Day 1555 My heart broke but it was about time

28 05 2017

Hello world is it me you’re looking for. Yes Lionel Richie on this Sunday because he was cool and I bond with him.  I have no thing more cool to say so on to the blog.

Have you ever seen or heard of a levee or damn that was about to break or needed to. Yes they need to break  because the only way to fix something is to watch it break open not  patch it. When it breaks open the destruction of many attempted patches and piece mealing is bad but it’s a necessary evil.  it may take years but eventually all things need to be released and new built.

It the past 2.5 years I’ve had 13 people die either who I ministered to, were an important part of my life or the worst one was my mom.  I also lost a relationship that I thought was going to be a marriage, and a few other things I’ll leave alone. You can get pretty jaded to the world and numb. Grief affects everyone differently. It could take years, to start the process, it could start immediately but first and foremost its going to happen. Nobody knows how to deal with their own grief much less yours. So they say something cliché because they are at a loss for words. The intentions are the best but they say they understand even when that can’t. So most people going through grief smile, say thank you and then live in their own personal internal hell when nobody else is around. Men are raised to be tough, hide your emotions, nose to the grind stone even when you know better you still try to be tough. For me I hate others to hurt, I would do anything to take away someone else’s pain even disguise mine like I am okay. Well…..

3 weeks ago after essentially 2.5 of years of pretending to be okay, numb, zombie like some days, angry others that I couldn’t save people or that how dare God take my mom. I smiled but didn’t feel the smile. Some days I hurt like a pain that wouldn’t go away, I would sit in the quite of my house and watch the ceiling fan spin with nothing in my mind, and other times 1000 thoughts every 30 seconds. People would ask, How are you? I would give I’m good, Im fine. What I wanted was someone to hold me, take a high-powered vacuum and suck my heart dry so I could start over but they don’t make that vacuum. I would talk to God, feel good some days others not so much. I would ask him to let me feel again. I know healing and grief is a process no matter how big or small the issue.

So 3 weeks ago I was mowing the yard, listening to music and I was like my God what is going on. I promise I was so weak I let go of the mower and hit my knees but not on purpose. My broken heart, for all the pain of life that either I tried to grieve or hadn’t,poured out on my lawn. I sat down on my butt and cried,  those tears that you wondering is this going to stop. I had so many thoughts cross my mind like those Hollywood moments where pictures flash  thorough so fast its blinding. It started the end of grieving had started. everything I hid, pushed aside, fought at or said wasn’t real spilled onto my shirt.  3 weeks I’ve cried everyday until yesterday. I feel relief but you can not grieve for 2.5 years and expect it to just go away. My heart that had been so broken for so many reasons has started the stitching and my healing is real. With that I hope I can start seeing some of the good things about myself that I miss because of the butt whoop in I put on myself.

Why write this blog: Somebody knows exactly what I feel or felt. They’ve been waiting for years or just moments to start grieving. God didn’t want us to carry this burden but he also knows we have to go through the process to heal not just band-aid the situation. Dont fight the process, it will come, in the mean time a lot can leave your life. When the heart starts breaking let the cut open and let that crap I know for me it was time.

Love you and tank you for reading always





Day 1516 Find your joy idiot

18 04 2017

Joy isn’t like happiness which is based upon happenings or whether things are going well or not. No, joy remains even amidst the suffering. Joy is not happiness. Joy is an emotion that’s acquired by the anticipation, acquisition or even the expectation of something great or wonderful. It could be described as exhilaration, delight, sheer gladness, and can result from a great success or a very beautiful or wonderful experience like a wedding or graduation but the definition of joy that the world holds is not what it should be.

I hear find your joy.  U really need to find your joy. Okay I’m an idiot I can’t find it. I thought happiness  was joy. Then I started reading what joy was. I came to the conclusion I don’t know anyone that’s joyful. I probably just pissed one of my friends off but based on the definition no. Now I know some of my friends parents who are but their at the stage that they don’t give a crap about the “important stuff”. They’ve been there done that and the t-shirt has already shrank. So I see these list 40 things to find joy.

Here are some of them: 1. Learn something new (play a new sport or game, learn how to cook a new dish). 2. Get out in nature. 3. Help someone in a small way (by carrying their groceries or paying their toll on the highway). 4.Count your blessings. 5. Spend time with your pet. 6 Laugh and smile, no matter how you’re feeling. 7.Sing out loud. 8.Connect authentically with friends and family, sharing your vulnerabilities. 9.Dance. If you can’t dance, just skip.

So I would agree with this list. I found myself being very happy in each of those but what about when Monday rolls around, or I’ve had a life event or I’m not doing one of those things. I think between 35-50 is the toughest part of being an adult. Life is complicated, hard to understand, kids are in their toughest stages. then we hit mid-life crisis.  So how do you find joy? I have no idea I’m still trying to know the difference between happiness and joy. I need to find what I like and do those things. In time joy comes from that? I think joy comes from the things that we don’t do because we think we don’t have the time, money, or dumping of fear to do so.

So something for us all to think about.  What is joy? Where do I find it? When I find it how do I keep it? More to the journey so here I go!

 





Day 867 My comfort zone stinks

11 06 2015

I get asked a lot what does the Day whatever in topic of your blog mean. Its how many days ago that I put the stake in the ground and said my life changes now. I took a 29 hour round trip to Virginia by car and it was then when you spend that much time by yourself that you either decide I can live the way I was or you change it. Its been one heck of ride so far and only God knows where its going So here’s to-day 867.

Everybody knows what a comfort zone is: Going to the same restaurant, ordering the same food, setting in the same place at church, taking the same road at church, when you go to get together always acting the same, sitting by the same people. I stopped that comfort zone stuff a while back. I’m not talking about that stuff. I’m talking about those life alternating comfort zones we stick in.

I’m talking about jobs, relationships, how we parent, how we choose to believe in faith, or not believe, and how we see ourselves. I’m getting better making my relationships with the people I love better but striking out and making more not so much. I would tell you I’m faithful but most days I still believe the same old way. I get stuck because if I stick with what I know nothing will hurt worse.

We all know that faith is not seeing but believing. I can preach it really well I just don’t follow it all the time, okay most time. I want to believe it so much but my dumb mind trash is right there telling me don’t worry your good where you’re at. 1 month ago the job I had that I wanted to quit for a year came to end. I was worried because now what and I was mad that I didn’t make the change before then. The comfort of knowing everyday what I was doing and where I was going was great, but it was also sapping the life out of me. So my buddy Jim and I talked put a plan together and 1 month from then God has opened doors and I mean opened them so wide that even the most stubborn person (me) would miss them. God just wants me to trust him. I mean my Lord I’ve gone to trying to take my life to breathing life into others just by believing that God is bigger than me. If he can do that why won’t I let him with all parts of my life. Well I still at times have little god complex because I know better. (insert a big laugh here). Im sure God slaps his forward and says really. Are you serious were doing this again and I just look up and give a cheesy smile.

The comfort zone that I haven’t got out of is relationships. Let me be honest the loneliness I feel at times is so overwhelming I feel I can’t breathe. I have put out the crappiest effort in finding someone. It’s not that I can’t, I could right now. I sit in my comfort zone that this wall I built up isn’t so bad and whoever she is will just knock it over. Well if I keep adding bricks a woman will get tired. I essentially have given up. Everyone tells me the right one will appear she may appear but if I don’t speak to her she’s going to keep walking and probably fast. Tuesday in counseling I walked out content finally. Why? I was told “just say yes” that encompasses so much in my life on so many levels but in this case it was about saying yes to a relationship. I’m not sure why the light bulb came on so strong but it did. Saying yes means that if I want my life to change that I will get out of my comfort zone and when I do life only gets better. Besides a relationship my life is pretty good, but a relationship , a true loving sacrifice by both people puts a nice bow on it.

I know this blog reaches many about your comfort zone. I know two people reading it now probably telling me to shut up Tyler I know I know.  Saying yes maybe scary but truthfully what do you have to lose. God will carry you if you allow it. Say yes and tell your comfort zone to take a hike.





Day 867 My comfort zone stinks

11 06 2015

I get asked a lot what does the Day whatever in topic of your blog mean. Its how many days ago that I put the stake in the ground and said my life changes now. I took a 29 hour round trip to Virginia by car and it was then when you spend that much time by yourself that you either decide I can live the way I was or you change it. Its been one heck of ride so far and only God knows where its going So here’s to-day 867.

Everybody knows what a comfort zone is: Going to the same restaurant, ordering the same food, setting in the same place at church, taking the same road at church, when you go to get together always acting the same, sitting by the same people. I stopped that comfort zone stuff a while back. I’m not talking about that stuff. I’m talking about those life alternating comfort zones we stick in.

I’m talking about jobs, relationships, how we parent, how we choose to believe in faith, or not believe, and how we see ourselves. I’m getting better making my relationships with the people I love better but striking out and making more not so much. I would tell you I’m faithful but most days I still believe the same old way. I get stuck because if I stick with what I know nothing will hurt worse.

We all know that faith is not seeing but believing. I can preach it really well I just don’t follow it all the time, okay most time. I want to believe it so much but my dumb mind trash is right there telling me don’t worry your good where you’re at. 1 month ago the job I had that I wanted to quit for a year came to end. I was worried because now what and I was mad that I didn’t make the change before then. The comfort of knowing everyday what I was doing and where I was going was great, but it was also sapping the life out of me. So my buddy Jim and I talked put a plan together and 1 month from then God has opened doors and I mean opened them so wide that even the most stubborn person (me) would miss them. God just wants me to trust him. I mean my Lord I’ve gone to trying to take my life to breathing life into others just by believing that God is bigger than me. If he can do that why won’t I let him with all parts of my life. Well I still at times have little god complex because I know better. (insert a big laugh here). Im sure God slaps his forward and says really. Are you serious were doing this again and I just look up and give a cheesy smile.

The comfort zone that I haven’t got out of is relationships. Let me be honest the loneliness I feel at times is so overwhelming I feel I can’t breathe. I have put out the crappiest effort in finding someone. It’s not that I can’t, I could right now. I sit in my comfort zone that this wall I built up isn’t so bad and whoever she is will just knock it over. Well if I keep adding bricks a woman will get tired. I essentially have given up. Everyone tells me the right one will appear she may appear but if I don’t speak to her she’s going to keep walking and probably fast. Tuesday in counseling I walked out content finally. Why? I was told “just say yes” that encompasses so much in my life on so many levels but in this case it was about saying yes to a relationship. I’m not sure why the light bulb came on so strong but it did. Saying yes means that if I want my life to change that I will get out of my comfort zone and when I do life only gets better. Besides a relationship my life is pretty good, but a relationship , a true loving sacrifice by both people puts a nice bow on it.

I know this blog reaches many about your comfort zone. I know two people reading it now probably telling me to shut up Tyler I know I know.  Saying yes maybe scary but truthfully what do you have to lose. God will carry you if you allow it. Say yes and tell your comfort zone to take a hike.





Day 835 Look its the incredible hulk

10 05 2015

Happy mothers day to all of you that brought us into the world and still keep us upright. I know so many amazing mom’s but none like my mom. I appreciate her so much! She is a bad arse. To all the moms that forget how amazing you are just remember you carried another human inside of you, birthed that baby and still had the ability to remember what you needed from the grocery store! That makes you awesome!

My daughter is a teenager and I’m not sure if I feel old or feel like I need to buy so body Armour for whats coming. She had a great birthday and I’m one proud daddy of her for sure!

I never just come home on a Saturday night. I’m usually out and about but plans fell through so I headed home but before I did I stopped at BJ’s restaurant and got dessert. Sitting at the bar eating dessert a guy that used to work for me named Steven  taped me on the shoulder and said do you remember me. I said sure its been a long time but great to see you. He asked the generic questions when you talk to someone you haven’t seen a while and then he said do you remember the last time I saw you. No sorry I don’t I try not to remember a lot from that time. He said you lost your stuff in the front yard at the subs working on that job. He said you were so scary its like you became the incredible hulk but without the green guy part. He asked do you remember that now! He said I quit for that reason and do you know why you did that. I said was terribly sorry and if I could change it I would. He said you don’t have that look anymore  you seem pretty happy. I told him that once you pull the rug out from underneath you can either stay the same or change. I lost everything but I’m glad not to be the green guy anymore.

After he laughed I went to my car and asked God was that necessary to hear that tonight. I know what I did and Im trying not to be that guy anymore. I understand why. I have no idea about the collateral damage I caused around me. I knew exactly why because I needed the reminder of where I am now compared to where I was. When you walk to the bathroom mirror in the morning what do you see. Do you grab the fat around your stomach, find gray hair, push your boobs upward toward where they used to be, do you criticize every aspect of the person you see? If you do that’s what you take int the world that day, I’m ugly, I’m not worthy, nothing good ever happens to me, why would someone love me, my life will never change, I hate my job, my kids don’t love me, my spouse never did love me. That’s why I turned into the incredible hulk everyday. I still do now but maybe just once a week. You can’t walk away from that mirror with those negative thoughts going through mind and be positive about you or your surroundings. So what do you do? The crap you spewed out at the mirror you take to the world and the world sees the green guy the hulk. 5 years after seeing a guy that’s the last thoughts I left him with. 5 years and that’s the only good thing he could think.

My favorite thing about the incredible hulk is when he comes back to just being Bruce Banner they guy that isn’t angry. He seems to be loving, caring and misunderstood but okay with it. You have to find what causes you to be angry, unloved, worthless and that you will never be enough. It starts with these two things remember what God thinks and tells you in the bible and when you look in the mirror. Say something nice about yourself. What you speak about yourself is what you believe good or bad.  Try it! Just start with one thing! I know many of you that beat yourself up and if you knew how great I thought you were you would at least smile. Incredible Hulk is great on the big screen but in life he’s just a big scary green guy. I’m sorry for those I have offended in my past but now I’ll just stick to Bruce Banner!





Day 835 Look its the incredible hulk

10 05 2015

Happy mothers day to all of you that brought us into the world and still keep us upright. I know so many amazing mom’s but none like my mom. I appreciate her so much! She is a bad arse. To all the moms that forget how amazing you are just remember you carried another human inside of you, birthed that baby and still had the ability to remember what you needed from the grocery store! That makes you awesome!

My daughter is a teenager and I’m not sure if I feel old or feel like I need to buy so body Armour for whats coming. She had a great birthday and I’m one proud daddy of her for sure!

I never just come home on a Saturday night. I’m usually out and about but plans fell through so I headed home but before I did I stopped at BJ’s restaurant and got dessert. Sitting at the bar eating dessert a guy that used to work for me named Steven  taped me on the shoulder and said do you remember me. I said sure its been a long time but great to see you. He asked the generic questions when you talk to someone you haven’t seen a while and then he said do you remember the last time I saw you. No sorry I don’t I try not to remember a lot from that time. He said you lost your stuff in the front yard at the subs working on that job. He said you were so scary its like you became the incredible hulk but without the green guy part. He asked do you remember that now! He said I quit for that reason and do you know why you did that. I said was terribly sorry and if I could change it I would. He said you don’t have that look anymore  you seem pretty happy. I told him that once you pull the rug out from underneath you can either stay the same or change. I lost everything but I’m glad not to be the green guy anymore.

After he laughed I went to my car and asked God was that necessary to hear that tonight. I know what I did and Im trying not to be that guy anymore. I understand why. I have no idea about the collateral damage I caused around me. I knew exactly why because I needed the reminder of where I am now compared to where I was. When you walk to the bathroom mirror in the morning what do you see. Do you grab the fat around your stomach, find gray hair, push your boobs upward toward where they used to be, do you criticize every aspect of the person you see? If you do that’s what you take int the world that day, I’m ugly, I’m not worthy, nothing good ever happens to me, why would someone love me, my life will never change, I hate my job, my kids don’t love me, my spouse never did love me. That’s why I turned into the incredible hulk everyday. I still do now but maybe just once a week. You can’t walk away from that mirror with those negative thoughts going through mind and be positive about you or your surroundings. So what do you do? The crap you spewed out at the mirror you take to the world and the world sees the green guy the hulk. 5 years after seeing a guy that’s the last thoughts I left him with. 5 years and that’s the only good thing he could think.

My favorite thing about the incredible hulk is when he comes back to just being Bruce Banner they guy that isn’t angry. He seems to be loving, caring and misunderstood but okay with it. You have to find what causes you to be angry, unloved, worthless and that you will never be enough. It starts with these two things remember what God thinks and tells you in the bible and when you look in the mirror. Say something nice about yourself. What you speak about yourself is what you believe good or bad.  Try it! Just start with one thing! I know many of you that beat yourself up and if you knew how great I thought you were you would at least smile. Incredible Hulk is great on the big screen but in life he’s just a big scary green guy. I’m sorry for those I have offended in my past but now I’ll just stick to Bruce Banner!





Day 168 Drop your type/sex

24 06 2013

Babies are back and are a hand full. Especially the one who could be Tyler Jr. I owe my mom such a huge apology for being such a butt as a child and then so cute. My son goes 100 mph and like today decided that he didn’t hear my say put your underwear in the dirty cloths, he said you said “you said to put them in the toilet and pee on them” I asked my would I say that? He said you do laundry! Oh well he made me laugh.

I learned and I’m learning that we all have a type of person that were drawn to and that is a horrible thing. yes a horrible thing and lets put one more on that makes you think  okay Tyler you have lost it. The person that you are physically attracted to the most run away from. I didn’t say you weren’t supposed to be physically attracted to just attracted to the most.

You hear someone say every guy or girl I date just doesn’t work out. I married this person and then got divorced and now Im someone else and they are just like my ex. (Clear my throat) now you’re the problem because what you are attracted to doesn’t work for you. You go after whats comfortable what  you always know and it fails you every time.

Let me give you my example: Tall, large boobs, fake, dark hair, needs me to take care of her (not enhance her) looks great in public, bitchy, looks flawless. That is what Im drawn to always have been and it has gotten me into trouble always. Now that type of person is not bad but it doesn’t work for me. Someone else could be blessed to have that but that’s my krptonite. What do you say it does. First all for me,  I see is the physical and usually don’t get past that, the fake part doesn’t allow me to see what happens when life happens, I want to take care of a women, but I want her to be independent and stand on her own feet. What if something happens to me I need that person to be confident enough in themselves to live a life without me. We should be great together or apart. There is a look of Im not approachable, don’t talk to me if you do come over and talk to me I will slap you. So I like that but that women is a killer to me. I need the opposite of those things but with a mixture of a little of each.

I hear women all the time say I only date Cowboys, athletes, nerds, drunks, guys I need to fix. So if you fit in one of those categories stop it. How has that worked for you. Try something different. When you have a type you have a “disease”

Guys, I need her to look like ABC, she to be built like this, I can’t date a lady who is a teacher,  a CEO, a manager,I can’t date a short girl, tall girl. Really how about we all look for physically attracted, honest even if its hurts, a beautiful smile, someone who will truly  accept you and not try to change you. When you get a type you always want to change that person to something that’s not your type. Are you seeing this?

Keep your mind open to someone and something new the best hing in your life could be right under your nose. If you don’t believe me the next time your out see what your attracted to and see if that’s what got you to this miserable place in a relationship.

Finally on the most physically attracted to: I have taken three relationship classes and each one said you have to be physically attracted but if you feel I must have that person and all you do is think of sex with that person then that’s all your relationship will be. When the sex dies down so does the relationship. I fought that for a while but what Im mostly physically attracted to has ALWAYS gotten me in trouble and ended in a mess. How do you know how crazy someone is if you’re having sex with them. You can’t all you see and feel is sex. You cover up what is most important. Don’t believe try it for yourself.

This is coming from a single guy that has had his heart-broken because I listen and see the wrong things.

 








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