Day 965 Give up hope of having a better past

17 09 2015

I’m a  guy who takes chances and always have. Investing lets take chances, playing sports chances and now fantasy football. Now I watch football yelling at a guy that I don’t care about, to do something good and the chances are he stinks and I’m wishing for him to be something he can’t.  I guess its good to warm up the vocal cords.

I started teaching/facilitating the men’s sexual purity class on Monday night and just wow. It was an experience I had hoped for but not really expected to go the way it did. It fascinates me to listen to others stories. Not only do you realize that you’re not on an island but we are so similar. I told my testimony and if you haven’t heard it I let it all hangout. I think me being vulnerable allows others to know that its okay. I had a few raised eyebrows but it was those guys that opened up a lot. While going around the circle and back and forth I heard one guy say that he has to give up hope of having a better past. I asked him where he heard that,he didn’t remember but I stopped and man those words had me. I had heard don’t live in the past, leave the past behind etc.. but never had I heard it put that way. Read this again. GIVE UP HOPE OF HAVING A BETTER PAST. I tell my testimony and the story comes from my past but like anyone if I wouldn’t have done XYZ, I would have my family in tact, or maybe I would be married again , or blah blah. Bottom line I can wish, hope, and pray but my past and your past is dead. We will never change that and God doesn’t change the past either. It’s a part of you the good and bad but all that matters is the here and now. Yes if there was a time machine I would go back and fix a lot of hurt, words, and pain I inflicted but I can’t. All I can do is live my hours, days and years upcoming hoping that my past was a lesson,  That I can change the outcome of my children’s lives, that everyone comes in contact say he’s not who he used to be, that he loves and he gives his all for others. I have said all the sorries I know to say but hoping for a better past is like praying that I can save everyone from themselves. That won’t happen but hoping for a better past is futile and downright dumb. We are not our past, we are not our mistakes. What we are is forgiven and with that if we wake up tomorrow we are given another chance to right the wrongs that we created in the past. Give hope that tomorrow can be different. We have no idea what it may bring but its new and nothing of the past can ruin it unless we allow it.

Start today: GIVE UP HOPE OF HAVING A BETTER PAST!!!!!!

 





Day 780 Sing loud and out of key

16 03 2015

My babies are in Disney this week with their mom. Its my week to have them so needless to say I miss them but they’re  having a blast.  Getting pictures of them  is bitter-sweet because I would love to be making the memories with them but this is where in divorce you put down your crap and remember who it’s for.

When I started writing this blog 2.6 years ago I shared some intimate stuff but you the reader still only got 15% of the experience. I meet people all the time either past friends or new people who say hey I read you blog and I know you must have a hard time dealing with this or your really good at that. I always laugh either way because you don’t know me. I have so much more to me that I don’t put on here because I either I can’t, I don’t understand or really its none of your business. We always think we know so much about people based on looks, what they post on Facebook, when we see them at church etc… Bottom-line until you are living life with them you have no clue. Your free to judge but when you step in a bear trap remember it hurts. Most of the time when you assume you wind up with a hand full of crap. That’s just a friendly reminder to worry about your life because I assume you have enough to handle!! 🙂

I have many diverse group sets of friends. High school,college, fraternity, my low down, Rugby college and mens league, men’s group, church, and Rock bottom, each group has got me through different aspects of my life or getting me through. Each has seen me but very few know  and I always liked it that way. Now that I’m getting in a different place in my life Im getting people who are like me. If you know me I really want you to like me and if you don’t I feel bad for about 5 minutes. I don’t purposely go about trying to piss you off or do things that you would think wow what a big jerk. Because I live my life the way I do I truly don’t care what you think of me or my decisions. No matter what I do you will judge and have an opinion. If I owe you an apology I’m the first to say I’m sorry and the last to hold a grudge. What I love about me is the people I roll with now. Doing a pub crawl Saturday one of the people in the group that I know fairly well said you just don’t give a crap do you. I said excuse me. He said you care but you don’t give a crap about the stuff. I said I try not to He said I bet you’re the type that sings out  loud and out of key. I said I always do but it think I sound great. He said that’s what I like about you. Your always honest and O appreciate that. For me Im trying to live that way but I’m also surrounding myself with the same people. Life is better that way. We are all Christians and they don’t judge me and I give them plenty of reasons. I’m that guy that says and still does those things that people shake their head about but they know my heart and what I’m trying to do. In turn when you roll with people who believe and trust in you, you do the same for them. When the walls are down the view is amazing. I truly believe if Jesus walked the earth today we would hang because he knows I’m a  mess but he knows that when he needs to laugh or that somebody has his back I’m the first one there. I’m not sure my group of friends would sell any records for how we sing loud and out of key but if you want to be entertained and follow some genuine people that is us. In your life you need people who make you better and won’t tell you what you need to hear but what you have to hear. Find your band that sings loud and out of key and let nothing come between you.

 





Day 543 Why these Friday’s are so hard

25 07 2014

I wrote this in May 2013. No matter what these Friday’s always suck!

I m trying to find my purpose and slowly I think I am. I want to serve men and give them hope that they can change. We have all been told people don’t change well that’s the biggest line of crap we have ever been fed. If someone tells you that it’s the hardest thing you will ever do that may not be enough to tell someone. Last night our mens group got deep we finished talking about the Father Wound that all men/ women deal with but either don’t know that have it of if they admit it may sound weak. It got deep and we are all honest and let it all hang out I was relatively quite but then something hit me that I felt I need to say right when we were about to leave. I know a few of you who attack me will say how do you know you affected anyone? Three men cried, got 5 real hugs and Brian my counselor/friend who is also in our group said I have been in ministry 12 years and that was the powerful thing I have heard spoken to a group of men. I can’t recreate it but will give it my best shot.

We all have to face our mistakes either out loud in a blog, in our own silent hell, with a great friend or every Friday afternoon when I have dropped off my kids to go to their moms and I have the turn-key hell. Turn key hell= When I get to my apartment door and I pull my keys out and the feeling of my empty apartment I’m about to walk into without the laughing of my kids, the pushing of my kids, the no cartoons, the i don’t want to eat that, Can I have more, I m bored, I don’t want to brush my teeth and mostly the I love you daddy. It’s the worst feeling in the world and I haven’t got used to that yet. My dog greets me and she looks for the kids and I tell her no Chloe next Friday and she walks over to her bed because she to misses them. There is no women to say how was your day, the smell of a women, the we need to do this, can you go do this or a hug or kiss. So I put the key in the door and every time I hope for a different feeling but I have to stop when the door closes behind me take a deep breath and realize this is the hell you created. The great thing is I have the feeling because I will remember it. You can’t tell a women she is worthless, a bi%^h, c&(t, you don’t do this for me, or this how could you do this and not expect her to walk away. Yes I know she was guilty as well but I can only talk about me.  So men if you don’t deal with your crap, ego, your pride,  you fear and she leaves you. It was due you got what you deserved. Man up there are to many resources for you to have to say at 60 or 25 I’m sorry for what I didn’t do, because it can be done. Or keep doing what you’re doing, be separated from your kids, have the hollow empty feeling of loss that can only be stitched up, and go into the empty, quite, lonely hell that you created. It will happen you’re not one of the stats that gets away with it. I can promise that the Friday turn-key hell is worse than any hell she supposedly has put you through.

That was it in a nutshell. I don’t want anyone to feel that you can change and you can restore.

 

Day 124 Friday turn key hell.





Day 124 Friday turn key hell

9 05 2013

I m trying to find my purpose and slowly I think I am. I want to serve men and give them hope that they can change. We have all been told people don’t change well that’s the biggest line of crap we have ever been fed. If someone tells you that it’s the hardest thing you will ever do that may not be enough to tell someone. Last night our mens group got deep we finished talking about the Father Wound that all men/ women deal with but either don’t know that have it of if they admit it may sound weak. It got deep and we are all honest and let it all hang out I was relatively quite but then something hit me that I felt I need to say right when we were about to leave. I know a few of you who attack me will say how do you know you affected anyone? Three men cried, got 5 real hugs and Brian my counselor/friend who is also in our group said I have been in ministry 12 years and that was the powerful thing I have heard spoken to a group of men. I can’t recreate it but will give it my best shot.

We all have to face our mistakes either out loud in a blog, in our own silent hell, with a great friend or every Friday afternoon when I have dropped off my kids to go to their moms and I have the turn-key hell. Turn key hell= When I get to my apartment door and I pull my keys out and the feeling of my empty apartment I’m about to walk into without the laughing of my kids, the pushing of my kids, the no cartoons, the i don’t want to eat that, Can I have more, I m bored, I don’t want to brush my teeth and mostly the I love you daddy. It’s the worst feeling in the world and I haven’t got used to that yet. My dog greets me and she looks for the kids and I tell her no Chloe next Friday and she walks over to her bed because she to misses them. There is no women to say how was your day, the smell of a women, the we need to do this, can you go do this or a hug or kiss. So I put the key in the door and every time I hope for a different feeling but I have to stop when the door closes behind me take a deep breath and realize this is the hell you created. The great thing is I have the feeling because I will remember it. You can’t tell a women she is worthless, a bi%^h, c&(t, you don’t do this for me, or this how could you do this and not expect her to walk away. Yes I know she was guilty as well but I can only talk about me.  So men if you don’t deal with your crap, ego, your pride,  you fear and she leaves you got what you deserved. Man up there are to many resources for you to have to say at 60 I’m sorry for what I didn’t do, because it can be done. Or keep doing what you’re doing, be separated from your kids, have the hollow empty feeling of loss that can only be stitched up, and go into the empty, quite, lonely hell that you created. It will happen you’re not one of the stats that gets away with it. I can promise that the Friday turn-key hell is worse than any hell she supposedly has put you through.

 

That was it in a nutshell. I don’t want anyone to feel that you can change and you can restore.





Day 45 Valentines Day Suggestions from A Divorced Man

14 02 2013

I wanted to give a big thanks for the support and love from my last blog about my dad. It’s a sad day but when I forgave him I was able to see the greatness in that man and also I was able to forgive myself. I hope for everyone that reads this that you can get to that point.

At my man’s group last night I heard something I haven’t heard worded this way: He said marriage is a death( at least time I was like on no don’t finish this sentence) It is the death of our selfish self.

Valentine’s day is very different when single but that doesn’t mean it’s horrible. It is another expensive holiday but it’s good to see other people love each other on this day. Tomorrow maybe different but at least today you see it.

Here are a few suggestions. Women this is not just a holiday for you please remember that. And for both sexes if you are only treating the one you love good on this day then you should have the crap slapped out of you. Your relationship is 365 days  not just 1 day in February.

Give up your selfish ways. Try one at a time. Do something he or she knows you can’t. Prove to them that they are that important. You want them to respond differently it doesn’t happen without you becoming the leader. They will follow.. If your waiting on them to do it first this time next  year you’ll still be waiting.

Our relationships are not a scoreboard. You don’t do something to get something. You do it because you love them and oh by the way Your supposed to. If you want a pat on the back you will get that but if you want a loving lasting relationship you do it and keep you mouth shut.

Finally learn to say your sorry. I had a guy tell me last night I don’t know how. If your new at sorry it goes like this: I m sorry I was a real ass. See that wasn’t so bad. Sorry becomes easier and more heart-felt the more you do it.

I’m sure your asking what all of these have to do with Valentine’s day? Everything!!

 





Day 21 All out hatred

23 01 2013

You know what makes a great Crock pot meal, ingredients, a crock pot turning it on and oh yes power. You have to plug a crock pot in to make it work. Maybe I was thinking it would be wireless. Yes I forgot to plug it in. Oh well we will be ready tomorrow.

I wonder when you walk through the doors of Wal-mart they put some kind of magic dust on you that makes you spend a minimum of $100. I can’t walk out there without.

I have a Wednesday morning man’s group that might be the most real experience I have in my life. These guys hold back nothing and thank God they didn’t they helped me get to where I am at today. This morning I heard a few pretty profound statements that help me think all day. 1. “If we will learn to strive to make the love of our life happy and make it an adventure I promise u will succeed. 2.We can either try to figure out life or walk with God. That is one profound statement. So we talked about this for a while and then the storm hit.

We have a gentleman that was a great athlete and played professionally for two of the top teams in his sport and dominated. You would never have known that he was who he was or is but he went through 3-6 months of in-house rehab and is so much better and a joy to listen too. He is married to what we call a control hloic who can never be wrong. he started and he went off and about 10 minutes into I looked to him and said its time to move on. If she won’t change or go to counseling and everything is always your fault. I heard the hate saw the hate and then it happened. It all rushed back to me the sex, the control the blah blah. I actual got mad and had to get up and leave the table for a bit. He has an all out hatred for his wife and is only there for the kids. I could feel his pain and then he said I would rather be dead it would be easier.

I so remember those days and as tears rolled down my eyes I told him I understand and I understand how disrespect, the lack of sex, lack of love can bring you to nothing. He said I feel two inches tall and have no self-esteem. This was a man who played in Title games, had anything he wanted had a great relationship with God and felt so bad. I gave him my two cents and gave him a hug. He looked me in the eye and said he loved me and that he appreciated what I had to say.

I know I have made myself to be the worst man ever. I know what I did wrong, I know what I felt, what I said and how I wanted to die because it would have been easier. God hates divorce we all know that but what you never hear is that God hates horrible marriages and hates when people would rather die than live. There are always two in any situation. Yes even you that thinks you didn’t do anything wrong.I was married to someone who didn’t respect, love, shunned sex etc.. I was miserable and it wasn’t worth it. Sure I would love to be married so my family could be intact but life is better for us both. I never condon divorce but sometimes it the only choice. We are not made to hate but can get there pretty easy.

None of this may not make sense and maybe I m rambling but we aren’t here for hate. Step out and change it and if someone chooses not to change then get out. Life is to short and there is an awesome life waiting for you.

 





Day 9 Yeah that’s it

30 08 2012

We think everything in life is based on feelings but its about choices. My question was to Brian (My counselor) was is there such thing as a soul mate. I don’t believe that anymore. I believe as long as things are compatible we make a choice to love someone for the rest of our lives. The feelings of love, romance, can waver. We get to the point that we say my spouse is not logical, maybe gained weight, has weird views, now etc.. With all the changes that we still have to make a choice to love. Sometimes we lose that loving feeling feeling but we never lose the choice to love.

I have continued read the book about how to stop the Pain. It’s a book about judgement.

I have learned so much from it  but this is the most  important lesson. Listen when your enemies critize you. They’ll tell you the truth that your friends avoid.
For some judgement is a red flag they wave every time they face scrutiny. ITs a defense mechanism of the foolish, the cry of the victim. It means whereby those who lack understanding are able to avoid any form of criticism. You are judging me. may be the ultimate defense. Proverbs says if you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise. If you reject criticism, you only harm yourself but if you  listen to corection you grow in understanding. I have never heard criticism that was pleasant. There is not a person in the world who does not have to put forth extra effort in order to respond positively to criticism. Even when criticism is spoken for harm, it can be turned to good if we have the heart from it. It could be the only thing that helps us face our foolishness. Criticism is what we experience when we will not learn by teaching.

I can honestly say my ex did me a great favor. I thought she was my enemy but I didn’t have the heart to listen. I thought she was trying to destroy me but did the greatest favor. I thought what she was doing was a weapon of destruction but it brought about the greatest attitude change in my life. I became teachable in that negative situation and I m so thankful for it. What she was doing, was expressing her dislike, points out my fault our criticized my efforts. She was making an observation but I thought it was a judgement. The opinion may be right or wrong, it may be delivered in an inappropriate manner but I had the CHOICE to learn from it or not.

 

 








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