Day 839 Is this what its like to feel loved

15 05 2015

I know what God wants me doing. I know it, feel it and its a fulfilling feeling. I got lucky to hear God and he put me in touch with people who over 2 years brought me to Rock Bottom Outreach. There is no way in my normal life I would have ever been friends with these people just through my normal walk in life. Not only do I have these amazing people in my life but I’m also allowed to share my testimony. Some people say big deal does it matter, I couldn’t do it, why do you air your dirty laundry? For those that don’t know me God gave me a gift to lead, speak and be vulnerable. When he gives you something you run with it. For me I can and will get up in front of any and everybody to share from the moment I came into the world until where I stand now and tell you how I screwed up and my story or redemption not perfection. Why do I do it, why does Rock Bottom do it because we offer hope to the weak, weary, defeated, and the ones that are ready to end their life. We need it to as a part of our journey in healing. Last night was another amazing example of when I doubt what were doing and what I’m doing that God shows up and shows out.

We spoke to a group of youth and adults in Springtown Texas at Hilltop church. When I walked in your could feel the need and I was ready. I was very emotional last night and have no idea why and asked to go last. If I wouldn’t have I would have cried my the whole time but I went last and made it. The our team rocked it with Power testimonies which each of us gets 3 minutes. Its quick but you can through a lot of life in when you’re hitting the high notes. I talk about suicide in my message. I understand it and lived. I know what its like to feel worthless, unworthy, that everything you touch turns to garbage, that life will never get better. I also know that’s a lie from the pits of hell. I tried to end my life but I got lucky and now its my turn to share and change lives. After Rock Bottom and the message we get to stay around and talk to whoever wants to talk to us. The tough part about suicide is talking about it one on one and feeling someone elses pain. Two 7th grade girls approached me and said can I talk to you about suicide. I listened intently and inside I’m dying for them. I wont tell the whole story of both but I spoke some real talk to her and then talked to the adult leadership how to help her. Sure there was teenage drama to her talk but she was serious and then the there are moments that leave you speechless. I gave both girls hugs and one girl looked at me and said is that what its like to feel loved. I stepped back and I guess she saw the confusion on my face and said the hug you just gave me. I said I hope so sweetie.  I walked away with tears running down my eyes and said thank you God. Me being open and showing I care for this girl maybe for the first time in her life felt loved.

I got in my car and said no matter what I have screwed up in my life Jesus was like carry on my good and faithful son you’re doing my work and I love you!! Thanks for reading!!

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Day 839 Is this what its like to feel loved

14 05 2015

I know what God wants me doing. I know it, feel it and its a fulfilling feeling. I got lucky to hear God and he put me in touch with people who over 2 years brought me to Rock Bottom Outreach. There is no way in my normal life I would have ever been friends with these people just through my normal walk in life. Not only do I have these amazing people in my life but I’m also allowed to share my testimony. Some people say big deal does it matter, I couldn’t do it, why do you air your dirty laundry? For those that don’t know me God gave me a gift to lead, speak and be vulnerable. When he gives you something you run with it. For me I can and will get up in front of any and everybody to share from the moment I came into the world until where I stand now and tell you how I screwed up and my story or redemption not perfection. Why do I do it, why does Rock Bottom do it because we offer hope to the weak, weary, defeated, and the ones that are ready to end their life. We need it to as a part of our journey in healing. Last night was another amazing example of when I doubt what were doing and what I’m doing that God shows up and shows out.

We spoke to a group of youth and adults in Springtown Texas at Hilltop church. When I walked in your could feel the need and I was ready. I was very emotional last night and have no idea why and asked to go last. If I wouldn’t have I would have cried my the whole time but I went last and made it. The our team rocked it with Power testimonies which each of us gets 3 minutes. Its quick but you can through a lot of life in when you’re hitting the high notes. I talk about suicide in my message. I understand it and lived. I know what its like to feel worthless, unworthy, that everything you touch turns to garbage, that life will never get better. I also know that’s a lie from the pits of hell. I tried to end my life but I got lucky and now its my turn to share and change lives. After Rock Bottom and the message we get to stay around and talk to whoever wants to talk to us. The tough part about suicide is talking about it one on one and feeling someone elses pain. Two 7th grade girls approached me and said can I talk to you about suicide. I listened intently and inside I’m dying for them. I wont tell the whole story of both but I spoke some real talk to her and then talked to the adult leadership how to help her. Sure there was teenage drama to her talk but she was serious and then the there are moments that leave you speechless. I gave both girls hugs and one girl looked at me and said is that what its like to feel loved. I stepped back and I guess she saw the confusion on my face and said the hug you just gave me. I said I hope so sweetie.  I walked away with tears running down my eyes and said thank you God. Me being open and showing I care for this girl maybe for the first time in her life felt loved.

I got in my car and said no matter what I have screwed up in my life Jesus was like carry on my good and faithful son you’re doing my work and I love you!! Thanks for reading!!





Day 835 Look its the incredible hulk

10 05 2015

Happy mothers day to all of you that brought us into the world and still keep us upright. I know so many amazing mom’s but none like my mom. I appreciate her so much! She is a bad arse. To all the moms that forget how amazing you are just remember you carried another human inside of you, birthed that baby and still had the ability to remember what you needed from the grocery store! That makes you awesome!

My daughter is a teenager and I’m not sure if I feel old or feel like I need to buy so body Armour for whats coming. She had a great birthday and I’m one proud daddy of her for sure!

I never just come home on a Saturday night. I’m usually out and about but plans fell through so I headed home but before I did I stopped at BJ’s restaurant and got dessert. Sitting at the bar eating dessert a guy that used to work for me named Steven  taped me on the shoulder and said do you remember me. I said sure its been a long time but great to see you. He asked the generic questions when you talk to someone you haven’t seen a while and then he said do you remember the last time I saw you. No sorry I don’t I try not to remember a lot from that time. He said you lost your stuff in the front yard at the subs working on that job. He said you were so scary its like you became the incredible hulk but without the green guy part. He asked do you remember that now! He said I quit for that reason and do you know why you did that. I said was terribly sorry and if I could change it I would. He said you don’t have that look anymore  you seem pretty happy. I told him that once you pull the rug out from underneath you can either stay the same or change. I lost everything but I’m glad not to be the green guy anymore.

After he laughed I went to my car and asked God was that necessary to hear that tonight. I know what I did and Im trying not to be that guy anymore. I understand why. I have no idea about the collateral damage I caused around me. I knew exactly why because I needed the reminder of where I am now compared to where I was. When you walk to the bathroom mirror in the morning what do you see. Do you grab the fat around your stomach, find gray hair, push your boobs upward toward where they used to be, do you criticize every aspect of the person you see? If you do that’s what you take int the world that day, I’m ugly, I’m not worthy, nothing good ever happens to me, why would someone love me, my life will never change, I hate my job, my kids don’t love me, my spouse never did love me. That’s why I turned into the incredible hulk everyday. I still do now but maybe just once a week. You can’t walk away from that mirror with those negative thoughts going through mind and be positive about you or your surroundings. So what do you do? The crap you spewed out at the mirror you take to the world and the world sees the green guy the hulk. 5 years after seeing a guy that’s the last thoughts I left him with. 5 years and that’s the only good thing he could think.

My favorite thing about the incredible hulk is when he comes back to just being Bruce Banner they guy that isn’t angry. He seems to be loving, caring and misunderstood but okay with it. You have to find what causes you to be angry, unloved, worthless and that you will never be enough. It starts with these two things remember what God thinks and tells you in the bible and when you look in the mirror. Say something nice about yourself. What you speak about yourself is what you believe good or bad.  Try it! Just start with one thing! I know many of you that beat yourself up and if you knew how great I thought you were you would at least smile. Incredible Hulk is great on the big screen but in life he’s just a big scary green guy. I’m sorry for those I have offended in my past but now I’ll just stick to Bruce Banner!





Day 835 Look its the incredible hulk

10 05 2015

Happy mothers day to all of you that brought us into the world and still keep us upright. I know so many amazing mom’s but none like my mom. I appreciate her so much! She is a bad arse. To all the moms that forget how amazing you are just remember you carried another human inside of you, birthed that baby and still had the ability to remember what you needed from the grocery store! That makes you awesome!

My daughter is a teenager and I’m not sure if I feel old or feel like I need to buy so body Armour for whats coming. She had a great birthday and I’m one proud daddy of her for sure!

I never just come home on a Saturday night. I’m usually out and about but plans fell through so I headed home but before I did I stopped at BJ’s restaurant and got dessert. Sitting at the bar eating dessert a guy that used to work for me named Steven  taped me on the shoulder and said do you remember me. I said sure its been a long time but great to see you. He asked the generic questions when you talk to someone you haven’t seen a while and then he said do you remember the last time I saw you. No sorry I don’t I try not to remember a lot from that time. He said you lost your stuff in the front yard at the subs working on that job. He said you were so scary its like you became the incredible hulk but without the green guy part. He asked do you remember that now! He said I quit for that reason and do you know why you did that. I said was terribly sorry and if I could change it I would. He said you don’t have that look anymore  you seem pretty happy. I told him that once you pull the rug out from underneath you can either stay the same or change. I lost everything but I’m glad not to be the green guy anymore.

After he laughed I went to my car and asked God was that necessary to hear that tonight. I know what I did and Im trying not to be that guy anymore. I understand why. I have no idea about the collateral damage I caused around me. I knew exactly why because I needed the reminder of where I am now compared to where I was. When you walk to the bathroom mirror in the morning what do you see. Do you grab the fat around your stomach, find gray hair, push your boobs upward toward where they used to be, do you criticize every aspect of the person you see? If you do that’s what you take int the world that day, I’m ugly, I’m not worthy, nothing good ever happens to me, why would someone love me, my life will never change, I hate my job, my kids don’t love me, my spouse never did love me. That’s why I turned into the incredible hulk everyday. I still do now but maybe just once a week. You can’t walk away from that mirror with those negative thoughts going through mind and be positive about you or your surroundings. So what do you do? The crap you spewed out at the mirror you take to the world and the world sees the green guy the hulk. 5 years after seeing a guy that’s the last thoughts I left him with. 5 years and that’s the only good thing he could think.

My favorite thing about the incredible hulk is when he comes back to just being Bruce Banner they guy that isn’t angry. He seems to be loving, caring and misunderstood but okay with it. You have to find what causes you to be angry, unloved, worthless and that you will never be enough. It starts with these two things remember what God thinks and tells you in the bible and when you look in the mirror. Say something nice about yourself. What you speak about yourself is what you believe good or bad.  Try it! Just start with one thing! I know many of you that beat yourself up and if you knew how great I thought you were you would at least smile. Incredible Hulk is great on the big screen but in life he’s just a big scary green guy. I’m sorry for those I have offended in my past but now I’ll just stick to Bruce Banner!





Day 828 Money wont buy your soul

4 05 2015

I had an awesome with weekend with my family. We saw the new Avengers movie, had my son’s baseball game, and the went to Mayfest in Fort Worth. Today we took my mom and sister to the horse races. We did a great job of having fun and getting along. Two points for my family. This week I will also be the father to a teenager. God help us all 🙂

Money can’t live with it and can’t live without it. It brings our the best and worst in every person and including me. I know I will get some disagreement about this but it’s the trust item I know to speak on. My the standard of the people growing up we were poor but taken care. We never had extra but we had what he needed. My parents worked their butts off like so many people’s parents and things worked out great and sometimes they didn’t. Once my father became disabled we learned what poor was. Life was taken from us and we had to  learn how to go without but still our needs were met. It’s just sometimes the needs were pushed out. I knew poor and I saw my mom and dad to go without so my sister and I didn’t go with out. I could tell you so many stories about money and what we weren’t able to do but I wont. I knew how to work hard because my parents were amazing examples but I swore I would never be poor. The journey for money was one of the biggest reasons for Rock bottom. I used greed, pride, ego and any other means so YOU would think I had money. I never had enough of it. I knew what it was like not to have any. So we drove the best, had the best and when we bought we usually bought two of everything so I never felt I was doing without. The money thing I never brought  God into my money because God didn’t understand currency and why I did what I did with my money. We even tithed to church but because I thought it would give us more. Damn was I wrong about money.

Chasing the almighty dollar brought me to my knees, literally and almost ended my life. Men are about being providers and we lose the fact that doesn’t mean piles of money and stuff. It means time and love. We work so hard to reach for something that we think because we can buy it for her or our kids that shows love and time. People and family want our time and soul. MONEY WILL NEVER BUY YOUR SOUL BUT IT WILL TAKE IT FROM YOU. I know to guys right now that are about to go bankrupt and they are filthy rich in stuff which is about to be taken and they have no idea who they are. I have met some amazing people on this journey that have lost it all, have it all but they lost  their family which is our soul. Men compare one another based on car, house, trophy wife, stuff they can donate to their kids sports team, vacation, and paying for weddings and college. What we see is what they want us to see but inside they are broken, an addict, full of rage, lost and downright hopeless. I will agree having money can buy you some freedom but it doesn’t buy happiness. I tried it and I talk to men who have money and when they get real they ALL say they would give it all up to have a sense of peace.

I’ve been reading Soul Keeping by John Ortenberg. Its one of the truest depictions of our soul and how we are driven by materialism and consumerism and try to buy our happiness. What that has caused us is to neglect the eternal and most important part of ourselves and the consequences from that.IF anyone ever tells you money will make it all better. Thats a lie from the pits of hell. MONEY cannot repair a destroyed heart and soul. You can mask it but only a close, deep down, being real with God and society can you mend that soul. This blog won’t change anyone’s thinking. If you know me you know my struggles with money and my thoughts on it. 39 years of thoughts on money are hard to change in a day. What I can tell you from experience that keep trying to find fulfillment, joy and love through money and you may be reaching out me to ask how did you build your life back after your lost everything and destroyed your soul. I’ll be the first one here to help pick you up but I want to keep you from going down that path.

When my dad died if you know my story I was embarrassed of him and the things we didn’t have. Every person that spoke of him just talked about how great of a man he was, and what he did for others. Not one time did people talk about his lack of money or stuff. It opened my eyes but not enough. Today I remember almost once a week  one of his closest friends said to me. He looked at me and I think he was thinking about his immortality and said: Inside that coffin is a great man and none of this earthly crap is in their with him. Remember that Tyler he had the greatest thing any man could ask for was family intact. I didn’t listen to him and I lost my family but Im learning and Im trying to teach you that money can never buy your soul.





Day 819 People don’t impress me

24 04 2015

I had another amazing week with my kids. They are getting more trying though as my daughter is two weeks away from being a teenager  and I’m learning a new level of patience and just to be quite. It’s so hard when I never understood a grown woman’s hormones and now I have to understand a 12 year old’s. There is a better chance I may find a real life leprechaun.

All people are good and bad. All of us. We have all done stupid things and my level is worse than many but there are people who have  out done me 3 times over. We all put people on a pedestal and we should never and I mean never do that. The moment you do we will disappoint you. Most of the time not on purpose but because we all have fear, anger, doubt, apprehension, lack of belief and faith etc..  We think because people write a great blog, book, or they’re a pastor, great athlete, movie star, CEO that it makes them not human. Now I laugh when I see someone high-profile make a mistake and you hear, I just can’t believe they did that, I knew them my whole life and never thought, there a role model, look how many people respect them. I then ask when did they give up the title of a broken un-perfect human. Why do we hold these people to a different standard than we hold ourselves to. What they do is a job just like us. It maybe more high-profile and they make more money but they are still broken sinners. Sure it makes us feel better to hold them to a higher standard but its wrong and always will be. Actually people who are high-profile are subjected to more than we are in our daily lives and you can only deflect so much before it gets you. Think about the things that go on behind your closed doors and if people knew your life you would be so embarrassed but you wouldn’t want people to judge you but they will. So my point?

People don’t impress me. I have met enough of all of these high-profile people and know their just like me and possibly with more distractions of life.  I didn’t say I don’t respect what they do. Example Lebron James is an amazing basketball player I respect him for his talents but would I be surprised if he did something bad. No but I’m also not going to put him on a pedestal and talk crap about him, how could he, I never. There is nothing that anyone in the world that could do that I would be surprised by. No matter how much or how little you have we are sinners and broken. Some hide it better and some get put on the news. I just learned if I judge I will be judge. That crap of only God can judge is such BS. God is THE JUDGE but on this earth everybody is entitled to judge and we do. So rather than tear down someone who made a mistake just remember your about to make one too. Offer grace and a closed mouth and hopefully when your time of stupidity comes we will be treated the same.








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