Day 1690 Will you open my chest please

30 10 2017

Yesterday I had a lot of thinking going on. My mind wandered and I couldn’t reel it back in. When I get emotional I like to drive. Lucky for me and my son the weather was great. We rolled down the windows. I made him put the tablet down and I put my phone away. He asked what we were going to drive and think and spend time together. He said that’s weird but okay. We were both quiet for a bit and he said the sun feels different today daddy. I said what do you mean he said its a happy sun. I just smiled and rubbed his head. During the drive I gave him some life pointers on things to do and not do. Like stop and take a deep breath and feel the happy sun. Never make someone feel bad. We have a favorite song we listen to so we played it over and over and I thought a lot.

If you could open up my  chest and see whats inside would you run, marvel at the mess was in there. Would you run your fingers across the scars and wish to heal them. Would you laugh or be appalled  at the places Iv been. The lies I told you and myself.

I thought a lot about what I’m trying to do, why I get “stuck” why I get shy and nobody knows, why Im on phone too much, why I wont reach out knowing that’s exactly what I need. The painful moments that added up to me wanting to leave this world and all the people alone. That when people I hurt I truly hurt, when I need to be cheered up most people can’t because where they are that day.

I then thought about how I love to hug people, I remember almost all of  my hugs. The transfer of love and feelings in a hug even for a few seconds makes me happy, that being in love is truly the best feeling a person can have. The sense of pride I feel looking at my kids cannot be matched. I love to sing and even get compliments sometimes, the moments when my family growing up got to spend holidays together. I love when dogs curl up with you.  When I see someone accomplish they didn’t believe they could I want to just cheer so loud. The power of a kiss, the power of words used in a positive way to change someones broken heart.

Just some random ramblings because writing them down helps me. Thanks for reading.


Day 898 I don’t need you

12 07 2015

Yesterday I attend a wedding and reception for one of the first girls I dated after my divorce. She said I was the best first date she ever had. I guess that was enough and we have stayed friends and I was lucky enough to attend yesterday. He’s a great guy and two people who have found love after divorce. We almost didn’t make it because I took my son and he said if they kiss Im going to throw up. Im proud to report they did kiss and no throw up! Something is up though because 4 girls Ive dated in the last 19 months have gotten married after me. So if you’re looking to get married go on a date with me and the man of your dreams appears right after me. LOL!

I was the worlds worst independent, I go this, I don’t need you person. If you didn’t do I would step in and get it done “the right way” I couldn’t accept help, I had to be the first, the best and sometimes the only. I was a great team player as long as I lead the team. I was even brash enough to tell God on many occasions I got this I don’t need you. I never said I was smart I said I was independent. I pretty much alienated every single person in my life away from me and when you do that Rock Bottom is just sitting there waiting for you! I reached it but in that I learned some very valuable lessons which we always do and it’s always the hard way.

Last night at the reception I heard a conversation (BTW people talk to loud sometimes) and this guy and girl who were friends but not together mentioned at least three times that they didn’t need anybody. They gave their reasons see above just like I had and I wanted to jump in the conversation so bad but I let it play out. It’s so sad that we think we got this by ourselves. We as people were destined to belong, why are there gangs, team sports, band, mothers group, AA, etc.. We were made to be with others. As iron sharpens iron one man sharpens another. You take being an alcoholic or drug user and who you hang around with is what you become. You’re a christian and you hang with atheists your probably going to become atheists. What I m trying to say is good or bad we all want to belong. We need the time by ourselves to reflect but if we stay by ourselves we don’t got it and we never will. If you were on your island you might even survive or thrive but just for a bit then you will drown either figuratively or in mind trash. It is true we don’t need certain people or persons in our life. All they do is crush our soul and spirit. Fine get rid of them but you need to surround yourself with people and different kinds that help you not to be alone. I promise you this: If you try to fix you with only you it may end is a pool of your own emotions, or blood. We  have more going on in our lives than ever before and the garbage that floats around in our mind is crippling. I’m blessed to have 4 close friends. I call them my 3 o’clock in the morning friends. If its 3 o’clock I can call them and they will be there. they might grill me but they will be there. I have my Rock Bottom family that not once have they judged me and accepted me every-time. I want you to find that as well. You can always become a part of the rock bottom family or find your peeps that are your 3 o’clock friends. You may have never needed them but you will one day I promise. The people I had in my past life left me when I needed them, I thought they were my ride or die types. When I needed them they could have cared less of I would have died. You cant and weren’t meant to be alone. So rather than saying I don’t need you say I want you please. If you want those types of people pray and God will bring them to you!

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