Day 1690 Will you open my chest please

30 10 2017

Yesterday I had a lot of thinking going on. My mind wandered and I couldn’t reel it back in. When I get emotional I like to drive. Lucky for me and my son the weather was great. We rolled down the windows. I made him put the tablet down and I put my phone away. He asked what we were going to drive and think and spend time together. He said that’s weird but okay. We were both quiet for a bit and he said the sun feels different today daddy. I said what do you mean he said its a happy sun. I just smiled and rubbed his head. During the drive I gave him some life pointers on things to do and not do. Like stop and take a deep breath and feel the happy sun. Never make someone feel bad. We have a favorite song we listen to so we played it over and over and I thought a lot.

If you could open up my  chest and see whats inside would you run, marvel at the mess was in there. Would you run your fingers across the scars and wish to heal them. Would you laugh or be appalled  at the places Iv been. The lies I told you and myself.

I thought a lot about what I’m trying to do, why I get “stuck” why I get shy and nobody knows, why Im on phone too much, why I wont reach out knowing that’s exactly what I need. The painful moments that added up to me wanting to leave this world and all the people alone. That when people I hurt I truly hurt, when I need to be cheered up most people can’t because where they are that day.

I then thought about how I love to hug people, I remember almost all of  my hugs. The transfer of love and feelings in a hug even for a few seconds makes me happy, that being in love is truly the best feeling a person can have. The sense of pride I feel looking at my kids cannot be matched. I love to sing and even get compliments sometimes, the moments when my family growing up got to spend holidays together. I love when dogs curl up with you.  When I see someone accomplish they didn’t believe they could I want to just cheer so loud. The power of a kiss, the power of words used in a positive way to change someones broken heart.

Just some random ramblings because writing them down helps me. Thanks for reading.

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Day 1488 This is why you change -866 Days and counting

20 03 2017

Hello People. 92 degrees in Texas I know its the first day of spring but Summer decided to wave hi first. I’m so thankful to have this outlet to be able to share me. I know some thinks it’s a weird way to do it but that’s okay because I know I’m weird. I’m embrace it!

I’m a single man again. Never thought I would be here again but life threw   me a huge upper cut when  my mom died. I became numb and couldn’t even fake it some days. The blended family was also a huge problem that until you’re living there is no way to know how to handle it. So in the journey again with a different path. I really need to find a path and stay on it 🙂

I’m not a glass half full, or half empty I’m just thankful something is in my glass. So writing this please know The days I get I’m so thankful for but I’m here to help so this is real talk.

Since I moved out of my old house with my ex-wife almost 5 years ago. I have missed 866 days of my kids lives. Yes that means I’ve had them for 866 days and I promise I’ve done my best to make all of that time matter. You don’t have to mess up the time like I did. We all know when something isn’t right with ourselves and our relationship. You ignore it or just say that’s the way it is then your left listening to your kids grow up on phone.

866 days of their life I missed. thank God I fought for joint custody but its hard to have your kids come home and they truly changes. The first 2 days my son is here he calls me mom, they don’t feel close, they don’t communicate as much and then its Sunday and just the time of us seems like its gone because we have to get ready for school. I learn about their day  by asking questions right before bedtime. When I want to do something with them that only comes around once a year I can’t. My flesh and blood is missing. I know I will find them but I can never get those days back. Hello, I love you, thank you sounds different on the phone.

Like I said earlier, realize a few things:. we are all screwed up, we all have a hurt, habit, or hang-up, we all have a past. Some worse than others, we had someone break us down, break our heart, we all medicate our pain some how. So you’re never alone. Never. You don’t know what I’ve done Tyler, but I know someone who has. The thing is we can’t live there anymore because living “their” allows someone else to raise your kids, and just have voice memories to carry you through.

Find your weakness, absorb, accept it, and get help, counseling, recovery group, just a voice to listen. Anyone that sits on an island by themselves will drown every time. I believe in Jesus Christ so I go there but find something. Nothing  is worse than losing everything because I said said,  I don’t know what to do. There are options everywhere. Its pride and ego that will steal your life and soul. It doesn’t have to be that way. reach out to me, do something because you are worth it and those beautiful children are too. You can drink, dope, and yell your life away but you can’t get back what you destroyed.





Day 1392 My first Christmas without my mom

14 12 2016

Merry Christmas! These last 2 months have been crazy. Trying to balance it all and dealing with the holidays have been tough but today I wanted to write/blog.  I hope you realize how great my mom was. Until the next one!

I can’t believe it’s almost been a year since my mom left us to go be with my dad in heaven on 12-29-15 .  Christmas will never be the same but how I appreciate her so much more now which I didn’t know was possible.

Christmas are the best memories of my mom. when we were younger and finances were better we were spoiled. my parents had a hard time saying no. We got what we asked for. so much so my dad told  years later my mom drove 4 hrs to Oklahoma city to get Junkyard Dog wrestling figure  an 8 hr trip for a $20 dollar toy.
starting in 8th grade my dad became disabled and we tried to live on a teacher’s salary .  nobody knew we were poor my mom didn’t allow for it. i never knew sometimes how were going to eat but things worked out . after my freshman year of high school I stopped asking for things. I didn’t want to ask for things because I felt selfish. When Christmas started rolling around mom asked over and over just tell me just one thing you want. Finally after she tried to rip my ear off I would tell her but told her I never expected anything, what you  do for us is enough. then Christmas morning Santa always came. I never could grasp how in the hell when we struggled to eat sometimes how she did it.
When I got to the point I appreciated my parents in my late 20’s I sat down one day and said how did you do it.
She said you always sacrifice and you try you damnedest  to never let your kids down. She said you sell things, you ask favors, you  drop your pride. which I told I promise you never did let us down . I have so many stories of her undying sacrifice ,  love, her heart of gold, her love of other people.
I have no idea how she juggled the job of a wife caring for a disabled husband, an amazing mother,  a school teacher, a friend, daughter, sister, super woman, a great cook, a disciplinarian, the loudest fan at her kids games, the first one to offer to help and then do it and finally the jolliest, most giving Santa Claus, whose  toy bag always  had the right toy in it every time.
This Christmas will never be the same but what she taught me on Christmas  is one thing I will cherish and pass along forever .




Day 1348 Does Im sorry work

27 10 2016

Hello again peeps. Another wonderful summer day  at the end of October with a high of 88. I really wish I knew what seasons were I read about them in the picture books but they don’t seem to be real lol. Just FYI it’s just stupid how expensive Halloween costumes are for something that kids wear one time and then goes into a box forever. At least we get candy on the 31st so score one for us kids that are adults now.

I’m sorry one set of the most powerful words in the English language. We usually mean it sometimes we hope it saves us but mostly we mean it. Are there things that we do that no matter what I’m sorry just doesn’t matter? This past Saturday I had one of the toughest days I’ve had in 5 years. You think you’ve over come your demons and sometimes they take a giant crap on your head. I didn’t hurt anyone else I promise but I did destroy myself some.  We get isolated with out thoughts and then bam. I know better, I know that if I think negative, think I’m unworthy, think Im unlovable that nobody will miss me, then your mind has nothing to do but believe what your feeding it. Lucky for so many of us we have a moment of clarity and we wake up and think what in the hell was going on there. Why did I think those thoughts, why lead me to here. Why would I do that to the people I love. The reason is that were human and sometimes we believe the devil more than we believe Jesus. After the people you’re close to find out your thoughts you say your sorry and you mean it but then the question comes do they believe your sorry.

It’s not like the boy crying wolf its more they know your sorry but its easier not to accept the apology because then you don’t have to feel hurt by them again.  Nobody likes to repeat their mistakes but we do. Sorry is great to hear when it’s not the same mistake but when it becomes 1, 2, 3 times does I’m sorry fall on deaf ears. I really have no answer to this because its dependent on the person being apologize to.

Anyway I wanted to blog and that was my thought for that moment. Until the next crazy mind thought comes through: Love you





Day 1005 I finally own a home again

28 10 2015

The roller coaster of life is something that we all struggle with. The highs are so great and when we start the downhill we can do nothing to stop it. If you followed my blog you know August 2011 I attempted suicide, I had lost my dad, my business, filed personal and business bankruptcy, found out I had diabetes, lost my marriage, car. dignity, pride, friends, ego. I was at Rock bottom and truthfully nowhere to go. June 2012 I moved out of my house. Essentially every major life event took place in that house. You can see the memories, feel them, smell them and feel them course through your veins. The first home I bought, I brought my children home to this., all the firsts of life were there. I’ll never forget that I asked my buddy Lew to wait in the moving truck while I said my goodbyes. I looked around touched some walls, look at the trees I planted in the backyard, went and opened the doors to my kids rooms for one last time. I started crying because I had no idea how I would ever own a home again. Blood, sweat, tears, every human emotion I had experienced was in the that house and I was walking out of it for the last time. I wiped the tears off my face said goodbye and thank you. My buddy Lew just said its alright man! Not much more I could say.

I moved into an apartment with the emptiness of feelings. My kids had to share a room, my dog had no yard and I was left with something that wasn’t mine. AS the months went by I started being thankful for what I did have. I started repairing myself and slowly stopped beating myself up for the mistakes. Then in 2014 I went and started the home buying process. I was told you had been self-employed and you didn’t make enough, you had bankruptcy and you needed to get rid of some debt. I was devastated and thought I guess this will never happen. My faith was tested and I lost. I had asked God and his answer was no. It was just no for a bit! In May of this year I dropped my pride and ego and asked someone help me. That they did and the pieces started falling into place. I wanted to be back out close to where my first house was so my kids surroundings would be the same. I looked at 8 houses and nothing made sense. The house I really wanted was so over priced I sad maybe next year. 5 weeks ago I drove past the house and the sign was still in the yard. I called my Realtor and asked her to look at the house and said contract fell through and  it had been overpriced. I looked the next day and made an offer. 2 days of negotiating and the offer was accepted. Then the hard part getting the mortgage done. To say it was a challenge would be an understatement, with divorce, bankruptcy, self-employed etc.. but it was done.

Last Friday at 2:00 I became a homeowner again. I sat in my car and the tears of joy, happiness, a life left behind all came falling out of my eyes. I was relieved, ecstatic, but mostly thankful. Thankful that God restores people like me. A world-class loser, who had lost everything, who gave up on himself, who was ready to quit and end it all. God saw me for who I am, when I wanted to quit on this journey and the person came along to say the right thing at the right time. If your reading this I’m a story of someone who was ashes and from those ashes God lifted me up and he said are you ready to follow me now. I had no choice. If you don’t believe in hope or that there is a God I’m living proof. It has not ever been easy but as I always say its been worth it.  Best thing now is I get to mow my yard again and clean up dog poop which actually makes me pretty happy that I can.

Thank you to the people that helped me. Your part of my journey have been so appreciated.





Day 877 I know what I did wrong as a father

22 06 2015

Happy Sunday and Happy Fathers day. Its one of the best days of the year for me but also one of the toughest.  In about 2 hours I get my babies and my mom, sister and nephew get together to laugh, make fun of my mom because she’s an easy target and remember my dad. Then off to Jennings Louisiana to d0 a 7:00 am radio show with Rock Bottom Outreach team. Busy day but couldn’t ask for more.

This day is great for many. They had the best fathers and can only heap praise on their father. For you you’re in a rare place and hold on to that. For so many Fathers day is a tough day! Maybe because your dad has passed away, he was an abuser, absent, physically or verbally, a womanizer, he was a drunk, a drug user etc. Or your ex was a crappy dad, to your kids, and a bad spouse, and just never made it as a man. More people feel this way and today stinks for many Today  call ur old man. Tell him you love, tell him you forgive him, he Needs to hear it. He knows the mistakes he made but I promise he loves you. It may never be the way you want but bring peace to ur heart. Do it while you can.

Here’s why: The 14 years I was married there a few times I felt I was a good dad but I mean only a few. I struggled so much with my faults, my worthless feelings, a crappy provider, a failure,  bitterness towards my father, I was there physically but not mentally, that it was almost impossible to feel I could have been a good dad. I could promise you this: If you asked me why I wasn’t a good father I could have told you in about 20 secs all the reasons. I always knew. I mean I could spew off to you always why I wasn’t. My heart hurt about it and I wanted to be a great dad so bad. I have never, NEVER, heard a man say when his child was born I can’t wait to be a horrible dad. We usually had bad examples, or friends weren’t good examples so you just get stuck. Fear is crippling and when men aren’t brought up around it, we aren’t born nurturing , we are just handed this precious baby and now your dad. What happens when men are fearful and confused. We run and we already think the mom will be a parent and not screw them up ,so we leave or stop.

The last 6 months of my dad’s life he poured out all of doubts and fears that he had felt about himself and what he thought about who he was as a father. I was 29 years old when died and my whole life I wanted to hear the things he said. He held those thoughts inside him and it literally ate him alive. To hear your father tell you as a broken, scared, fearful 29-year-old boy that he wished he was half the man I was speaks volumes on so many levels. My point is that he knew what he had done wrong, his demons didn’t allow that to change. He told me but he took it to his grave feeling that way.

I had to have my life crumble to pieces right in front of me because of pride, ego, stubbornness and a lack or want to follow God. Through that process of Rock bottom I got to live out everything I had done wrong with my children, I saw what I did to them, but now  by God’s I was able to raise through those ashes, get off of my knees and through the wrong I have worked my butt off to be a great father. I know I still fail my kids but I can say I’m sorry and correct it. My greatest joy in my life, even scared through it ,is knowing I’m a daddy and the love I have for my kids. It took my 36 years to get there but I’m here.

All I can ask is: I don’t know your exact situation with your dad, if he’s alive you have no idea how bad he’s beating himself up over the mistakes he made with you. Today is a day to put a stop to the constant reminder of his failures. Call him, go see him, tell him you forgive and you love him. It may never change one thing but telling him those things is for you so you can move  on. He does love you and might have the worst way in the world of showing it but maybe its time to let him know. God’s in control of how he handles it, pray for him and let your heat finally be at peace.

Thanks for reading!! Love ya





Day 877 I know what I did wrong as a father

21 06 2015

Happy Sunday and Happy Fathers day. Its one of the best days of the year for me but also one of the toughest.  In about 2 hours I get my babies and my mom, sister and nephew get together to laugh, make fun of my mom because she’s an easy target and remember my dad. Then off to Jennings Louisiana to d0 a 7:00 am radio show with Rock Bottom Outreach team. Busy day but couldn’t ask for more.

This day is great for many. They had the best fathers and can only heap praise on their father. For you you’re in a rare place and hold on to that. For so many Fathers day is a tough day! Maybe because your dad has passed away, he was an abuser, absent, physically or verbally, a womanizer, he was a drunk, a drug user etc. Or your ex was a crappy dad, to your kids, and a bad spouse, and just never made it as a man. More people feel this way and today stinks for many Today  call ur old man. Tell him you love, tell him you forgive him, he Needs to hear it. He knows the mistakes he made but I promise he loves you. It may never be the way you want but bring peace to ur heart. Do it while you can.

Here’s why: The 14 years I was married there a few times I felt I was a good dad but I mean only a few. I struggled so much with my faults, my worthless feelings, a crappy provider, a failure,  bitterness towards my father, I was there physically but not mentally, that it was almost impossible to feel I could have been a good dad. I could promise you this: If you asked me why I wasn’t a good father I could have told you in about 20 secs all the reasons. I always knew. I mean I could spew off to you always why I wasn’t. My heart hurt about it and I wanted to be a great dad so bad. I have never, NEVER, heard a man say when his child was born I can’t wait to be a horrible dad. We usually had bad examples, or friends weren’t good examples so you just get stuck. Fear is crippling and when men aren’t brought up around it, we aren’t born nurturing , we are just handed this precious baby and now your dad. What happens when men are fearful and confused. We run and we already think the mom will be a parent and not screw them up ,so we leave or stop.

The last 6 months of my dad’s life he poured out all of doubts and fears that he had felt about himself and what he thought about who he was as a father. I was 29 years old when died and my whole life I wanted to hear the things he said. He held those thoughts inside him and it literally ate him alive. To hear your father tell you as a broken, scared, fearful 29-year-old boy that he wished he was half the man I was speaks volumes on so many levels. My point is that he knew what he had done wrong, his demons didn’t allow that to change. He told me but he took it to his grave feeling that way.

I had to have my life crumble to pieces right in front of me because of pride, ego, stubbornness and a lack or want to follow God. Through that process of Rock bottom I got to live out everything I had done wrong with my children, I saw what I did to them, but now  by God’s I was able to raise through those ashes, get off of my knees and through the wrong I have worked my butt off to be a great father. I know I still fail my kids but I can say I’m sorry and correct it. My greatest joy in my life, even scared through it ,is knowing I’m a daddy and the love I have for my kids. It took my 36 years to get there but I’m here.

All I can ask is: I don’t know your exact situation with your dad, if he’s alive you have no idea how bad he’s beating himself up over the mistakes he made with you. Today is a day to put a stop to the constant reminder of his failures. Call him, go see him, tell him you forgive and you love him. It may never change one thing but telling him those things is for you so you can move  on. He does love you and might have the worst way in the world of showing it but maybe its time to let him know. God’s in control of how he handles it, pray for him and let your heat finally be at peace.

Thanks for reading!! Love ya








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