you don’t like me you can move on and not waste time or say this is someone I want in my life forever. I want real! In any friendship or relationship there’s always a probationary period 1 month to 9 months. You kind of get a pass but we are who we are. What do you think is going to happen when people see the real you? I mean really think  about it if you become the bride or groom of chucky after 6 months do you think your relationship is going to flourish.

I have friends right now that long relationships are ending for the following, they were a drinker and hid it, one guy had kids that he never said anything about, another a porn addiction, one she sniffs markers when her kids go got school and passes out but gets up in enough time to still be mom and get the house ready. Another had an anger problem and she never knew he had until the first time she questioned him.  When you go home and close the door who knows that person.

Do you allow people to see the real you or do you put on a show? Do you exhaust yourself so much trying to prove you’re a great Christian, or mom, dad, friend but when you get home all hell breaks loose. The door closes behind you and your Halloween costume comes on. Being real is rare. I don’t have many friends, lots of people who claim to be friend but I have heard you are like nobody I’ve ever met. I always say thank you I wear that proudly. I tried to be a famous actor, and put my Halloween costume  on for people. It drove me to the point to try to take my life. I hope never again. I want you to like me but if you don’t its okay too. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea but I might be the best cup of tea you’ve had.

PS: Your closet door is open:)

 

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Day 950 What I would have told myself yesterday

3 09 2015

It’s that time of when the air starts to get crisp and the leaves are staring to change. You can feel the people starting to get in a better mood because its getting cooler. Then you realize you live in Texas and today I got a sunburn on the top of my head because I was standing outside for 10 minutes. Im sure people thought it was a BBQ but no my head. Im ready for it to get cooler and also starting eating and drinking more pumpkin stuff. My man card might just have lost points but Im willing to take that chance.

Ont thing I do a lot of is reflect. It might be a conversation, a text, the way I reacted, my thoughts at that moment, why I didn’t do something or I did. I’m always trying to be better than I was when the alarm went off that day. Some days Im a miserable failure on being better and some days actually proud of myself. If you know me that’s something I’ve struggle with my whole life. If I was a fighter in his prime I’m Muhammad Ali the way I beat myself up. It’s a blessing and curse because you always hold yourself to a higher standard but also I never give myself a break. So today I did a reflecting on the past year of my life. Its the new school year and Im only 39 days away from being 40 Yikes!!!  So why not. Why do you get angry at the smallest thing sometimes, you do realize that the 99 problems you built up in your head actually the only one you had was yourself. Why do you go to church on Sunday, sit by yourself and then leave early. I guess Jesus left the building so you thought you were on his level.  Why do you neglect texts from people all they wanted to know is how you’re doing. They probably actually cared. Y I know you push a lot of people out of your life because your afraid of them but you should be proud of the few you allowed to stay.. Every time you speak to a group of total strangers and pour your heart out you are doing something great. Somebody walks away with something and if you don’t believe that God knows. The messages you post to Facebook to help encourage or offer hope you should heed those same messages. You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to tell everyone how horrible you were in your past. They want to know your story but who you are now is who and what they like and be comfortable in it. You can’t save everyone but you know 3 you have. You’re doing your part stop and be happy about those. Every time you knew you should have said yes but said no I hoped you learned from that.  I know you think have no clue what to do with a teenage daughter but when she kisses your forehead and says she loves you  that she really does.  When you did for yourself or went somewhere you wanted to go did you ever regret it. The answer is no and its okay to take care of yourself too. When you get by uself and you  cry that’s God just getting cleanse yourself so you can see what you forget. You are not broken anymore, your glued back and your beautiful. Yes dad is so proud of you. Mom believes that you kept your promise that you made to your dad that you would take care of her and your sister. Finally you’re a really good man, worthy of the most love, patience, grace and hope from another. Every morning you tell yourself that because as flawed and broken as you are and were you’re an  example and very few can wake up every morning and say that.

This blog was for me to go back and read when I forget about who I am. I’m sharing it with you because I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. Thank you for always reading and being supportive.





Day 950 What I would have told myself yesterday

2 09 2015

It’s that time of when the air starts to get crisp and the leaves are staring to change. You can feel the people starting to get in a better mood because its getting cooler. Then you realize you live in Texas and today I got a sunburn on the top of my head because I was standing outside for 10 minutes. Im sure people thought it was a BBQ but no my head. Im ready for it to get cooler and also starting eating and drinking more pumpkin stuff. My man card might just have lost points but Im willing to take that chance.

Ont thing I do a lot of is reflect. It might be a conversation, a text, the way I reacted, my thoughts at that moment, why I didn’t do something or I did. I’m always trying to be better than I was when the alarm went off that day. Some days Im a miserable failure on being better and some days actually proud of myself. If you know me that’s something I’ve struggle with my whole life. If I was a fighter in his prime I’m Muhammad Ali the way I beat myself up. It’s a blessing and curse because you always hold yourself to a higher standard but also I never give myself a break. So today I did a reflecting on the past year of my life. Its the new school year and Im only 39 days away from being 40 Yikes!!!  So why not. Why do you get angry at the smallest thing sometimes, you do realize that the 99 problems you built up in your head actually the only one you had was yourself. Why do you go to church on Sunday, sit by yourself and then leave early. I guess Jesus left the building so you thought you were on his level.  Why do you neglect texts from people all they wanted to know is how you’re doing. They probably actually cared. Y I know you push a lot of people out of your life because your afraid of them but you should be proud of the few you allowed to stay.. Every time you speak to a group of total strangers and pour your heart out you are doing something great. Somebody walks away with something and if you don’t believe that God knows. The messages you post to Facebook to help encourage or offer hope you should heed those same messages. You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to tell everyone how horrible you were in your past. They want to know your story but who you are now is who and what they like and be comfortable in it. You can’t save everyone but you know 3 you have. You’re doing your part stop and be happy about those. Every time you knew you should have said yes but said no I hoped you learned from that.  I know you think have no clue what to do with a teenage daughter but when she kisses your forehead and says she loves you  that she really does.  When you did for yourself or went somewhere you wanted to go did you ever regret it. The answer is no and its okay to take care of yourself too. When you get by uself and you  cry that’s God just getting cleanse yourself so you can see what you forget. You are not broken anymore, your glued back and your beautiful. Yes dad is so proud of you. Mom believes that you kept your promise that you made to your dad that you would take care of her and your sister. Finally you’re a really good man, worthy of the most love, patience, grace and hope from another. Every morning you tell yourself that because as flawed and broken as you are and were you’re an  example and very few can wake up every morning and say that.

This blog was for me to go back and read when I forget about who I am. I’m sharing it with you because I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. Thank you for always reading and being supportive.





Day 850 Can we rid the family of this curse

26 05 2015

We are still getting rain. Many places I like to go are under water and will be until of the middle of July. The rain can move on but at least everything is green. The only good thing is people are staying in so if you’re trying to do things you can get a front row seat.  Also I’m so proud that One year ago yesterday I was baptized by a great friend Brian Hackney. Lord only knows that it hasn’t been easy and the silent battles have hurt but I’m here and better for it. I couldn’t be more thankful for the path I have chosen to listen to and follow which is not my own. It’s never easy but worth it.

Have you heard or do you every say. My family is jinxed, nothing ever goes right for my family. I grew up that way. In mainstream now its called generational or family curses. It’s a mindset that will ruin your life and it does carry down from one generation to the next. The reason why is what you believe is what will come true. Here are the things I’m talking about: idolatry,  sexual sins, drugs and addictions (often even alcohol and pain killers are thought necessary to be “confessed”), believing Satan’s lies too easily, fearfulness, unbelief and skepticism, deceit and dishonesty, pride, rebellion, anger, wishing for death (for oneself or for others), violent acts, vulgar and abusive language, bad musical tastes etc. (I took that actual list from a web page which recommends ).  I bet if we look at our families some of the things slipped down to us and we can’t help. We teach our kids by words but truly the only thing they learn from is action. Here’s an example: In my home growing up we argued, yelled and sometimes threw things.  I know all unhealthy but it’s how we rolled. I get married to someone where they got mad and just ignored each other and 6 weeks later it blew. Both ways are wrong and they say  never go to bed mad but I didn’t I said my peace but she never did. When she got mad I had forgotten already what she was mad about. The cures of how you fight or argue is carried down. Or how many of know someone who their parent was an alcoholic and your friend said I will never be an alcoholic but because what they were taught in action they became an alcoholic. Whatever you want to call it a curse, a jinx things get passed down good or bad. When you say not me yes you to. They can be crippling and if the curse isn’t broken it will continue to the end of time so what do we do………

First of all you have to realize the devil is here to steal, kill and destroy you. He’s good at it to. He can make you believe the actual crap that you truly know is false. First this is God’s battle and not yours. You can break it but you first have to admit it. This is actually true for anything in life. You admit it your chances of repair it can actually take place. Once you know your battle you can take it to God and feel like hey I can connect with God on this. You have to stop blaming other people for what you do. It doesn’t matter what you saw or continue to see. The  only person responsible for you is you. People argue this with me all the time. It doesn’t matter what anybody does to you how you speak and react to the situation is all on you.  We all know right from wrong. You do right you get right you do wrong etc… You have to forgive whoever passed down the curse in your mind, and then get some help to get the thoughts out and start working on erasing them. This is the hard part but the most rewarding. I still have those demons but I can at least recognize them and start working on what it does to my mind. Never give up hope and never think your weird or different. I mean were all weird (especially this guy) but everything can be changed if you want it to be.





Day 850 Can we rid the family of this curse

25 05 2015

We are still getting rain. Many places I like to go are under water and will be until of the middle of July. The rain can move on but at least everything is green. The only good thing is people are staying in so if you’re trying to do things you can get a front row seat.  Also I’m so proud that One year ago yesterday I was baptized by a great friend Brian Hackney. Lord only knows that it hasn’t been easy and the silent battles have hurt but I’m here and better for it. I couldn’t be more thankful for the path I have chosen to listen to and follow which is not my own. It’s never easy but worth it.

Have you heard or do you every say. My family is jinxed, nothing ever goes right for my family. I grew up that way. In mainstream now its called generational or family curses. It’s a mindset that will ruin your life and it does carry down from one generation to the next. The reason why is what you believe is what will come true. Here are the things I’m talking about: idolatry,  sexual sins, drugs and addictions (often even alcohol and pain killers are thought necessary to be “confessed”), believing Satan’s lies too easily, fearfulness, unbelief and skepticism, deceit and dishonesty, pride, rebellion, anger, wishing for death (for oneself or for others), violent acts, vulgar and abusive language, bad musical tastes etc. (I took that actual list from a web page which recommends ).  I bet if we look at our families some of the things slipped down to us and we can’t help. We teach our kids by words but truly the only thing they learn from is action. Here’s an example: In my home growing up we argued, yelled and sometimes threw things.  I know all unhealthy but it’s how we rolled. I get married to someone where they got mad and just ignored each other and 6 weeks later it blew. Both ways are wrong and they say  never go to bed mad but I didn’t I said my peace but she never did. When she got mad I had forgotten already what she was mad about. The cures of how you fight or argue is carried down. Or how many of know someone who their parent was an alcoholic and your friend said I will never be an alcoholic but because what they were taught in action they became an alcoholic. Whatever you want to call it a curse, a jinx things get passed down good or bad. When you say not me yes you to. They can be crippling and if the curse isn’t broken it will continue to the end of time so what do we do………

First of all you have to realize the devil is here to steal, kill and destroy you. He’s good at it to. He can make you believe the actual crap that you truly know is false. First this is God’s battle and not yours. You can break it but you first have to admit it. This is actually true for anything in life. You admit it your chances of repair it can actually take place. Once you know your battle you can take it to God and feel like hey I can connect with God on this. You have to stop blaming other people for what you do. It doesn’t matter what you saw or continue to see. The  only person responsible for you is you. People argue this with me all the time. It doesn’t matter what anybody does to you how you speak and react to the situation is all on you.  We all know right from wrong. You do right you get right you do wrong etc… You have to forgive whoever passed down the curse in your mind, and then get some help to get the thoughts out and start working on erasing them. This is the hard part but the most rewarding. I still have those demons but I can at least recognize them and start working on what it does to my mind. Never give up hope and never think your weird or different. I mean were all weird (especially this guy) but everything can be changed if you want it to be.

 





Day 725 How do you know you’ll be good after divorce

22 01 2015

I’m not sure how you can live in a state your whole life or just move here from another state and your allergies get horrible. My eyes look like I’ve been high for a week. I know people new to the area that have never had an allergy and have sworn to move back away from the Texas allergies. Here’s to it being spring. Visine takes the red out?

I was having a pretty serious conversation with one of my friends today about relationships. He asked how do you know you would even be good in  a relationship after divorce. Well after a few generic reasons like I’m a different man, I’m a good dad, I’m a great lover and more blah blah. The answer came to me like a bright bright light. I wont leave you.

I think that being loyal is one of the best qualities for any person. Sure there are times you must move on from people but loyalty is such a huge key. I could have and should have left my marriage but didn’t. I believed in the vows and I promise I tried everything to fix what was broken. I did want to leave  at times but could never pull the trigger. I had to be an example for my kids and myself. There have been friendships where the other person took and took from me. I stayed and fought through it. I have taken my space or stepped away to get my mind back but I never left!  I am one of those people who you know, If I love you I’m there always and not for what benefits me.

I believe that is one thing that God put in me and I forget that part of me. Trust and loyalty i think is what all relationships can last forever on. Even when you want me to walk away because you think its best because you’re not worthy Im the one there still trying to lift and build you up.  I’m not sure if my next marriage will be successful but I do know this. I will be there for her in every way imaginable because I don’t know any other way. Any friend of  mine that I have knows that I will never leave them. If you were honest is there anything really more  you could ask of someone than  to be loyal and trusting? Here’s to a loyal second marriage.





Day 725 How do you know you’ll be good after divorce

21 01 2015

I’m not sure how you can live in a state your whole life or just move here from another state and your allergies get horrible. My eyes look like I’ve been high for a week. I know people new to the area that have never had an allergy and have sworn to move back away from the Texas allergies. Here’s to it being spring. Visine takes the red out?

I was having a pretty serious conversation with one of my friends today about relationships. He asked how do you know you would even be good in  a relationship after divorce. Well after a few generic reasons like I’m a different man, I’m a good dad, I’m a great lover and more blah blah. The answer came to me like a bright bright light. I wont leave you.

I think that being loyal is one of the best qualities for any person. Sure there are times you must move on from people but loyalty is such a huge key. I could have and should have left my marriage but didn’t. I believed in the vows and I promise I tried everything to fix what was broken. I did want to leave  at times but could never pull the trigger. I had to be an example for my kids and myself. There have been friendships where the other person took and took from me. I stayed and fought through it. I have taken my space or stepped away to get my mind back but I never left!  I am one of those people who you know, If I love you I’m there always and not for what benefits me.

I believe that is one thing that God put in me and I forget that part of me. Trust and loyalty i think is what all relationships can last forever on. Even when you want me to walk away because you think its best because you’re not worthy Im the one there still trying to lift and build you up.  I’m not sure if my next marriage will be successful but I do know this. I will be there for her in every way imaginable because I don’t know any other way. Any friend of  mine that I have knows that I will never leave them. If you were honest is there anything really more  you could ask of someone than  to be loyal and trusting? Here’s to a loyal second marriage.








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