Day 1507 Teach me how to live again.

9 04 2017

Happy April. One of the busiest months around. WE had NASCAR, baseball, Hockey, minor league baseball, basketball, 3 different festivals around DFW this weekend. It’s a great place to live and you can’t be bored but my Lord a ton of people live here now. There’s traffic everywhere I mean everywhere. Good thing I m sneaky and I know things and people so I can sneak around!

The life of a rock bottom person is a great story. Rising from the ashes, changing your story, ending curses, learning that there is the courage to keep going. You remember all the things that broke you, the moments where you look around and say I’m not worth it for some us the moment you write a letter saying I’m sorry but its time for me to live this world.  From those things you give hope, you love people, show people a new reality you show perseverance  when there wasn’t any.

I can only speak for me on this and my rock bottom story but I need someone to help me to live again. I hope for me its the person I will spend the rest of my life with. I’m sure some of you are asking what do you mean Tyler. I’m not sure I can put it in words but I’ll try. She has to be a strong-willed person, because I am. When my demons show themselves can either lift me up or smack me which ever one I need. Rock bottom people know relapse, we know when we feel God disappeared, (which he doesn’t) we know when we don’t feel worthy, or when we questions the comfortable pain we lived with so long. My book is almost finished said that now for 2.5 years someone who will say what are you doing. I want to read it, others will too. You have to start giving yourself credit Tyler. Someone that helps you believe in yourself when you have those moments you don’t Or when you find the courage and those are showing themselves that push you to get to the end.  She’s willing to take a chance because she believes in you enough and even if you fail, you didn’t fail you learned. That’s okay living on a thought like let’s go to California. Sometimes living life doesn’t have to make sense you just live it.

AS you get older you know outcomes better, when you screwed up so many things you play it safe. Safe sucks but you know the outcome if you do something not safe. So you live in a safe bubble trying not to recreate the mess you made. That’s not living. I’m not talking about drinking or drugging. I’m talking about seeing things you haven’t or doing things out of your comfort zone. She would take me by the hand and say I want to show you something. Your eyes open to the magic and beauty of the world you haven’t seen. It may sound like Hollywood but who cares. A lot of things in Hollywood are based on a true story and they make great movies.

She helps me focus, she’s optimistic, she shows a new reality.  The killer of life is routine, she’s okay breaking routine.  I know happiness and joy are internal works. I truly understand that and I need to find my joy again. I need help, I need someone to enhance me and see me faults and all as the great man I am.

My dad told me once that my mom made him see things that he just couldn’t. That she would believe when he wouldn’t that when he had an idea she supported him more than he supported himself.

If I died tomorrow and around me were all my hopes, dreams. I would have to apologize to them. My fears and doubts could pat me on the head say good try. I need that person that is  a dream catcher and a hope provider and loves me crap and all. If I’m asking too much then I’ll continue on my journey by myself because I want to live and one way or another I’m getting there.

Get busy living or get busy dying!





Day 1005 I finally own a home again

28 10 2015

The roller coaster of life is something that we all struggle with. The highs are so great and when we start the downhill we can do nothing to stop it. If you followed my blog you know August 2011 I attempted suicide, I had lost my dad, my business, filed personal and business bankruptcy, found out I had diabetes, lost my marriage, car. dignity, pride, friends, ego. I was at Rock bottom and truthfully nowhere to go. June 2012 I moved out of my house. Essentially every major life event took place in that house. You can see the memories, feel them, smell them and feel them course through your veins. The first home I bought, I brought my children home to this., all the firsts of life were there. I’ll never forget that I asked my buddy Lew to wait in the moving truck while I said my goodbyes. I looked around touched some walls, look at the trees I planted in the backyard, went and opened the doors to my kids rooms for one last time. I started crying because I had no idea how I would ever own a home again. Blood, sweat, tears, every human emotion I had experienced was in the that house and I was walking out of it for the last time. I wiped the tears off my face said goodbye and thank you. My buddy Lew just said its alright man! Not much more I could say.

I moved into an apartment with the emptiness of feelings. My kids had to share a room, my dog had no yard and I was left with something that wasn’t mine. AS the months went by I started being thankful for what I did have. I started repairing myself and slowly stopped beating myself up for the mistakes. Then in 2014 I went and started the home buying process. I was told you had been self-employed and you didn’t make enough, you had bankruptcy and you needed to get rid of some debt. I was devastated and thought I guess this will never happen. My faith was tested and I lost. I had asked God and his answer was no. It was just no for a bit! In May of this year I dropped my pride and ego and asked someone help me. That they did and the pieces started falling into place. I wanted to be back out close to where my first house was so my kids surroundings would be the same. I looked at 8 houses and nothing made sense. The house I really wanted was so over priced I sad maybe next year. 5 weeks ago I drove past the house and the sign was still in the yard. I called my Realtor and asked her to look at the house and said contract fell through and  it had been overpriced. I looked the next day and made an offer. 2 days of negotiating and the offer was accepted. Then the hard part getting the mortgage done. To say it was a challenge would be an understatement, with divorce, bankruptcy, self-employed etc.. but it was done.

Last Friday at 2:00 I became a homeowner again. I sat in my car and the tears of joy, happiness, a life left behind all came falling out of my eyes. I was relieved, ecstatic, but mostly thankful. Thankful that God restores people like me. A world-class loser, who had lost everything, who gave up on himself, who was ready to quit and end it all. God saw me for who I am, when I wanted to quit on this journey and the person came along to say the right thing at the right time. If your reading this I’m a story of someone who was ashes and from those ashes God lifted me up and he said are you ready to follow me now. I had no choice. If you don’t believe in hope or that there is a God I’m living proof. It has not ever been easy but as I always say its been worth it.  Best thing now is I get to mow my yard again and clean up dog poop which actually makes me pretty happy that I can.

Thank you to the people that helped me. Your part of my journey have been so appreciated.





Day 654 This guy really disgusted me

11 11 2014

Thank you Veterans. These words are not enough but I try when I see a veteran to thank them in person. Just the fact I can write this blog without persecution is just one of the many of 1000’s I can do because of you. If you have never seen Band of Brothers and what the men of the 100 1st Airborne please Watch it, Its amazing.

You meet people in your life that change you eventually. It may not matter when they came into your life but they were there for a lesson, a reminder, or just to show you how not to be. Going back  to my college days. I had some rough friends. They had good to them for sure but the side that was most shown was their nasty, angry or just down right disgusting side. Usually Thursday night in college is the night most go out because most skip on Friday or just decide that their getting ready for a great weekend early. This group of guys mostly my Rugby buddies would start drinking and having shenanigans around 9:00 by 11:00 we were all drunk and having the most fun, starting fights, or just telling stories and singing rugby songs that everyone wanted to hear. This one guy (remains anonymous) was always the center of attention, he had a commanding presence, people followed him, he told the jokes nobody would tell, he just didn’t give a crap what people thought about him. I always watched him no matter what he did, I liked him sometimes but I was stuck with him in the group so I just dealt with him. He was a jerk, depressed, a liar, disgusting, and he treated women like crap and I always thought when I saw him : if people knew him nobody would laugh at him, or listen to him. What a joke of a man. I would watch him, take women of all kinds by the hand after some words, like your so beautiful, if you had a real man like me I wold love you, give you everything, I would tell you how great you are and tell you all the things you’ve never been told and walk them to the men’s  bathroom of our Rugby bar. I knew what he did because I would go to the bathroom and listen to what he told them and them instruct them to get naked then he would have his way with them. He would buy them a beer when he was done with them. Sometimes kiss them and seriously go to the next one. Sometimes he did this three times a night. One night I stopped him when he was sitting on the curb trying not to throw up and asked him. What in the hell are you doing? Why are you doing this to these women. He looked at me and said I just want someone to love me, I want to know I’m enough, I want to be like the good-looking guys, so I feel that way for about 3 minutes and then I have to deal with what a piece of shit  I am. I patted him on the leg and said okay man. I felt so pitiful for him, I wanted to help him but had no idea what to do or say to him. So I just sat and watched him destroy himself and so many women around him and was disgusted with the man I saw everyday. Why do I tell you this today. That man was me. Thats how I lived my college days. I know its in the past thank God, I hated me and was disgusted with who I was. That is why today I tell my story so maybe just one young man will have his eyes opened and save himself and so many women from the pain and scars that I brought upon so many. Good thing I’m forgiven and I know this and I have done my best to make amends with those I effected. I stand as  a broken man of God hoping you pass this along to someone who needs to hear it and know that we can all rise from the ashes. I’m living proof.





Day 654 This guy really disgusted me

11 11 2014

Thank you Veterans. These words are not enough but I try when I see a veteran to thank them in person. Just the fact I can write this blog without persecution is just one of the many of 1000’s I can do because of you. If you have never seen Band of Brothers and what the men of the 100 1st Airborne please Watch it, Its amazing.

You meet people in your life that change you eventually. It may not matter when they came into your life but they were there for a lesson, a reminder, or just to show you how not to be. Going back  to my college days. I had some rough friends. They had good to them for sure but the side that was most shown was their nasty, angry or just down right disgusting side. Usually Thursday night in college is the night most go out because most skip on Friday or just decide that their getting ready for a great weekend early. This group of guys mostly my Rugby buddies would start drinking and having shenanigans around 9:00 by 11:00 we were all drunk and having the most fun, starting fights, or just telling stories and singing rugby songs that everyone wanted to hear. This one guy (remains anonymous) was always the center of attention, he had a commanding presence, people followed him, he told the jokes nobody would tell, he just didn’t give a crap what people thought about him. I always watched him no matter what he did, I liked him sometimes but I was stuck with him in the group so I just dealt with him. He was a jerk, depressed, a liar, disgusting, and he treated women like crap and I always thought when I saw him : if people knew him nobody would laugh at him, or listen to him. What a joke of a man. I would watch him, take women of all kinds by the hand after some words, like your so beautiful, if you had a real man like me I wold love you, give you everything, I would tell you how great you are and tell you all the things you’ve never been told and walk them to the men’s  bathroom of our Rugby bar. I knew what he did because I would go to the bathroom and listen to what he told them and them instruct them to get naked then he would have his way with them. He would buy them a beer when he was done with them. Sometimes kiss them and seriously go to the next one. Sometimes he did this three times a night. One night I stopped him when he was sitting on the curb trying not to throw up and asked him. What in the hell are you doing? Why are you doing this to these women. He looked at me and said I just want someone to love me, I want to know I’m enough, I want to be like the good-looking guys, so I feel that way for about 3 minutes and then I have to deal with what a piece of shit  I am. I patted him on the leg and said okay man. I felt so pitiful for him, I wanted to help him but had no idea what to do or say to him. So I just sat and watched him destroy himself and so many women around him and was disgusted with the man I saw everyday. Why do I tell you this today. That man was me. Thats how I lived my college days. I know its in the past thank God, I hated me and was disgusted with who I was. That is why today I tell my story so maybe just one young man will have his eyes opened and save himself and so many women from the pain and scars that I brought upon so many. Good thing I’m forgiven and I know this and I have done my best to make amends with those I effected. I stand as  a broken man of God hoping you pass this along to someone who needs to hear it and know that we can all rise from the ashes. I’m living proof.








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