Day 1690 Will you open my chest please

30 10 2017

Yesterday I had a lot of thinking going on. My mind wandered and I couldn’t reel it back in. When I get emotional I like to drive. Lucky for me and my son the weather was great. We rolled down the windows. I made him put the tablet down and I put my phone away. He asked what we were going to drive and think and spend time together. He said that’s weird but okay. We were both quiet for a bit and he said the sun feels different today daddy. I said what do you mean he said its a happy sun. I just smiled and rubbed his head. During the drive I gave him some life pointers on things to do and not do. Like stop and take a deep breath and feel the happy sun. Never make someone feel bad. We have a favorite song we listen to so we played it over and over and I thought a lot.

If you could open up my  chest and see whats inside would you run, marvel at the mess was in there. Would you run your fingers across the scars and wish to heal them. Would you laugh or be appalled  at the places Iv been. The lies I told you and myself.

I thought a lot about what I’m trying to do, why I get “stuck” why I get shy and nobody knows, why Im on phone too much, why I wont reach out knowing that’s exactly what I need. The painful moments that added up to me wanting to leave this world and all the people alone. That when people I hurt I truly hurt, when I need to be cheered up most people can’t because where they are that day.

I then thought about how I love to hug people, I remember almost all of  my hugs. The transfer of love and feelings in a hug even for a few seconds makes me happy, that being in love is truly the best feeling a person can have. The sense of pride I feel looking at my kids cannot be matched. I love to sing and even get compliments sometimes, the moments when my family growing up got to spend holidays together. I love when dogs curl up with you.  When I see someone accomplish they didn’t believe they could I want to just cheer so loud. The power of a kiss, the power of words used in a positive way to change someones broken heart.

Just some random ramblings because writing them down helps me. Thanks for reading.

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Day 1516 Find your joy idiot

18 04 2017

Joy isn’t like happiness which is based upon happenings or whether things are going well or not. No, joy remains even amidst the suffering. Joy is not happiness. Joy is an emotion that’s acquired by the anticipation, acquisition or even the expectation of something great or wonderful. It could be described as exhilaration, delight, sheer gladness, and can result from a great success or a very beautiful or wonderful experience like a wedding or graduation but the definition of joy that the world holds is not what it should be.

I hear find your joy.  U really need to find your joy. Okay I’m an idiot I can’t find it. I thought happiness  was joy. Then I started reading what joy was. I came to the conclusion I don’t know anyone that’s joyful. I probably just pissed one of my friends off but based on the definition no. Now I know some of my friends parents who are but their at the stage that they don’t give a crap about the “important stuff”. They’ve been there done that and the t-shirt has already shrank. So I see these list 40 things to find joy.

Here are some of them: 1. Learn something new (play a new sport or game, learn how to cook a new dish). 2. Get out in nature. 3. Help someone in a small way (by carrying their groceries or paying their toll on the highway). 4.Count your blessings. 5. Spend time with your pet. 6 Laugh and smile, no matter how you’re feeling. 7.Sing out loud. 8.Connect authentically with friends and family, sharing your vulnerabilities. 9.Dance. If you can’t dance, just skip.

So I would agree with this list. I found myself being very happy in each of those but what about when Monday rolls around, or I’ve had a life event or I’m not doing one of those things. I think between 35-50 is the toughest part of being an adult. Life is complicated, hard to understand, kids are in their toughest stages. then we hit mid-life crisis.  So how do you find joy? I have no idea I’m still trying to know the difference between happiness and joy. I need to find what I like and do those things. In time joy comes from that? I think joy comes from the things that we don’t do because we think we don’t have the time, money, or dumping of fear to do so.

So something for us all to think about.  What is joy? Where do I find it? When I find it how do I keep it? More to the journey so here I go!

 





Day 782 Would you like to continue reading this blog!

18 03 2015

I have and do truly enjoy writing my blog. I appreciate over the past 2.7 years all the comments and people I have met through this blog. I started writing for me and only me. It was my therapy when nothing else made sense. In that time I got to see I wasn’t alone, rock bottom was okay, and there are people that hurt as bad as me and worse. I ve had people turn there back on me, love me more, cry with me, criticize me, laugh at me and it has all been worth it. I wouldn’t take back any of it. I will always blog because it still helps me. The blog and my life isn’t about me though its about helping others just if anything to feel they’re not alone. I can always set the blog to private and let those closest to me read it.

My question is do you want to continue reading it. Please Im not not looking for praise or oh your so great. What I want to know does it still touch you and speak to you. based on the response I get I will make my decision. In turn if people want to continue reading it I m going to write more of what I TRULY feel and also let you see my funny side. I’m not always serious and I want people to see that side of me too.  I promise though to keep my spelling and grammar terrible just to irritate those grammar and spelling NAZI’s So its up to you! I appreciate any feedback  positive or negative.





Day 474 What the eyes have seen FINAL

19 05 2014

I had a really cool weekend. I need a long nap but I lived it full this weekend. I got to speak again for Rock Bottom Outreach. I felt like myself and that my words really carried some meaning. I also went to the horses races mostly to see if California Chrome could attempt to win the Triple Crown. I really believe in two weeks we will have the first triple crown winner in many years. It’s unbelievable how much money is generated in horse racing. Now if I could  just own a horse!

I really appreciate all the responses I have gotten to this series of blogs I have been writing. Lots of encouragement and questions. When you traveled as much as I did for work you will have an experience where you think you may day in an airplane, We just dropped 15K feet in 13 seconds. I made my final call and left a VM telling my ex it was over and I loved her. You life will really flash before your eyes. When you travel just know the strongest become weak. Never get close to the point of being alone with people who you travel to all the time. If you have doubts on your wedding day end it then not later.If you think that something that happens early in a relationship wont care to the end your wrong. Just take the damn trip! It’s just money don’t complain just buy it for her. Take the guy trip it’s about memories and stories not woulda shoulda coulda. If they tell you Blair Witch Project will make you sick believe them. Just don’t drink the water in Mexico. Beer before liquor does make you sick! Trust but verify. Then check again. Go see your parents whenever you can because sometimes tomorrow doesn’t come. If someone offers you a can’t miss financial opportunity at least look at it because it could be worth millions. Love is not a feeling its a decision and some days you don’t have it but that’s , okay. Never accept 2nd best. Never give up on anyone because they could give up on you! Say your sorry and meant. Never tell someone you love them when you don’t. Never expect a pat on the back for the good you have done.  Learn to be alone but don’t isolate. Never lie to your kids. Tell you kids how awesome they are all the time. If they ask to pick them up do it because they grow up before your eyes. Just ask that person out all they can do is say no. Sometimes trust yourself you don’t have to smell it to know its gross.  Finally, be vulnerable, trust, laugh until it hurts, stop taking the same road all the time, do something different’ always say hi to someone you never know how that can change their life, compliment yourself, because if you don’t believe nobody will, say yes and not no, kiss like its your last, talk to God out loud, say thank you, and make  amends with anyone that you think you need to.





Day 474 What the eyes have seen FINAL

18 05 2014

I had a really cool weekend. I need a long nap but I lived it full this weekend. I got to speak again for Rock Bottom Outreach. I felt like myself and that my words really carried some meaning. I also went to the horses races mostly to see if California Chrome could attempt to win the Triple Crown. I really believe in two weeks we will have the first triple crown winner in many years. It’s unbelievable how much money is generated in horse racing. Now if I could  just own a horse!

I really appreciate all the responses I have gotten to this series of blogs I have been writing. Lots of encouragement and questions. When you traveled as much as I did for work you will have an experience where you think you may day in an airplane, We just dropped 15K feet in 13 seconds. I made my final call and left a VM telling my ex it was over and I loved her. You life will really flash before your eyes. When you travel just know the strongest become weak. Never get close to the point of being alone with people who you travel to all the time. If you have doubts on your wedding day end it then not later.If you think that something that happens early in a relationship wont care to the end your wrong. Just take the damn trip! It’s just money don’t complain just buy it for her. Take the guy trip it’s about memories and stories not woulda shoulda coulda. If they tell you Blair Witch Project will make you sick believe them. Just don’t drink the water in Mexico. Beer before liquor does make you sick! Trust but verify. Then check again. Go see your parents whenever you can because sometimes tomorrow doesn’t come. If someone offers you a can’t miss financial opportunity at least look at it because it could be worth millions. Love is not a feeling its a decision and some days you don’t have it but that’s , okay. Never accept 2nd best. Never give up on anyone because they could give up on you! Say your sorry and meant. Never tell someone you love them when you don’t. Never expect a pat on the back for the good you have done.  Learn to be alone but don’t isolate. Never lie to your kids. Tell you kids how awesome they are all the time. If they ask to pick them up do it because they grow up before your eyes. Just ask that person out all they can do is say no. Sometimes trust yourself you don’t have to smell it to know its gross.  Finally, be vulnerable, trust, laugh until it hurts, stop taking the same road all the time, do something different’ always say hi to someone you never know how that can change their life, compliment yourself, because if you don’t believe nobody will, say yes and not no, kiss like its your last, talk to God out loud, say thank you, and make  amends with anyone that you think you need to.





Day 340 I creating my wants list now

15 12 2013

Another crushing defeat for the Dallas Cowboys today. I actually got sick at my stomach. The fan base here deserves so much better. It’s amazing how a man like Jerry Jones can be such a smart business man but then let his ego kill his football team . Oh well at least we have Christmas!  I think  we need  start a support group for people who really can’t stop watching this train wreck of the Cowboys every weekend but we still do! All we need is a meeting place and alcohol. I know a good counselor!

I want to think Kristina Hinton Waller a friend of mine for spilling some truth on me that I needed over a business breakfast last Thursday. When it came to dating and what I wanted in a women I had what I don’t want list. She first stated that that’s a negative and you will attract that. What I needed was a want list so I know when I find it.  She explained how after her husband died and she got back in the dating world that if she had a don’t list she would be single still. So I have thought about this a lot and I truly believe that If I have my wants list I won’t waste anyone’s time or my own guessing on what I need or want. This also helps me to explain to someone else  that not all people are meant to be together just because we are male and female. People feel rejected but there are certain things that every person has to have or can’t have and that’s okay. Doesn’t make anyone a bad person just better to know now that make something try to work now and have it blow up later.

So here we go:

Must be a Godly women, Loves to laugh and be stupid sometimes, Is willing to try to understand  me and not change me, I can trust with everything past, present and future, A great mom, will listen no matter how dumb, Loyal to death,  Can’t smoke, must like sports (doesn’t have to understand them), Wants to be a wife for the first time or again,must be affectionate likes to give and receive affection, can role with the punches in life, when you’re not giving 100% she tells you its okay because there will be a day that I won’t either, allows me to be a man and leader in and out of the home, help me through my mistakes not constantly beat the crap out of me about them, is creative and crafty, likes to entertain, can cook, likes road trips, wants to work on self-improvement, I have some physical things but those are for me.

Since its my list I like it and I don’t have to have it all but at least I have a really good idea. I highly encourage you if your single to make ur list so you’re not sitting there wondering. It’s the small things in life that cause us not to repeat mistakes and bring us happiness and not hell.

 





Day 184 Yellow Light/Believe

11 07 2013

I made my first big purchase since my divorce yesterday. I bought a new car. I have to thank Jennifer L. Trayce C. and another who will remain anonymous for now for the help. I was scared like a little boy, I felt like I was doing something wrong. I have no idea why and I had a lot of doubt because of credit, bankruptcy and  my past. Yesterday at 5:10 I became the new owner of a GMC Arcadia. Life is about moving on and as one friend told me and she tells me a lot just believe!

At the start of 2010 I weighed 337 and today I weighed 257. 80 lbs slow and steady. It wasn’t always easy and I fell off many times.we can accomplish anything no matter what life throws at us. Yes I’m bragging but sometimes one person can give others hope. I’m so proud of myself because I always thought I would be fat. It just took a little bit each day. I appreciate the support from those who love and always have.

So why am I right and actually saying good things about myself which is abnormal it’s because there true.  I spend a lot of time tell you how wrong I was and I was but I have done a lot of good things too. I want just want to offer hope today. You know when were driving and we see the yellow light for most of us that’s speed up not slow down which is what it was intended for. I promise I see us do it and now the traffic cameras do to. I was one of those when they saw they YELLOW LIGHT OF LIFE I slammed on the brakes. I have no idea what caused it either. I know fear but I knew better. I felt sorry for myself, I had every excuse, (yes even that one). Agreed life took a giant dump on me and I didn’t deserve all of it but most I brought upon myself. I alienated everyone in my including my kids. I stopped loving, liking everything. I didn’t just stop at the yellow light I put my car in park, closed the door and walked away. Today when I stepped on the scale I took a deep breath and said please let me be able to say I lost 80 lbs. I didn’t cheat it actually said 257 lbs. I got off and gave myself an air high 5. I went over to the bench and just sat there and said see you can do it. Last Thursday at Crossfit I finished the hardest workout I have ever done in my life. I went into my car and cried because the past 5 years I had thrown in the towel and said there’s always tomorrow. I wanted to quit so bad I hurt everywhere but I finished. People who know me think I’m invincible and I wanted you to think, but I was a broken boy. Today life as thrown knew circumstances at me but I’m ready and I believe I will stomp the crap out of them. Like all of us some days are good and some days are bad but I believe. Nobody can do anything for us until we believe we can.  I have a few to send thanks too for always being there and listening to me rant and rave, talk to much or laugh at my stupid jokes: My mom (stubborn old lady), my beautiful daughter who offers encouragement everyday, Jim M. always my voice of reason, Heather H. Danielle D.,  Scott N. , T.C., Brian H., My Wednesday morning and Wednesday night men’s group (some of the most real and extraordinary men walking on this earth) Finally my God, Who has heard me cuss his name, laugh at him, cry with him, ignore him and thank him sometimes. No matter what I said he was sitting next to me telling me I created you for greatness and your on your way my son!!








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