Day 839 Is this what its like to feel loved

15 05 2015

I know what God wants me doing. I know it, feel it and its a fulfilling feeling. I got lucky to hear God and he put me in touch with people who over 2 years brought me to Rock Bottom Outreach. There is no way in my normal life I would have ever been friends with these people just through my normal walk in life. Not only do I have these amazing people in my life but I’m also allowed to share my testimony. Some people say big deal does it matter, I couldn’t do it, why do you air your dirty laundry? For those that don’t know me God gave me a gift to lead, speak and be vulnerable. When he gives you something you run with it. For me I can and will get up in front of any and everybody to share from the moment I came into the world until where I stand now and tell you how I screwed up and my story or redemption not perfection. Why do I do it, why does Rock Bottom do it because we offer hope to the weak, weary, defeated, and the ones that are ready to end their life. We need it to as a part of our journey in healing. Last night was another amazing example of when I doubt what were doing and what I’m doing that God shows up and shows out.

We spoke to a group of youth and adults in Springtown Texas at Hilltop church. When I walked in your could feel the need and I was ready. I was very emotional last night and have no idea why and asked to go last. If I wouldn’t have I would have cried my the whole time but I went last and made it. The our team rocked it with Power testimonies which each of us gets 3 minutes. Its quick but you can through a lot of life in when you’re hitting the high notes. I talk about suicide in my message. I understand it and lived. I know what its like to feel worthless, unworthy, that everything you touch turns to garbage, that life will never get better. I also know that’s a lie from the pits of hell. I tried to end my life but I got lucky and now its my turn to share and change lives. After Rock Bottom and the message we get to stay around and talk to whoever wants to talk to us. The tough part about suicide is talking about it one on one and feeling someone elses pain. Two 7th grade girls approached me and said can I talk to you about suicide. I listened intently and inside I’m dying for them. I wont tell the whole story of both but I spoke some real talk to her and then talked to the adult leadership how to help her. Sure there was teenage drama to her talk but she was serious and then the there are moments that leave you speechless. I gave both girls hugs and one girl looked at me and said is that what its like to feel loved. I stepped back and I guess she saw the confusion on my face and said the hug you just gave me. I said I hope so sweetie.  I walked away with tears running down my eyes and said thank you God. Me being open and showing I care for this girl maybe for the first time in her life felt loved.

I got in my car and said no matter what I have screwed up in my life Jesus was like carry on my good and faithful son you’re doing my work and I love you!! Thanks for reading!!

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Day 839 Is this what its like to feel loved

14 05 2015

I know what God wants me doing. I know it, feel it and its a fulfilling feeling. I got lucky to hear God and he put me in touch with people who over 2 years brought me to Rock Bottom Outreach. There is no way in my normal life I would have ever been friends with these people just through my normal walk in life. Not only do I have these amazing people in my life but I’m also allowed to share my testimony. Some people say big deal does it matter, I couldn’t do it, why do you air your dirty laundry? For those that don’t know me God gave me a gift to lead, speak and be vulnerable. When he gives you something you run with it. For me I can and will get up in front of any and everybody to share from the moment I came into the world until where I stand now and tell you how I screwed up and my story or redemption not perfection. Why do I do it, why does Rock Bottom do it because we offer hope to the weak, weary, defeated, and the ones that are ready to end their life. We need it to as a part of our journey in healing. Last night was another amazing example of when I doubt what were doing and what I’m doing that God shows up and shows out.

We spoke to a group of youth and adults in Springtown Texas at Hilltop church. When I walked in your could feel the need and I was ready. I was very emotional last night and have no idea why and asked to go last. If I wouldn’t have I would have cried my the whole time but I went last and made it. The our team rocked it with Power testimonies which each of us gets 3 minutes. Its quick but you can through a lot of life in when you’re hitting the high notes. I talk about suicide in my message. I understand it and lived. I know what its like to feel worthless, unworthy, that everything you touch turns to garbage, that life will never get better. I also know that’s a lie from the pits of hell. I tried to end my life but I got lucky and now its my turn to share and change lives. After Rock Bottom and the message we get to stay around and talk to whoever wants to talk to us. The tough part about suicide is talking about it one on one and feeling someone elses pain. Two 7th grade girls approached me and said can I talk to you about suicide. I listened intently and inside I’m dying for them. I wont tell the whole story of both but I spoke some real talk to her and then talked to the adult leadership how to help her. Sure there was teenage drama to her talk but she was serious and then the there are moments that leave you speechless. I gave both girls hugs and one girl looked at me and said is that what its like to feel loved. I stepped back and I guess she saw the confusion on my face and said the hug you just gave me. I said I hope so sweetie.  I walked away with tears running down my eyes and said thank you God. Me being open and showing I care for this girl maybe for the first time in her life felt loved.

I got in my car and said no matter what I have screwed up in my life Jesus was like carry on my good and faithful son you’re doing my work and I love you!! Thanks for reading!!





Day 683 what did you say the last time you talked to him

10 12 2014

Watching and listening to children grow and believe in themselves is truly an awe-inspiring experience. Last night I went to my daughters Christmas Choir concert. She did amazing and she sounds better than in September. Just watching them all look more confident and listening to Silent night made me so happy. If we blink we miss it so I kept my eyes open last night.

I mentioned in my last blog I was on a Christian radio show in Denver Colorado the past two nights. It went amazing and I was so thankful for the opportunity to share my testimony and how the redemption was happening now. I had many friends and others I had no idea about tune in and listen but the one person that tuned in and made me nervous was my mom. She had never heard my testimony and never really knew my past and things that came with that. I wasn’t embarrassed because I’m past that point but I was nervous for her because I didn’t want her to blame herself for my stupidity.Like any good mom she did blame herself but was very open to what happened and was very proud of where I was and the courage I had to talk about my missteps. We talked about many things and truthfully I was emotionally spent and ready to get off the phone then she asked me a question I really wasn’t ready for.  What did you and your dad talk about the last time you talked to him before he died. I gulped, why do you ask mom? She said your dad said it was between you and him and that’s where it needed to stay. I sat there silent and she said are you still there? Yes mom I just haven’t opened that box in a long time. I told her that he apologized to me for the way he treated you, that he was so sorry that he gave up on himself, he made me promise that no matter what I did to protect and serve your sister and mom, that he was so happy the day I was born, to make sure to have another child and he would be a boy, and he wished that he was half the man I had become. At that moment I started crying telling my mom and then I stopped. To this day and it will probably stay quiet within me until I can tell my son there are 3 other things that are best left between my dad and I. My mom doesn’t need to know because she wouldn’t understand and I guess its my treasure that I can continue to unwrap in my mind until its time to present it to my son. No matter what happened between my dad and I he left me with a lifetime memory and thought. I appreciate that talk we had so much more that I forgave him and now I hear what he was telling me. That was the last time I talked to my dad and one week later he slipped into a coma and I never saw him alive again. So is there a point to  this blog. Forgiveness allows you to see things in the light they were meant. It allows your heart to open and love moments that only come along once.  I’m following what he asked of me to the very best I can. He was right have another child and he was a boy, serve and protect your mom and sister and I’m doing my best with that. Mostly what I’m doing is loving my dad more than I ever have.





Day 683 what did you say the last time you talked to him

10 12 2014

Watching and listening to children grow and believe in themselves is truly an awe-inspiring experience. Last night I went to my daughters Christmas Choir concert. She did amazing and she sounds better than in September. Just watching them all look more confident and listening to Silent night made me so happy. If we blink we miss it so I kept my eyes open last night.

I mentioned in my last blog I was on a Christian radio show in Denver Colorado the past two nights. It went amazing and I was so thankful for the opportunity to share my testimony and how the redemption was happening now. I had many friends and others I had no idea about tune in and listen but the one person that tuned in and made me nervous was my mom. She had never heard my testimony and never really knew my past and things that came with that. I wasn’t embarrassed because I’m past that point but I was nervous for her because I didn’t want her to blame herself for my stupidity.Like any good mom she did blame herself but was very open to what happened and was very proud of where I was and the courage I had to talk about my missteps. We talked about many things and truthfully I was emotionally spent and ready to get off the phone then she asked me a question I really wasn’t ready for.  What did you and your dad talk about the last time you talked to him before he died. I gulped, why do you ask mom? She said your dad said it was between you and him and that’s where it needed to stay. I sat there silent and she said are you still there? Yes mom I just haven’t opened that box in a long time. I told her that he apologized to me for the way he treated you, that he was so sorry that he gave up on himself, he made me promise that no matter what I did to protect and serve your sister and mom, that he was so happy the day I was born, to make sure to have another child and he would be a boy, and he wished that he was half the man I had become. At that moment I started crying telling my mom and then I stopped. To this day and it will probably stay quiet within me until I can tell my son there are 3 other things that are best left between my dad and I. My mom doesn’t need to know because she wouldn’t understand and I guess its my treasure that I can continue to unwrap in my mind until its time to present it to my son. No matter what happened between my dad and I he left me with a lifetime memory and thought. I appreciate that talk we had so much more that I forgave him and now I hear what he was telling me. That was the last time I talked to my dad and one week later he slipped into a coma and I never saw him alive again. So is there a point to  this blog. Forgiveness allows you to see things in the light they were meant. It allows your heart to open and love moments that only come along once.  I’m following what he asked of me to the very best I can. He was right have another child and he was a boy, serve and protect your mom and sister and I’m doing my best with that. Mostly what I’m doing is loving my dad more than I ever have.








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