Day 975 When nobody is looking

Its been 10 days since I blogged. It seems like I have a million ideas but couldn’t put my thoughts into words so here I am today trying to put 10 days of thoughts into one blog.

One lesson I remember from my dad is that who you are when nobody is looking is truly who you are. I fought for so long. I wanted you to think I was the greatest thing since Oreos. I would tell you all the great things I did, from helping the homeless, giving money to people who needed it, giving a job to someone or writing a note to make sure someone was having a great day, I would pick up trash in front of someone, or speak loud enough when I was giving good advice so everyone could hear it.  Problem was is that when I was alone, I hated people, I talked about them, I cussed God, if I didn’t worry about me then nobody will including God, I thought about every fear I had, my lack of self-esteem, how unworthy I was, and how much I hated myself.

If you’re trying to look great on the grand stage of life you can. You can paint the most glorious of pictures and tell how great it is but  if all you’re doing inside is building walls then eventually you crumble. If you have to tell people how great you are then you’re not.  If your only willing to do good when someone is watching the boat has been missed.Some of the greatest people I know have never mentioned a thing good they have done. Somebody else did or I caught it with my own eyes. That is what makes somebody good and a warrior for God when they aren’t looking for praise but just to truly make someones life better.

My other point is what you think about yourself when your alone is who you are. Some of what society says are the best people in the world hit their Rock bottom because who they were when they were alone is what they couldn’t overcome. My friend AJ always said you could put a dress on a pig but it’s still a pig. Meaning in this instance that if you proclaim all your good and inside your dying then that’s what will happen.

Here’s a great example: If we were talking I would tell you that I want to love again and would do anything to prove that. When I get alone with my thoughts and even when Im talking to God my conversation is totally different. Its more that: I won’t fall in love, I don’t deserve it, God doesn’t want that for me and essentially I sabotage myself. We are what we believe not what we proclaim out loud to others.

So after getting a good jolt of reality today I have more to work on. I sigh because the process never ends but if you know it then God and we can fix it. It’s so true that you are what you believe when your alone then at least there are good things I believe that I never used to believe so I have to look at the positive too.

When I’m alone I know I like pizza, Oreos and football. See I’m already getting better. Thank you

Day 975 When nobody is looking

Its been 10 days since I blogged. It seems like I have a million ideas but couldn’t put my thoughts into words so here I am today trying to put 10 days of thoughts into one blog.

One lesson I remember from my dad is that who you are when nobody is looking is truly who you are. I fought for so long. I wanted you to think I was the greatest thing since Oreos. I would tell you all the great things I did, from helping the homeless, giving money to people who needed it, giving a job to someone or writing a note to make sure someone was having a great day, I would pick up trash in front of someone, or speak loud enough when I was giving good advice so everyone could hear it.  Problem was is that when I was alone, I hated people, I talked about them, I cussed God, if I didn’t worry about me then nobody will including God, I thought about every fear I had, my lack of self-esteem, how unworthy I was, and how much I hated myself.

If you’re trying to look great on the grand stage of life you can. You can paint the most glorious of pictures and tell how great it is but  if all you’re doing inside is building walls then eventually you crumble. If you have to tell people how great you are then you’re not.  If your only willing to do good when someone is watching the boat has been missed.Some of the greatest people I know have never mentioned a thing good they have done. Somebody else did or I caught it with my own eyes. That is what makes somebody good and a warrior for God when they aren’t looking for praise but just to truly make someones life better.

My other point is what you think about yourself when your alone is who you are. Some of what society says are the best people in the world hit their Rock bottom because who they were when they were alone is what they couldn’t overcome. My friend AJ always said you could put a dress on a pig but it’s still a pig. Meaning in this instance that if you proclaim all your good and inside your dying then that’s what will happen.

Here’s a great example: If we were talking I would tell you that I want to love again and would do anything to prove that. When I get alone with my thoughts and even when Im talking to God my conversation is totally different. Its more that: I won’t fall in love, I don’t deserve it, God doesn’t want that for me and essentially I sabotage myself. We are what we believe not what we proclaim out loud to others.

So after getting a good jolt of reality today I have more to work on. I sigh because the process never ends but if you know it then God and we can fix it. It’s so true that you are what you believe when your alone then at least there are good things I believe that I never used to believe so I have to look at the positive too.

When I’m alone I know I like pizza, Oreos and football. See I’m already getting better. Thank you

Day 885 I’m going to be famous

Are you a fan of pizza? If you are I need your input on all the different types of pizza and the best ones. I never knew all the types but I got an education and now I’m ready for opinions but next blog. We had a tremendous weekend with our Rock Bottom Family and my little babies got to experience it as well. We got to go to sunny south Dallas and administer 200 backpacks and 100 hygiene packs. Mostly we got to love on people and my kids are turning into some of the best. Not only with hugs but to take the lead and love on others when society says don’t do that. I’m a super proud daddy.

After our radio show last Monday I got some of the negative feedback that rolls with doing what we do but almost all of it was positive. Two people who I would consider very good friends mentioned you’re going to be famous very soon based on your speaking and radio appearances.. I smiled and started processing that thought because that’s what I do. Most of my life I wanted to be famous either as a football, rugby player or stand-up comedian. I wanted people to worship the ground I walked on. All the names in lights, the money, the free stuff, and mostly the pick of women. I dreamed about it as a little kid, for a long time I thought it might happen then the dreams shattered and I wanted it more. I knew I was capable. How would it be to snap your fingers and get people to do what you wanted because they feared you and not respect you. At one time in my remodeling business I won Top 12 under 40 year remodelers in the United States. I thought I’m on my way. I’m going to be the go to guy, this will bring me more money, fame and you never know will it will lead.  Well it all eventually lead to my trying to take my life because of how I thought I failed. Through all of that what I wasn’t was remembered. The one thing you can’t control is being famous, I mean we have the Kardishans, the Hilton’s and various other people who have no talent and are famous. I mean grumpy cat is famous and he just was born with a grumpy face. Society dictates whose famous and its usually for the wrong reasons.

My two friends and anybody else that thinks Im going to be famous. I mean this thank you but I honestly I could care less. What I want is to be remembered. I want in my everyday walk in life for people to say that’s a tremendous man of God, he was an amazing father, one of the best husbands that walked  the earth, and real and genuine. When my funeral comes hopefully many years from now that there are so many people lined up they close down the streets to tell my children that your dad  loved God,  he was the best friend, son, brother, he believed in me when I couldn’t, he change my life, he loved me, he gave me what he didn’t have, and you should be proud of the man he was.  If that makes me famous I’ll sign up for that. The money, fame, name  in lights is about me, what I just mentioned is about God. Ill never forget when my dad passed away they talked about he did for others not the stuff he had. If I’m striving for the stuff I’ll get it but I know the outcome, if Im striving to be a warrior for God, with a broken past, foul mouth, wounded heart and people come to know Jesus through that I’ll be what I was designed for. I just want my kids to look people in the eye and say my dad was famous because he loved us and were proud of him. You can have your Hollywood I’ll take my Morgan and Brayden everyday!