Day 1594 She said I was plankton

16 07 2017

Hello from the 2nd coming of hell from the heat called North Texas. Ill stop complaining but its gross. I love to shower but you cant wash this heat off. Come by and visit me sometime if your from the north I’ll show you how to start a fire off your skin.

My friend Angela sent me a message the other day and said your plankton. you go to the light and bring it back to dark and share. I asked her is that good? She said yes you need to watch  a video she posted from Sadie Robertson from Duck Dynasty. Said she talked about plankton and I immediately came to her mind. I told her I had been called a lot of things in my life but that was a first. She said your one of those people  who share their light with others. So i had to watch the video because the only plankton I knew was from sponge bob.

A plankton is: Plankton (singular plankter) are a diverse group of organisms that live in the water column of large bodies of water and that cannot swim against a current. They provide a crucial source of food to many large aquatic organisms, such as fish and whales. The name plankton is derived from the Greek adjective πλαγκτός (planktos), meaning errant, and by extension “wanderer” or “drifter.

So at this time Im like well I kinda suck,  wanderer, cant swim, a drifter, and things eat me but I continued to listen. Im a floater now. Plankton start at the bottom of the dark ocean and float their way to the top to receive  light (photosynthesis) once it receives the light it goes back down to the darkest part of the ocean to provide 90% of the oceans photosynthesis which in turns provides 50% of the worlds oxygen. So it starts at the bottom of the ocean and goes to the light to bring it back to those things that need it.

So I stopped and thought that’s the best compliment I have ever been given. Truly it is. I have been in the deepest darkest places. I have walked with the devil for a long time, I manipulated life and those around me, I lied to get what I wanted, but truly all I wanted was to receive the light and had no idea how to get there. When I went to take my life there were 2 options take my life or receive the light. Receiving the light is not easy. Its not walking into a room and flipping the switch. Its one, stop believing the lies we have told our self for years, cleaning out the people around us, and then believing what God says about us without say but, . It took me 36 years to get to the point so I can’t expect to receive all the light in one day. What I hope through my texts, messages, blog, speaking, Facebook and Instagram posts is one person take my garbage that I’m real about and says if this guy can do it I can to. I try everyday to go to the light and bring it to those who need it because in all honesty I hate for anyone to feel the way I did or do.

So I wear the title of Plankton as an honor. Some days floating around knowing that someone is going to use me a a source and bring oxygen to them that they may not have had before. I hope I can continue bringing light to you and if I haven’t maybe I will drift into  you shortly and help you just when you need it. LOVE YOU

 

 

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Day 261 The Reason

25 09 2013

This day is the reason I’m probably still here. Two years ago today I started counseling it was also the first time in my life I hit my knees and begged God please either take my life or take every bit of this life from me.  The marital problems were the worst and I had no idea who the heck I was. I realized how imperfect, I wished I hadn’t done so many things to her and to myself,  and my poor children.

Do you realize how much of a hell you have to be in to ask God please take my life. It felt like the world was spinning around me and everybody elses life was so great and only I was the worst thing in the world. You ever prayed and got up or opened your eyes and said well that was pointless.  I wanted to knock on God’s door and say hey did you forget about me? I know different now. No matter what was ever told to you life is never what was expected or told to us and we have to find it on our path.

Running or being scared to take a step is not what this life is about. It’s also not lying, putting up a front, or faking until you make it. when someone says how are you, you say “I’m good!” what you really want to say is please hug me or tell me I’m okay. Tell me I’m good and I matter. If you can get people to be honest the crap that people walk around with is such a living hell! I say all of this to say:

2 years later I could never be more thankful for asking God to take my life or take this life from me. I’m no where close to where I’m going to be but I’m pretty darn cool and I can see a light that I thought was extinguished. When I finally quit trying to take control I was able to live.

Today with the help I received I was able to at least get a friend where she needs to be so her life can start again. She goes into medical Detox tomorrow and then in around 5 days she will get freed from the living hell and start rebuilding.  I know its scary and she has no faith she can do it, but I am here in whatever way because doing this alone sucks! Please listen and extend a helping hand to those around you they need it. Almost everyone didn’t know my hell and seemed so surprised!

 





Day 261 The Reason

24 09 2013

This day is the reason I’m probably still here. Two years ago today I started counseling it was also the first time in my life I hit my knees and begged God please either take my life or take every bit of this life from me.  The marital problems were the worst and I had no idea who the heck I was. I realized how imperfect, I wished I hadn’t done so many things to her and to myself,  and my poor children.

Do you realize how much of a hell you have to be in to ask God please take my life. It felt like the world was spinning around me and everybody elses life was so great and only I was the worst thing in the world. You ever prayed and got up or opened your eyes and said well that was pointless.  I wanted to knock on God’s door and say hey did you forget about me? I know different now. No matter what was ever told to you life is never what was expected or told to us and we have to find it on our path.

Running or being scared to take a step is not what this life is about. It’s also not lying, putting up a front, or faking until you make it. when someone says how are you, you say “I’m good!” what you really want to say is please hug me or tell me I’m okay. Tell me I’m good and I matter. If you can get people to be honest the crap that people walk around with is such a living hell! I say all of this to say:

2 years later I could never be more thankful for asking God to take my life or take this life from me. I’m no where close to where I’m going to be but I’m pretty darn cool and I can see a light that I thought was extinguished. When I finally quit trying to take control I was able to life.

Today with the help I received I was able to at least get a friend where she needs to be so her life can start again. She goes into medical Detox tomorrow and then in around 5 days she will get freed from the living hell and start rebuilding.  I know its scary and she has no faith she can do it, but I am here in whatever way because doing this alone sucks! Please listen and extend a helping hand to those around you they need it. Almost everyone didn’t know my hell and seemed so surprised!

 








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