Day 1348 Does Im sorry work

27 10 2016

Hello again peeps. Another wonderful summer day  at the end of October with a high of 88. I really wish I knew what seasons were I read about them in the picture books but they don’t seem to be real lol. Just FYI it’s just stupid how expensive Halloween costumes are for something that kids wear one time and then goes into a box forever. At least we get candy on the 31st so score one for us kids that are adults now.

I’m sorry one set of the most powerful words in the English language. We usually mean it sometimes we hope it saves us but mostly we mean it. Are there things that we do that no matter what I’m sorry just doesn’t matter? This past Saturday I had one of the toughest days I’ve had in 5 years. You think you’ve over come your demons and sometimes they take a giant crap on your head. I didn’t hurt anyone else I promise but I did destroy myself some.  We get isolated with out thoughts and then bam. I know better, I know that if I think negative, think I’m unworthy, think Im unlovable that nobody will miss me, then your mind has nothing to do but believe what your feeding it. Lucky for so many of us we have a moment of clarity and we wake up and think what in the hell was going on there. Why did I think those thoughts, why lead me to here. Why would I do that to the people I love. The reason is that were human and sometimes we believe the devil more than we believe Jesus. After the people you’re close to find out your thoughts you say your sorry and you mean it but then the question comes do they believe your sorry.

It’s not like the boy crying wolf its more they know your sorry but its easier not to accept the apology because then you don’t have to feel hurt by them again.  Nobody likes to repeat their mistakes but we do. Sorry is great to hear when it’s not the same mistake but when it becomes 1, 2, 3 times does I’m sorry fall on deaf ears. I really have no answer to this because its dependent on the person being apologize to.

Anyway I wanted to blog and that was my thought for that moment. Until the next crazy mind thought comes through: Love you





Day 940 Its suicide season

23 08 2015

We got a final wrap on summer by taking my entire family to Great Wolf Lodge. For those that don’t know its an indoor water park. I think everyone had the same idea as me and it was packed. It was super cool place though and we even went down a scary slide. My kids are growing up so fast and this is the second time I’ve been there with them and just remembering from the last time made me emotional a bit.

I try to be pretty upbeat when I write my blog! Sometimes I don’t want to but be being positive and still keep it real helps me a lot. I’m hurting today to be honest. Yesterday and today I dealt with 5 different situations that I’m getting used to but it never gets easier. 2 calls that I am about to get a divorced what can I do, one a great man and friend died on the operating table, an addict refusing help, and a suicide.  Being a part of Rock Bottom Outreach we get to see the good  but also the bad. I don’t care who you are you just never get used to anything bad happening to anyone especially over and over. I guess my calling to help counsel people on is divorce, anger and suicide. Sometimes in that order all at once. Since I attempted suicide in 2011 I understand it and how somebody gets there. The worst part and every time it brings up the feelings I felt that August day. I was hopeless, felt that the world was better without me, my kids didn’t need me and that I was unlovable which I seemed to prove daily. Now that I’m a here I get sick when I hear about suicide. Not only for the person but the wreckage it leaves behind. Nobody ever becomes normal again especially the kids. It never makes sense unless you’re the one trying to kill yourself. Reason, and rational thought is gone. Its like the mind switched off and it’s not coming back on.

Yesterday through Facebook I got a message and honestly it shocked me. I pulled over and cried. My friend had just moved for a great opportunity for his wife  and he was going back to coaching. Last time I saw him he seemed like the same guy.  Happy about the opportunity and I just wouldn’t have thought it but……. He hung himself in a tree, his teenage son had to cut him down, and honestly his wife had no clue either. His son never gets the image out of his mind, the wife blames herself, and the other kids are left with a whole that only God and mean only God can heal. Thats 8 people this year that I was close to that had died of suicide. Then I made a Facebook just reminding them how much their loved. People think you wake up and say today  Im going to kill myself!! Thats not true at all, it takes time and hopelessness. It took me 2.5 months to make the decision. The pain that someone carried is absolutely earth shattering if you get to talk to someone who lived through it. After I made the announcement on my FB page three people reached out to me saying they were thinking about it and 4 other people said that they had friends in the past two weeks that had killed themselves. Last night before I closed my eyes I did some research! 22 % of all veterans are killing themselves and the suicide rate of Americans is up  57% for the past 2 years. Who knows if that stats are correct because stats are made up on the spot, but this is true people are  killing themselves at an  alarming rate.

Satan is real my friends and he is kicking a lot of butt now. More people are turning away from God and I have no other answer but God. The only reason I can hit these keys on the is keyboard is because of God. In a time where humans need each other more than ever we isolate more behind, our phone, or computer, when was the last time you just called someone or God forbid went to where they lived and just checked on them. The need to be in community and have a face to face conversation never ended. I think its more important now that ever. Do you remember the last time you had a face to face waked away with a hug and how great that feeling was. I bet when you sent your last text it didn’t feel that way.

Here’s what I know for me: If you have the slightest worry about someone, call them, invite them out, do something. It’s not your job to save anyone I guess but you have no idea the power of your words.

If your thinking about it: I love you, you are loved, you are not your past, you’re not your mistakes, you are a gift and you are needed. I promise you. It doesn’t matter what you thought can’t be fixed it can. Don’t isolate reach out.  If you haven’t prayed Jesus is right next to you. He never left you!

Love you!





Day 731 Drunk enough to feel

28 01 2015

80 Degrees in Texas in January. Yep its the joys of being a Texan. Saturday we will need a coat but today sun tan lotion. The top of my head looks better with a tan anyway.

I don’t drink a lot anymore. I might drink twice a month. I’m pretty comfortable with who I am and don’t need to escape or have liquid courage to accomplish a night of fun but.. Saturday night was a different story. I went  to my aunts wedding reception and saw family I hadn’t seen in a while. I wasn’t going to go but my mom asked and I wanted to support my aunt. I kept looking at my watch  hoping the time would pass quicker but like all time it doesn’t pass when you want it to. I couldn’t stand the questions of when are you going to have a girlfriend, do you want to get remarried, just the long list of questions you get when you older and single.

I went and hung out with one of my buddies and had about a 45 minute drive there. I have demons and I kick their ass most days. The one demon that gets me the most is loneliness. AS I made the drive my mind wander over to the wrong lane and started feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to escape my mind for a bit but didn’t know what to do. I meet up with my buddy in this hole in the place. I enjoyed his company but my mind wouldn’t stop. Two drinks lead to 2 shots and you know how it goes. In my past i could get drunk enough not to feel anything which is where I was going I hoped. This time though I only got to the point I could feel things I didn’t want to. I felt my loneliness, my fear and my lack of faith in God in many things. I wanted for just a little while to get my mind to stop because I didn’t believe God could do it for me at that time.

I’m sure you’re wondering why is he telling us this! I’m not going to apologize  for being human but I am sorry for not following my own advice. People always say man you got it together. Sure if you want to believe that you can but Im just like you. I just have different convictions  than before so I can bounce back a little quicker. If you take your focus on God, isolate yourself and believe you can figure it all out you could be in a horrible place that you thought left a long time ago. I made it home but before I did I stopped on a pretty dark empty place on 35 in Ponder Texas got out of the car and screamed at the top of my lungs. Ironic thing its the same place when I was 20 years old I woke up so drunk I busted through the fence and had passed out. After screaming like I was in a Hollywood horror flick I need to remember that spot from almost 20 years earlier and thanked God for bringing me to where I was now. It’s funny how if you need a reminder God can always show you something you don’t want but need to see.

I write this for me to go back read and remember but for you too. You are okay and you’re not alone.You are not your past, the feelings you have do not justify you and if you fall of the horse get back up. Love you!





Day 731 Drunk enough to feel

27 01 2015

80 Degrees in Texas in January. Yep its the joys of being a Texan. Saturday we will need a coat but today sun tan lotion. The top of my head looks better with a tan anyway.

I don’t drink a lot anymore. I might drink twice a month. I’m pretty comfortable with who I am and don’t need to escape or have liquid courage to accomplish a night of fun but.. Saturday night was a different story. I went  to my aunts wedding reception and saw family I hadn’t seen in a while. I wasn’t going to go but my mom asked and I wanted to support my aunt. I kept looking at my watch  hoping the time would pass quicker but like all time it doesn’t pass when you want it to. I couldn’t stand the questions of when are you going to have a girlfriend, do you want to get remarried, just the long list of questions you get when you older and single.

I went and hung out with one of my buddies and had about a 45 minute drive there. I have demons and I kick their ass most days. The one demon that gets me the most is loneliness. AS I made the drive my mind wander over to the wrong lane and started feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to escape my mind for a bit but didn’t know what to do. I meet up with my buddy in this hole in the place. I enjoyed his company but my mind wouldn’t stop. Two drinks lead to 2 shots and you know how it goes. In my past i could get drunk enough not to feel anything which is where I was going I hoped. This time though I only got to the point I could feel things I didn’t want to. I felt my loneliness, my fear and my lack of faith in God in many things. I wanted for just a little while to get my mind to stop because I didn’t believe God could do it for me at that time.

I’m sure you’re wondering why is he telling us this! I’m not going to apologize  for being human but I am sorry for not following my own advice. People always say man you got it together. Sure if you want to believe that you can but Im just like you. I just have different convictions  than before so I can bounce back a little quicker. If you take your focus on God, isolate yourself and believe you can figure it all out you could be in a horrible place that you thought left a long time ago. I made it home but before I did I stopped on a pretty dark empty place on 35 in Ponder Texas got out of the car and screamed at the top of my lungs. Ironic thing its the same place when I was 20 years old I woke up so drunk I busted through the fence and had passed out. After screaming like I was in a Hollywood horror flick I need to remember that spot from almost 20 years earlier and thanked God for bringing me to where I was now. It’s funny how if you need a reminder God can always show you something you don’t want but need to see.

I write this for me to go back read and remember but for you too. You are okay and you’re not alone.You are not your past, the feelings you have do not justify you and if you fall of the horse get back up. Love you!





Day 672 Why the holidays are so hard

30 11 2014

I’m part of one amazing organization. Rock Bottom Outreach does so much for each one of us but we give back to our community is amazing. We did a Coat drive for children  called Coats for Kids and the goal was 2000 coats. We got 2190 what an effort and I’m so thankful to be a part of the selfless group of people.

The holidays one of the best times of year. There are so many good things that happen this time of year. Concentration on Jesus, Friends, family, giving, the weather, people, special moments that don’t just happen throughout the year. The holidays are geared to happiness, relationships and everything good in the world. While that is so true and I’m glad it is let’s get real. The is the toughest part of the year for many people. December and July are the two highest rates of suicide. If your single or married it doesn’t matter. If this doesn’t pertain to you then stop reading but this is real. This time of year brings back traditions, nostalgia, lots of hurt, pain, death. If were missing, a parent, or so glad that there gone, somebody we loved died, relationships that ended, you’re in a horrible marriage and you can’t fake your way through it, Your kids are grown and gone, you can’t go home, money is short, people are sick, your sick, it’s the end of another year and nothing has changed in your life, you hate Santa. If you single your might have lost custody of your children, you don’t have children yet and you want them so bad, this time of year brings back memories good and bad of failed relationships, everything is geared for family and love. People hate to be alone during this time of year more than any. You can be alone in a relationship as well. Movies stir more emotions than normal.  I know for me tonight I decorated my place by myself. I would loved to have my kids with me but it will be ready when they get here. I would love to walk the stores/mall hand in hand with someone laugh at all the idiots and smiling just sharing and making memories. It reminds so much of my dad and how much he loved us coming home. My mom making miracles happening with nothing because of what life had dealt us. This year my kids wake up Christmas morning with their mom and I’m sorry its just not the same without them here.

So why share all of this. People isolate this time of year. Please reach out to them. There are so many good things about this time of year that we forget because we feel sorry for ourselves. This is the season of love for a reason. Insist on people coming with you,, keep checking on people if yo get that gut feeling. Most people are very private and would never tell you what their feeling and thinking. I promise it’s a tough time of year lets share our blessings and then they get passed on.





Day 561 Please save me Robin Williams

13 08 2014

I guess you could say I did have mental illness and a fellow struggler and one of my favorite actors of all time died yesterday by taking his life. Called suicide. The most grossly understood of all diseases and draws more reaction and so-called “experts” when it happens. I never get the request to blog but today I was sent a request and some information about suicide so here I go trying to give my thoughts on it. Robin Williams had everything that society says you need to have to have a good life, but it didn’t matter. WE ARE ALL THE SAME no matter what you want to think. Robin Williams is proof that you have it but you can’t buy your way out of a disease. He made millions of people laugh, cry, at peace and think they were okay. Today we sit here and he couldn’t find any of those things for himself.  Nanu Nanu

3.5 years ago I was ready to take my life. Nothing made sense and the pain pf my life was too much. I knew no other way. Sure it was selfish to think that way but when your there your think you’re doing people a favor. How dare someone who has never struggled with it beat down someone who has. You do many selfish things as well but you do them out of your own selfish ways not because you think you’re doing people a favor. Suicide is not a choice you make, but rather a choice that happens onto when your pain was greater than your ability to cope. I was lucky and I have no idea why or what caused me not to do the act, but I’m thankful today I didn’t. I can still feel that day of pain and everything leading up to it and I bet there is not one of you that would want to take that from me because its too much!

Suicide is not a weak decision. It is a decision that takes an incredible amount of strength to make, actually. Someone isn’t weak if they end their life. They are desperate. There is a difference. It’s okay to feel angry at the person for dying. It’s okay to question, to rail against the forces that caused this. But it isn’t weakness. Mental illness isn’t weakness. It’s a disease, a pervasive, sometimes awful disease. The person doesn’t deserve anger and skepticism forever. They deserve compassion. Their family deserves compassion.

Ending a life is incredibly, incredibly tragic. It represents a lost battle with mental illness. In that, it is no different from cancer, or diabetes, or a heart attack. Where it is different is that suicide is a choice. Whether it is the right or wrong choice for that person is solely the business of that person who commits suicide. But for the family left behind, it is devastating.

Don’t rail against Robin Williams, or anyone else, for committing suicide (if indeed, that is the cause of his death). Instead, reach out. Let people know you’re there for them. Find a crisis line in your area to call if you are feeling desperate and like you want to do something you can’t take back. Support the family and friends left behind in the best way you can. Let the people you love know that you love them and that you are thinking about them. Let them know that they are not alone. (Not sure where these came from but it was sent to me to write about).

If you know of someone who is struggling and you do nothing its a hell of a burden to carry. Isolation is a killer and yes its devastating but don’t try to  understand their pain just know its real and do whatever you can to get them help.





Day 561 Please save me Robin Williams

12 08 2014

I guess you could say I did have mental illness and a fellow struggler and one of my favorite actors of all time died yesterday by taking his life. Called suicide. The most grossly understood of all diseases and draws more reaction and so-called “experts” when it happens. I never get the request to blog but today I was sent a request and some information about suicide so here I go trying to give my thoughts on it. Robin Williams had everything that society says you need to have to have a good life, but it didn’t matter. WE ARE ALL THE SAME no matter what you want to think. Robin Williams is proof that you have it but you can’t buy your way out of a disease. He made millions of people laugh, cry, at peace and think they were okay. Today we sit here and he couldn’t find any of those things for himself.  Nanu Nanu

3.5 years ago I was ready to take my life. Nothing made sense and the pain pf my life was too much. I knew no other way. Sure it was selfish to think that way but when your there your think you’re doing people a favor. How dare someone who has never struggled with it beat down someone who has. You do many selfish things as well but you do them out of your own selfish ways not because you think you’re doing people a favor. Suicide is not a choice you make, but rather a choice that happens onto when your pain was greater than your ability to cope. I was lucky and I have no idea why or what caused me not to do the act, but I’m thankful today I didn’t. I can still feel that day of pain and everything leading up to it and I bet there is not one of you that would want to take that from me because its too much!

Suicide is not a weak decision. It is a decision that takes an incredible amount of strength to make, actually. Someone isn’t weak if they end their life. They are desperate. There is a difference. It’s okay to feel angry at the person for dying. It’s okay to question, to rail against the forces that caused this. But it isn’t weakness. Mental illness isn’t weakness. It’s a disease, a pervasive, sometimes awful disease. The person doesn’t deserve anger and skepticism forever. They deserve compassion. Their family deserves compassion.

Ending a life is incredibly, incredibly tragic. It represents a lost battle with mental illness. In that, it is no different from cancer, or diabetes, or a heart attack. Where it is different is that suicide is a choice. Whether it is the right or wrong choice for that person is solely the business of that person who commits suicide. But for the family left behind, it is devastating.

Don’t rail against Robin Williams, or anyone else, for committing suicide (if indeed, that is the cause of his death). Instead, reach out. Let people know you’re there for them. Find a crisis line in your area to call if you are feeling desperate and like you want to do something you can’t take back. Support the family and friends left behind in the best way you can. Let the people you love know that you love them and that you are thinking about them. Let them know that they are not alone. (Not sure where these came from but it was sent to me to write about).

If you know of someone who is struggling and you do nothing its a hell of a burden to carry. Isolation is a killer and yes its devastating but don’t try to  understand their pain just know its real and do whatever you can to get them help.








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