Day 731 Drunk enough to feel

27 01 2015

80 Degrees in Texas in January. Yep its the joys of being a Texan. Saturday we will need a coat but today sun tan lotion. The top of my head looks better with a tan anyway.

I don’t drink a lot anymore. I might drink twice a month. I’m pretty comfortable with who I am and don’t need to escape or have liquid courage to accomplish a night of fun but.. Saturday night was a different story. I went  to my aunts wedding reception and saw family I hadn’t seen in a while. I wasn’t going to go but my mom asked and I wanted to support my aunt. I kept looking at my watch  hoping the time would pass quicker but like all time it doesn’t pass when you want it to. I couldn’t stand the questions of when are you going to have a girlfriend, do you want to get remarried, just the long list of questions you get when you older and single.

I went and hung out with one of my buddies and had about a 45 minute drive there. I have demons and I kick their ass most days. The one demon that gets me the most is loneliness. AS I made the drive my mind wander over to the wrong lane and started feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to escape my mind for a bit but didn’t know what to do. I meet up with my buddy in this hole in the place. I enjoyed his company but my mind wouldn’t stop. Two drinks lead to 2 shots and you know how it goes. In my past i could get drunk enough not to feel anything which is where I was going I hoped. This time though I only got to the point I could feel things I didn’t want to. I felt my loneliness, my fear and my lack of faith in God in many things. I wanted for just a little while to get my mind to stop because I didn’t believe God could do it for me at that time.

I’m sure you’re wondering why is he telling us this! I’m not going to apologize  for being human but I am sorry for not following my own advice. People always say man you got it together. Sure if you want to believe that you can but Im just like you. I just have different convictions  than before so I can bounce back a little quicker. If you take your focus on God, isolate yourself and believe you can figure it all out you could be in a horrible place that you thought left a long time ago. I made it home but before I did I stopped on a pretty dark empty place on 35 in Ponder Texas got out of the car and screamed at the top of my lungs. Ironic thing its the same place when I was 20 years old I woke up so drunk I busted through the fence and had passed out. After screaming like I was in a Hollywood horror flick I need to remember that spot from almost 20 years earlier and thanked God for bringing me to where I was now. It’s funny how if you need a reminder God can always show you something you don’t want but need to see.

I write this for me to go back read and remember but for you too. You are okay and you’re not alone.You are not your past, the feelings you have do not justify you and if you fall of the horse get back up. Love you!





Day 336 When I laid awake alone

12 12 2013

I swear my kids are not going back to school they have missed 5 days already and I have lost my sanity, hair and my youth. I have heard the word the word daddy about 4000 times. I am learning patients because if my parents would have had this situation Im sure I would have already had stitches and a sore butt.

Sometimes you forget things because it’s just easier to not remember them. Im not writing to go back to my own personal hell back then but maybe it can help you!   I  wish this wasn’t  easy to remember but this si true! One of my friends started reading my blog from the beginning and brought up a lot of things I thought I had forgotten, The one that got me the most: How did you do an in-house separation then decided to get divorced.? Honestly it sucked so bad and I wouldn’t recommend it. I wrote this June 6th 2012 in my journal. My grammar and punctuation was just as bad then.

I was down stairs and you were upstairs. You know the person you love and growing to hate is upstairs and you have no idea if your marriage is going to make it. I wonder when my day was coming, I laid awake so many nights screaming inside and barely holding on. It was my own nightmare but I was awake. Can one person feel this way the rest of my life. Its scary when you have no idea what the next day brings. You want something over but you want it to stay! You would rather die alone than have the sickest feeling running through your bones and wanting to be with you! I would take the long way home everyday hoping it would be closer to the time we parted ways  and then I could lose hope for that day. I would wake up the next morning and put that fake smile on my face and look in the mirror and see it reflecting back into the fraud I had become and the fraud of a life I was leading. The damn mirror wouldn’t erase you from being next to me.  One day you’re gonna see things my way but thank you that you didn’t. You gave me so much room that I can’t breathe and then all I had was those damn mental pictures that kept running through my brain until that 6:00 am  wake up.For some reason it’s supposed to be that way,  that way which I hated and every night I stayed awake and thought about our years that were becoming just days. If I could shrink it down and put it in ,your hands
We made it hurt so much, I can’t forget the past ,Just tell me what to say, show me what to do
Then I could forgive me and I would forgive you.

That was my last journal entry and I can tell you that was my last journal entry by paper. AS you all know I moved out June 16th 2012. AS the time got  longer and further away  the divorce happened and I actually made it through the in-house separation and separation.  AS I type today it hurt back  then and sure there are scars but I’m such a better man for what happened. Just know anything you think you can’t get through, Turn to God, keep the people who love you very close, and never give up!

 





Day 336 When I laid awake alone

12 12 2013

I swear my kids are not going back to school they have missed 5 days already and I have lost my sanity, hair and my youth. I have heard the word the word daddy about 4000 times. I am learning patients because if my parents would have had this situation Im sure I would have already had stitches and a sore butt.

Sometimes you forget things because it’s just easier to not remember them. Im not writing to go back to my own personal hell back then but maybe it can help you!   I  wish this wasn’t  easy to remember but this si true! One of my friends started reading my blog from the beginning and brought up a lot of things I thought I had forgotten, The one that got me the most: How did you do an in-house separation then decided to get divorced.? Honestly it sucked so bad and I wouldn’t recommend it. I wrote this June 6th 2012 in my journal. My grammar and punctuation was just as bad then.

I was down stairs and you were upstairs. You know the person you love and growing to hate is upstairs and you have no idea if your marriage is going to make it. I wonder when my day was coming, I laid awake so many nights screaming inside and barely holding on. It was my own nightmare but I was awake. Can one person feel this way the rest of my life. Its scary when you have no idea what the next day brings. You want something over but you want it to stay! You would rather die alone than have the sickest feeling running through your bones and wanting to be with you! I would take the long way home everyday hoping it would be closer to the time we parted ways  and then I could lose hope for that day. I would wake up the next morning and put that fake smile on my face and look in the mirror and see it reflecting back into the fraud I had become and the fraud of a life I was leading. The damn mirror wouldn’t erase you from being next to me.  One day you’re gonna see things my way but thank you that you didn’t. You gave me so much room that I can’t breathe and then all I had was those damn mental pictures that kept running through my brain until that 6:00 am  wake up.For some reason it’s supposed to be that way,  that way which I hated and every night I stayed awake and thought about our years that were becoming just days. If I could shrink it down and put it in ,your hands
We made it hurt so much, I can’t forget the past ,Just tell me what to say, show me what to do
Then I could forgive me and I would forgive you.

That was my last journal entry and I can tell you that was my last journal entry by paper. AS you all know I moved out June 16th 2012. AS the time got  longer and further away  the divorce happened and I actually made it through the in-house separation and separation.  AS I type today it hurt back  then and sure there are scars but I’m such a better man for what happened. Just know anything you think you can’t get through, Turn to God, keep the people who love you very close, and never give up!

 





Day 336 When I laid awake alone

11 12 2013

I swear my kids are not going back to school they have missed 5 days already and I have lost my sanity, hair and my youth. I have heard the word the word daddy about 4000 times. I am learning patients because if my parents would have had this situation Im sure I would have already had stitches and a sore butt.

Sometimes you forget things because it’s just easier to not remember them. Im not writing to go back to my own personal hell back then but maybe it can help you!   I  wish this wasn’t  easy to remember but this si true! One of my friends started reading my blog from the beginning and brought up a lot of things I thought I had forgotten, The one that got me the most: How did you do an in-house separation then decided to get divorced.? Honestly it sucked so bad and I wouldn’t recommend it. I wrote this June 6th 2012 in my journal. My grammar and punctuation was just as bad then.

I was down stairs and you were upstairs. You know the person you love and growing to hate is upstairs and you have no idea if your marriage is going to make it. I wonder when my day was coming, I laid awake so many nights screaming inside and barely holding on. It was my own nightmare but I was awake. Can one person feel this way the rest of my life. Its scary when you have no idea what the next day brings. You want something over but you want it to stay! You would rather die alone than have the sickest feeling running through your bones and wanting to be with you! I would take the long way home everyday hoping it would be closer to the time we parted ways  and then I could lose hope for that day. I would wake up the next morning and put that fake smile on my face and look in the mirror and see it reflecting back into the fraud I had become and the fraud of a life I was leading. The damn mirror wouldn’t erase you from being next to me.  One day you’re gonna see things my way but thank you that you didn’t. You gave me so much room that I can’t breathe and then all I had was those damn mental pictures that kept running through my brain until that 6:00 am  wake up.For some reason it’s supposed to be that way,  that way which I hated and every night I stayed awake and thought about our years that were becoming just days. If I could shrink it down and put it in ,your hands
We made it hurt so much, I can’t forget the past ,Just tell me what to say, show me what to do
Then I could forgive me and I would forgive you.

That was my last journal entry and I can tell you that was my last journal entry by paper. AS you all know I moved out June 16th 2012. AS the time got  longer and further away  the divorce happened and I actually made it through the in-house separation and separation.  AS I type today it hurt back  then and sure there are scars but I’m such a better man for what happened. Just know anything you think you can’t get through, Turn to God, keep the people who love you very close, and never give up!








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