Day 1527 Please Daddy hold my hand

30 04 2017

 

I hope all of you are well. I’m going to get right into it today

I can remember 4 times in my life my dad held my hand. I was about 5 years old at the fort worth zoo and it was really crowded. I’m not sure why remember that but I do remember the feeling of how good it felt.

2nd time was my junior year of high school and I had just had a major operation on my leg. My dad wheeled me out on the football field and each teammate came by and high-fived me and when they were done I was crying. He grabbed my hand and said you’ll be their next year.
3rd time was my college graduation. My dad was very sick at this time and always in pain. Since W. Is in my last name I was at the end. He sat through the entire graduation. When I got to get over to my parents I stuck my hand out to shake his. He shook it but then it went from that to locking hands. He was crying and said thank you for always fulfilling my dreams of what my son could be.
Finally February 11 2005, my dad went into a coma at home. I got to my parents  at 11:00 pm. After hours of talking to him, they said he could hear me, I got up went outside and talked to God and said please take him. If you didn’t know I had a father wound, and was embarrassed and at times hated my dad. I was so ready for him to die. Around 7:00 am I went to his bed and laid down next to him. I took his hand and locked it with mine. I know he wanted that. At 720 am he took his last breath and I felt life leave him through my hand and his.
Why do i tell you this? I always wanted my dad to hold my hand and bring me along. That’s not what men did back then even though it was the most memorable and heartfelt things we did. I just never told him.
When I got my 2nd chance at life in 2011 I said I will hold my kids hands always especially my son. I guess I always have it’s because 2nd nature for me so I don’t realize I’m doing it.
Yesterday we were at a memorial service  and I’m very lovey with my kids. Rubbing their head, holding hands etc…as we sat at the service doing those things I was realizing how much my son loved to hold my hand.
We were leaving the memorial and a very old gentleman came up to me and said that boy if yours sure loves you. I said yes sir he does. He said you have no idea how I know do you? No sir I don’t. I saw you rubbing his head, but what caught my eye is every time you stood up to sing you locked hands and you held it the whole time. Remember this son, your teaching him love and continue so you won’t regret what you didn’t do. Yes sir and I hugged him.
So hold my hand daddy I need you. I wont forget that old man yesterday or the love my sin has for me. When I think I’m failing them im doing more than I realized.
Advertisements




Day 640 Sometimes there are no answers

28 10 2014

My babies and I spent about 1.5 looking for Halloween costumes. I would rather snipe hunt  all day than do that again. If you’re not sure what snipe hunting in Google it then go do it. It’s very relaxing. We are going as Sonic the hedge hog and a nerd fairy. I’m not sure what a nerd fairy is but as a friend of mine said put wings on anything. So there you go.

Today was a rough day: We buried the ashes of a family member that committed suicide last Sunday. After my divorce I have place in my heart for death of any kind that I never had before. I cry, I hurt, I feel for those that grieve, I put myself in those shoes. I especially grieve for those dealing with suicide. The family is left with a lifetime of guilt and wander. The kids are left with a feeling of no worth, no love and a void that can never be filled. I talked to our family member its been a month ago. He called out of the blue from an unknown number. He asked a lot of questions and I gave him so resources. I told him I would do anything for him. Just ask. I would hold his hand, drive him anywhere etc.. his mind was already made up on that call. I hoped he would call me again but I knew when my mom called and just mentioned his name what had happened.

I wont rant about suicide and the ignorance in folks or the little they know about it.  How weak someone is etc… Here’s what I will tell you. The person that commits suicide or attempts it is trying to do us a favor. The have lost every bit of worth, love, fake emotion, and heroism from their   body. they are a dead person walking. The worst part is that our minds are like weapons. They can be so powerful for good but can also destroy in which they do with suicide. People that commit suicide don’t want to they think they are doing us a favor and get them out of your life.Your world would be better without them. If they only knew. Today I counted 208 people at the funeral. If some how we could gather the love we have for someone video it and sending to the hurting then it may stop someone. No  guarantees but they mattered and so do you.

I used to be one ” of those people who based people who committed or attempted suicide. I would talk about how weak they were, coward and stupid. They had damned themselves to hell. All because I didn’t understand suicide. Well the Karma train stopped by train station August 27th 2011. As many of you know I had lost “EVERYTHING” I thought was important. I had finally crossed that line and decided the world and my family, friends and anyone else was better without me. I had written the letter, and at 9:58 pm I sat at he Top of a hill in Aubrey Texas and was ready to make that trip that everyone else deserved. I got lucky that day. I didn’t deserve to live, I was a coward, weak, and stupid and I knew. One rushing thought of my kids and I just stopped everything. Why did I deserve that day to stay alive. Maybe I did want to live and I was looking for attention. Nobody knew of my plan so that wasn’t true. Or maybe I just had it with me and all I failed to do and see, that I lost all control and self-worth, and nobody loved me. What a lie it was! I got lucky!

Today I take that broken man, who has a relationship with God and is truer to everyone he is around and I try to change lives. I hurt, grieve, I smile, I love like I never have. I tell me story to those that want to hear it and those that don’t. My story may change lives or a life. If you get a second chance its time to pay up and do whatever you can to help someone in need. I promise they are around you right now. People screaming out in the quiet for a face, a hand, or an encouraging word. Chris you are loved yesterday, today and tomorrow. You are gone but because of you and many others I will press on and hope that I can catch them the moment before and let them see that they are loved and worthy. Sometimes there are no answers but sometimes there are. Walk outside of yourself and live for someone else. You’ll be glad you did.








FAUZI PRESIDENT HAMIKU

Invite Rizky FAUZI as Speaker - 08986800220 (Chat WA) | SUPPORT HAMIKU SUCCESS with SHARE IT | Setelah DIBACA timbal baliknya harus di-SHARE soalnya gak gratis... - RIZKY FAUZI

iksperimentalist

a collision of science and comedy

Surviving the affair....the cheaters perspective

I cheated. Yip I did it, I am not proud of it, but that won't change a thing. This is my story of me trying to survive one day at a time. No guarantees....

Sound of Silence

There is a better place than this silence

The Time Lock

photos by amsang

simple Ula

I want to be rich. Rich in love, rich in health, rich in laughter, rich in adventure and rich in knowledge. You?

%d bloggers like this: