Day 1615 Lets get naked

6 08 2017

First I want to thank you all for reading this blog. It’s so cool that people all over the world can read this. Looking at all the countries I wonder if I weird in foreign countries too.

Second I get a lot what does the day in your title mean. Well in this case 1615 days ago I started a car trip to Virginia by myself. to see one of my closet friends. I prayed and promised myself that my life would change for the better starting that day and would never be the same. So here we are 1615 days later. Its been one hell of a roller coaster but its been a blast.

I hope the title got you to read! I have been the physical naked more times that you want to hear. It was the only way I knew to love for the longest time or feel I was important. I hurt so many women over the years. It wasn’t purposeful just thought being naked meant I was enough. So shirt off,pants off and you liked me.

I hope for most of us with age comes wisdom, if not you hit your rock bottom and I promise you get wiser or you get buried.  I learned that not only does my value not coming from being physically naked but you want someone to love, like, or respect you: LETS GET REALLY NAKED. I hate small talk every bit of it, I could care less what’s up! I’m going to give or get a generic answer anyway so why I ask. The naked I want is the soul bearing, tear filled, biggest smile type of naked, clothes on or off I don’t care. I want to talk about: death, aliens, birthdays cake, what makes you cry, why you became insecure, why you fake it, music, the meaning of life,  the lies you live, your favorite smells, the quirks that nobody knows because you feel you’ll be judged, your childhood, your first crush, why you watch the ceiling fan spin at night, why does asparagus make your pee smell so bad, why you don’t like peanuts but love peanut butter. I want to know your emotions, what your depth is. Why you’re twisted.  I learned not to judge but question. When you know someone who is  feeling that,  that feeling only comes from God. if you know me and say you’re the weirdest person I know but I love your soul. Mission accomplished!

Don’t get me wrong I love the physical naked but learning what it takes to be real makes relationships powerful. I know you can’t get naked with everyone because most wont get it and that’s okay. So to me from you let’s get naked. Real is exposing your soul and not giving a damn! I’m ready for the real naked time!!

Thanks for reading

 

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Day 856 Is everyone here make believe

1 06 2015

Another weekend without baseball makes my son frustrated. He said doesn’t God understand were trying to be championship and you can’t  do that sitting at home. The rain is finally stopping for a week and I it’s so far past time. We are full of water and now the mosquitoes will feast on my head and my tasty blood. If you see me bringing out the saddle it’s not for the horses its to tame a swarm of mosquitoes. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve said today but hope you smiled if not I’ll try harder!!

Growing up in the country we had a lot of ideal time. We had 50 acres of land and very few friends that lived close. So I had an imaginary friend named Roscoe and when there was nobody to play with I had Roscoe and my dog Rusty. We played everything from cops and robbers, to make-believe, anything the world was our  playground. Make believe was great because you could always be something you couldn’t normally be. I have always been opinionated and outspoken my whole life. Sometimes that has paid off and sometimes I wish I would have just been quite. In my quite times I learned not to be real with what I thought and felt. A very select few got to know my deepest thoughts and that carried even into my marriage. Roscoe my imaginary friend knew things when I was little but then since I was such and individual and liked to live on the island of me, I sank with my deepest thoughts into the depths of my soul. They stayed there until August of 2011 when I unleashed them with my attempted suicide. After going to counseling and studying and learning and fighting everything that I felt right it was time to get real!! I will talk about any and everything. Things that most people want to hide and wont even touch that part of their soul. Why do you it? I ve been asked more than I can count. My answer is always: for me its all I know. The truth will set you free and now I know what that truly means.

Last night I was having a drink with my buddy and he went to talk to someone else and I was left outside at this pub and just enjoying not talking to anyone but being there and a college friend pops out of nowhere. After the typical questions you get when you hadn’t seen someone in a while. He said You were always real and I wish I could have done that. I tried to explain well I really wasn’t but he stopped and said do you think everyone here is playing make-believe. I said yes absolutely and I knew exactly what he meant.

I have 3 people in my life that have shared the innermost parts of their heart a soul. I mean that crap that scares people so bad that they cringe or get squirmy in your seat. I could tell you things that you wouldn’t believe or want to you. My buddy last night said we’ve been friends for 5 years and every time you can tell me something that’s almost impossible to believe but people back it up and agree it happened.  I lived in a fake world and it literally almost took my life. So whats the point:

I don’t expect anyone to be like me, if you feel in bondage and your life not changing then why not try to stop playing make-believe. People see through your crap. They may never say a word but when you reach a certain age you just know ALL people have struggles and seasons no matter how many beautiful dresses they try to put in their life. God has seen everything I have done. Its embarrassing but he sent Jesus to die for my stupidity and sins so who am I trying to impress. No matter what I do I will get judge good or bad, I will be put on a pedestal and knocked off of it. I will feel worthless some days and others on top of the world. My job is no longer to try to impress you. Sure I want you to say man that guy is freaking amazing but then that’s just feeding my stupid ego. All I’m asking is if you want to be in my life boat I need all of you. yes even that part of you because that’s what I understand. It’s sad how amazing some people truly are and hide it based on past relationships, the thoughts of somebody else or what you tell yourself everyday in the mirror. I stink at make-believe but I’m really good at being real. Just remember that you can put a dress on a pig but it’s still a pig no matter aspect of make-believe you play.





Day 856 Is everyone here make believe

31 05 2015

Another weekend without baseball makes my son frustrated. He said doesn’t God understand were trying to be championship and you can’t  do that sitting at home. The rain is finally stopping for a week and I it’s so far past time. We are full of water and now the mosquitoes will feast on my head and my tasty blood. If you see me bringing out the saddle it’s not for the horses its to tame a swarm of mosquitoes. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve said today but hope you smiled if not I’ll try harder!!

Growing up in the country we had a lot of ideal time. We had 50 acres of land and very few friends that lived close. So I had an imaginary friend named Roscoe and when there was nobody to play with I had Roscoe and my dog Rusty. We played everything from cops and robbers, to make-believe, anything the world was our  playground. Make believe was great because you could always be something you couldn’t normally be. I have always been opinionated and outspoken my whole life. Sometimes that has paid off and sometimes I wish I would have just been quite. In my quite times I learned not to be real with what I thought and felt. A very select few got to know my deepest thoughts and that carried even into my marriage. Roscoe my imaginary friend knew things when I was little but then since I was such and individual and liked to live on the island of me, I sank with my deepest thoughts into the depths of my soul. They stayed there until August of 2011 when I unleashed them with my attempted suicide. After going to counseling and studying and learning and fighting everything that I felt right it was time to get real!! I will talk about any and everything. Things that most people want to hide and wont even touch that part of their soul. Why do you it? I ve been asked more than I can count. My answer is always: for me its all I know. The truth will set you free and now I know what that truly means.

Last night I was having a drink with my buddy and he went to talk to someone else and I was left outside at this pub and just enjoying not talking to anyone but being there and a college friend pops out of nowhere. After the typical questions you get when you hadn’t seen someone in a while. He said You were always real and I wish I could have done that. I tried to explain well I really wasn’t but he stopped and said do you think everyone here is playing make-believe. I said yes absolutely and I knew exactly what he meant.

I have 3 people in my life that have shared the innermost parts of their heart a soul. I mean that crap that scares people so bad that they cringe or get squirmy in your seat. I could tell you things that you wouldn’t believe or want to you. My buddy last night said we’ve been friends for 5 years and every time you can tell me something that’s almost impossible to believe but people back it up and agree it happened.  I lived in a fake world and it literally almost took my life. So whats the point:

I don’t expect anyone to be like me, if you feel in bondage and your life not changing then why not try to stop playing make-believe. People see through your crap. They may never say a word but when you reach a certain age you just know ALL people have struggles and seasons no matter how many beautiful dresses they try to put in their life. God has seen everything I have done. Its embarrassing but he sent Jesus to die for my stupidity and sins so who am I trying to impress. No matter what I do I will get judge good or bad, I will be put on a pedestal and knocked off of it. I will feel worthless some days and others on top of the world. My job is no longer to try to impress you. Sure I want you to say man that guy is freaking amazing but then that’s just feeding my stupid ego. All I’m asking is if you want to be in my life boat I need all of you. yes even that part of you because that’s what I understand. It’s sad how amazing some people truly are and hide it based on past relationships, the thoughts of somebody else or what you tell yourself everyday in the mirror. I stink at make-believe but I’m really good at being real. Just remember that you can put a dress on a pig but it’s still a pig no matter aspect of make-believe you play.





Day 43 Honesty Yeah Right?

2 10 2012

I’m so sports sad today. My beloved Cowboys played like they were on vacation already and my Rangers lost and only have to win one game to win the division but I think they are going to get swept.

Honesty it’s one of the hardest things to be and hardest things for us to understand. Everyone likes honesty until u start talking about yourself or God forbid them. If your talking about someone u can get the amen and the shaking if the head yes. I hated honesty and now I m learning to respect it. When u find out things about yourself its hard to swallow but when others find out those things about u it’s almost impossible to accept. The only way for me to heal is to accept my mistakes, hurts and fears. That doesn’t mean I have handled it well but I wake up everyday asking for the power to shut my mouth. Some days good and some not so much. Fear causes us not to believe what we need to hear, same with rejection, and guilt.
with me u will always know where u stand good or bad. It’s fine until the bad comes along but I think I owe u that.
My counselor Brian said because of your honesty your going to get hurt more than when u lied. He said 95% of the world says they want the truth until they hear it. I found out the hard way the past two days. I told two different women why I couldn’t date them. They were my issues and there’s. I got literally verbally pummeled. I made the point that wouldn’t u rather me be honest now rather than 3-6 months down the road. The answer was an overwhelming no. They began to berate me, how dare u, etc. I know I m doing the right thing sure I could lead them on have sex with them, drop them and I honestly think they would be okay with that. I rejected them and was honest so I m a dick.
I am okay with being an honest dick that u can trust rather than another dick walking the earth leaving a trail of tears behind. I appreciate the encouragement I got today. helping us realize a fear. I needed it.

The book I ve been reading about judgement has helped me a lot and also let me know how far I fall. Proverbs  says foolish lips invite punishment.  Getting control of our words in one the key ways to change our world.. . A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back. Proverbs 29:11. I struggle with hold my feelings back. Sometimes  what  is the truth is not the fool it is just someone telling the truth.  I had pain today because I told my feelings and things I thought that needed to be heard.

One of the isms about me I make a statement and because yo don’t my dry humor, or my heart  you take it as mean. If you know me you know thats the farthest from the truth. Usually I m trying to make someone laugh. What I do have to do is learn that most people don’t get me or my intimidating personally if I m not smiling.. I ve seen the look in the eyes of those people or how their voice changes. Once its done though no apology will fix what I have said and I have to take the responsibility for that.. When we are judged or scrutinized we often fail to accept the responsibility  for how our words evoke opinions and judgements of others.. We think they should have known we didn’t mean that. We are actually asking them to judge us with that thought; we just want tot he judgement to come out in our favor. However people can’t read our minds. Matthew 12:37 Jesus said ” For by our words we are justified and by our words condemned. As someone wisely said make your words sweet and soft. You may have to eat the. By this time in my life I m very full.

Love ya all, Pass this along.








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