Day 1852 Alone or Lonely? This hurts to hear.

11 04 2018

Hello from lovely Naples Florida. I have a job now that I travel when my babies are with their mom. So I get to jet set around the U.S. Its better than sitting at home with an unoccupied mind.  I enjoy it because I see a lot I haven’t seen. It’s cool how after a few years how areas change. So I try to soak it up and not stand out which is hard because I don’t hide well.

Alone or Lonely. I believe these get so misunderstood so often and there is a huge difference. I have never met one person who likes to be lonely but I have met many people who enjoy being alone. Being alone is a necessity in learning how to be a fully mature adult. You have to learn how to be with you, what do you like, are you comfortable in your own skin, can you do something by yourself. You need the alone time to reflect, talk to God or whoever you talk to. Alone is learning to be free or have freedom. I believe learning to be alone is a positive, you rely on you, even in a relationship you need to learn to be alone.

Lonely is a feeling you would probably come up against right after a break up, divorce, separation, distance, etc. The contact you had with another is no longer there, but you are wishing and longing for it. You are wanting it so bad that it affects you. We all l know people, not  a person that can’t stand being alone or lonely. Thats called Co-Dependant. Someone has to be there, they don’t feel loved, cared for or that they matter. They find their happiness in someone or something else and cannot stand being with themselves. Social media is a great place to watch people bounce from one relationship, to another.

Everyone gets lonely especially if your by yourself a lot and there is nothing wrong with be lonely except when you can’t do anything by yourself. have you ever went to a movie by yourself, dinner by yourself, sat at the lake by yourself etc… and it felt good? If not I think its imperative. If you are looking at people to fill that void you will be truly let down.

Before you can start another  relationship, whether it be a friend, you must first learn the joy and see the bliss of alone. If you search for someone or something to fill the void of your loneliness, you will find the exact same thing. Another person who is lonely and looking to fill a void. No one should start a relationship of any kind while they are lonely. It is an equation for failure which will push you to start over on your own journey of loneliness. Once you are alone and are perfectly happy with your alone, it is only then that one might open their eyes to the possibility of another relationship. You will naturally be attracted to someone else who is alone. You will find an equal to you, not someone who adds or subtracts something from you. You will share so many things in common, because you overcame loneliness and found your bliss being alone.

So another something I learned from being co-Dependent for most of my entire life. Like attracts like. Be alone so you will never be lonely.

Love you and carry on.

 

 

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Day 920 This is what I don’t have

3 08 2015

This morning one of my friends got baptized and I cried. With change comes a heart of compassion. I remember being dunked in the water last year and what it symbolized for me. My friend Chris has had his fair share of crap that he brought on but also things that he didn’t ask for. There was a  group of the churches youth up by the baptism water and a boy turned around and said sir why are you crying. I said I can’t explain it unless you’ve been there but that is what you call rising through the ashes. I hope you never get there but if you do remember God never leaves us! Pretty good little Sunday if I do say so.

This is what I don’t have!! Okay Im not going to write what I don’t have sorry to let you down but Im going to write about the good I have in my life. This blog came on from a meme that I had saved on my phone. I was looking for a little encouragement yesterday after driving around for about 3 hrs cleaning my brain. I always used to be a glass half empty guy but im learning that its better to have a little than none at all.

Remember when

Its coming up on three years since my divorce and I won’t forget the way I felt standing in that courthouse. I had no idea which way was going to be up. I didn’t know how to be a dad, how to function on my own.  I doubted my self every second of everyday. Now almost three years later, sure I still doubt but it’s so many fewer times. Every time I turn it over to God its goes the way it should. I have won so many battles but not with people because if we win those we actually lose. I’m talking about the battles of the mind that tell us you’re not lovable, worthy, your not good at ABC. 3 years ago I feared my own shadow and now I welcome its company. I was reminded last night of things I forget about myself and about who I am and what I’ve overcome. It’s always easy everyday to wake up and say I can’t do this or I haven’t made any real changes. I would beg you to start everyday listing one or two things that you have overcome,  a fear your overcoming, a battle within you that you have conquered. Your doing such an amazing job compared to what you think you are. For me, Everyday to be the best father and never be selfish,  I’m learning to love me, I have a heart for God, to do something good everyday, to help at the drop of the hat to be there for someone, my fear of not being lovable, I slowly learning that be by myself is okay. Sometimes just keeping my head above water and not tucking tail and running.  Providing you hope when you feel there is none is what I like the most. So today stop and recognize the things you have done and where you’re at compared to just one year ago. Be proud of yourself if that means  you were at your rock bottom or there now , it only goes up from here. I’m living proof that the most broken, worst self esteem, pathetic man full of excuses can change and its been so worth it.





Day 920 This is what I don’t have

2 08 2015

This morning one of my friends got baptized and I cried. With change comes a heart of compassion. I remember being dunked in the water last year and what it symbolized for me. My friend Chris has had his fair share of crap that he brought on but also things that he didn’t ask for. There was a  group of the churches youth up by the baptism water and a boy turned around and said sir why are you crying. I said I can’t explain it unless you’ve been there but that is what you call rising through the ashes. I hope you never get there but if you do remember God never leaves us! Pretty good little Sunday if I do say so.

This is what I don’t have!! Okay Im not going to write what I don’t have sorry to let you down but Im going to write about the good I have in my life. This blog came on from a meme that I had saved on my phone. I was looking for a little encouragement yesterday after driving around for about 3 hrs cleaning my brain. I always used to be a glass half empty guy but im learning that its better to have a little than none at all.

Remember when

Its coming up on three years since my divorce and I won’t forget the way I felt standing in that courthouse. I had no idea which way was going to be up. I didn’t know how to be a dad, how to function on my own.  I doubted my self every second of everyday. Now almost three years later, sure I still doubt but it’s so many fewer times. Every time I turn it over to God its goes the way it should. I have won so many battles but not with people because if we win those we actually lose. I’m talking about the battles of the mind that tell us you’re not lovable, worthy, your not good at ABC. 3 years ago I feared my own shadow and now I welcome its company. I was reminded last night of things I forget about myself and about who I am and what I’ve overcome. It’s always easy everyday to wake up and say I can’t do this or I haven’t made any real changes. I would beg you to start everyday listing one or two things that you have overcome,  a fear your overcoming, a battle within you that you have conquered. Your doing such an amazing job compared to what you think you are. For me, Everyday to be the best father and never be selfish,  I’m learning to love me, I have a heart for God, to do something good everyday, to help at the drop of the hat to be there for someone, my fear of not being lovable, I slowly learning that be by myself is okay. Sometimes just keeping my head above water and not tucking tail and running.  Providing you hope when you feel there is none is what I like the most. So today stop and recognize the things you have done and where you’re at compared to just one year ago. Be proud of yourself if that means  you were at your rock bottom or there now , it only goes up from here. I’m living proof that the most broken, worst self esteem, pathetic man full of excuses can change and its been so worth it.

 

 





Day 665 But what about what I do have

24 11 2014

My babies are back which means were busy. I baked my first two pies yesterday for extended family thanksgiving and a Rock Bottom event today. I was impressed and so was everyone per what was said. Two points for me. I love this time of year because either forced or not we get together  with our family and friends and laugh and share memories. We had one of our quarterly rallies with Rock Bottom Outreach. It’s so great to get together and hear how people rise from the ashes. Life is about overcoming and I’m surrounded by so many people who have done just that.

For many years it was about me, I was entitled, greedy, selfish, and downright rude when I needed or wanted something. needed is always a loose term because what we need is so is so less compared to what is really needed. I never told anyone how many things I had but all the things I didn’t. Even when I got one of the needed items I still complained and just added something else to my list.It was always stuff to. I’m damn sure wasn’t the important things that mattered. About 9 months ago in a talk with Rick Smith he mentioned something in a talk we had that you have to learn to be thankful for what got you here. I kind of ignored it at the time but the more I thought about it. I never gave thanks for the bad things or what really mattered. It was I was taking credit for God’s work and not giving thanks. When I speak or just having a conversation I try to let people know how I got here but how thankful I am for the struggle and the people in my life. Its one of the hardest things to understand but here I go.

I have the best mom and sister in the world. My kids I think you know how much they mean to me. I also have the 6  best people in my life beside my family. I used to have yes people and people who wouldn’t tell me the truth or what I needed to really here. The 6 folks love me more than I know and will also set me straight when I need it. I have my health, I have a few things wrong  but lucky to be where I am at. My job. There are things about my job I don’t like because it’s a job. I can pay my bills and live a little. When I got divorced in 2012 I had lost so much I thought: I had lost my marriage,  house, full-time custody of my kids, Theses “friends” my dignity, who I was, Then in a matter of two years every one of those thongs Im thankful I lost. I’m actually thankful for my divorce. I would have never become the man I am today. People look at me so weird when I say that. Sure I would love to be married but we were miserable and at that time we  were never going to change for each other. I know moving forward some woman will get a great man and I could have never said that before. I appreciate my apartment. My home is coming but I didn’t appreciate my home. I thought it should be something I was supposed to have. My finances were all about spending, not saving or giving and that has happened. I appreciate my children so much. I don’t love them for how they perform I love them because they are here and mine. I love people I don’t know, I want to help them and I see their pain and want to help them. I used to just blow them off, or just be disgusted by them. No matter how many times I said I didn’t care I always did care what people thought. Now I want you to like me but if you don’t that’s on you. If I do something wrong you wont have time to get mad at me because I will make it right. If you choose to not like me it’s on you. It’s the best feeling because I go to bed every night with no enemies I created. I would have never have let you see me all the dirty and lonely places. I hated them and I didn’t want you to know them either. Now I bear my soul so maybe just maybe somebody will change their life. Finally I’m thankful I fell away from God. I played “church” better than most. i always knew what to say and said really good prayers. Then I would go live exactly the opposite of everything I prayed or said. Sure I still struggle at times, but I know how to be real and come to Jesus with my real stuff. It’s easy to be thankful. We always choose not to be and we complain. I should have this and get what I asked. Be thankful for the easy things but be thankful for the stuff that has formed you. Your still here and your life isn’t nearly bad as you think. If you think so just wait it can be worse. Just be thankful. Listen to what someone says about where you were and where you’re at now. Be proud of the struggle because your pretty darn amazing just like me..





Day 665 But what about what I do have

23 11 2014

My babies are back which means were busy. I baked my first two pies yesterday for extended family thanksgiving and a Rock Bottom event today. I was impressed and so was everyone per what was said. Two points for me. I love this time of year because either forced or not we get together  with our family and friends and laugh and share memories. We had one of our quarterly rallies with Rock Bottom Outreach. It’s so great to get together and hear how people rise from the ashes. Life is about overcoming and I’m surrounded by so many people who have done just that.

For many years it was about me, I was entitled, greedy, selfish, and downright rude when I needed or wanted something. needed is always a loose term because what we need is so is so less compared to what is really needed. I never told anyone how many things I had but all the things I didn’t. Even when I got one of the needed items I still complained and just added something else to my list.It was always stuff to. I’m damn sure wasn’t the important things that mattered. About 9 months ago in a talk with Rick Smith he mentioned something in a talk we had that you have to learn to be thankful for what got you here. I kind of ignored it at the time but the more I thought about it. I never gave thanks for the bad things or what really mattered. It was I was taking credit for God’s work and not giving thanks. When I speak or just having a conversation I try to let people know how I got here but how thankful I am for the struggle and the people in my life. Its one of the hardest things to understand but here I go.

I have the best mom and sister in the world. My kids I think you know how much they mean to me. I also have the 6  best people in my life beside my family. I used to have yes people and people who wouldn’t tell me the truth or what I needed to really here. The 6 folks love me more than I know and will also set me straight when I need it. I have my health, I have a few things wrong  but lucky to be where I am at. My job. There are things about my job I don’t like because it’s a job. I can pay my bills and live a little. When I got divorced in 2012 I had lost so much I thought: I had lost my marriage,  house, full-time custody of my kids, Theses “friends” my dignity, who I was, Then in a matter of two years every one of those thongs Im thankful I lost. I’m actually thankful for my divorce. I would have never become the man I am today. People look at me so weird when I say that. Sure I would love to be married but we were miserable and at that time we  were never going to change for each other. I know moving forward some woman will get a great man and I could have never said that before. I appreciate my apartment. My home is coming but I didn’t appreciate my home. I thought it should be something I was supposed to have. My finances were all about spending, not saving or giving and that has happened. I appreciate my children so much. I don’t love them for how they perform I love them because they are here and mine. I love people I don’t know, I want to help them and I see their pain and want to help them. I used to just blow them off, or just be disgusted by them. No matter how many times I said I didn’t care I always did care what people thought. Now I want you to like me but if you don’t that’s on you. If I do something wrong you wont have time to get mad at me because I will make it right. If you choose to not like me it’s on you. It’s the best feeling because I go to bed every night with no enemies I created. I would have never have let you see me all the dirty and lonely places. I hated them and I didn’t want you to know them either. Now I bear my soul so maybe just maybe somebody will change their life. Finally I’m thankful I fell away from God. I played “church” better than most. i always knew what to say and said really good prayers. Then I would go live exactly the opposite of everything I prayed or said. Sure I still struggle at times, but I know how to be real and come to Jesus with my real stuff. It’s easy to be thankful. We always choose not to be and we complain. I should have this and get what I asked. Be thankful for the easy things but be thankful for the stuff that has formed you. Your still here and your life isn’t nearly bad as you think. If you think so just wait it can be worse. Just be thankful. Listen to what someone says about where you were and where you’re at now. Be proud of the struggle because your pretty darn amazing just like me.





Day 455 Im getting baptized

30 04 2014

Day 455 Im getting baptized.








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