Day 1523 Who are you when the door closes

26 04 2017

It was 76 degrees at 9:00 am this morning. At 12:00 it was 61 and now its 52 with a low of 45. Friday it will 90. I can’t change my underwear as fast at the weather changes in the beautiful state of Texas.  If you’ve never been to Texas make sure to get some BBQ and Mexican food it may give you gas but its worth it I promise!

I hate surprises when it comes to people. I would rather you be yourself from jump than pretend to be someone you’re not. I would never ask you to be like me and just put yourself out there from the get go. If you know me I’ll say just about anything, I volunteer information you probably didn’t want to know, I’ll let you know my faults, Ill tell a joke that might cause you to gasp, if the moment calls to cry with you I can and will, if you need me to defend you, I might lose my crap and get angry. I’ve been told and asked do you try to scare people away  before they get to know you? No I just want you to get to know me sooner than later. If you don’t like me you can move on and not waste time or say this is someone I want in my life forever. I want real! In any friendship or relationship there’s always a probationary period 1 month to 9 months. You kind of get a pass but we are who we are. What do you think is going to happen when people see the real you? I mean really think  about it if you become the bride or groom of chucky after 6 months do you think your relationship is going to flourish.

I have friends right now that long relationships are ending for the following, they were a drinker and hid it, one guy had kids that he never said anything about, another a porn addiction, one she sniffs markers when her kids go got school and passes out but gets up in enough time to still be mom and get the house ready. Another had an anger problem and she never knew he had until the first time she questioned him.  When you go home and close the door who knows that person.

Do you allow people to see the real you or do you put on a show? Do you exhaust yourself so much trying to prove you’re a great Christian, or mom, dad, friend but when you get home all hell breaks loose. The door closes behind you and your Halloween costume comes on. Being real is rare. I don’t have many friends, lots of people who claim to be friend but I have heard you are like nobody I’ve ever met. I always say thank you I wear that proudly. I tried to be a famous actor, and put my Halloween costume  on for people. It drove me to the point to try to take my life. I hope never again. I want you to like me but if you don’t its okay too. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea but I might be the best cup of tea you’ve had.

PS: Your closet door is open:)

 





Day 1477 Dear 30 year old Tyler Wood

9 03 2017

Life has taken so many twists and turns in the past year and half. Some I’m proud of, most I struggle to see the lesson in them but there always is. Blogging was a release for me. Nobody would understand half of the stuff that goes on in this brain of mine so I blogged. the past year I bet I only wrote 10 blogs. I’m truly going to start blogging again. Its how I release without picking up the bottle again, or creeping over to watch something I shouldn’t. I heard twice this week I really miss reading your blog so maybe they will continue to help someone or give someone something to read when their bored.

I’m going through my past and cleaning out my closet for a lack of a better term. It’s easy to go back to your closet to look at that old shirt and remember a good time in it but realize it doesn’t fit. My past is my mind not actual closet 🙂

Im writing to myself but it’s also lessons I would like to teach my two babies.

1.Find out what forgiveness is: Don’t shake your head and act like you know. You destroyed 4 different relationships because of having to have all the answers.

2. Just go dance or tell the jokes you wanted to. Take the comedy class.

3.  Stop eating eggs and drinking milk the world doesn’t need your gas any longer.

4. You stopped telling people you love them because you didn’t love yourself. They needed it no matter what you think.

5. Stop working for a trip and just take the damn trip.

6. Take the walk after dinner Im really what are you going to miss sitting on the couch.

7. Don’t ask God to show you ways to help people then when the opportunity presents itself then say that can’t be it. It was!

8. If you don’t like your job quit doing it and do what you wanted.You lost everything doing something you hated.

9. Take care of your health. I know you were invincible but it catches up to you.

10. You are not your mistakes. Try just one day not beating yourself up. Your worth it.

11. Skydive- do it twice

12. When your kids ask you to play with them stop and play. There is nothing more important than that moment. Those moments don’t come back.

13. Believe in forever no matter what happens.

14. Stop and look at the historical marker,or pet the cow or horse that you thought was beautiful on your road trip. You’ll get there. PS. Keep looking for bears one day you’ll see one.

15. Dont ever forget where you came from. If you’re looking down on someone it better be because your picking them up

16 Dont lose track of your friends. They may day and you never saw them or  spoke to them again.

17. Tell your daughter everyday how amazing, and beautiful she is if not some gross boy will.

18. Call you mom everyday. Don’t skip a day. Trust me on this!

19 Love your sister she thinks  your pretty awesome.

20. Dont think your since your son is  just like you so much he’s going to do the things you did. Thats why your teaching him.

21. Dont say something to a woman that you wouldn’t want to hear about yourself.

22. When you know you shouldn’t be driving after trying to drink your thoughts away, thank God he let you get home and don’t do it again.

23. Never stop asking why. You cant stop learning.

24. Apolgise for hurting someones feelings.

25. When you don’t think someone needs you thats when you must be there.

26. Take the word cant and replace with must!

27. When you find someone who kisses like her hang onto her.

 

 





Day 1149 Im finally in an amazing realtionship

28 03 2016

Yesterday was the first big holiday without my mom. It was very different and she was missed terribly. Flashbacks of her being there, eating, laughing telling me if I didn’t use my manners she was going to shove an Easter egg down my throat and make me like it.
I would do anything to have her back, tell her I love her, and have her hug me one more time. Yesterday was just another day to remember how amazing she was and how she made everything so special.
A big thank you to my sister Meagan Wood for cooking like mom would have, but the bad part it was on time which would have never happened with my mom.

For almost 25 years I’ve been searching for someone to love ME. Not what I can do for them, or what my potential was but for me. I knew what I was capable of and for most of the relationships I was pretty decent in loving and showing love. I was broken and made a lot of wrong turns but now I made a change in my life and knew what I could be as a boyfriend and a future husband. I was ready to give up, from blind dates, to people I knew from my past, to dating websites I was ready to throw in the towel. Being a daddy, a warrior for God, speaker, and working I had accepted that I wasn’t going to find anyone else. In July of last year I saw a girl I thought was pretty sent her a message and then we started talking. She was in Austin so I thought it was just going to be something where I passed the time. We talked a lot and I was dating a few women here and there. I finally decided to go meet her. I drove down during the week thought I was crazy because I was going to get back so late for work the next day. Based on all the things I wanted in a woman she was it but we know that we all put on a good show when we meet. After dinner we were sitting there and she put her arm around my arm, 2 points for her. Physical touch is my love language, so she was a head of the game. She looked at me like nobody ever had and I wondered why.

When I left I thought I really needed to see her again but didn’t know when I was going to “TRY” again. I kept trying and we became closer and closer. Still the whole time I did everything I could to push her away. Not because I didn’t want her but because I was afraid. I mean I already said I was good being single the rest of my life and how could anyone possibly love me. She didn’t budge. I knew she thought about leaving but she has something I never had and that she was loyal. We told me from our first date that she thought that I was incredible. She hasn’t stopped since. I’m weird, I’m different, I march to the beat of my own drum, but I’m also loving, caring, a giver, loyal, a man’s man, a great father and she’s helped show me that. My mom, sister, kids, and my close friends thought she was great but for some reason I couldn’t get over me. The day before my mom died we had a serious conversation and I thought it might be over , and the next day my mom died. She got here as quick as she could. Like anyone else she had no idea what to do so she was there. Through my tears, my stories, my laughs, my deepest fears, and the hardest thing that had happened to me. I had always said before If I  ever stayed with someone forever again I had to know what she was like when shit hit the fan. Well lets just say she bought the best toilet paper and wiped it clean lol.

She had grown closer to my kids, Rock Bottom Outreach, God and me. When I think of what I wanted in woman, mother and lover she exceeds those expectations. There will never be another woman like my mom but Stephanie Lemburg is following closely. About 3 weeks ago God and I had one of our one on ones. I asked that he lets my heart accept all of her and let my heart fall truly, madly , deeply in love. God spoke to me and said don’t let her go for any reason and Tyler you deserve this woman its time to let go of your junk.

I have done that and I couldn’t be happier. Sure we have the ups and downs of getting to know one another but at the end of the day I’m not worried about her walking out on me. There may not be a better feeling for a 40-year-old man to know the love of a loyal woman and that she’s even on my side when she’s about ready to hit me with a hammer.

AS my journey changes Im glad to walk it with Stephanie. I love you Stephanie and thank you.

 





Day 1090 Why people make the difference

24 01 2016

Tonight my sister and I got together with our kids. It was the first time all of us had been together since my mom passed. We laughed at all of my moms quirks, we were sad that this was the first time we were together as a family and the glue that kept it that way wasn’t there. As our kids shared memories dust kept flying in my eye and causing water to fall out :). AS the grieving process is almost a month old I have kept my sanity because of the people in my life.

Society and the news say all people have changed and my response is duh that’s what life is about. People are still amazing. They still take time out to check on you, send a card that was handwritten, send a message through Facebook or call you and tell you cut the crap and pour out your heart. I have friends that can compare life because it’s happened to them. People still love but I truly believe this. The more you pour out the more you give. Since I’ve spent 4  years changing my life to what God wanted which is to love the unlovable I definitely have gotten in back in my hardest time in life.

Last night driving to a concert a got a text saying please call my son and help him he’s in a bad place. That usually means relapse or suicide. I didn’t call for 2 hours because honestly I didn’t want to. I hoped the lady would understand that I was hurting and needed a break. Then I remembered in my pain people didn’t turn there back on me most never want to reach out because its uncomfortable and really what do you say?

I made the call and mostly I let the guy know somebody even a complete stranger loved him and wanted to help relief the pain.  I hung up and felt better that through my crap I cared enough to try to help and make a difference.

I say that to say this. Every person that has messaged, called, texted, mailed something ,mattered. When you take time out to offer a hello, I love you, your on my mind, it matters. You  make a difference. Loving the unlovable or loving the brokenhearted is what life is about. Don’t stop. When you have that pull at your heart, don’t let the world or your small circle beliefs keep you from blessing someone.

People are still amazing and you don’t have to search that far. Actually you probably just texted someone who is amazing.  Until next time!!





Day 753 Im not afraid to die

18 02 2015

I made the best pot roast ever last night in the Crock Pot. If they gave out the reward for single fathers who can crock pot cook Im hands down the best. I would be famous and be on the cooking channel and have my own show called single, bald and full of crock!! Pretty catchy I know. Honestly though I’m a great cook. The end.

I love how people  open up to me. I had a conversation yesterday it was very generic at first then he asked me about how I’m so happy after divorce. I said well I’m not always happy but I’m very content in the direction of my life and the biggest thing is I’m not co-Dependent anymore. I explained co- dependency and then out of no where he said do you want to die? I said good Lord no I don’t I want to die! He said so your afraid to die? I said do you understand the difference between the two? He looked at me puzzled so I explained.

I only wanted to die once in my life  it was a rock bottom and almost in the most selfish way decided to take my life. Where I am now its the last thing I would ever want to  happen. My kids need me and want me, I have a true relationship with God and Im changing lives. I have a purpose and I know I’m loved. I never want my mom to have to bury me, I want to see where and how my sister and nephew lives go. I have some of the best friends in  my life that I want to enjoy it with. So no I do want to die it never crosses my mind but Im also Im not afraid to die.

I have seen and held death twice in my arms. Once a car wreck victim, the other a friend got shot and died on the spot. I should have died twice I was stupid and put myself in two horrible situations and in every case I was afraid to die. I prayed to God please don’t take me I have more to do. You see I thought I was in control and I was telling God what he needed to do. Im sure he just slapped his forehead and shook his head and said you really don’t get it. Im in control and I decided remember Im God not you. If you fast forward to right now!

Im not afraid to die I don’t want to die but if it happens I know this: I have made amends to all of those I have wronged, I m not about me Im about helping others and changing their life if they want it. I have given my children the foundation they need and they know I love them more than anything and I would give my life for them in a snap of a finger, My mother can be proud of the man she raised, my sister and nephew know I have and will love them and given my heart and soul to my family. Those that interact with me know that he is a loving and giving soul and I believe most not all would have encouraging words about me. Finally My God knows me and my heart. Sure I screw up and do things wrong but I wont have to get to the gates and hear what in the name of me were you doing!!  The guy looked at me and said I definitely understand now and I have a lot of work to do because I’m scared sh%tless to die. He asked me to help him get there. So I will do my best.

I m not afraid of death anymore but I don’t want to die either. I hope I’m 80 and still blogging or whatever its called then but if not I’m okay with that too. Walk on my Good and faithful son.

 





Day 746 Today 10 years ago I got my wish granted… My dad died

11 02 2015

At 8:20 am 10 years ago today  father passed away. Sorry if you have heard the story before but this helps me deal with it and maybe you can get something out of it. I had never been more embarrassed, disappointed, and down right sickened by a human in my life than my dad. My dad was taking 27 pills a day to stay alive. We had brought him home from the hospital about 5 weeks earlier so he could die at home. He had a variety of things wrong with him they said he died of COPD but you could have chosen 5 or 6 other things. They had given him morphine under the tongue 2 weeks before so it had been a while since I had seen him “normal”. My problems started in life at 10 when my dad said that it was time for me to be the man of the family and I wore that with a badge of honor. It is by far the worst thing anything can put on a little boy. I truly believed in my head my dad thought I could handle the pressure and that he took a step back and started the deterioration process. It’s not like he didn’t do anything but when I was 14 he became disabled and quit. I was so pissed. I m a fighter and I don’t quit and he left my mom and I to take care of him and my sister. I know he was sick and his body was failing him but he could have tried to do something. He made me a promise that if I graduated from college that he would be there and stand for me when they called my name. Well he did that in December of 1998. It was the last time I could say I was proud of him. He was there and then had to go to the car. He had to carry an oxygen tank with him but I know that day he was proud of me. AS the years went on I saw less of him. I was embarrassed and now I know I was really pissed at him. I saw the man he was becoming, he couldn’t take care of himself at all and my mother waited on him hand over fist. September 2004 I started my own business. I will never forget that day he said “( I m so proud you had the courage to do something I wouldn’t) I remember mumbling to myself yeah You could have and he wouldn’t have been so damn poor.

August 2004 my dad got the words you only have 6-9 months left to live. He started the I m sorry and started to bear his soul. He apologized to my mom and I heard  his words he was sorry and my mom waited 34 years to hear those words. He apologized to my sister and requested that she do a few things which she agreed. He then started his process with me. It took a full 5.5 months to get it all out. I learned things about him that I never knew. He was a great card player, a real sharp dresser. He owned bowling alleys and restaurants, he played with his close friend Buddy Holly in his band and some other things that I will keep to myself. At first I was so happy to hear all of this and then I became bitter that he would wait until he was gone and couldn’t do anything about it. His last words that he said to me were son I wish I was half the man you had become. It was the most powerful thing I have ever heard but it should have been me saying that to him.

The last time I saw my dad alive was February 4th 2005. They got him out of bed and sat him in his chair. He had no idea we were there but he did have enough to tell me he was proud of me. I sat in front of him and talked to him like nothing was wrong but knew it wouldn’t be long before he died. I left that night and hoped God would take him I wished for more than anything. He was a shell of a man, he was so sick and my mom deserved better. Thursday February 10 at 9:40 pm my mom called its time son. We had many false alarms but this time her voice said it was really happening. He asked my mom to go to the store and get him some juice. He knew what he was doing when she got back my dad was in a coma. I got there at 11:00 that night. It was the longest drive I had made from Denton to Cleburne.  I wanted to have something to say to calm everyone down when I got there but I didn’t. I gave my sister, my mom and the hospice nurse a hug and went into the bedroom. No matter how ready you think you are you’re not ready to see you parent laying there taking their last breaths . The nurse told me that he could hear me so talk to him but he wouldn’t respond. Probably since the first time since I was a baby I went in laid in my dads arm and didn’t say a word. I laid there about 2 hrs and nobody came in there. I guess they knew I needed my time. I talked to my dad about what I was doing in my business and how I struggled with being a dad and husband. I told him I was mad about him leaving me here but I would hold up to the end of the bargain of taking care of my mom and sister. I got up and let some other people who came by the house come by and pay their respects. I sat outside in the dark for about an hr. I just kept praying for God please take him. His lungs were filling with fluid so his breathing was like that of a drowning person. At 8:00 that morning his breaths became fewer and fewer. My mom and sister came and said goodbye and I laid next to him holding his hand. at 8:20 I heard his last breath. A very surreal moment happened and his warm body became cold and his spirit left. It was my last time that I had to be the man of the family with him there!!

December 7th 2011 I went to my father’s grave for the first time. I was going through counseling and all kinds of help try to find peace and that day in the cold, mud, and sleet I hit my knees at his tombstone. I told him I was sorry for all the things I said and would he please forgive me and I forgave him. At that moment I looked over my right shoulder to see who was grabbing my shoulder and it was the spirit of the Lord lifting the burden off of me that I had carried for 25 years. My life has never been the same. My life hit Rock Bottom but because of that simple act of forgiveness for a man who did the best he could with the knowledge he had I’m here today still a broken man but gluing it all back together. At the beginning of January this year took a trip to the Sequoia National Forest and saw the largest trees in the world. It was the most majestic and quite place I had ever been on earth. In the quite I heard my Father speak to me and tell me that he loved me and he was proud of me. I promise its worth the fight and struggle to get to a place of peace and forgiveness.

I thought because of the decade time frame  that it would be harder today , but today I’m very much at peace. I never thought I could get here but with God, forgiveness and a willing heart I’m so thankful for my dad today. AS I typed this out it brought back so many memories and tears dripping onto my computer but More than anything I know he’s in Heaven today pumping out his chest saying that’s my boy and I’m so proud of him.





Day 746 Today 10 years ago I got my wish granted… My dad died

11 02 2015

At 8:20 am 10 years ago today  father passed away. Sorry if you have heard the story before but this helps me deal with it and maybe you can get something out of it. I had never been more embarrassed, disappointed, and down right sickened by a human in my life than my dad. My dad was taking 27 pills a day to stay alive. We had brought him home from the hospital about 5 weeks earlier so he could die at home. He had a variety of things wrong with him they said he died of COPD but you could have chosen 5 or 6 other things. They had given him morphine under the tongue 2 weeks before so it had been a while since I had seen him “normal”. My problems started in life at 10 when my dad said that it was time for me to be the man of the family and I wore that with a badge of honor. It is by far the worst thing anything can put on a little boy. I truly believed in my head my dad thought I could handle the pressure and that he took a step back and started the deterioration process. It’s not like he didn’t do anything but when I was 14 he became disabled and quit. I was so pissed. I m a fighter and I don’t quit and he left my mom and I to take care of him and my sister. I know he was sick and his body was failing him but he could have tried to do something. He made me a promise that if I graduated from college that he would be there and stand for me when they called my name. Well he did that in December of 1998. It was the last time I could say I was proud of him. He was there and then had to go to the car. He had to carry an oxygen tank with him but I know that day he was proud of me. AS the years went on I saw less of him. I was embarrassed and now I know I was really pissed at him. I saw the man he was becoming, he couldn’t take care of himself at all and my mother waited on him hand over fist. September 2004 I started my own business. I will never forget that day he said “( I m so proud you had the courage to do something I wouldn’t) I remember mumbling to myself yeah You could have and he wouldn’t have been so damn poor.

August 2004 my dad got the words you only have 6-9 months left to live. He started the I m sorry and started to bear his soul. He apologized to my mom and I heard  his words he was sorry and my mom waited 34 years to hear those words. He apologized to my sister and requested that she do a few things which she agreed. He then started his process with me. It took a full 5.5 months to get it all out. I learned things about him that I never knew. He was a great card player, a real sharp dresser. He owned bowling alleys and restaurants, he played with his close friend Buddy Holly in his band and some other things that I will keep to myself. At first I was so happy to hear all of this and then I became bitter that he would wait until he was gone and couldn’t do anything about it. His last words that he said to me were son I wish I was half the man you had become. It was the most powerful thing I have ever heard but it should have been me saying that to him.

The last time I saw my dad alive was February 4th 2005. They got him out of bed and sat him in his chair. He had no idea we were there but he did have enough to tell me he was proud of me. I sat in front of him and talked to him like nothing was wrong but knew it wouldn’t be long before he died. I left that night and hoped God would take him I wished for more than anything. He was a shell of a man, he was so sick and my mom deserved better. Thursday February 10 at 9:40 pm my mom called its time son. We had many false alarms but this time her voice said it was really happening. He asked my mom to go to the store and get him some juice. He knew what he was doing when she got back my dad was in a coma. I got there at 11:00 that night. It was the longest drive I had made from Denton to Cleburne.  I wanted to have something to say to calm everyone down when I got there but I didn’t. I gave my sister, my mom and the hospice nurse a hug and went into the bedroom. No matter how ready you think you are you’re not ready to see you parent laying there taking their last breaths . The nurse told me that he could hear me so talk to him but he wouldn’t respond. Probably since the first time since I was a baby I went in laid in my dads arm and didn’t say a word. I laid there about 2 hrs and nobody came in there. I guess they knew I needed my time. I talked to my dad about what I was doing in my business and how I struggled with being a dad and husband. I told him I was mad about him leaving me here but I would hold up to the end of the bargain of taking care of my mom and sister. I got up and let some other people who came by the house come by and pay their respects. I sat outside in the dark for about an hr. I just kept praying for God please take him. His lungs were filling with fluid so his breathing was like that of a drowning person. At 8:00 that morning his breaths became fewer and fewer. My mom and sister came and said goodbye and I laid next to him holding his hand. at 8:20 I heard his last breath. A very surreal moment happened and his warm body became cold and his spirit left. It was my last time that I had to be the man of the family with him there!!

December 7th 2011 I went to my father’s grave for the first time. I was going through counseling and all kinds of help try to find peace and that day in the cold, mud, and sleet I hit my knees at his tombstone. I told him I was sorry for all the things I said and would he please forgive me and I forgave him. At that moment I looked over my right shoulder to see who was grabbing my shoulder and it was the spirit of the Lord lifting the burden off of me that I had carried for 25 years. My life has never been the same. My life hit Rock Bottom but because of that simple act of forgiveness for a man who did the best he could with the knowledge he had I’m here today still a broken man but gluing it all back together. At the beginning of January this year took a trip to the Sequoia National Forest and saw the largest trees in the world. It was the most majestic and quite place I had ever been on earth. In the quite I heard my Father speak to me and tell me that he loved me and he was proud of me. I promise its worth the fight and struggle to get to a place of peace and forgiveness.

I thought because of the decade time frame  that it would be harder today , but today I’m very much at peace. I never thought I could get here but with God, forgiveness and a willing heart I’m so thankful for my dad today. AS I typed this out it brought back so many memories and tears dripping onto my computer but More than anything I know he’s in Heaven today pumping out his chest saying that’s my boy and I’m so proud of him.








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