Day 241 Burn those memories

5 09 2013

I have a ton of good days but when I have a bad one I do it right. See today!! I even asked for prayers on FB because the world was kicking me in the privates today. I’m not sure why bad memories stick with us better than good memories but wow how they can come back so quickly. I had open house last night with my daughter,  her mom and husband. It’s always a new experience for everyone the changes of divorce and the new spouse etc.. come into the picture.  You  think when you get divorced and when the paper is signed that’s the end. It’s just the beginning.  I know we all have memories that we wish we could erase. I remember so many like they happened today: Burying my Jr. high girlfriend, breaking my leg, the first time I was told I was fat, when they bank came and reposed my mom’s car, when my dad officially became disabled, when I first wanted to commit suicide, when I got dumped in high school, when I transferred from TCU, when I had my abortion,  when I left Puerto Vallarta Mexico, when I lost my best friend when the fights in my marriage got to the point of just being stupid. Last night I sat across my ex and it felt like a total stranger, but then it hit me. This flood of memories came rushing back at me and I could not shake them. I asked God to please take them, I was anxiety filler and worse I had a lot of fear. I had no idea but I wanted to drink and escape for a bit. I hadn’t really felt this way in two years and was really embarrassed that I was back there. No matter how much forgiveness you give no where does it say forget but I wish I could. Its like okay I remembered them learned from them and now take the big chief eraser and get rid of them. I want to burn those memories so bad. You say the meanest things to the people you love and the sad part sorry never fixes it. You hope you at least you get I’m sorry or forgive me but the scars are there and every once in a while the scar tissue tears and it hurts.

There is no lesson or words of wisdom today. I appreciate the people who responded to me today and my friends who just listened last night. It wasn’t for attention it was for prayer to take away something I couldn’t.  As I told one of my closet friends today I understand some relationships have to end, but fight your ass off to keep what you have. Divorce is an answer but not the answer. You think the memories are bad when your married and it ends wait until there are things you have to explain to your kids and you can’t and when I’m sorry means not a damn thing.  You can only hide behind that fake smile forever or your having a great day and the world comes crashing on you. The devil is an asshole but tomorrow he loses that’s just the way I roll. Thanks for letting me ramble!

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Day 241 Burn those memories

4 09 2013

I have a ton of good days but when I have a bad one I do it right. See today!! I even asked for prayers on FB because the world was kicking me in the privates today. I’m not sure why bad memories stick with us better than good memories but wow how they can come back so quickly. I had open house last night with my daughter,  her mom and husband. It’s always a new experience for everyone the changes of divorce and the new spouse etc.. come into the picture.  You  think when you get divorced and when the paper is signed that’s the end. It’s just the beginning.  I know we all have memories that we wish we could erase. I remember so many like they happened today: Burying my Jr. high girlfriend, breaking my leg, the first time I was told I was fat, when they bank came and reposed my mom’s car, when my dad officially became disabled, when I first wanted to commit suicide, when I got dumped in high school, when I transferred from TCU, when I had my abortion,  when I left Puerto Vallarta Mexico, when I lost my best friend when the fights in my marriage got to the point of just being stupid. Last night I sat across my ex and it felt like a total stranger, but then it hit me. This flood of memories came rushing back at me and I could not shake them. I asked God to please take them, I was anxiety filler and worse I had a lot of fear. I had no idea but I wanted to drink and escape for a bit. I hadn’t really felt this way in two years and was really embarrassed that I was back there. No matter how much forgiveness you give no where does it say forget but I wish I could. Its like okay I remembered them learned from them and now take the big chief eraser and get rid of them. I want to burn those memories so bad. You say the meanest things to the people you love and the sad part sorry never fixes it. You hope you at least you get I’m sorry or forgive me but the scars are there and every once in a while the scar tissue tears and it hurts.

There is no lesson or words of wisdom today. I appreciate the people who responded to me today and my friends who just listened last night. It wasn’t for attention it was for prayer to take away something I couldn’t.  As I told one of my closet friends today I understand some relationships have to end, but fight your ass off to keep what you have. Divorce is an answer but not the answer. You think the memories are bad when your married and it ends wait until there are things you have to explain to your kids and you can’t and when I’m sorry means not a damn thing.  You can only hide behind that fake smile forever or your having a great day and the world comes crashing on you. The devil is an asshole but tomorrow he loses that’s just the way I roll. Thanks for letting me ramble!





Day 141 I got beat up yesterday

28 05 2013

Day 141 I got beat up yesterday.





Day 141 I got beat up yesterday

27 05 2013

A great weekend with my kids and always action packed. We spent a lot of time with our family. Last night we went to the Fort Worth Cats minor league baseball game. They just brought my childhood baseball hero Jose Canseco tot he team at the young age of 46 so I was anxious to see him. He didn’t disappoint but either did my son. My s0n can be heard from 60 miles away in a hurricane at 4 years old. The guy was selling peanuts and my son yelled I want peanuts. Well at 4 it sounded like he wanted Penis. I told him to be quiet but so many people were laughing and he thought it was great so I kept letting him yell  yet it until the guy came over. We are working on our annunciation of words.

My daughter has amazing  perspective and honesty she is not lacking. Yesterday we were washing the dog and cleaning the apartment and she stopped me and said what are you doing. I said doing laundry. She said no what is going on when were not here. I said I work and do whatever. She said you tell me your going to do this in the apartment, and you’re doing to go here and your going to date  but when we get here you haven’t done it yet. I was stopped in my tracks. I didn’t know what to say then I got this. Dad its okay to move on, you have done a great job in becoming a new daddy and guy. You have done all you can do to get better now live. I have never felt more beat up in my life. My 11-year-old sees things I don’t and you beat me up yesterday pretty good. Now she spoke the truth but what do you say. She left it at that then kind of morphed back into an 11-year-old and said I don’t want to clean anymore and then things napped back into place. Nothing else was spoken until we were driving to my sisters and she said dad I hope I didn’t make you mad but I m tired of you being alone and I heard my friends mom say you’re a great guy so please listen.

I told her I’m working on it and I appreciate her more than she will ever know. I got beat up yesterday but like every time in my life I have  learned a lesson but this one may be my best.





Day 123 My final Hurdle

23 12 2012

I hope at least once in your life you have watched a track and field meet. The athletes are amazing and do things that many of us would not believe. I’ m always amazed at the 400 meter hurdles. To run full speed around a track and jump a hurdle and never miss a stride is awesome. When they get to the last hurdle that is the difference in winning and losing.. It gets a lot of hurdlers and sometimes the best, but when they make it over they have very little left but know the finish line is within reach and the hardest part is over.

That’s my life right now. 2012 has sucked but been amazing at the same time. I m at my last hurdle and all I have to do is clear it. I have been with my children at every big moment and event in their life.  I have been thankful that I have had the opportunity and many times made that a priority. Christmas morning is an amazing time for a parent I know it’s for the kids but that is the day you see expressions on your kids faces that you will never see any other time of the year. This year I miss that moment. The divorce robbed me of that. I think I m doing the right thing though even though it breaks my heart. I have my kids and we only have to share Christmas day but I think for my kids sake that it would be best that they spend Christmas eve night with their mom and wake up in their home. It’s the only home they have known and it’s not an apartment like I live in.  I thought a lot that this was my final punishment /hurdle in my divorce journey for helping screwing up my marriage and being such a shitty guy for 4 years. It’s just another step in remembering what I did and try to never repeat myself. A lesson learned so the next women will get the best of me and so will me children. It honestly hurts more that I ever imagined but the sacrifice for my kids are worth it.

I know my last hurdle is in less than 48 hours. I have made it around the track this year. I missed some hurdles fell over some, and cleared many. I am at the last hurdle  and can see the finish line. I have to muster this up one more time and reach the finish line. I ve had a lot of great people cheering me on and I don’t want to let myself, friends or my children down.

Look out world 2013 is the year of Tyler Wood releasing his inner badass.

Merry Christmas





Day 97 Broken Heart

26 11 2012

First crock pot meal of my life and my son even ate it so I guess it was okay. It was good to come home and smell a house that smelled like something besides dog and kid sweat. Do you get to call it a cooked meal if you put it in a crock pot?My daughters middle name should be grace. She fell off a skateboard today and twisted her ankle and while walking to the mailbox caught her bare toe on the concrete and ripped off a layer of skin and I couldn’t get it to stop bleeding. So we glued it. It’s an old Rugby trick but worked.

Speaking of Rugby this weekend is my debut. Well actually its my farewell tour on my terms. I can’t wait and I don’t play as much as the ole days but I will make my presence felt then cry all day Sunday how bad I hurt!!!

I wonder at what age your heart doesn’t break anymore? For those that know me I m half girl. I wear my feelings on my sleeve and I can’t seem not to but its okay because I’m in touch with my masculine side and my female side. I want to so bad rip this person apart here in my blog but I won’t I’m trying so hard to do the thing God would ask us.

People do matter and no matter how thick skinned someone is you can always find someones weak point. I wish I could be the kind of person to say FU and I don’t give a s%$t but I always do. Last night as I was  going to bed I found out that I meant nothing to this person and I walked around today with a heavy heart. I know the saying what goes around comes around but I don’t wish anything bad on this person. I wish they could see what they are doing to me. I honestly think they are oblivious and that’s okay with them I guess.

I know its my fault I feel like my heart is broken I m the one reacting to it but at some point and time we have to look at ourselves and stop the pain. Pain on pain never works. If you’re a christian I know your heart heals but is it better than before? What God gave us is supposed to be the best and nothing can be better well I m still gluing all the pieces together. I pray that I don’t break someones heart again but if I do I m truly sorry.

I will take a learning lesson from this and maybe this is what I deserve because of my past but I promise I will bust my ass to never hurt someone again just to make myself feel better.

 

 

 

 





Day 68 Rising from the ashes

28 10 2012

I hope you all had a great weekend. I had an amazing weekend.  I m also a dumb butt because I talked politics and racism at a bar with people who were drunk. I know not smart lesson learned. I enjoyed people watching all the people at the bar in costumes To say that some people should never show their body in public is an understatement. I saw things that Hollywood wouldn’t put on screen but at least they had fun.

I have heard and now I understand” If you want God to laugh tell him your plans.” I m a planner by nature and always get bent out of shape when my plans go crazy. I m learning but this weekend was another test with my plans. Alright duly noted.

Rising from the ashes is this man I write a lot about the bad but it is all from the past. Not that their aren’t a lot of trials in my life but I want to give you  a contrast from 1 year ago to today. Out of the past 4 years some many wonderful things had transpired. Here on the left is the past and the right is the good in red. Look at it like this. If you drop a piece of glass all you want to do is sweep it up and throw it away. God takes the time to pick up every piece glue it back together and it never looked better.

Now you don’t have a purpose I have a purpose and a mighty one.
You don’t let anybody in           I let those in that want me.
You don’t understand why she don’t love you I understand why I didn’t love myself
But you don’t understand yourself Closer than I have ever been. I know I m worthy
Now you’re out there with no target Target is closer than ever
So you friends become your aim I stopped blaming others
But there is no one left around you I have true friends that love me
So there is no one left to blame Always was true

And what you don’t know it wont hurt you I never let people know my pain and hurt no I open up
And what you don’t know will save you from some pain I learned it only made it worse
But if I could choose I’d let it hurt you
Cause there’s something bout life in the pain I wanted others to feel my pain now I want to help them with theirs.

Now there’s something inside you starting It the truth
Like there’s a fight coming your way I used to wait for the fight now I turn away
But there will be no fists you’ll be throwing
Just some words you’ve got to say I hurt others with my words now I try to speak out of love
And you’ll scream for our repentance I believe God hears me when i request repentance. I thought God forgot about me
Or you’ll hide behind what’s fake My whole life was fake now its a matter of honesty and what you don’t want to know
But there aint nothing to forgiveness Forgiveness is all that matters
You give as freely as you take I try to give. I struggle to receive

And I don’t need to know your stories I want to here your stories. I m finally compassionate
Don’t need to understand your pain I want to understand your pain. I feel it somewhat
Cause I’ve been here since the beginning
And I’ll be here the rest of the way
And I’ll be here the rest of the way I promise I will be there for you
Now you’ve tried your hand at running I stopped running I stand firm
Why don’t you try your hand at faith? Faith and God is all I have
Because there’s a moment to be taken
But it is right before you break I thought I was broken and couldn’t get put back together. What a lie I told myself








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