Day 1700 So I met this girl

9 11 2017

The journey after divorce is a roller coaster. That might be an understatement. I started out with 6 months of no dating and then I dated a lot and often. I knew within about 10 minutes of every date well this wont work. After divorce you know what you want and don’t want if you don’t you shouldn’t step into another relationship. So I learned, I got frustrated, I got hopeless then I got engaged. It was good then my mom died. I went from having one parent to no parents. I wasn’t the same, and it was difficult on her to. We parted ways and you realize people do come in for seasons and it never makes sense to me but that’s God way so we go with it. Then I met this girl!

KAS and T

Im big on smiles, I’ve learned that on my worse days seeing someone smile can change my mood. So I was on an online dating site wasting time really when I was without my kids and her smile popped up. I was like wow her smile is amazing and she is super hott! Then her first line was mom of 2 angels in Heaven and I was intrigued. So I went through the generic questions and finally just asked to text. I had to know what the 2 angels in Heaven meant. Never in a million years did I think I would hear that her ex-husband killer her 2 kids and then killed himself. To stay I was speechless was crazy but me being speechless is unheard of. So while Ill gathered my thoughts i asked generic questions trying not to cross any lines. I was expecting my mind to push away because Im really good at pushing away but especially in this situation. Something was pulling me to her and not pushing. Yes Im drawn to helping others but this was more of I could love her.

We went on a date and typically she is very shy she said and she wasn’t and she looked so amazing. I was enthralled in listening to her. Trying to understand her story, how she made it, how she didn’t take her life. I couldn’t get enough of listening to her. She is the strongest woman I know. She helps others and strives to make others lives better. Shes so funny, witty, a little bit of a smart arse, but mostly she accepts me. I’m a weird dude, who has an opinion, who loves everyone, whose striving to make my corner of life better, who wants to change stereotypes and excuses, but mostly I wanted someone to understand grief and the pain that I carry and accept it and love me through it. Don’t give up on me and see the greatness I carry. Mission accomplished!

I have never met someone so selfless, that loves at a depth I’ve never seen, I believe because of what she has lost she sees what others can’t. She reminds me so much of my mom, strong, would do anything for anyone, and loves at a depth I had never seen. Everyone loves her and that smile can light up the darkest places in the world.

I would say I’m lucky but I don’t believe in luck. I believe in blessings and you get what you deserve it maybe tomorrow or 40 years from now but Im blessed to find what I prayed for  sitting alone in my high school football stadium when I was 18 years old.

God willing we continue to grow together and take our stories to help change the world, but mostly that we love each other with a love that neither of us ever experienced.  So thank you Karen Ashley for being on this amazing journey, you help make my world a better place. I love you! Love never ends

 

Advertisements




Day 839 Is this what its like to feel loved

15 05 2015

I know what God wants me doing. I know it, feel it and its a fulfilling feeling. I got lucky to hear God and he put me in touch with people who over 2 years brought me to Rock Bottom Outreach. There is no way in my normal life I would have ever been friends with these people just through my normal walk in life. Not only do I have these amazing people in my life but I’m also allowed to share my testimony. Some people say big deal does it matter, I couldn’t do it, why do you air your dirty laundry? For those that don’t know me God gave me a gift to lead, speak and be vulnerable. When he gives you something you run with it. For me I can and will get up in front of any and everybody to share from the moment I came into the world until where I stand now and tell you how I screwed up and my story or redemption not perfection. Why do I do it, why does Rock Bottom do it because we offer hope to the weak, weary, defeated, and the ones that are ready to end their life. We need it to as a part of our journey in healing. Last night was another amazing example of when I doubt what were doing and what I’m doing that God shows up and shows out.

We spoke to a group of youth and adults in Springtown Texas at Hilltop church. When I walked in your could feel the need and I was ready. I was very emotional last night and have no idea why and asked to go last. If I wouldn’t have I would have cried my the whole time but I went last and made it. The our team rocked it with Power testimonies which each of us gets 3 minutes. Its quick but you can through a lot of life in when you’re hitting the high notes. I talk about suicide in my message. I understand it and lived. I know what its like to feel worthless, unworthy, that everything you touch turns to garbage, that life will never get better. I also know that’s a lie from the pits of hell. I tried to end my life but I got lucky and now its my turn to share and change lives. After Rock Bottom and the message we get to stay around and talk to whoever wants to talk to us. The tough part about suicide is talking about it one on one and feeling someone elses pain. Two 7th grade girls approached me and said can I talk to you about suicide. I listened intently and inside I’m dying for them. I wont tell the whole story of both but I spoke some real talk to her and then talked to the adult leadership how to help her. Sure there was teenage drama to her talk but she was serious and then the there are moments that leave you speechless. I gave both girls hugs and one girl looked at me and said is that what its like to feel loved. I stepped back and I guess she saw the confusion on my face and said the hug you just gave me. I said I hope so sweetie.  I walked away with tears running down my eyes and said thank you God. Me being open and showing I care for this girl maybe for the first time in her life felt loved.

I got in my car and said no matter what I have screwed up in my life Jesus was like carry on my good and faithful son you’re doing my work and I love you!! Thanks for reading!!





Day 839 Is this what its like to feel loved

14 05 2015

I know what God wants me doing. I know it, feel it and its a fulfilling feeling. I got lucky to hear God and he put me in touch with people who over 2 years brought me to Rock Bottom Outreach. There is no way in my normal life I would have ever been friends with these people just through my normal walk in life. Not only do I have these amazing people in my life but I’m also allowed to share my testimony. Some people say big deal does it matter, I couldn’t do it, why do you air your dirty laundry? For those that don’t know me God gave me a gift to lead, speak and be vulnerable. When he gives you something you run with it. For me I can and will get up in front of any and everybody to share from the moment I came into the world until where I stand now and tell you how I screwed up and my story or redemption not perfection. Why do I do it, why does Rock Bottom do it because we offer hope to the weak, weary, defeated, and the ones that are ready to end their life. We need it to as a part of our journey in healing. Last night was another amazing example of when I doubt what were doing and what I’m doing that God shows up and shows out.

We spoke to a group of youth and adults in Springtown Texas at Hilltop church. When I walked in your could feel the need and I was ready. I was very emotional last night and have no idea why and asked to go last. If I wouldn’t have I would have cried my the whole time but I went last and made it. The our team rocked it with Power testimonies which each of us gets 3 minutes. Its quick but you can through a lot of life in when you’re hitting the high notes. I talk about suicide in my message. I understand it and lived. I know what its like to feel worthless, unworthy, that everything you touch turns to garbage, that life will never get better. I also know that’s a lie from the pits of hell. I tried to end my life but I got lucky and now its my turn to share and change lives. After Rock Bottom and the message we get to stay around and talk to whoever wants to talk to us. The tough part about suicide is talking about it one on one and feeling someone elses pain. Two 7th grade girls approached me and said can I talk to you about suicide. I listened intently and inside I’m dying for them. I wont tell the whole story of both but I spoke some real talk to her and then talked to the adult leadership how to help her. Sure there was teenage drama to her talk but she was serious and then the there are moments that leave you speechless. I gave both girls hugs and one girl looked at me and said is that what its like to feel loved. I stepped back and I guess she saw the confusion on my face and said the hug you just gave me. I said I hope so sweetie.  I walked away with tears running down my eyes and said thank you God. Me being open and showing I care for this girl maybe for the first time in her life felt loved.

I got in my car and said no matter what I have screwed up in my life Jesus was like carry on my good and faithful son you’re doing my work and I love you!! Thanks for reading!!





Day 640 Sometimes there are no answers

28 10 2014

My babies and I spent about 1.5 looking for Halloween costumes. I would rather snipe hunt  all day than do that again. If you’re not sure what snipe hunting in Google it then go do it. It’s very relaxing. We are going as Sonic the hedge hog and a nerd fairy. I’m not sure what a nerd fairy is but as a friend of mine said put wings on anything. So there you go.

Today was a rough day: We buried the ashes of a family member that committed suicide last Sunday. After my divorce I have place in my heart for death of any kind that I never had before. I cry, I hurt, I feel for those that grieve, I put myself in those shoes. I especially grieve for those dealing with suicide. The family is left with a lifetime of guilt and wander. The kids are left with a feeling of no worth, no love and a void that can never be filled. I talked to our family member its been a month ago. He called out of the blue from an unknown number. He asked a lot of questions and I gave him so resources. I told him I would do anything for him. Just ask. I would hold his hand, drive him anywhere etc.. his mind was already made up on that call. I hoped he would call me again but I knew when my mom called and just mentioned his name what had happened.

I wont rant about suicide and the ignorance in folks or the little they know about it.  How weak someone is etc… Here’s what I will tell you. The person that commits suicide or attempts it is trying to do us a favor. The have lost every bit of worth, love, fake emotion, and heroism from their   body. they are a dead person walking. The worst part is that our minds are like weapons. They can be so powerful for good but can also destroy in which they do with suicide. People that commit suicide don’t want to they think they are doing us a favor and get them out of your life.Your world would be better without them. If they only knew. Today I counted 208 people at the funeral. If some how we could gather the love we have for someone video it and sending to the hurting then it may stop someone. No  guarantees but they mattered and so do you.

I used to be one ” of those people who based people who committed or attempted suicide. I would talk about how weak they were, coward and stupid. They had damned themselves to hell. All because I didn’t understand suicide. Well the Karma train stopped by train station August 27th 2011. As many of you know I had lost “EVERYTHING” I thought was important. I had finally crossed that line and decided the world and my family, friends and anyone else was better without me. I had written the letter, and at 9:58 pm I sat at he Top of a hill in Aubrey Texas and was ready to make that trip that everyone else deserved. I got lucky that day. I didn’t deserve to live, I was a coward, weak, and stupid and I knew. One rushing thought of my kids and I just stopped everything. Why did I deserve that day to stay alive. Maybe I did want to live and I was looking for attention. Nobody knew of my plan so that wasn’t true. Or maybe I just had it with me and all I failed to do and see, that I lost all control and self-worth, and nobody loved me. What a lie it was! I got lucky!

Today I take that broken man, who has a relationship with God and is truer to everyone he is around and I try to change lives. I hurt, grieve, I smile, I love like I never have. I tell me story to those that want to hear it and those that don’t. My story may change lives or a life. If you get a second chance its time to pay up and do whatever you can to help someone in need. I promise they are around you right now. People screaming out in the quiet for a face, a hand, or an encouraging word. Chris you are loved yesterday, today and tomorrow. You are gone but because of you and many others I will press on and hope that I can catch them the moment before and let them see that they are loved and worthy. Sometimes there are no answers but sometimes there are. Walk outside of yourself and live for someone else. You’ll be glad you did.





Day 231There’s always a cost

27 08 2013

I packed about a month of weekends into this weekend. Had Brayden’s first TBall game, went and watched a Crossfit competition, Dallas Cowboys game, church and last night went to the Dave Chappell comedy show. There were about 17K people there, it was really hot but one of the funnies thing I have ever watched. I loved Dave Chappell when he was on Comedy Central and its great for him to be back and still as abrasive as ever. The Gexa Pavilion is an outdoor facility and I think that marijuana is highly encouraged there or at least every person around me thought that.

You ever started driving to church and prayed that you would hear something that can take away a feeling, or situation in your life? While in the midst of is this crappy situation I got pulled over for speeding. I got off with a warning and then the message at church was taylor made for me.  When we have been offended or hurt it will always cost us something. I told myself yeah no crap. If your brother sins against you forgive him. Okay I get it but essential it doesn’t matter how many times, someone disrespects you, ignores you, spits on you we have to continue to forgive. Well that sucks in all honesty.  Sooner or later enough is enough! Not from Gods perspective though and so I get offend and carry it with me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and thin-skinned sometimes. So when someone puts the bait out I take it. I get offend and I get hurt usually pretty bad. Sure I’m better but I still think of at times if that person was to get sick would it bother me. How  about if they just got a little food poisoning. I know I’m not in the boat alone because every one of us has been offended and wished something bad on someone and that caused bitterness which then moves to unforgiveness.As pastor Toby said you can’t believe in God and live a don’t cross me attitude. The thing is we are all going to get offended but how do we let that control that life. Your mate cheats on you and leaves, a best friend that made fun of you with the “others” , your kids spit on you  after all you have done.  There is a cost if you don’t let it go: 1. It keeps you in your past and you can never live the life intended if you don’t let it go. 2. If you hold onto it the your taking God’s place and he will let you have it if you want, 3. You kill your holy spirit, and 4.the devil has you and you won’t let go of him.

I thought I was done with that part of my life but lucky me I’m human and if I think I have  it under control I don’t. The message hit home and I’m so thankful I heard it but I do know I m working everyday to let go of the offense. It is costing me the need to fill justified, I have to lose and not get even, but really losing that is not a loss its called living and thats what I want to do.





Day 231There’s always a cost

26 08 2013

I packed about a month of weekends into this weekend. Had Brayden’s first TBall game, went and watched a Crossfit competition, Dallas Cowboys game, church and last night went to the Dave Chappell comedy show. There were about 17K people there, it was really hot but one of the funnies thing I have ever watched. I loved Dave Chappell when he was on Comedy Central and its great for him to be back and still as abrasive as ever. The Gexa Pavilion is an outdoor facility and I think that marijuana is highly encouraged there or at least every person around me thought that.

You ever started driving to church and prayed that you would hear something that can take away a feeling, or situation in your life? While in the midst of is this crappy situation I got pulled over for speeding. I got off with a warning and then the message at church was taylor made for me.  When we have been offended or hurt it will always cost us something. I told myself yeah no crap. If your brother sins against you forgive him. Okay I get it but essential it doesn’t matter how many times, someone disrespects you, ignores you, spits on you we have to continue to forgive. Well that sucks in all honesty.  Sooner or later enough is enough! Not from Gods perspective though and so I get offend and carry it with me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and thin-skinned sometimes. So when someone puts the bait out I take it. I get offend and I get hurt usually pretty bad. Sure I’m better but I still think of at times if that person was to get sick would it bother me. How  about if they just got a little food poisoning. I know I’m not in the boat alone because every one of us has been offended and wished something bad on someone and that caused bitterness which then moves to unforgiveness.As pastor Toby said you can’t believe in God and live a don’t cross me attitude. The thing is we are all going to get offended but how do we let that control that life. Your mate cheats on you and leaves, a best friend that made fun of you with the “others” , your kids spit on you  after all you have done.  There is a cost if you don’t let it go: 1. It keeps you in your past and you can never live the life intended if you don’t let it go. 2. If you hold onto it the your taking God’s place and he will let you have it if you want, 3. You kill your holy spirit, and 4.the devil has you and you won’t let go of him.

I thought I was done with that part of my life but lucky me I’m human and if I think I have  it under control I don’t. The message hit home and I’m so thankful I heard it but I do know I m working everyday to let go of the offense. It is costing me the need to fill justified, I have to lose and not get even, but really losing that is not a loss its called living and thats what I want to do.








Matthew Winters (Honest Thoughts from a Pastor)

The life, ministry, & thoughts of a Christ-follower, husband, dad, & minister

paytej

Let's seek the truth. Let's share in Christ.

My True North

A certain darkness is needed to see the stars.

sandsoftime10

A peek into Megha's mind

jesussocial

Christian News, Devotional, Leadership, Church, Evangelism, Conference, Worship, Pastors , Bible, Gospel Music,Gospel,Salvation, GoodNews, Disciples, Cross,Winning, Love, Mercy,Bible Study,New Testament, Church,Matthew,Mark, Luke, John,Heart, Soul, Body,Mind,Spirit,Church History, Books, Pastorso, Evangelists. Teachers, Apostles, Healing, Leadership, Grace, Salvation, Faith,Lifestyle and Entertainment,

FAUZI PRESIDENT HAMIKU

Invite Rizky FAUZI as Speaker - 08986800220 (Chat WA) | SUPPORT HAMIKU SUCCESS with SHARE IT | Setelah DIBACA timbal baliknya harus di-SHARE soalnya gak gratis... - RIZKY FAUZI

iksperimentalist

a collision of science and comedy

This is My Story, This is My Song.

This is my journey with faith, love, acceptance, redemption through God's incredible grace and mercy!

Surviving the affair....the cheaters perspective

I cheated. Yip I did it, I am not proud of it, but that won't change a thing. This is my story of me trying to survive one day at a time. No guarantees....

Light of Darkness

Every moment of light and dark is a miracle

%d bloggers like this: