Day 1205 My story is better than yours.

30 05 2016

The end of the school year. You would think that times couldn’t be busier but yes it is possible. I’m trying so hard to appreciate it because it another year that my kids completed school and one year closer to them growing up so fast.  On Saturday my parents would have been married 43 years. When I think of anniversary and holidays the memories flash back so quick and vividly. It’s amazing how just a  few moments in life feel so real and yet so far away. AS the journey continues these things keep hitting but I appreciate them now rather than trying to wish them away.

How many times do we someones highlight reel of life and wish that was us. I wish I had their life, I wish that I could have that kind of marriage.  I just wish my life was like theirs. I know social media has done a horrible job of painting a picture of the best when actually life is not like that. Behind that marriage is a great cover of hate, a fake marriage of two people who haven’t slept in the same bed in 3 years, the vacation they went on is it’s the last thing the family will do together before divorce. That life you want is filled with credit card debt so high its choking them, the house is 4 months behind and the bank is about to take it. I never want to discredit the parts of life that are great. We have to remember that life is full of seasons and sometimes you’re at the top and sometimes at the bottom. When at the bottom we try to put a dress on a pig. No matter what it’s still a pig.

Stop trying to compare someones else’s highlight reel with your normal life. If you put your highlights out there it looks pretty darn good. If you look at my mike on social media or just in general it looks great especially compared to my past. What you don’t see is my struggles that pictures don’t show, when I tell a joke it’s not because I’m laughing but because I need you to laugh so I can feel better. When I talk about my kids it’s because I feel guilty I blew it and lost my temper and want you to think I’m a good parents. when I get to speak to people and offer hope and the reason I said what I did is so I could have hope or feel like I’m accepted. Your right my life is good and the pictures and the stories and the moments I’ve had with God, my kids, my girlfriend, and her kids is amazing. What I have to keep in mind in those moments is that this is my life and its great. If I keep trying to live someone else’s highlight reel my life will slowly erode and there won’t be anymore highlights. Sure we see other people’s stuff we might want but you have no idea what it tool for them to get it or what they had to lose to get it. Comparing our life to someones else is a life sucking leach. Our normal isn’t bad its just hard to be content in the world of right now.  Enjoy your highlight reel, share it be proud of it but stop there. Just remember what it took you to get your highlight reel on track and what you have had to do to keep it going. Your life is amazing if we choose to see it,  despite the bad of it that’s what make the good so great.  Here is to more of the best, but my best 🙂

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Day 958 My son cried on his birthday

11 09 2015

When you’re a parent the moments you think wow I did a good job are few and far between. I’ve  always been super hard on myself and now I’ve learned to be humble I rarely say anything good about me. Its just feels weird. Most of my close friends would tell you that I should try to give myself a bit of credit. Well  I spent years of taking from life it’s just better to give back and be quite. I have learned though its good to give God what he deserves so here is one of those moments.

B birthday 1 B birthday 2 B birthday 3

yesterday my son turned 7. I remember that we found out we were pregnant it was one of the toughest times in my life. I never appreciated him the way I should. I had lost my dad a few years before, I had just kicked my best friend out of my life and I was a mess with a capital M. I was excited that he was coming but I was like oh no another kid to screw up, I hope he doesn’t become me, what do I teach him. Will he see through my crap, and  a laundry list of other stuff that was just a bunch of lies. I truly have forgotten many of his early years I was so self-absorbed in me. I have pictures that help remind me but really that’s it. If you follow my blog you know the day I attempted suicide that when I got home I made a promise to be the best father I could be and would become.  So to get on to yesterday: I spoiled him no doubt but that’s my job, parent, teach, and spoil, rinse and repeat. My family came up they spoiled him too and he got Pokeman cards, wrestling cards, a football, a wrestler, cloths, legos, a video game and Disney Infinity Three with the Yoda figurine for the game. I would explain Infinity but just google it. It’s a video game system. We went through all the presents and saved the Infinity system for last because that’s wheat he wanted the most. I teased him and told him that he had too much other stuff so he didn’t get Infinity and we just needed to be grateful. ( I only did that because my parents did it to me). We get to last 2 presents and he opens the figure then I think he realized the next present was the infinity system. He yelled Oh my Gosh daddy then he comes over and gives me the tightest hug he has ever given me. If you see the pictures above. He started crying  while hugging me and said: Daddy I didn’t deserve all of this, your such a good daddy. He cried for at least three minutes. I told him how proud I was of him, that he did deserve it, that I was thankful to be his daddy, and he was an amazing little boy. I just held him because I didn’t want that moment to end. If you see the other pics the football he smiled and the other pic shows the tears in his eyes with his Infinity.

When something like that happens I can look at all the bad I had done in my past or I can look at the here and now. My amazing family, my beautiful loving teenage daughter and my son. That was so humbled at 7 that he said that he didn’t deserve the gift and he’s sensitive enough to know its okay to cry in front of others. No matter my mistakes who I am today is what matters. The past helped shape me but my today is what makes me. I know when I pray everyday for my kids and ask God to give me wisdom. He has heard my prayers and now allows me to speak the correct words and not mine.  So yes I’m giving myself credit today. The most important job for a man is to raise his kids. If I or we don’t the world will and that leads to Rock Bottom.
To the smartest, funniest, most loving, hugging, wittiest boy I know, I love you Brayden Wood. Big thank you to my sister for snapping the photos and caring so much for us.





Day 958 My son cried on his birthday

10 09 2015

When you’re a parent the moments you think wow I did a good job are few and far between. I’ve  always been super hard on myself and now I’ve learned to be humble I rarely say anything good about me. Its just feels weird. Most of my close friends would tell you that I should try to give myself a bit of credit. Well  I spent years of taking from life it’s just better to give back and be quite. I have learned though its good to give God what he deserves so here is one of those moments.

B birthday 1 B birthday 2 B birthday 3

yesterday my son turned 7. I remember that we found out we were pregnant it was one of the toughest times in my life. I never appreciated him the way I should. I had lost my dad a few years before, I had just kicked my best friend out of my life and I was a mess with a capital M. I was excited that he was coming but I was like oh no another kid to screw up, I hope he doesn’t become me, what do I teach him. Will he see through my crap, and  a laundry list of other stuff that was just a bunch of lies. I truly have forgotten many of his early years I was so self-absorbed in me. I have pictures that help remind me but really that’s it. If you follow my blog you know the day I attempted suicide that when I got home I made a promise to be the best father I could be and would become.  So to get on to yesterday: I spoiled him no doubt but that’s my job, parent, teach, and spoil, rinse and repeat. My family came up they spoiled him too and he got Pokeman cards, wrestling cards, a football, a wrestler, cloths, legos, a video game and Disney Infinity Three with the Yoda figurine for the game. I would explain Infinity but just google it. It’s a video game system. We went through all the presents and saved the Infinity system for last because that’s wheat he wanted the most. I teased him and told him that he had too much other stuff so he didn’t get Infinity and we just needed to be grateful. ( I only did that because my parents did it to me). We get to last 2 presents and he opens the figure then I think he realized the next present was the infinity system. He yelled Oh my Gosh daddy then he comes over and gives me the tightest hug he has ever given me. If you see the pictures above. He started crying  while hugging me and said: Daddy I didn’t deserve all of this, your such a good daddy. He cried for at least three minutes. I told him how proud I was of him, that he did deserve it, that I was thankful to be his daddy, and he was an amazing little boy. I just held him because I didn’t want that moment to end. If you see the other pics the football he smiled and the other pic shows the tears in his eyes with his Infinity.

When something like that happens I can look at all the bad I had done in my past or I can look at the here and now. My amazing family, my beautiful loving teenage daughter and my son. That was so humbled at 7 that he said that he didn’t deserve the gift and he’s sensitive enough to know its okay to cry in front of others. No matter my mistakes who I am today is what matters. The past helped shape me but my today is what makes me. I know when I pray everyday for my kids and ask God to give me wisdom. He has heard my prayers and now allows me to speak the correct words and not mine.  So yes I’m giving myself credit today. The most important job for a man is to raise his kids. If I or we don’t the world will and that leads to Rock Bottom.
To the smartest, funniest, most loving, hugging, wittiest boy I know, I love you Brayden Wood. Big thank you to my sister for snapping the photos and caring so much for us.





Day 831 My love letter to my daughter

6 05 2015

My beautiful angel becomes a teenager tomorrow 13 years old Wow. Nobody I know has ever said a bad thing about her and everyone goes out of their way to compliment her. This is my love letter to my beautiful daughter.

When we were pregnant with you and found out you were going to be a girl no matter how excited we were I was so afraid to have a little a girl. These questions rolled around in my head… What do you do with a girl? What if I squeeze her to hard, I don’t know what to do with hair, how do you play dolls, how do I do makeup, what about her period. Does she know I’m going to beat up all the boys that talk to her. Does she know I don’t want to screw her up? I tried my best to be a good daddy but I had so many of my issues with worth and being afraid that I pushed some responsibilities on your mom that I should have taken care of. I always made sure you dressed well, I even changed 29 diapers when you had the ROTO virus, I l put dresses on your stuffed animals and held you in my lap, I even laid on the floor and let you put make up on me one time. I look back on the years when you were a little girl and a lot of it was a blur. No matter how much I tried to “there” my body was there but my mind was not. I have pictures and you look happy in them but I wasn’t and I know I messed up a lot. I wanted to be better but didn’t know how. No matter what I did you loved me and always told me. When your mom and I fought around you and yelled I never knew the damage we were doing but I didn’t know either because I was to busy worrying about myself.

Fast forward to after our divorce. I knew the only way you would ever feel the loved you and your brother deserved was for me to wake up and become the man and father you needed and deserved. If I didn’t you would find someone like I was and that made me sick. I started getting help and started seeing  how important I was for you. If I could love you and show you that the chances of you being healthy and not looking for a crappy hairy legged guy your chances would be better. I remember the day I moved out of the house and I looked at you and my heart swelled with pride. I looked at you and said that’s my daughter, that’s my blood and wow she is all the best of me. Your gorgeous, your eyes and how you carry yourself would make any parent proud, Your tall, striking and you carry a presence, your independent and at the same time you don’t tolerate crap you’re so accepting of others and what they go through. You took your recess at school and helped the challenged kids and loved them and hugged them when I was afraid of them. Your heart breaks when any animal is hurt, when you see a story about people hurting your heart hurts. You go to the adult  rehab with  your mom and you change the older people’s day by loving them and telling them how special they are. You do everything for your brother. Yes you slap him around a bit but you tell him you love him and watch over him with the most love. I never knew what I would want in a girl but with 13 years of life with you: You are it. God could have never painted a better picture and brought it to life with you.

Finally Morgan Elizabeth Wood: Thank you for giving me a second chance to be your daddy. I wake up every morning knowing nothing is more important than you and your brother. No matter what I did or do you accept me and  you know I m doing my best. I feel it in my heart and see it in your eyes. I will and would die for you at any moment. There is not a bigger cheerleader for you than me. I will be here in your best and your darkest moments. No man will ever love you as much as your daddy. Don’t worry a few months ago when you told me you were proud of me my heart skipped a beat and got stronger because of you. Your truly amazing! Happy 13th birthday Morgan

I love you daddy!!!





Day 831 My love letter to my daughter

6 05 2015

My beautiful angel becomes a teenager tomorrow 13 years old Wow. Nobody I know has ever said a bad thing about her and everyone goes out of their way to compliment her. This is my love letter to my beautiful daughter.

When we were pregnant with you and found out you were going to be a girl no matter how excited we were I was so afraid to have a little a girl. These questions rolled around in my head… What do you do with a girl? What if I squeeze her to hard, I don’t know what to do with hair, how do you play dolls, how do I do makeup, what about her period. Does she know I’m going to beat up all the boys that talk to her. Does she know I don’t want to screw her up? I tried my best to be a good daddy but I had so many of my issues with worth and being afraid that I pushed some responsibilities on your mom that I should have taken care of. I always made sure you dressed well, I even changed 29 diapers when you had the ROTO virus, I l put dresses on your stuffed animals and held you in my lap, I even laid on the floor and let you put make up on me one time. I look back on the years when you were a little girl and a lot of it was a blur. No matter how much I tried to “there” my body was there but my mind was not. I have pictures and you look happy in them but I wasn’t and I know I messed up a lot. I wanted to be better but didn’t know how. No matter what I did you loved me and always told me. When your mom and I fought around you and yelled I never knew the damage we were doing but I didn’t know either because I was to busy worrying about myself.

Fast forward to after our divorce. I knew the only way you would ever feel the loved you and your brother deserved was for me to wake up and become the man and father you needed and deserved. If I didn’t you would find someone like I was and that made me sick. I started getting help and started seeing  how important I was for you. If I could love you and show you that the chances of you being healthy and not looking for a crappy hairy legged guy your chances would be better. I remember the day I moved out of the house and I looked at you and my heart swelled with pride. I looked at you and said that’s my daughter, that’s my blood and wow she is all the best of me. Your gorgeous, your eyes and how you carry yourself would make any parent proud, Your tall, striking and you carry a presence, your independent and at the same time you don’t tolerate crap you’re so accepting of others and what they go through. You took your recess at school and helped the challenged kids and loved them and hugged them when I was afraid of them. Your heart breaks when any animal is hurt, when you see a story about people hurting your heart hurts. You go to the adult  rehab with  your mom and you change the older people’s day by loving them and telling them how special they are. You do everything for your brother. Yes you slap him around a bit but you tell him you love him and watch over him with the most love. I never knew what I would want in a girl but with 13 years of life with you: You are it. God could have never painted a better picture and brought it to life with you.

Finally Morgan Elizabeth Wood: Thank you for giving me a second chance to be your daddy. I wake up every morning knowing nothing is more important than you and your brother. No matter what I did or do you accept me and  you know I m doing my best. I feel it in my heart and see it in your eyes. I will and would die for you at any moment. There is not a bigger cheerleader for you than me. I will be here in your best and your darkest moments. No man will ever love you as much as your daddy. Don’t worry a few months ago when you told me you were proud of me my heart skipped a beat and got stronger because of you. Your truly amazing! Happy 13th birthday Morgan

I love you daddy!!!





Day 222 One year ago tomorrow

19 08 2013

I had amazingly exhausting weekend with my kids. We did school shopping, apartment shopping, and the North Texas Fair and Rodeo. It’s great because it’s a small version of the state Fair of Texas and I get to see a lot of folks I haven’t seen in a long time.  Also I got pictures for my walls finally so Im awesome I know.

This day one year ago I was planning for the truly unknown. I had been with the same women since I was 22 years old and all of that was about to come to an end. There is no way to prepare for a section of your life to end but since I over analyze I tried. I thought about what to say, or not say, how to say good-bye, that if you start to cry to keep looking at the ground. Why am I dressing up to go to this then I remembered its like a funeral. About 10 friends and family said to call and text and tell them when it’s over. I wondered what do I say to them and do they really care or just being nice to me. I slept about two hrs that night and actually woke up refreshed, or fearful like I was about to take the SAT again and I had no idea what I was doing. So what do you do the morning your going to get divorced? I went to my spot where I go to clear my mind and drank coffee. I don’t drink coffee! I prayed that morning for everyone that I had effected and everything that was changing because of this. I prayed for my children like I never had and I actually prayed for me. Not that God give me this or that but he help me find a path that he wanted and I could follow.  That all of the counseling and therapy was real and I was truly becoming the man I thought I was capable. I wanted to rid myself of the hate and bitterness that follows divorce. My loudest prayer is that I would never have to make this drive to a courthouse because I hurt another women, that I would understand what a women needs and that I would be a leader in my household and not just give it lip service. My promise that I made with God was please never let me be in a relationship again if I can’t be the man you intended and never let me hurt a women in the way I did.

As I drove to the courthouse I turned off the radio which is how I usually calm down and just sat in the silence of my thoughts. 14 years of memories two children, one child who will never remember he parents being married, the bad memories of the past years were there but also the good memories and there many. I got to the courthouse and it looked different from the other 100 times I drove past it, but I knew it was time to get out. I had weak knees and my hands were shaking. You have to take everything out of your pockets and go through a metal detector to get inside the courthouse and I guess I was visible a mess and I remember the lady with the wand looking at me and said” its okay sweetheart you start over today” I guess she knew i was getting divorced or I wrote it on my forehead! I went to the courtroom and there she was a women who now felt like a complete stranger. I saw her and wondered is this really happening and did we really marry. It’s amazing how when you’re divorcing that person becomes such a stranger and like you never knew them. Eye contact with her was very limited but for the first time in a while there was a sense of peace.

In this past year I am a new man and definitely for the better. I’m still single but I know I’m one heck of a catch for the right women. I work hard at it and in his same year I’m a daddy that my daddy would be proud of. I’m a better son, a better friend, I give more compliments but mostly Im not fake anymore. What you see is what you get and if you ask a question you get a real answer.  I still have a ton of fears that cause me not to see who I really can be, but I work on that too. I will honestly say my divorce is the best thing that happened to me. I miss my family but marriage is a two-way street and sometimes the streets never cross, but I know what I can and will offer and that God loves me no matter how big my bank account, the kind of car I drive, the amount of friends I have or how many sins my past created.

For every person that follows my blog, that encourages me,, that attacks me,  that thinks I’m weird, loves me, I needed all of you and will need you more. I can’t thank all of you enough.!!!!

 





Day 222 One year ago tomorrow

18 08 2013

I had amazingly exhausting weekend with my kids. We did school shopping, apartment shopping, and the North Texas Fair and Rodeo. It’s great because it’s a small version of the state Fair of Texas and I get to see a lot of folks I haven’t seen in a long time.  Also I got pictures for my walls finally so Im awesome I know.

This day one year ago I was planning for the truly unknown. I had been with the same women since I was 22 years old and all of that was about to come to an end. There is no way to prepare for a section of your life to end but since I over analyze I tried. I thought about what to say, or not say, how to say good-bye, that if you start to cry to keep looking at the ground. Why am I dressing up to go to this then I remembered its like a funeral. About 10 friends and family said to call and text and tell them when it’s over. I wondered what do I say to them and do they really care or just being nice to me. I slept about two hrs that night and actually woke up refreshed, or fearful like I was about to take the SAT again and I had no idea what I was doing. So what do you do the morning your going to get divorced? I went to my spot where I go to clear my mind and drank coffee. I don’t drink coffee! I prayed that morning for everyone that I had effected and everything that was changing because of this. I prayed for my children like I never had and I actually prayed for me. Not that God give me this or that but he help me find a path that he wanted and I could follow.  That all of the counseling and therapy was real and I was truly becoming the man I thought I was capable. I wanted to rid myself of the hate and bitterness that follows divorce. My loudest prayer is that I would never have to make this drive to a courthouse because I hurt another women, that I would understand what a women needs and that I would be a leader in my household and not just give it lip service. My promise that I made with God was please never let me be in a relationship again if I can’t be the man you intended and never let me hurt a women in the way I did.

As I drove to the courthouse I turned off the radio which is how I usually calm down and just sat in the silence of my thoughts. 14 years of memories two children, one child who will never remember he parents being married, the bad memories of the past years were there but also the good memories and there many. I got to the courthouse and it looked different from the other 100 times I drove past it, but I knew it was time to get out. I had weak knees and my hands were shaking. You have to take everything out of your pockets and go through a metal detector to get inside the courthouse and I guess I was visible a mess and I remember the lady with the wand looking at me and said” its okay sweetheart you start over today” I guess she knew i was getting divorced or I wrote it on my forehead! I went to the courtroom and there she was a women who now felt like a complete stranger. I saw her and wondered is this really happening and did we really marry. It’s amazing how when you’re divorcing that person becomes such a stranger and like you never knew them. Eye contact with her was very limited but for the first time in a while there was a sense of peace.

In this past year I am a new man and definitely for the better. I’m still single but I know I’m one heck of a catch for the right women. I work hard at it and in his same year I’m a daddy that my daddy would be proud of. I’m a better son, a better friend, I give more compliments but mostly Im not fake anymore. What you see is what you get and if you ask a question you get a real answer.  I still have a ton of fears that cause me not to see who I really can be, but I work on that too. I will honestly say my divorce is the best thing that happened to me. I miss my family but marriage is a two-way street and sometimes the streets never cross, but I know what I can and will offer and that God loves me no matter how big my bank account, the kind of car I drive, the amount of friends I have or how many sins my past created.

For every person that follows my blog, that encourages me,, that attacks me,  that thinks I’m weird, loves me, I needed all of you and will need you more. I can’t thank all of you enough.!!!!








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