Day 1555 My heart broke but it was about time

28 05 2017

Hello world is it me you’re looking for. Yes Lionel Richie on this Sunday because he was cool and I bond with him.  I have no thing more cool to say so on to the blog.

Have you ever seen or heard of a levee or damn that was about to break or needed to. Yes they need to break  because the only way to fix something is to watch it break open not  patch it. When it breaks open the destruction of many attempted patches and piece mealing is bad but it’s a necessary evil.  it may take years but eventually all things need to be released and new built.

It the past 2.5 years I’ve had 13 people die either who I ministered to, were an important part of my life or the worst one was my mom.  I also lost a relationship that I thought was going to be a marriage, and a few other things I’ll leave alone. You can get pretty jaded to the world and numb. Grief affects everyone differently. It could take years, to start the process, it could start immediately but first and foremost its going to happen. Nobody knows how to deal with their own grief much less yours. So they say something cliché because they are at a loss for words. The intentions are the best but they say they understand even when that can’t. So most people going through grief smile, say thank you and then live in their own personal internal hell when nobody else is around. Men are raised to be tough, hide your emotions, nose to the grind stone even when you know better you still try to be tough. For me I hate others to hurt, I would do anything to take away someone else’s pain even disguise mine like I am okay. Well…..

3 weeks ago after essentially 2.5 of years of pretending to be okay, numb, zombie like some days, angry others that I couldn’t save people or that how dare God take my mom. I smiled but didn’t feel the smile. Some days I hurt like a pain that wouldn’t go away, I would sit in the quite of my house and watch the ceiling fan spin with nothing in my mind, and other times 1000 thoughts every 30 seconds. People would ask, How are you? I would give I’m good, Im fine. What I wanted was someone to hold me, take a high-powered vacuum and suck my heart dry so I could start over but they don’t make that vacuum. I would talk to God, feel good some days others not so much. I would ask him to let me feel again. I know healing and grief is a process no matter how big or small the issue.

So 3 weeks ago I was mowing the yard, listening to music and I was like my God what is going on. I promise I was so weak I let go of the mower and hit my knees but not on purpose. My broken heart, for all the pain of life that either I tried to grieve or hadn’t,poured out on my lawn. I sat down on my butt and cried,  those tears that you wondering is this going to stop. I had so many thoughts cross my mind like those Hollywood moments where pictures flash  thorough so fast its blinding. It started the end of grieving had started. everything I hid, pushed aside, fought at or said wasn’t real spilled onto my shirt.  3 weeks I’ve cried everyday until yesterday. I feel relief but you can not grieve for 2.5 years and expect it to just go away. My heart that had been so broken for so many reasons has started the stitching and my healing is real. With that I hope I can start seeing some of the good things about myself that I miss because of the butt whoop in I put on myself.

Why write this blog: Somebody knows exactly what I feel or felt. They’ve been waiting for years or just moments to start grieving. God didn’t want us to carry this burden but he also knows we have to go through the process to heal not just band-aid the situation. Dont fight the process, it will come, in the mean time a lot can leave your life. When the heart starts breaking let the cut open and let that crap I know for me it was time.

Love you and tank you for reading always

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Day 982 This just needs to be easy

6 10 2015

Had an amazing time yesterday at the State fair of Texas. Its rides, games, car show, animals and so much fried food you become a can of grease. I highly recommend you go and try a bit of it all. Its proof that we as a human race can still be creative and bloated.  I think the fried Frito pie was my favorite and the friend Oreo for desert. Well here’s to another year off of my life.

If you listen to people and conversations a lot they really aren’t they different especially when it comes to being easy. Why can’t this just be easy, why do I have to learn the hard way. If it was just easy I wouldn’t do it again. Heres a good piece of advice. Whatever in your life is easy, leaves easy and we never learn from it being easy. Go ahead I’m waiting. Please tell me what in your life that you learned from that was easy. Or tell me when something came so easy also how easy it left you. We learn through our pain and perseverance. If I could just win the lottery. Those that win 88% of them are bankrupt in 5 years. You have to have some money and lose it so you learn to appreciate it. You have to never have had any money so when you get it maybe you learn to keep it. I didn’t learn how to become a good parent because I was one. I learned from being a horrible parent, it was hard and then I learned.

When we beat someone in whatever sport and it was easy I didn’t learn anything except how to be fat and sassy. It was when the rug was pulled out from me, or I made a mistake, or we took another team to light and we got beat. It’s in the midst or pain, blood, and tears that we learn that life is hard but we learn to overcome. When we learn that life is never going to hand us something and if it does run because that’s a poison dart.

I got asked Thursday night how did you get close to God. Honestly I took credit for all the good and blamed God for all the bad. I essentially gave God my middle finger. When it was easy was because I worked for it and I deserved it. When things were hard I blamed God. Since he always knows best he knew that I was too stubborn to have something easy given to me and I would screw it up. So he let me have my free will until it got so hard I had no choice but to learn the hard way.

Easy come, easy go! I’ve learned through the pain and sad to stay I still do but I’m getting a little wiser. I think age and my heart, mind and body remember the pain. Don’t ask for it to be easy, ask God to teach you the lesson necessary so you don’t repeat or that’s exactly what we will do.





Day 982 This just needs to be easy

5 10 2015

Had an amazing time yesterday at the State fair of Texas. Its rides, games, car show, animals and so much fried food you become a can of grease. I highly recommend you go and try a bit of it all. Its proof that we as a human race can still be creative and bloated.  I think the fried Frito pie was my favorite and the friend Oreo for desert. Well here’s to another year off of my life.

If you listen to people and conversations a lot they really aren’t they different especially when it comes to being easy. Why can’t this just be easy, why do I have to learn the hard way. If it was just easy I wouldn’t do it again. Heres a good piece of advice. Whatever in your life is easy, leaves easy and we never learn from it being easy. Go ahead I’m waiting. Please tell me what in your life that you learned from that was easy. Or tell me when something came so easy also how easy it left you. We learn through our pain and perseverance. If I could just win the lottery. Those that win 88% of them are bankrupt in 5 years. You have to have some money and lose it so you learn to appreciate it. You have to never have had any money so when you get it maybe you learn to keep it. I didn’t learn how to become a good parent because I was one. I learned from being a horrible parent, it was hard and then I learned.

When we beat someone in whatever sport and it was easy I didn’t learn anything except how to be fat and sassy. It was when the rug was pulled out from me, or I made a mistake, or we took another team to light and we got beat. It’s in the midst or pain, blood, and tears that we learn that life is hard but we learn to overcome. When we learn that life is never going to hand us something and if it does run because that’s a poison dart.

I got asked Thursday night how did you get close to God. Honestly I took credit for all the good and blamed God for all the bad. I essentially gave God my middle finger. When it was easy was because I worked for it and I deserved it. When things were hard I blamed God. Since he always knows best he knew that I was too stubborn to have something easy given to me and I would screw it up. So he let me have my free will until it got so hard I had no choice but to learn the hard way.

Easy come, easy go! I’ve learned through the pain and sad to stay I still do but I’m getting a little wiser. I think age and my heart, mind and body remember the pain. Don’t ask for it to be easy, ask God to teach you the lesson necessary so you don’t repeat or that’s exactly what we will do.





Day 891 Its time to touch the sky Tyler

5 07 2015

At midnight tonight I will start a 3 day detox from all social media. I was challenged by my counselor to try it to hear something and avoid the distractions that come with social media. I argued but there are a few issues I have to resolve and I’m at the point that I’m ready. So it may not be a big deal but I struggle with being lovable. So when I need to think about that I run to social media to see what my friends and the world is doing. Its time to be a big boy if I want to have a relationship where I love and want to be loved I have to concentrate on the issue and stop sabotaging myself. Here’s to a first for me!!

We get caught up in our lives, we do the same thing over and over and routine is a life killer. Even we when go on vacation we try to pack so much into our few days off that we need a vacation from our vacation. We never get to truly experience a sense of peace that belongs to just us. That when I get to my spot if its night or day I feel I’m touching the sky. You might be saying what a weirdo what is he talking about. I really feel bad you haven’t felt that but you still can. Maybe in your backyard, in a different county, the mountains, the beach, another country, in your car but you have to find it. It’s the place where you feel a sense of peace, that nothing is wrong, that you can talk out loud to someone that’s  1000’s miles away from you but can still hear you? Or  you connect with a loved one that’s passed or you can just sit there and nothing crosses your mind. It’s a place that God has you and nothing else. I have three of them. One is outside Boulder Colorado, One is in the Sequoia National Forest and the last is on a pier in San Diego California. All three places I have my piece of the sky, one I heard my God and my dad speak to me, one i sat down on a rock and saw the stars I never had and the last one I felt peace like never before. I felt I was going to be okay and every mistake I had made and every time I had fallen down was being handled. Each time when I got back into the car I knew that I had that moment where I felt “okay”  So what does all this mean?

I’m scraping up the money and I’m going back to one  of my places. I have to not just want to. There are some amazing things that have happened in the past 3 years. I couldn’t be more proud of my journey but I know I’m not hearing  some important things in my life. Its time to complete my family, its time to believe in my direction and that what I’m doing with my life is truly what God wants and not me. One day the love of my life can go and share in these places but not until I let whoever she is come in. So if you would pray that I find the finances, listening ear and open heart. Not my will but his.  Until my detox is over love ya!!





Day 786 Im so sorry I lied-I am fearful

22 03 2015

I have my whole crew back and my mom and nephew came up last night as well. We went and saw the movie Do you believe! It was outstanding. Most Hollywood God movies are cheesy acted and predictable but this was not. Also my childhood hero Brian Bozworth was in it and did  great.

I’m fearful and I have lied and told you I wasn’t Here is what goes through my brain and heart if I’m honest.

:you will see my jokes are to cover my insecurities, that my anger is my true feelings about myself, when I’m honest I only hope u accept it and not reject it, that when I’m happy you know that  I don’t believe I deserve it, that every person I’ve kicked out if my life I miss them, that I crave a family again, that when I try to look tough I’m tired of being tough, the lies I told I wish they were true, I never believe I measured up,
That you will see the goodness of my heart and stomp on it again, I trust no one, I’m a great lover, that when I look into your eyes I really am trying to get to know you whoever you are, that I think more like a non-believer than a believer most days, I’m not comfortable in my own skin, my heart can break easier than you know, when u pay me a compliment I say thank you but don’t believe it, I’m afraid I going to screw my kids up every day, that every time I hear the word suicide I tear up,  I not afraid to die, you don’t know that when I hug you I hope it’s the best hug you’ve ever received, that if  I cry in front of you I’m hurting really bad inside, that I wanted more children but I thought have two of me was punishment enough to then, that every time  I get up to help or speak I have no idea what I’m going to say. That you ignore me because I’m odd and weird, that I’m jealous of what you have and I don’t, I’m afraid I wont’ get to my bucket list, I haven’t really changed, of the thoughts I have when I drink, why I don’t dream anymore,I will never love again at the depths that I know are possible, when I can’t find my shadow,
Why do I tell you this? I might be the only weird honest person in the world but what people tell me without asking I’m not alone in my thoughts. Everyone one of us feels and thinks these things a lot. We only want people to see the good but to appreciate e a person you have to know the bad to appreciate the good. We can pretend we don’t but if your honest you know it. Then I know these words have been mentioned Over 300 times in the Bible. Do not fear, do not be afraid. All I try now is share my heart which I just did and ask God please take these irrational and stupid fears because I’m not strong enough to do so.  Confession is what he asked us for, he didn’t ask us to stop sinning. Never feel alone in your walk and when you are fearful , remember  what God said : do not be fearful or afraid
love you





Day 786 Im so sorry I lied-I am fearful

22 03 2015

I have my whole crew back and my mom and nephew came up last night as well. We went and saw the movie Do you believe! It was outstanding. Most Hollywood God movies are cheesy acted and predictable but this was not. Also my childhood hero Brian Bozworth was in it and did  great.

I’m fearful and I have lied and told you I wasn’t Here is what goes through my brain and heart if I’m honest.

:you will see my jokes are to cover my insecurities, that my anger is my true feelings about myself, when I’m honest I only hope u accept it and not reject it, that when I’m happy you know that  I don’t believe I deserve it, that every person I’ve kicked out if my life I miss them, that I crave a family again, that when I try to look tough I’m tired of being tough, the lies I told I wish they were true, I never believe I measured up,
That you will see the goodness of my heart and stomp on it again, I trust no one, I’m a great lover, that when I look into your eyes I really am trying to get to know you whoever you are, that I think more like a non-believer than a believer most days, I’m not comfortable in my own skin, my heart can break easier than you know, when u pay me a compliment I say thank you but don’t believe it, I’m afraid I going to screw my kids up every day, that every time I hear the word suicide I tear up,  I not afraid to die, you don’t know that when I hug you I hope it’s the best hug you’ve ever received, that if  I cry in front of you I’m hurting really bad inside, that I wanted more children but I thought have two of me was punishment enough to then, that every time  I get up to help or speak I have no idea what I’m going to say. That you ignore me because I’m odd and weird, that I’m jealous of what you have and I don’t, I’m afraid I wont’ get to my bucket list, I haven’t really changed, of the thoughts I have when I drink, why I don’t dream anymore,I will never love again at the depths that I know are possible, when I can’t find my shadow,
Why do I tell you this? I might be the only weird honest person in the world but what people tell me without asking I’m not alone in my thoughts. Everyone one of us feels and thinks these things a lot. We only want people to see the good but to appreciate e a person you have to know the bad to appreciate the good. We can pretend we don’t but if your honest you know it. Then I know these words have been mentioned Over 300 times in the Bible. Do not fear, do not be afraid. All I try now is share my heart which I just did and ask God please take these irrational and stupid fears because I’m not strong enough to do so.  Confession is what he asked us for, he didn’t ask us to stop sinning. Never feel alone in your walk and when you are fearful , remember  what God said : do not be fearful or afraid
love you








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