Day 1690 Will you open my chest please

30 10 2017

Yesterday I had a lot of thinking going on. My mind wandered and I couldn’t reel it back in. When I get emotional I like to drive. Lucky for me and my son the weather was great. We rolled down the windows. I made him put the tablet down and I put my phone away. He asked what we were going to drive and think and spend time together. He said that’s weird but okay. We were both quiet for a bit and he said the sun feels different today daddy. I said what do you mean he said its a happy sun. I just smiled and rubbed his head. During the drive I gave him some life pointers on things to do and not do. Like stop and take a deep breath and feel the happy sun. Never make someone feel bad. We have a favorite song we listen to so we played it over and over and I thought a lot.

If you could open up my  chest and see whats inside would you run, marvel at the mess was in there. Would you run your fingers across the scars and wish to heal them. Would you laugh or be appalled  at the places Iv been. The lies I told you and myself.

I thought a lot about what I’m trying to do, why I get “stuck” why I get shy and nobody knows, why Im on phone too much, why I wont reach out knowing that’s exactly what I need. The painful moments that added up to me wanting to leave this world and all the people alone. That when people I hurt I truly hurt, when I need to be cheered up most people can’t because where they are that day.

I then thought about how I love to hug people, I remember almost all of  my hugs. The transfer of love and feelings in a hug even for a few seconds makes me happy, that being in love is truly the best feeling a person can have. The sense of pride I feel looking at my kids cannot be matched. I love to sing and even get compliments sometimes, the moments when my family growing up got to spend holidays together. I love when dogs curl up with you.  When I see someone accomplish they didn’t believe they could I want to just cheer so loud. The power of a kiss, the power of words used in a positive way to change someones broken heart.

Just some random ramblings because writing them down helps me. Thanks for reading.

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Day 895 What I learned in Detox

10 07 2015

Some things you need to do to just try, sometimes you do them just because and sometimes you’re looking for answers. I went on a Detox from all social media starting Sunday night at 11 until this morning at 7. Im sure some people are like your serious you needed that. The answer is yes. Im looking for answers for a few things which I’ll mention in a bit. Detox is a detox. We all struggle with something and we all have an addiction if you admit it or not doesn’t matter its true. In May 1997 I spent 5 days in detox after being drunk for 33 days straight so I understand that and that was by far more difficult and I came out of that sober but with still a Christmas Wish list of issues. This time I feel I have some real answers and direction. I know mostly I used social media as a false companion to distract myself from thinking and avoiding what mattered. You can have your circle of Facebook friends and still have no connection at all because the only connection you can truly form with someone with  personal face to face interaction. You can hide or be somebody you’re not in Social media. I don’t want to be that

Here are somethings that I know for sure: God loves me and I’m going in his direction and not mine, no matter how many times I drop the ball Im doing really good as a dad, Im a good friend, and my heart is genuine and pure. I live for others and giving back everything I can. I did this to get away from the negativity not just to the world but to me and mostly to realize if I’m lovable. I have heard more than 20 times dude you’re a woman’s dream, why are you single, you have to let go and try. I was beginning to believe I wasn’t lovable well…. Im very love able but what Im not is trusting. I love me a lot more than I knew. Im also very proud to be in this place in my life. If you have ever experienced my love you know not only in my hug but the giving that I do is what love is. I don’t judge, and I try to love you when you don’t love yourself.  But trust and getting to the point of love I suck at. What I do understand is this: If you ready this blog you understand my relationship with my father. I never wanted to be like him and as I get older Im more like him. My dad always thought that everyone was coming at him with an angle. They don’t care about me they only want to hurt, scare, or take from me. He was cheated on and after that he punished every women in his life including the most amazing woman God created my mother. She was all about the vows and loved him when most women would have shot him.  When he became disabled she did things for him that I couldn’t fathom and even when he said please leave me she wouldn’t. After witnessing this I made a pledge to myself that I would never be my father and treat a woman the way he treated my mom because he didn’t trust. Now that Ive been single for 3 years I don’t trust! I wonder what your angle is? I hear about well this person is so loyal, caring and trusting. I nod my head but inside I’m like yeah right. You’re a liar and if I let you get close to me your going to break my heart and take another part of me that I just cant give away again. So getting off of social media you learned all of this. Yes I did and now I have a big bunch of questions of to fix it. The best is I know. I know Im a great lover ( not just sexually perverts lol), but I attract love and people. I don’t trust but if you’re in my circle be glad your there because its small. I know if I ever want to have a relationship, where my soul can be pierced and God is involved I have to trust that he will allow me to open my heart back up. My conversations with God have not been approached with kid gloves so he knows where I stand and for the first time in a while I know he always hears me but I heard him. A work in progress yes and proud of it. So if you see me on social media too much you have my permission to tell me because that means Im trying to distract myself from what I should be focusing on.  Thanks for always reading and send me more grumpy cat memes on social media because he makes me laugh. Okay don’t do that!!!!





Day 895 What I learned in Detox

9 07 2015

Some things you need to do to just try, sometimes you do them just because and sometimes you’re looking for answers. I went on a Detox from all social media starting Sunday night at 11 until this morning at 7. Im sure some people are like your serious you needed that. The answer is yes. Im looking for answers for a few things which I’ll mention in a bit. Detox is a detox. We all struggle with something and we all have an addiction if you admit it or not doesn’t matter its true. In May 1997 I spent 5 days in detox after being drunk for 33 days straight so I understand that and that was by far more difficult and I came out of that sober but with still a Christmas Wish list of issues. This time I feel I have some real answers and direction. I know mostly I used social media as a false companion to distract myself from thinking and avoiding what mattered. You can have your circle of Facebook friends and still have no connection at all because the only connection you can truly form with someone with  personal face to face interaction. You can hide or be somebody you’re not in Social media. I don’t want to be that

Here are somethings that I know for sure: God loves me and I’m going in his direction and not mine, no matter how many times I drop the ball Im doing really good as a dad, Im a good friend, and my heart is genuine and pure. I live for others and giving back everything I can. I did this to get away from the negativity not just to the world but to me and mostly to realize if I’m lovable. I have heard more than 20 times dude you’re a woman’s dream, why are you single, you have to let go and try. I was beginning to believe I wasn’t lovable well…. Im very love able but what Im not is trusting. I love me a lot more than I knew. Im also very proud to be in this place in my life. If you have ever experienced my love you know not only in my hug but the giving that I do is what love is. I don’t judge, and I try to love you when you don’t love yourself.  But trust and getting to the point of love I suck at. What I do understand is this: If you ready this blog you understand my relationship with my father. I never wanted to be like him and as I get older Im more like him. My dad always thought that everyone was coming at him with an angle. They don’t care about me they only want to hurt, scare, or take from me. He was cheated on and after that he punished every women in his life including the most amazing woman God created my mother. She was all about the vows and loved him when most women would have shot him.  When he became disabled she did things for him that I couldn’t fathom and even when he said please leave me she wouldn’t. After witnessing this I made a pledge to myself that I would never be my father and treat a woman the way he treated my mom because he didn’t trust. Now that Ive been single for 3 years I don’t trust! I wonder what your angle is? I hear about well this person is so loyal, caring and trusting. I nod my head but inside I’m like yeah right. You’re a liar and if I let you get close to me your going to break my heart and take another part of me that I just cant give away again. So getting off of social media you learned all of this. Yes I did and now I have a big bunch of questions of to fix it. The best is I know. I know Im a great lover ( not just sexually perverts lol), but I attract love and people. I don’t trust but if you’re in my circle be glad your there because its small. I know if I ever want to have a relationship, where my soul can be pierced and God is involved I have to trust that he will allow me to open my heart back up. My conversations with God have not been approached with kid gloves so he knows where I stand and for the first time in a while I know he always hears me but I heard him. A work in progress yes and proud of it. So if you see me on social media too much you have my permission to tell me because that means Im trying to distract myself from what I should be focusing on.  Thanks for always reading and send me more grumpy cat memes on social media because he makes me laugh. Okay don’t do that!!!!





Day 839 Is this what its like to feel loved

15 05 2015

I know what God wants me doing. I know it, feel it and its a fulfilling feeling. I got lucky to hear God and he put me in touch with people who over 2 years brought me to Rock Bottom Outreach. There is no way in my normal life I would have ever been friends with these people just through my normal walk in life. Not only do I have these amazing people in my life but I’m also allowed to share my testimony. Some people say big deal does it matter, I couldn’t do it, why do you air your dirty laundry? For those that don’t know me God gave me a gift to lead, speak and be vulnerable. When he gives you something you run with it. For me I can and will get up in front of any and everybody to share from the moment I came into the world until where I stand now and tell you how I screwed up and my story or redemption not perfection. Why do I do it, why does Rock Bottom do it because we offer hope to the weak, weary, defeated, and the ones that are ready to end their life. We need it to as a part of our journey in healing. Last night was another amazing example of when I doubt what were doing and what I’m doing that God shows up and shows out.

We spoke to a group of youth and adults in Springtown Texas at Hilltop church. When I walked in your could feel the need and I was ready. I was very emotional last night and have no idea why and asked to go last. If I wouldn’t have I would have cried my the whole time but I went last and made it. The our team rocked it with Power testimonies which each of us gets 3 minutes. Its quick but you can through a lot of life in when you’re hitting the high notes. I talk about suicide in my message. I understand it and lived. I know what its like to feel worthless, unworthy, that everything you touch turns to garbage, that life will never get better. I also know that’s a lie from the pits of hell. I tried to end my life but I got lucky and now its my turn to share and change lives. After Rock Bottom and the message we get to stay around and talk to whoever wants to talk to us. The tough part about suicide is talking about it one on one and feeling someone elses pain. Two 7th grade girls approached me and said can I talk to you about suicide. I listened intently and inside I’m dying for them. I wont tell the whole story of both but I spoke some real talk to her and then talked to the adult leadership how to help her. Sure there was teenage drama to her talk but she was serious and then the there are moments that leave you speechless. I gave both girls hugs and one girl looked at me and said is that what its like to feel loved. I stepped back and I guess she saw the confusion on my face and said the hug you just gave me. I said I hope so sweetie.  I walked away with tears running down my eyes and said thank you God. Me being open and showing I care for this girl maybe for the first time in her life felt loved.

I got in my car and said no matter what I have screwed up in my life Jesus was like carry on my good and faithful son you’re doing my work and I love you!! Thanks for reading!!





Day 839 Is this what its like to feel loved

14 05 2015

I know what God wants me doing. I know it, feel it and its a fulfilling feeling. I got lucky to hear God and he put me in touch with people who over 2 years brought me to Rock Bottom Outreach. There is no way in my normal life I would have ever been friends with these people just through my normal walk in life. Not only do I have these amazing people in my life but I’m also allowed to share my testimony. Some people say big deal does it matter, I couldn’t do it, why do you air your dirty laundry? For those that don’t know me God gave me a gift to lead, speak and be vulnerable. When he gives you something you run with it. For me I can and will get up in front of any and everybody to share from the moment I came into the world until where I stand now and tell you how I screwed up and my story or redemption not perfection. Why do I do it, why does Rock Bottom do it because we offer hope to the weak, weary, defeated, and the ones that are ready to end their life. We need it to as a part of our journey in healing. Last night was another amazing example of when I doubt what were doing and what I’m doing that God shows up and shows out.

We spoke to a group of youth and adults in Springtown Texas at Hilltop church. When I walked in your could feel the need and I was ready. I was very emotional last night and have no idea why and asked to go last. If I wouldn’t have I would have cried my the whole time but I went last and made it. The our team rocked it with Power testimonies which each of us gets 3 minutes. Its quick but you can through a lot of life in when you’re hitting the high notes. I talk about suicide in my message. I understand it and lived. I know what its like to feel worthless, unworthy, that everything you touch turns to garbage, that life will never get better. I also know that’s a lie from the pits of hell. I tried to end my life but I got lucky and now its my turn to share and change lives. After Rock Bottom and the message we get to stay around and talk to whoever wants to talk to us. The tough part about suicide is talking about it one on one and feeling someone elses pain. Two 7th grade girls approached me and said can I talk to you about suicide. I listened intently and inside I’m dying for them. I wont tell the whole story of both but I spoke some real talk to her and then talked to the adult leadership how to help her. Sure there was teenage drama to her talk but she was serious and then the there are moments that leave you speechless. I gave both girls hugs and one girl looked at me and said is that what its like to feel loved. I stepped back and I guess she saw the confusion on my face and said the hug you just gave me. I said I hope so sweetie.  I walked away with tears running down my eyes and said thank you God. Me being open and showing I care for this girl maybe for the first time in her life felt loved.

I got in my car and said no matter what I have screwed up in my life Jesus was like carry on my good and faithful son you’re doing my work and I love you!! Thanks for reading!!





Day 703 I finally have fallen in love again

30 12 2014

For all of those new Years Resolutions people here is a fresh idea. Go back to what you wanted to do last year, figure out why you didn’t accomplish those. You will never have solutions to your resolutions until you figure out why you didn’t accomplish what you wanted to from the year before. When you figure it our reevaluate. Don’t try to move forward when you haven’t moved from last year. just an idea!

Yes I have finally fallen in love again. Its been a few years coming and its so much better than before. No I haven’t fallen in love with a new woman but my children again. I know some of you thought really I had no idea you had a woman I don’t, I’m not sure if I will master that but I sure have with my kids.

My kids are growing up and they aren’t as dependent on me in different ways than when they younger. My daughter is in 7th grade my son started Kindergarten this year. They are both so smart and witty.I can carry on conversations with them about so many different things. They even make me raise my eyebrows with how smart they are and what they know.When you don’t have you kids 7 days at time one you appreciate your time with them so much more when you have them, but you also see how much they grow up in  7 days. If you your married or have your kids all the time it’s just life but you don’t see the subtle changes than when they’re not there.  When they were here for the week of Christmas we talked a lot about God, being grateful and giving back. I think I stink at teaching about those things but even my 6 year gave me examples of how I was teaching  them through my words and bringing them to Rock Bottom events.  When I dropped them back off with their mom Christmas eve I hugged them like I wouldn’t see them again I’m sure they wondered what was up. That night I spent with myself just appreciating  how far I had come as a parent. June 2012 I moved out of my house and my first thought is I can’t be a single daddy. I m going to fail so miserably. I’m going to damaged them more than I already have. Christmas eve 2014 I fell in love with them all over again. I didn’t know it was possible to love two human beings as much as I do my children. No matter what I put them through they love me, I feel it, I see it, and they reflect that.

No matter what you have done wrong as a parent kids are forgiving: spend time with your kids, tell them how amazing they are, build them up, set examples for them, and fall in love with them all over again. BTW  if you don’t believe in God and miracles Im  living proof that God can take a big pile of nothing (not true but my thoughts at one time) and transform you into changing lives mostly importantly your children’s.








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