Day 1678 What happened- is this real Mom

18 10 2017

Good afternoon peeps. It has finally cooled off and my mood is good. You can actually go outside  and not need a shower immediately. Pumpkin spice is in full roar. I think I got 87 Octane pumpkin spice gasoline yesterday. It’s good for horsepower or something.

Today my mom would have been 75 years old. I wanted something poetic or breathtaking to honor her I’m not sure this will do it. I can’t believe this is your 2nd birthday without you.

There is no shock today like last year. It has set in your gone. It is more real than I could imagine. I shed my tears today but there are more smiles too. Your impact on this word is missed but the impact on us cannot be put into words. I fight this life harder now because I know more than anything that’s what you wanted. I try everyday to make you proud and honor you by trying to be like you.

When I walked into your room that morning and saw you weren’t  breathing but peaceful I knew that you were in a much better place but we still needed you. You touched so many lives as a Grammie, teacher, friend, sister, aunt but what you did for Meagan and I could never be measured. You were my best friend, at times my punching bag, you loved me when no one else did, had a way with words that other person could, you never left my side, you had a way of getting through my stubborn head in a way nobody could.
Life has not been the same, I hear your voice in everyday life and when things get tough saying never quit. You were the most amazing creation from God. I wish today you were calling me to tell me all about the flowers we bought you and all the colors in them and smell the white diamonds perfume on you.
I know your watching us with a smile and probably cooking for everyone on your birthday because that’s who you are.
These words are not enough with tears streaming and a broken heart just know you were my everything. I love you mom and thank you.
Happy birthday Billie Louise Wood.

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Day 1629 Let’s run away

20 08 2017
School has started and I have a 10th grader and a 3rd grader. Either I’m getting old or time is passing to fast.  I know that seeing them grow up is a great feeling. Parenting is tough though. My Lord where is the manual?
We all want to run away.  Some people actually run they pack up, sell their home, and go somewhere that it will be”different”. Some people put on headphones and actually run hoping at the end of the mileage “its gone”. Some just get in the car and drive with no destination in site. Hoping when they return “its gone”. We spend hours, tears, new jobs, money, relationships, trying  to see if we can make sure “its gone”.
“Its gone” is us. Pastor TD  Jakes  says run from the garbage and people etc.. Run to what you want, problem is we usually run from the things we don’t want, not to what we do want.
I get people sending me things all the time and I was sent this:

There is no such thing as taking the right road, every time, but the road you take can turn into one you’re meant to be on. You choose whether to ‘stop’ along the way or keep going. Imperfection is part of everyone and is a part of decision making in life. Don’t let that mountain you’re traveling on crumble on top of you so that you can’t get back up. When that first rock falls, start to run and keep running until you are out of harm’s way. Stay away from the rubble.
What I take from this is that we have to be okay being imperfect! We cant run from that. We all want to be perfect and when we don’t lets run away. Now don’t get me wrong running away to break routine and getting a fresh thought is great but we have to run back.
My dad used to tell me when I was in high school that no matter where you go,  even the other end of the earth, everything will be the same because you are there. You can’t run away from you. Once the new of a person or area wheres off the person in the mirror is still you.
So run away but turn right back around because before you go trying to find this magic happiness and fulfillment stand in place and fix what is here. Then run but do it for fun quit trying to escape you because you are really great. I promise.




Day 1149 Im finally in an amazing realtionship

28 03 2016

Yesterday was the first big holiday without my mom. It was very different and she was missed terribly. Flashbacks of her being there, eating, laughing telling me if I didn’t use my manners she was going to shove an Easter egg down my throat and make me like it.
I would do anything to have her back, tell her I love her, and have her hug me one more time. Yesterday was just another day to remember how amazing she was and how she made everything so special.
A big thank you to my sister Meagan Wood for cooking like mom would have, but the bad part it was on time which would have never happened with my mom.

For almost 25 years I’ve been searching for someone to love ME. Not what I can do for them, or what my potential was but for me. I knew what I was capable of and for most of the relationships I was pretty decent in loving and showing love. I was broken and made a lot of wrong turns but now I made a change in my life and knew what I could be as a boyfriend and a future husband. I was ready to give up, from blind dates, to people I knew from my past, to dating websites I was ready to throw in the towel. Being a daddy, a warrior for God, speaker, and working I had accepted that I wasn’t going to find anyone else. In July of last year I saw a girl I thought was pretty sent her a message and then we started talking. She was in Austin so I thought it was just going to be something where I passed the time. We talked a lot and I was dating a few women here and there. I finally decided to go meet her. I drove down during the week thought I was crazy because I was going to get back so late for work the next day. Based on all the things I wanted in a woman she was it but we know that we all put on a good show when we meet. After dinner we were sitting there and she put her arm around my arm, 2 points for her. Physical touch is my love language, so she was a head of the game. She looked at me like nobody ever had and I wondered why.

When I left I thought I really needed to see her again but didn’t know when I was going to “TRY” again. I kept trying and we became closer and closer. Still the whole time I did everything I could to push her away. Not because I didn’t want her but because I was afraid. I mean I already said I was good being single the rest of my life and how could anyone possibly love me. She didn’t budge. I knew she thought about leaving but she has something I never had and that she was loyal. We told me from our first date that she thought that I was incredible. She hasn’t stopped since. I’m weird, I’m different, I march to the beat of my own drum, but I’m also loving, caring, a giver, loyal, a man’s man, a great father and she’s helped show me that. My mom, sister, kids, and my close friends thought she was great but for some reason I couldn’t get over me. The day before my mom died we had a serious conversation and I thought it might be over , and the next day my mom died. She got here as quick as she could. Like anyone else she had no idea what to do so she was there. Through my tears, my stories, my laughs, my deepest fears, and the hardest thing that had happened to me. I had always said before If I  ever stayed with someone forever again I had to know what she was like when shit hit the fan. Well lets just say she bought the best toilet paper and wiped it clean lol.

She had grown closer to my kids, Rock Bottom Outreach, God and me. When I think of what I wanted in woman, mother and lover she exceeds those expectations. There will never be another woman like my mom but Stephanie Lemburg is following closely. About 3 weeks ago God and I had one of our one on ones. I asked that he lets my heart accept all of her and let my heart fall truly, madly , deeply in love. God spoke to me and said don’t let her go for any reason and Tyler you deserve this woman its time to let go of your junk.

I have done that and I couldn’t be happier. Sure we have the ups and downs of getting to know one another but at the end of the day I’m not worried about her walking out on me. There may not be a better feeling for a 40-year-old man to know the love of a loyal woman and that she’s even on my side when she’s about ready to hit me with a hammer.

AS my journey changes Im glad to walk it with Stephanie. I love you Stephanie and thank you.

 





Day 1005 I finally own a home again

28 10 2015

The roller coaster of life is something that we all struggle with. The highs are so great and when we start the downhill we can do nothing to stop it. If you followed my blog you know August 2011 I attempted suicide, I had lost my dad, my business, filed personal and business bankruptcy, found out I had diabetes, lost my marriage, car. dignity, pride, friends, ego. I was at Rock bottom and truthfully nowhere to go. June 2012 I moved out of my house. Essentially every major life event took place in that house. You can see the memories, feel them, smell them and feel them course through your veins. The first home I bought, I brought my children home to this., all the firsts of life were there. I’ll never forget that I asked my buddy Lew to wait in the moving truck while I said my goodbyes. I looked around touched some walls, look at the trees I planted in the backyard, went and opened the doors to my kids rooms for one last time. I started crying because I had no idea how I would ever own a home again. Blood, sweat, tears, every human emotion I had experienced was in the that house and I was walking out of it for the last time. I wiped the tears off my face said goodbye and thank you. My buddy Lew just said its alright man! Not much more I could say.

I moved into an apartment with the emptiness of feelings. My kids had to share a room, my dog had no yard and I was left with something that wasn’t mine. AS the months went by I started being thankful for what I did have. I started repairing myself and slowly stopped beating myself up for the mistakes. Then in 2014 I went and started the home buying process. I was told you had been self-employed and you didn’t make enough, you had bankruptcy and you needed to get rid of some debt. I was devastated and thought I guess this will never happen. My faith was tested and I lost. I had asked God and his answer was no. It was just no for a bit! In May of this year I dropped my pride and ego and asked someone help me. That they did and the pieces started falling into place. I wanted to be back out close to where my first house was so my kids surroundings would be the same. I looked at 8 houses and nothing made sense. The house I really wanted was so over priced I sad maybe next year. 5 weeks ago I drove past the house and the sign was still in the yard. I called my Realtor and asked her to look at the house and said contract fell through and  it had been overpriced. I looked the next day and made an offer. 2 days of negotiating and the offer was accepted. Then the hard part getting the mortgage done. To say it was a challenge would be an understatement, with divorce, bankruptcy, self-employed etc.. but it was done.

Last Friday at 2:00 I became a homeowner again. I sat in my car and the tears of joy, happiness, a life left behind all came falling out of my eyes. I was relieved, ecstatic, but mostly thankful. Thankful that God restores people like me. A world-class loser, who had lost everything, who gave up on himself, who was ready to quit and end it all. God saw me for who I am, when I wanted to quit on this journey and the person came along to say the right thing at the right time. If your reading this I’m a story of someone who was ashes and from those ashes God lifted me up and he said are you ready to follow me now. I had no choice. If you don’t believe in hope or that there is a God I’m living proof. It has not ever been easy but as I always say its been worth it.  Best thing now is I get to mow my yard again and clean up dog poop which actually makes me pretty happy that I can.

Thank you to the people that helped me. Your part of my journey have been so appreciated.





Day 982 This just needs to be easy

6 10 2015

Had an amazing time yesterday at the State fair of Texas. Its rides, games, car show, animals and so much fried food you become a can of grease. I highly recommend you go and try a bit of it all. Its proof that we as a human race can still be creative and bloated.  I think the fried Frito pie was my favorite and the friend Oreo for desert. Well here’s to another year off of my life.

If you listen to people and conversations a lot they really aren’t they different especially when it comes to being easy. Why can’t this just be easy, why do I have to learn the hard way. If it was just easy I wouldn’t do it again. Heres a good piece of advice. Whatever in your life is easy, leaves easy and we never learn from it being easy. Go ahead I’m waiting. Please tell me what in your life that you learned from that was easy. Or tell me when something came so easy also how easy it left you. We learn through our pain and perseverance. If I could just win the lottery. Those that win 88% of them are bankrupt in 5 years. You have to have some money and lose it so you learn to appreciate it. You have to never have had any money so when you get it maybe you learn to keep it. I didn’t learn how to become a good parent because I was one. I learned from being a horrible parent, it was hard and then I learned.

When we beat someone in whatever sport and it was easy I didn’t learn anything except how to be fat and sassy. It was when the rug was pulled out from me, or I made a mistake, or we took another team to light and we got beat. It’s in the midst or pain, blood, and tears that we learn that life is hard but we learn to overcome. When we learn that life is never going to hand us something and if it does run because that’s a poison dart.

I got asked Thursday night how did you get close to God. Honestly I took credit for all the good and blamed God for all the bad. I essentially gave God my middle finger. When it was easy was because I worked for it and I deserved it. When things were hard I blamed God. Since he always knows best he knew that I was too stubborn to have something easy given to me and I would screw it up. So he let me have my free will until it got so hard I had no choice but to learn the hard way.

Easy come, easy go! I’ve learned through the pain and sad to stay I still do but I’m getting a little wiser. I think age and my heart, mind and body remember the pain. Don’t ask for it to be easy, ask God to teach you the lesson necessary so you don’t repeat or that’s exactly what we will do.





Day 982 This just needs to be easy

5 10 2015

Had an amazing time yesterday at the State fair of Texas. Its rides, games, car show, animals and so much fried food you become a can of grease. I highly recommend you go and try a bit of it all. Its proof that we as a human race can still be creative and bloated.  I think the fried Frito pie was my favorite and the friend Oreo for desert. Well here’s to another year off of my life.

If you listen to people and conversations a lot they really aren’t they different especially when it comes to being easy. Why can’t this just be easy, why do I have to learn the hard way. If it was just easy I wouldn’t do it again. Heres a good piece of advice. Whatever in your life is easy, leaves easy and we never learn from it being easy. Go ahead I’m waiting. Please tell me what in your life that you learned from that was easy. Or tell me when something came so easy also how easy it left you. We learn through our pain and perseverance. If I could just win the lottery. Those that win 88% of them are bankrupt in 5 years. You have to have some money and lose it so you learn to appreciate it. You have to never have had any money so when you get it maybe you learn to keep it. I didn’t learn how to become a good parent because I was one. I learned from being a horrible parent, it was hard and then I learned.

When we beat someone in whatever sport and it was easy I didn’t learn anything except how to be fat and sassy. It was when the rug was pulled out from me, or I made a mistake, or we took another team to light and we got beat. It’s in the midst or pain, blood, and tears that we learn that life is hard but we learn to overcome. When we learn that life is never going to hand us something and if it does run because that’s a poison dart.

I got asked Thursday night how did you get close to God. Honestly I took credit for all the good and blamed God for all the bad. I essentially gave God my middle finger. When it was easy was because I worked for it and I deserved it. When things were hard I blamed God. Since he always knows best he knew that I was too stubborn to have something easy given to me and I would screw it up. So he let me have my free will until it got so hard I had no choice but to learn the hard way.

Easy come, easy go! I’ve learned through the pain and sad to stay I still do but I’m getting a little wiser. I think age and my heart, mind and body remember the pain. Don’t ask for it to be easy, ask God to teach you the lesson necessary so you don’t repeat or that’s exactly what we will do.





Day 881 This is really hard sometimes

25 06 2015

My buddy Jim and I went to the Texas Rangers game last night for dollar hot-dog night. I was so pumped to eat so many hot dogs I threw up. Well I’m sad to report that I ate 3. Yep only three it’s just a sign Im getting old and hot dog are not what I imagined them to be. Rangers lost 8-2 and I laughed a bunch and that’s all that matters..

I can speak for the people close to me and my family within Rock Bottom life is a journey. Some of it has been simply amazing, the day I was married, the day my daughter and son were laid in my arms the first time, the day I got my first job out of college, when my dad said he was proud of me, when my daughter said I could stop apologizing and she was proud of me. Those are just a few of the great moments in my life but like I said its a journey. I spent more of my life in the valley, grabbing a hold of rocks and slipping down the hill, left in my own tears, watching them lower my father into the ground, telling my kids we were getting a divorce, finding out my mom had Parkinson’s, walking out of the courthouse the day of my divorce, pulling up to the hill in Aubrey Texas to take my life. I would go back further but not to bore you. Many days I wake up having no clue what I’m doing or why I’m doing it. I just trust that I’m hearing God right and let him guide me because when I followed my own way I feel into a pit and sometimes I do still. Sometimes when I hot publish on this blog, I know my trolls are about to attack. I know when I speak or post on my Facebook page Im going to get good and bad. When I speak on the radio some person is not going to agree and the verbal and personal jabs are going to hurt. Then comes yesterday!

I posted the following yesterday: Show a man his failures without Jesus, and the result will be found in a roadside gutter. Give a man religion without reminding him of his filth, and the result will be arrogance in a three-piece suit. But get the two in the same heart – get sin to meet Savior and Savior to meet sin – and the result might just be another Pharisee turned preacher who sets the world on fire.
Max Lucado
Romans 10:9-10 (NASU)
That if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation.

Two people who I have been friends with over 30 years began an onslaught of things from my past: You’re a lying fool, I remember when you pulled a gun, when you passed drugs to someone, when you beat up that guy, etc.. He pulled all my past and then stated your “Jesus” didn’t save your marriage  or the things that went with it, like your dad, your business etc.. He said I listened to your radio show on Monday and just laughed you and everyone with Rock bottom are just a bunch of attention seeking whores that are just going to hurt more than you help. I didn’t say much more than you must be trying to find something because you listened to the show and you follow me closer than most. I said I all I can do is pray for you and love. He said no need I wont be a part of your crap anymore. 30 minutes later A girl I “dated” on and off for 2 years from high school to college texted me and I got the same words essentially.  She left me these words do remember what you did to me how many more did it happen to or now. It’s like they were talking over coffee and said let’s get this SOB. That they did!

So what did it do? It made me question me more than I ever have. Yes I know it’s not the truth and its two broken people trying to attack someone in a place they can’t be right now. Very true they know my past garbage but I’m not that man anymore. I know Im not perfect and Im not trying to be. God didn’t say don’t sin, he said confess your sins. Rick with Rock bottom and I talk often how we are held to a standard of perfection and we will never be able to do that. When we don’t I promise I beat myself up enough. I am convicted now and that’s better than I ever was. Jesus walked the earth and was lied about, ridicule, and eventually they beat the crap out of him , poked holes in his body and hung him to die. So why would I think I should be treated any different? I don’t, it’s just really hard sometimes when your trying to live your life right and then you get beaten down so bad.

I know what I signed up for. I would never change any of it. I wish I could make everyone I know that I hurt that I was sorry and they believed it but that’s not on me. I have said all I can say. I ask you this: If you have people in your life that are trying to better themselves please stop beating them over the head with their past. They know much better than you how they screwed up. Give them a chance to show you and listen to them be Jesus to you because it maybe the only Jesus you see in an earthly form. If what they are saying to you indirectly or directly is affecting you it might be time to listen.

Please don’t feel sorry for me I have enough warriors on my side to get me through my journey but if this bothers you and it upsets you, I always have room for more on my journey…








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