Day 147 WTF is up with my past

2 06 2013

This is going to be a long one so please bear with me , I may bounce around and apply some feedback. I love my church and pastor Cross Timbers Community Church and pastor Toby Slough. When I need to hear something the most I always get what I need to hear. Today was no different and in the Summer we do a movie series called reel to real. Today’s movie was Legend of Bagger Vance. If you want a movie with a message  that we all need to hear this it. It’s about Golf but so much more than that its about overcoming our past.

I have had a shitty 6 weeks especially dealing with my mom her Parkinson’s, Last week her jewelry was stolen (All the items my dad gave her) and on Friday evening our barn was broken into and the last items left over from my dad were stolen. I have had a lot of work issues which have led to money problems and then which leads to my past returning.

Let me be honest and say I hide my blog and text now. I write all of this great information and knowledge and apply it about as well as a teenager does about not being moody. I’m a coward and I haven’t laid my past down yet. I’m being honest that’s all. I know many people will say why do you do this and I’m being honest because honestly you won’t. Did you know the number 1 issues that counselors are dealing with now is an epidemic called Facebook depression. Yes we all read people Facebook postings and wonder why our lives aren’t that great. Yes we are that stupid and believe. We know better, we are all broken, hurt, fearful and we want people to think we are the greatest thing PB&J. Were not but its easier to lie to ourselves and others. Those people who are the Amen and Halleiugh people at church are the same one’s that go home drink a beer to hide, eat a chocolate bar, sniff crap up our nose, fight with our family but once we walk out the door act like we are the Brady bunch. Well remember the Brady bunch was a screw up family outside of TV.

So I say all of this why? I can’t shake my past. Especially when bad shit happens. Religion says, Pray more, talk to God, pick your self up. Bible says that in the midst of the fire, the storm, God is there. He doesn’t condemn us. So why do I do it every minute of my life. I’m a coward, I’m afraid to succeed, I’m afraid to be happy because this uniform of shit I wear has become pretty comfortable. I could have had the best women in my past already, or in my face right now but I want whoever she is to go away. I’m not worth it. I’m a giant _____ fill in the blank.

Do you know why the windshield is bigger than back window because your future is bigger and brighter. I just choose to look into the rear view mirror because I like the crash is coming. Now I will tell you know I don’t want that but that’s what I’m doing. It’s not what you say it’s what you do.

Trailer Legend of Baggar Vance

Today in the movie The Legend of Bagger Vance Matt Damon (Junugh) and Will Smith (Bagger Vance) build a relationship on golf but it’s so much more than that. Bagger is the Holy Spirit and is always with Junugh. The story goes Junugh was a great amateur golfer maybe the best and then he got drafted into World one. Everybody in his troop died except Junugh. He came home and for 15 years didn’t talk to anyone except the bottle and came one with it. A giant golf tournament was coming to Savannah Georgia with the best pros in the world and Savannah wanted one of their own and insert Junugh. Junugh had lost his swing because his past had become his swing. Bagger becomes his caddy and they get to this tournament and Junugh was doing great and then the past enters. He hits into the deepest woods of the golf course and he’s there with just him and the ball in the midst of the crap of the woods.  (Insert Tyler) He is about to reach down and do the easy thing and move the ball for a better shot and Bagger appears and : Says you looking for a different club? Junugh: I can’t do this, Bagger yes you can. Juugh: No you don’t understand.  I can’t carry this burden. Bagger: You have to lay this burden down, you have to start. Junugh: I don’t know how. Bagger: You have to believe and just start. I’m here with you.

The only power he ( the devil) or others have over me is the power I give them. I know I have to start and I know what the world, religion says. I have to lay down my past. I have to try to see what others see in me. If I don’t I will die a lonely, defeated, broken man who let down my children. I don’t want that.

I hope you can realize with me as I walk this journey that you have to lay it down and realize its okay not to be okay. Being real is okay! Please pray for me and everyone your surround by.

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