Day 933 You only live once

17 08 2015

Good morning from San Francisco CA. Going from 100 to 73 degrees is a great reprieve . My buddy Jim and I on a whim decided we want to see some baseball and just picked San Francisco a couple of weeks ago. I missed my first event with Rock Bottom Outreach since I became a part which really bothered me but after talking to me peeps and looking at pictures it was another amazing event.  We went to the game last night and it was the Giants and Nationals. Giants won 12-6 It was the coolest sports experience of my life and I mean that. The atmosphere was electric, everybody was decked out in gear even babies, the food was amazing, theirs not a bad seat in the stadium. The stadium sits right on the pacific ocean its breath-taking to leave your seats and oh look the ocean. San Francisco was in a heat wave yesterday it reached 84 degrees, but the sun goes down and in the middle of the game its 65 with the ocean breeze. I never knew this but everyone was friendly and seemed genuinely happy. Jim and I both are very outgoing and everyone we struck up conversations with spoke back or joked back.

Every year in January we have new years resolutions. I make goals no more than three and really strive to make them work. On the 28th of December another friend Jason got in my grill a bit about living my life. He said I know you have always been guilty about buying yourself things and doing things for yourself but you have to stop. you have paid your penance to life, your friends and family. Who you were and where you were is no more its time to do for you. I really struggled with this a lot. If I do or get anything for myself I feel real guilt. I feel I’m taking from my kids or somebody else I could help. I really went to God and Brian in my counseling sessions about this. All I heard over and over is that I did not make this world for you not to experience it. There are so many beautiful things in my own backyard that I hadn’t done. If I was free spending money and not taking care of responsibilities that’s one thing but I’m not. I truly believe that God did not make us to wake up at 5am to go to work to get home and at night go to bed at 10 and do it all over again and not live any life. Routine is a life killer, and that has been proven time and time again. Living life is giving back to others, experiencing mountains, a beach, or just the open road. I have 4 friends that today have never seen a beach and for me that’s sad. God made beautiful things not only just because but that’s what life is about is experiences and memories. I have done some really cool servant work, seen some great concerts, went to some cool hole in the wall places, drove on the open road and in all of that God seemed more alive and well in me than when I’m just in my normal routine.

My favorite line from my favorite movie is from Shawshank Redemption, Get busy living or get busy dying! Im learning to live I’m not great at it but I’m trying. One day I will have someone to share that with me and that’s just the next piece of the puzzle. Until then were going to see Alcatraz which is ironic because a few times in my life I thought man I might be in their if my anger doesn’t change. Lucky for  me Alcatraz is closed and so it that part of my life.

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Day 933 You only live once

16 08 2015

Good morning from San Francisco CA. Going from 100 to 73 degrees is a great reprieve . My buddy Jim and I on a whim decided we want to see some baseball and just picked San Francisco a couple of weeks ago. I missed my first event with Rock Bottom Outreach since I became a part which really bothered me but after talking to me peeps and looking at pictures it was another amazing event.  We went to the game last night and it was the Giants and Nationals. Giants won 12-6 It was the coolest sports experience of my life and I mean that. The atmosphere was electric, everybody was decked out in gear even babies, the food was amazing, theirs not a bad seat in the stadium. The stadium sits right on the pacific ocean its breath-taking to leave your seats and oh look the ocean. San Francisco was in a heat wave yesterday it reached 84 degrees, but the sun goes down and in the middle of the game its 65 with the ocean breeze. I never knew this but everyone was friendly and seemed genuinely happy. Jim and I both are very outgoing and everyone we struck up conversations with spoke back or joked back.

Every year in January we have new years resolutions. I make goals no more than three and really strive to make them work. On the 28th of December another friend Jason got in my grill a bit about living my life. He said I know you have always been guilty about buying yourself things and doing things for yourself but you have to stop. you have paid your penance to life, your friends and family. Who you were and where you were is no more its time to do for you. I really struggled with this a lot. If I do or get anything for myself I feel real guilt. I feel I’m taking from my kids or somebody else I could help. I really went to God and Brian in my counseling sessions about this. All I heard over and over is that I did not make this world for you not to experience it. There are so many beautiful things in my own backyard that I hadn’t done. If I was free spending money and not taking care of responsibilities that’s one thing but I’m not. I truly believe that God did not make us to wake up at 5am to go to work to get home and at night go to bed at 10 and do it all over again and not live any life. Routine is a life killer, and that has been proven time and time again. Living life is giving back to others, experiencing mountains, a beach, or just the open road. I have 4 friends that today have never seen a beach and for me that’s sad. God made beautiful things not only just because but that’s what life is about is experiences and memories. I have done some really cool servant work, seen some great concerts, went to some cool hole in the wall places, drove on the open road and in all of that God seemed more alive and well in me than when I’m just in my normal routine.

My favorite line from my favorite movie is from Shawshank Redemption, Get busy living or get busy dying! Im learning to live I’m not great at it but I’m trying. One day I will have someone to share that with me and that’s just the next piece of the puzzle. Until then were going to see Alcatraz which is ironic because a few times in my life I thought man I might be in their if my anger doesn’t change. Lucky for  me Alcatraz is closed and so it that part of my life.





Day 824 This is what its like when someone understands you

30 04 2015

Howdy yall! I just wanted to sound like a Texan for a minute. The sun is shining and almost every lake around us is full of water which hasn’t been that way for 5 years. They are lifting water restrictions so most people are ready for the heat. I am, except the top of my head which is ready to burn and smell liked cooked bacon. Stayed tuned for further burning head debates.

I have some of the best friends,. They’re real and everyone is different but everyone  is needed to make my life where it is today. This person has been my friend for 25 years now. We took  a different path to become friends but have been able to talk about any and everything even with a 10 years of not talking much.

I don’t know anybody that wouldn’t want someone who at least trys to understand them. Sometimes they get you and sometimes even if they don’t they try really hard well this person below is that person for me. I’ve been searching for 7 weeks for the words to explain to the people who love me and you my blog reader where I am at. I saw this person Saturday spent about two hours talking and I received this last night. All I could say is wow and I teared up because they hit it on the head and said everything I couldn’t. If you want to know what its like to have someone understand you here it is for me.

New Living Translation Ecclesiastes 1:18
The greater my wisdom, the greater my grief. To increase knowledge only increases sorrow.
You are such a great speaker and dynamic and winsome that it is so easy to see you and see your facade.  Not that it is all a facade, but a facade in that you KNOW life.  You are not swayed by life’s antics and you are not faked out by what the world has to offer or what the world is promoting at the moment.  But in that, you are (in my opinion) striving to reach something different.  And in that you find discontentment in the gap between your knowledge and your desires.  Being unwilling to settle leaves you as a constant sojourner.  I think your soul is weary.  Very weary.  How else could a soul so full of vitality not be able to come up with any dreams except that it is burdened beyond capacity by the dreams themselves.  You do have dreams.  You have many, but you can’t name them.  I think you can’t name them because they are buried under the rubble of your tiredness of trying to live life to the fullest.
For days I have wanted to have a thought they made sense to me about your current “state”.  I was focusing on the fact that you can’t name a dream, but this morning I heard a sermon on Psalm 23 and it hit me!  It is not that you can’t dream, it is that you are so weary.  The man who wants to bridge the gap between this dreadful world and the world that Jesus promises.  The man who stands strong for his family, gives his heart to others, speaks to share his story, donates of his time and resources, reads, studies, prays, works, searches for love, searches for a career, carries a financial burden, carries the wreckage of his divorce,  wants a better life for his kids, wants to be there for his sister, nephew, and mom, the man who would give of his last breath is completely breathless.
So what do weary people need?  They need rest and reprieve.  I looked up Psalm 23 in several translations until I found this…
The Living Bible
2-3 He lets me rest in the meadow grass and leads me beside the quiet streams. He gives me new strength.
The Message Bible   True to your word,
you let me catch my breath
and send me in the right direction.
The Amplified Bible
2 He makes me lie down in [fresh, tender] green pastures; He leads me beside the still and restful waters.
3 He refreshes and restores my life (my self);
What if you forgot all the other promises of God and just meditated on this?  What if you let go of striving and just focused on breathing?  Maybe for a week?  It is hard to not feel the burden of your knowledge. I am not suggesting it is easy, but I feel you are drowning in such a way that you don’t even realize the depth of your breathlessness.
I don’t know the answer for you, but I want you to take in a deep breathe and just let go.  Stop reading and thinking and contemplating and striving and trying to reach others.  Just breathe…
This is my prayer for you until I get something new.  I love you too much to let you wither.  =)
That my friends is what a friend is. This took time and concern. You know who you are and for that I can’t thank you enough….. For those that care now you know where my mind is, now time to find that restful spot.





Day 713 An adventure seeking peace

9 01 2015

My best friend Jim bought me a trip to go to The Sequoia National Forest in California for birthday back in October. On Wednesday we left by car it a 23 hr drive. We decided to make a stop in Vegas For me this is something that is great for my soul. Driving is  soothing for the soul but 19 straight hours driving or riding is rough on the aging old man. BTW if you have never been to Vegas. Just go there are so many things to see here but also so many things you don’t know need to see but you need the experience. I’ll share our experiences in another blog there worth the wait.

I’ve always loved to drive and the drive. My mind clears enough for me to dump the junk and get down to what matters. On I drive like this I’ve talked to God, I’ve reflected on where I’ve been in the last two years, I talked to my dad today, I prayed for many people and let’s be honest I thought a lot about my fear, what i haven’t done, why I did something that I knew wasn’t good for me, I questioned many things and people, I looked at the magnificent creations in our world, the mountains, the desert, how they built roads through it all, the rows and rows orange trees, Hoover dam, vineyards, what it will be like to be in love again and be ready to do anything for that person. Um sure your like well that’s great and! Well I honestly went to find peace. A deep seeded peace that you can only find when you know that your okay. that the people who matter most love you, and God is smiling at who you have become. Sure I have just as many problems as anyone, maybe more difference now is that I don’t concentrate on all the bad anymore. We have two choices it’s a 50/50 split. Look for the good or look for the bad. Only 2 people know the real me and that’s okay. I’ve reserved the deep and best places for someone and it will come. I look for the good I spent 37 years always finding the bad and it got me to Rock bottom. Rock Bottom got me here and I wouldn’t change it. What is here?

For the first time in 39 years I’m at peace in my soul. My soul used to be a dirty, filthy place that everybody always wanted to be in because it was comfortable. Now very few understand me or want to be in my soul. They want what I have but wont try to do what it takes to get there and that’s okay. Your time is coming and all I ask is when you can find peace run towards not away from it. Embrace the good, embrace those want you for who you are, not what you give them and please help and give  yourself to others. When I gave up me and decided helping others is what it was about, now I’m here. My adventure trip of peace has finally come. Until later and just think we have 24 hours to drive back!!!!!





Day 380 Lost respect for my future

27 01 2014

Sometimes you need weeks to end and this was one of those! Not only that but I reflected and thought deeper this week about my life in a different light and shared things with a couple of people who I haven’t ever. Thank you Evan Sanders with The Better Man Project!  Most of the words are Evans but its like were brothers that had the same thoughts. Your words helped me so much this week, but also took me to places I thought I was done visiting.

It’s time to write this all down. In truth, I don’t regret anything. I don’t choose to live with the fear of not respecting my choices in the future. I choose to learn from them and live with them because they were rooted in love and passion and not in fear. The mistake made at 100% is never a mistake. It’s a commitment that turned south. But the bottling of the aftermath leads to sleepless nights and nightmares. I mean those crappy nightmares that even when your awake the become your daydreams that effect you because you can’t forget them.

I have woken up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat thinking about what happened. The shaking of my hands. My heart racing. The shiver up my spine. Tears rolling down my eyes reaching for something that isn’t there.

No emotion is foreign to me. What once filled a place in my heart now seems void. It may be gone, it may be present, but as it stands right now – it feels hollow and cold. The negative floats into my mind. I ponder the reasons for the pain delivered. I ask myself why. I think back to the past and try to understand. In many ways, I do understand. I remember in the beginning knowing I was dealing with lightning. Exciting, powerful, enchanting…lightning. But unharnessed lightning strikes randomly destroying life. And it did. Sharp to the heart.

And yet how can all of this pain coexist with the feeling of love. It baffles me. To lose someone, identity, family, friends, job,  to be punished, yet at the same time care so much that the heart continues to sing despite its tears. How does it even happen? How can it possibly be that way?

They both exist. The extremes. Both sides can be present in the same soul and everything in between – and that creates, often times, a storm inside that rages until peace finds its way into the depths.

The past can be haunting. The future can be intimidating. The present can cause the sensation of drowning. But at the same time the opposites exist. A wisdom filled past. An exciting future. Being present in the now. But to take it even further, there are layers to the onion besides the core and the outside. There are so many possibilities of what can be true at the same time that other realities exist.

So to feel inside that I love and suffer at the same time, as unfortunately insane as it is, really does make sense.

There is no black and white. I always wanted black and white and actually argued over it. There is more gray now than I cared to ever think about.

There are only wonderful colors and shades in between the two opposite absolutes. And when you are ready to accept the fact that you can still care, fear, shake and celebrate something or another all at the same time…well, that’s when you truly grow. We are massively complicated people. Nobody is ever one thing. You cannot attribute a single word to someone and describe them. No, you must understand the complications of the “self.” No decision, no idea, no argument, no relationship, no anything really is as painfully simple as we would like it to be – primarily for the sake of our own understanding of it.

So where does that leave me? Respect. Respecting the intricacies of life. Fact is, good and bad things will happen to you throughout your time here. But in all honesty, even the bad is layered with some good and the good is layered with some bad. Nothing is truly pure. Light is comprised of darkness and darkness always has an element of light. When you can start to see how beautifully ridiculously complicated life is, then you can live in it easier. It’s when we try to simplify everything…that’s when the mess begins. Because it’s never that simple. It’s never that black and white.

I think what I am trying to say here is this: Be fair to yourself, be fair to situations, and be fair to others. Understand that feelings, decisions, and life in general is very complicated and don’t make decisions based on absolutes. Make decisions rooted in the goodness of your heart.

 





Day 380 Lost respect for my future

26 01 2014

Sometimes you need weeks to end and this was one of those! Not only that but I reflected and thought deeper this week about my life in a different light and shared things with a couple of people who I haven’t ever. Thank you Evan Sanders with The Better Man Project!  Most of the words are Evans but its like were brothers that had the same thoughts. Your words helped me so much this week, but also took me to places I thought I was done visiting.

It’s time to write this all down. In truth, I don’t regret anything. I don’t choose to live with the fear of not respecting my choices in the future. I choose to learn from them and live with them because they were rooted in love and passion and not in fear. The mistake made at 100% is never a mistake. It’s a commitment that turned south. But the bottling of the aftermath leads to sleepless nights and nightmares. I mean those crappy nightmares that even when your awake the become your daydreams that effect you because you can’t forget them.

I have woken up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat thinking about what happened. The shaking of my hands. My heart racing. The shiver up my spine. Tears rolling down my eyes reaching for something that isn’t there.

No emotion is foreign to me. What once filled a place in my heart now seems void. It may be gone, it may be present, but as it stands right now – it feels hollow and cold. The negative floats into my mind. I ponder the reasons for the pain delivered. I ask myself why. I think back to the past and try to understand. In many ways, I do understand. I remember in the beginning knowing I was dealing with lightning. Exciting, powerful, enchanting…lightning. But unharnessed lightning strikes randomly destroying life. And it did. Sharp to the heart.

And yet how can all of this pain coexist with the feeling of love. It baffles me. To lose someone, identity, family, friends, job,  to be punished, yet at the same time care so much that the heart continues to sing despite its tears. How does it even happen? How can it possibly be that way?

They both exist. The extremes. Both sides can be present in the same soul and everything in between – and that creates, often times, a storm inside that rages until peace finds its way into the depths.

The past can be haunting. The future can be intimidating. The present can cause the sensation of drowning. But at the same time the opposites exist. A wisdom filled past. An exciting future. Being present in the now. But to take it even further, there are layers to the onion besides the core and the outside. There are so many possibilities of what can be true at the same time that other realities exist.

So to feel inside that I love and suffer at the same time, as unfortunately insane as it is, really does make sense.

There is no black and white. I always wanted black and white and actually argued over it. There is more gray now than I cared to ever think about.

There are only wonderful colors and shades in between the two opposite absolutes. And when you are ready to accept the fact that you can still care, fear, shake and celebrate something or another all at the same time…well, that’s when you truly grow. We are massively complicated people. Nobody is ever one thing. You cannot attribute a single word to someone and describe them. No, you must understand the complications of the “self.” No decision, no idea, no argument, no relationship, no anything really is as painfully simple as we would like it to be – primarily for the sake of our own understanding of it.

So where does that leave me? Respect. Respecting the intricacies of life. Fact is, good and bad things will happen to you throughout your time here. But in all honesty, even the bad is layered with some good and the good is layered with some bad. Nothing is truly pure. Light is comprised of darkness and darkness always has an element of light. When you can start to see how beautifully ridiculously complicated life is, then you can live in it easier. It’s when we try to simplify everything…that’s when the mess begins. Because it’s never that simple. It’s never that black and white.

I think what I am trying to say here is this: Be fair to yourself, be fair to situations, and be fair to others. Understand that feelings, decisions, and life in general is very complicated and don’t make decisions based on absolutes. Make decisions rooted in the goodness of your heart.

 





Day 380 Lost respect for my future

25 01 2014

Sometimes you need weeks to end and this was one of those! Not only that but I reflected and thought deeper this week about my life in a different light and shared things with a couple of people who I haven’t ever. Thank you Evan Sanders with The Better Man Project!  Most of the words are Evans but its like were brothers that had the same thoughts. Your words helped me so much this week, but also took me to places I thought I was done visiting.

It’s time to write this all down. In truth, I don’t regret anything. I don’t choose to live with the fear of not respecting my choices in the future. I choose to learn from them and live with them because they were rooted in love and passion and not in fear. The mistake made at 100% is never a mistake. It’s a commitment that turned south. But the bottling of the aftermath leads to sleepless nights and nightmares. I mean those crappy nightmares that even when your awake the become your daydreams that effect you because you can’t forget them.

I have woken up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat thinking about what happened. The shaking of my hands. My heart racing. The shiver up my spine. Tears rolling down my eyes reaching for something that isn’t there.

No emotion is foreign to me. What once filled a place in my heart now seems void. It may be gone, it may be present, but as it stands right now – it feels hollow and cold. The negative floats into my mind. I ponder the reasons for the pain delivered. I ask myself why. I think back to the past and try to understand. In many ways, I do understand. I remember in the beginning knowing I was dealing with lightning. Exciting, powerful, enchanting…lightning. But unharnessed lightning strikes randomly destroying life. And it did. Sharp to the heart.

And yet how can all of this pain coexist with the feeling of love. It baffles me. To lose someone, identity, family, friends, job,  to be punished, yet at the same time care so much that the heart continues to sing despite its tears. How does it even happen? How can it possibly be that way?

They both exist. The extremes. Both sides can be present in the same soul and everything in between – and that creates, often times, a storm inside that rages until peace finds its way into the depths.

The past can be haunting. The future can be intimidating. The present can cause the sensation of drowning. But at the same time the opposites exist. A wisdom filled past. An exciting future. Being present in the now. But to take it even further, there are layers to the onion besides the core and the outside. There are so many possibilities of what can be true at the same time that other realities exist.

So to feel inside that I love and suffer at the same time, as unfortunately insane as it is, really does make sense.

There is no black and white. I always wanted black and white and actually argued over it. There is more gray now than I cared to ever think about.

There are only wonderful colors and shades in between the two opposite absolutes. And when you are ready to accept the fact that you can still care, fear, shake and celebrate something or another all at the same time…well, that’s when you truly grow. We are massively complicated people. Nobody is ever one thing. You cannot attribute a single word to someone and describe them. No, you must understand the complications of the “self.” No decision, no idea, no argument, no relationship, no anything really is as painfully simple as we would like it to be – primarily for the sake of our own understanding of it.

So where does that leave me? Respect. Respecting the intricacies of life. Fact is, good and bad things will happen to you throughout your time here. But in all honesty, even the bad is layered with some good and the good is layered with some bad. Nothing is truly pure. Light is comprised of darkness and darkness always has an element of light. When you can start to see how beautifully ridiculously complicated life is, then you can live in it easier. It’s when we try to simplify everything…that’s when the mess begins. Because it’s never that simple. It’s never that black and white.

I think what I am trying to say here is this: Be fair to yourself, be fair to situations, and be fair to others. Understand that feelings, decisions, and life in general is very complicated and don’t make decisions based on absolutes. Make decisions rooted in the goodness of your heart.

 








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