Day 617 What Im scared of

6 10 2014

My sports weekend was greatness. My high school won their homecoming game which  I attended, my TCU Horned Frogs upset  the Oklahoma Sooners, and my beloved Cowboys Won and actually look like a real team. Most importantly though my sons team won their first flag football game 21-7. They were so happy. The innocence s it’s still a game at that age is greatness and no matter do they get snack.

When I don’t have my kids a try to fill my schedule to keep my mind occupied. It maybe blogging, concert, church, men’s group, sporting event, or driving. I escape when I drive I crank up the radio and take my mind many places. Some good and some not so good. It says in Philippians 4 versus 6 and 7: Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything; tell God your needs and don’t forget to thank him for his answers. If you do this you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as your trust in Christ Jesus. Okay so I believe it and I promise I try to follow it but I fall so short. Replace worry with scared I think they go hand in hand.  When I drive my mind goes to those places where I’m worry and I get scared. I do pray about them but I haven’t found that peace but I know it’s still I’m trying to understand Jesus and what he’s doing with me. So what scares me: I never said any of this was right, thoughtful, logical, not selfish, or good to think about just my thoughts.

Not fulfilling my life. I miss the boat and I never get the fill the peace because what I thought was fulfilling was for me and not others. That something happens to me the week I don’t have my kids and nobody finds me for a few days. Do my kids reach their potential, or did what we do  to them through our divorced screw them up. Will I truly have fun again or put on a funny face so people think its real, will I do half of the things on my bucket list. Will I let go of the past things that I still beat myself up about, will people look back and say that’s what you need to pattern yourself as a man. Will I ever fall in love again, will I allow myself to fall in love again. Will I get married again, will I wear a ring on my finger again, will I love you ever have the same meaning, Do I have to keep doing this dating bullshit because it sucks, How will my mom deteriorate from Parkinson’s. Will I get to see my son and daughter married, will I be a grandparent, when okay isn’t enough, do I make enough money, will I lose my health, am I really a changed man, why can’t I find my happiness, what are my dreams now. What happens when I get lost.

So that’s what goes through my mind. I know pretty scary place. I will continue following God’s word and putting people in my life that are there to help carry on my life and write more chapters. I can only handle one at a time so I start by grabbing one of those. Anyway I know that worrying will get me a big fat zero so Im working on faith and that I can only do what its in front of me. I also know Im not on a island with my thoughts and that helps too.

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Day 617 What Im scared of

5 10 2014

My sports weekend was greatness. My high school won their homecoming game which  I attended, my TCU Horned Frogs upset  the Oklahoma Sooners, and my beloved Cowboys Won and actually look like a real team. Most importantly though my sons team won their first flag football game 21-7. They were so happy. The innocence s it’s still a game at that age is greatness and no matter do they get snack.

When I don’t have my kids a try to fill my schedule to keep my mind occupied. It maybe blogging, concert, church, men’s group, sporting event, or driving. I escape when I drive I crank up the radio and take my mind many places. Some good and some not so good. It says in Philippians 4 versus 6 and 7: Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything; tell God your needs and don’t forget to thank him for his answers. If you do this you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as your trust in Christ Jesus. Okay so I believe it and I promise I try to follow it but I fall so short. Replace worry with scared I think they go hand in hand.  When I drive my mind goes to those places where I’m worry and I get scared. I do pray about them but I haven’t found that peace but I know it’s still I’m trying to understand Jesus and what he’s doing with me. So what scares me: I never said any of this was right, thoughtful, logical, not selfish, or good to think about just my thoughts.

Not fulfilling my life. I miss the boat and I never get the fill the peace because what I thought was fulfilling was for me and not others. That something happens to me the week I don’t have my kids and nobody finds me for a few days. Do my kids reach their potential, or did what we do  to them through our divorced screw them up. Will I truly have fun again or put on a funny face so people think its real, will I do half of the things on my bucket list. Will I let go of the past things that I still beat myself up about, will people look back and say that’s what you need to pattern yourself as a man. Will I ever fall in love again, will I allow myself to fall in love again. Will I get married again, will I wear a ring on my finger again, will I love you ever have the same meaning, Do I have to keep doing this dating bullshit because it sucks, How will my mom deteriorate from Parkinson’s. Will I get to see my son and daughter married, will I be a grandparent, when okay isn’t enough, do I make enough money, will I lose my health, am I really a changed man, why can’t I find my happiness, what are my dreams now. What happens when I get lost.

So that’s what goes through my mind. I know pretty scary place. I will continue following God’s word and putting people in my life that are there to help carry on my life and write more chapters. I can only handle one at a time so I start by grabbing one of those. Anyway I know that worrying will get me a big fat zero so Im working on faith and that I can only do what its in front of me. I also know Im not on a island with my thoughts and that helps too.





Day 611 I have a pretty kick butt life

29 09 2014

There have been a lot of changes in life lately. Sometimes I want to blog about them and sometimes the words just aren’t there. Also there are actually things in my life I don’t talk about because its nobody’s business.  I have been told the past two weeks that my blogs have been  really good. I guess the others have sucked lol. When I speak from my heart no matter, how raw or hurtful, or deep they may go those are my best blogs. I appreciate you reading and also when I see you out in public and I had no idea you read them but you let me know.

I always get suggestions about my blog. Write about this or that. I use a lot of them and Im using one I got Friday. My friend said you never write about being happy. I know you and you’re a really happy person. It’s not that I don’t because if you follow my blog where I am at today in my life I think my blogs come across more like than I am happy than not.  I write my blog to help me but to also helps those that feel a certain way or feel in the future. I have been through hell and back and where  am at now is pretty good. So with the advice here I go.

I have the best intermediate family any man could ask for. My kids are so amazing they have overcome everything we threw at them and are still standing tall.. My mother is the best mom even with Parkinson’s you would n’t know, she has never let me down and I always can count on her.  I love her so much and Im still her little boy. My sister is a badasss. She loves and is an amazing giver. My nephew is the smartest and most athletic kid. Im a grinder, Im an over-comer. I have shed more bad crap in my life in the past 2.5 years than most will do in a lifetime. I see things that most people  cant or wont. Im vulnerable, raw open, loving, I will give the shirt off my back. Those things are new but so happy that I can finally be that way. I have the best friends in the world. They are all different in their friendship with me but bring something amazing to the to the table. I have 3 very good friends that I guess would be called secret friends because of life circumstances but they have been my rock and carried me through some tough times. I wish I could mention them but they are okay just be there for me and vice versa. I have finally found my calling in that I have Rock Bottom Outreach which is my new family. I was accepted with open arms and now we have a bond and connection that we using to change lives. This has allowed me to speak to different groups of men, women and high school kids. Since I layout it all on the line my story is helping people change themselves.

I get to blog and have tons of readers and support, Sure I have haters but haters are just people waiting to let go of themselves so they can gone my team to help others. Im learning to love again. Its so slow and somedays painful but Im taking steps. If my journey is 100 steps Im on step three. I was on step one for 36 years so that a good thing. Sure I could give a list of problems but Im choosing to live my life moving forward and not backward. That is making me happy. If you talk to me everyday you know my struggles but you also know Im great to be around and Im funny. I love-making others laugh and that makes me happy. I weigh less and look better than any other point in my life. I weigh what I did in 8th grade. So with that. Im happy and lucky to be where I am at. My life is pretty kick butt and where I struggle Im fighting it and trying to make it better. Im bring in the good and getting rid of the bad. I couldn’t ask for much more but I do, but its to do better for others When I decided that my life will be lived for others my live became pretty kick butt. I appreciate the journey and truly thankful for the pain, anguish, the lost people , the lost life I had so I could be here.  Im kicking butt and only have more planned.





Day 611 I have a pretty kick butt life

28 09 2014

There have been a lot of changes in life lately. Sometimes I want to blog about them and sometimes the words just aren’t there. Also there are actually things in my life I don’t talk about because its nobody’s business.  I have been told the past two weeks that my blogs have been  really good. I guess the others have sucked lol. When I speak from my heart no matter, how raw or hurtful, or deep they may go those are my best blogs. I appreciate you reading and also when I see you out in public and I had no idea you read them but you let me know.

I always get suggestions about my blog. Write about this or that. I use a lot of them and Im using one I got Friday. My friend said you never write about being happy. I know you and you’re a really happy person. It’s not that I don’t because if you follow my blog where I am at today in my life I think my blogs come across more like than I am happy than not.  I write my blog to help me but to also helps those that feel a certain way or feel in the future. I have been through hell and back and where  am at now is pretty good. So with the advice here I go.

I have the best intermediate family any man could ask for. My kids are so amazing they have overcome everything we threw at them and are still standing tall.. My mother is the best mom even with Parkinson’s you would n’t know, she has never let me down and I always can count on her.  I love her so much and Im still her little boy. My sister is a badasss. She loves and is an amazing giver. My nephew is the smartest and most athletic kid. Im a grinder, Im an over-comer. I have shed more bad crap in my life in the past 2.5 years than most will do in a lifetime. I see things that most people  cant or wont. Im vulnerable, raw open, loving, I will give the shirt off my back. Those things are new but so happy that I can finally be that way. I have the best friends in the world. They are all different in their friendship with me but bring something amazing to the to the table. I have 3 very good friends that I guess would be called secret friends because of life circumstances but they have been my rock and carried me through some tough times. I wish I could mention them but they are okay just be there for me and vice versa. I have finally found my calling in that I have Rock Bottom Outreach which is my new family. I was accepted with open arms and now we have a bond and connection that we using to change lives. This has allowed me to speak to different groups of men, women and high school kids. Since I layout it all on the line my story is helping people change themselves.

I get to blog and have tons of readers and support, Sure I have haters but haters are just people waiting to let go of themselves so they can gone my team to help others. Im learning to love again. Its so slow and somedays painful but Im taking steps. If my journey is 100 steps Im on step three. I was on step one for 36 years so that a good thing. Sure I could give a list of problems but Im choosing to live my life moving forward and not backward. That is making me happy. If you talk to me everyday you know my struggles but you also know Im great to be around and Im funny. I love-making others laugh and that makes me happy. I weigh less and look better than any other point in my life. I weigh what I did in 8th grade. So with that. Im happy and lucky to be where I am at. My life is pretty kick butt and where I struggle Im fighting it and trying to make it better. Im bring in the good and getting rid of the bad. I couldn’t ask for much more but I do, but its to do better for others When I decided that my life will be lived for others my live became pretty kick butt. I appreciate the journey and truly thankful for the pain, anguish, the lost people , the lost life I had so I could be here.  Im kicking butt and only have more planned.

 





Day 147 WTF is up with my past

2 06 2013

This is going to be a long one so please bear with me , I may bounce around and apply some feedback. I love my church and pastor Cross Timbers Community Church and pastor Toby Slough. When I need to hear something the most I always get what I need to hear. Today was no different and in the Summer we do a movie series called reel to real. Today’s movie was Legend of Bagger Vance. If you want a movie with a message  that we all need to hear this it. It’s about Golf but so much more than that its about overcoming our past.

I have had a shitty 6 weeks especially dealing with my mom her Parkinson’s, Last week her jewelry was stolen (All the items my dad gave her) and on Friday evening our barn was broken into and the last items left over from my dad were stolen. I have had a lot of work issues which have led to money problems and then which leads to my past returning.

Let me be honest and say I hide my blog and text now. I write all of this great information and knowledge and apply it about as well as a teenager does about not being moody. I’m a coward and I haven’t laid my past down yet. I’m being honest that’s all. I know many people will say why do you do this and I’m being honest because honestly you won’t. Did you know the number 1 issues that counselors are dealing with now is an epidemic called Facebook depression. Yes we all read people Facebook postings and wonder why our lives aren’t that great. Yes we are that stupid and believe. We know better, we are all broken, hurt, fearful and we want people to think we are the greatest thing PB&J. Were not but its easier to lie to ourselves and others. Those people who are the Amen and Halleiugh people at church are the same one’s that go home drink a beer to hide, eat a chocolate bar, sniff crap up our nose, fight with our family but once we walk out the door act like we are the Brady bunch. Well remember the Brady bunch was a screw up family outside of TV.

So I say all of this why? I can’t shake my past. Especially when bad shit happens. Religion says, Pray more, talk to God, pick your self up. Bible says that in the midst of the fire, the storm, God is there. He doesn’t condemn us. So why do I do it every minute of my life. I’m a coward, I’m afraid to succeed, I’m afraid to be happy because this uniform of shit I wear has become pretty comfortable. I could have had the best women in my past already, or in my face right now but I want whoever she is to go away. I’m not worth it. I’m a giant _____ fill in the blank.

Do you know why the windshield is bigger than back window because your future is bigger and brighter. I just choose to look into the rear view mirror because I like the crash is coming. Now I will tell you know I don’t want that but that’s what I’m doing. It’s not what you say it’s what you do.

Trailer Legend of Baggar Vance

Today in the movie The Legend of Bagger Vance Matt Damon (Junugh) and Will Smith (Bagger Vance) build a relationship on golf but it’s so much more than that. Bagger is the Holy Spirit and is always with Junugh. The story goes Junugh was a great amateur golfer maybe the best and then he got drafted into World one. Everybody in his troop died except Junugh. He came home and for 15 years didn’t talk to anyone except the bottle and came one with it. A giant golf tournament was coming to Savannah Georgia with the best pros in the world and Savannah wanted one of their own and insert Junugh. Junugh had lost his swing because his past had become his swing. Bagger becomes his caddy and they get to this tournament and Junugh was doing great and then the past enters. He hits into the deepest woods of the golf course and he’s there with just him and the ball in the midst of the crap of the woods.  (Insert Tyler) He is about to reach down and do the easy thing and move the ball for a better shot and Bagger appears and : Says you looking for a different club? Junugh: I can’t do this, Bagger yes you can. Juugh: No you don’t understand.  I can’t carry this burden. Bagger: You have to lay this burden down, you have to start. Junugh: I don’t know how. Bagger: You have to believe and just start. I’m here with you.

The only power he ( the devil) or others have over me is the power I give them. I know I have to start and I know what the world, religion says. I have to lay down my past. I have to try to see what others see in me. If I don’t I will die a lonely, defeated, broken man who let down my children. I don’t want that.

I hope you can realize with me as I walk this journey that you have to lay it down and realize its okay not to be okay. Being real is okay! Please pray for me and everyone your surround by.





Day 132 Find the good in this crap

17 05 2013

This week will be remembered for all the crazy things that happened.  My mom started her Parkinson’s medicine, I had a close friend our age die of cardiac arrest and a large chuck of my home town was destroyed by a tornado. It was a week of gutting it up and looking for the good in the bad. That may be one of the toughest thing in the midst of tragedy. The pic below is dark but that a .5 mile wide tornado that hit my hometown. The town has pulled together great and I’m so proud of them.

Photo: Massive wedge tornado captured by Paige Burress  moving into Cleburne, TX at 8:15.

My mom has handled the Parkinson’s diagnoses much better than I expected. She is one tough cookie and always will be. My friend who died was unexpected and so slap into reality. I sat at the church memorial and thought what my kids would do without me and have I said what I needed to to the one’s I care about. Of course the answer was no but I’m so much closer than I was a year ago. I know many people’s home were destroyed but not one life was taken in my hometown.  I have lost all my stuff, the past 4 years and I know you miss it but I still have my life and its gotten a lot better. I have people who I know love me for who I am not what I do for them. I m reading a book about gratitude and it states every time to find the good in the bad. Its one of the hardest things I do. We have never been wired that way but it defiantly makes life easier when we can see things that way. I miss seeing my kids 191 days of the year but I see them the other half. My mom my have Parkinson’s but she’s still here and I get to tell her I love her everyday. When I go to my hometown everyone is alive and rebuilding.

I’m a work in progress but if I can live in the spirit of being thankful and finding the good in the crap then maybe it becomes contagious.  I would ask you to tell the people who you care about that your sorry and you love them. Tell them how great they are. If not the next time you talk to them they may be just a thought in your head.








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