Day 1527 Please Daddy hold my hand

30 04 2017

 

I hope all of you are well. I’m going to get right into it today

I can remember 4 times in my life my dad held my hand. I was about 5 years old at the fort worth zoo and it was really crowded. I’m not sure why remember that but I do remember the feeling of how good it felt.

2nd time was my junior year of high school and I had just had a major operation on my leg. My dad wheeled me out on the football field and each teammate came by and high-fived me and when they were done I was crying. He grabbed my hand and said you’ll be their next year.
3rd time was my college graduation. My dad was very sick at this time and always in pain. Since W. Is in my last name I was at the end. He sat through the entire graduation. When I got to get over to my parents I stuck my hand out to shake his. He shook it but then it went from that to locking hands. He was crying and said thank you for always fulfilling my dreams of what my son could be.
Finally February 11 2005, my dad went into a coma at home. I got to my parents  at 11:00 pm. After hours of talking to him, they said he could hear me, I got up went outside and talked to God and said please take him. If you didn’t know I had a father wound, and was embarrassed and at times hated my dad. I was so ready for him to die. Around 7:00 am I went to his bed and laid down next to him. I took his hand and locked it with mine. I know he wanted that. At 720 am he took his last breath and I felt life leave him through my hand and his.
Why do i tell you this? I always wanted my dad to hold my hand and bring me along. That’s not what men did back then even though it was the most memorable and heartfelt things we did. I just never told him.
When I got my 2nd chance at life in 2011 I said I will hold my kids hands always especially my son. I guess I always have it’s because 2nd nature for me so I don’t realize I’m doing it.
Yesterday we were at a memorial service  and I’m very lovey with my kids. Rubbing their head, holding hands etc…as we sat at the service doing those things I was realizing how much my son loved to hold my hand.
We were leaving the memorial and a very old gentleman came up to me and said that boy if yours sure loves you. I said yes sir he does. He said you have no idea how I know do you? No sir I don’t. I saw you rubbing his head, but what caught my eye is every time you stood up to sing you locked hands and you held it the whole time. Remember this son, your teaching him love and continue so you won’t regret what you didn’t do. Yes sir and I hugged him.
So hold my hand daddy I need you. I wont forget that old man yesterday or the love my sin has for me. When I think I’m failing them im doing more than I realized.




Day 780 Sing loud and out of key

16 03 2015

My babies are in Disney this week with their mom. Its my week to have them so needless to say I miss them but they’re  having a blast.  Getting pictures of them  is bitter-sweet because I would love to be making the memories with them but this is where in divorce you put down your crap and remember who it’s for.

When I started writing this blog 2.6 years ago I shared some intimate stuff but you the reader still only got 15% of the experience. I meet people all the time either past friends or new people who say hey I read you blog and I know you must have a hard time dealing with this or your really good at that. I always laugh either way because you don’t know me. I have so much more to me that I don’t put on here because I either I can’t, I don’t understand or really its none of your business. We always think we know so much about people based on looks, what they post on Facebook, when we see them at church etc… Bottom-line until you are living life with them you have no clue. Your free to judge but when you step in a bear trap remember it hurts. Most of the time when you assume you wind up with a hand full of crap. That’s just a friendly reminder to worry about your life because I assume you have enough to handle!! 🙂

I have many diverse group sets of friends. High school,college, fraternity, my low down, Rugby college and mens league, men’s group, church, and Rock bottom, each group has got me through different aspects of my life or getting me through. Each has seen me but very few know  and I always liked it that way. Now that I’m getting in a different place in my life Im getting people who are like me. If you know me I really want you to like me and if you don’t I feel bad for about 5 minutes. I don’t purposely go about trying to piss you off or do things that you would think wow what a big jerk. Because I live my life the way I do I truly don’t care what you think of me or my decisions. No matter what I do you will judge and have an opinion. If I owe you an apology I’m the first to say I’m sorry and the last to hold a grudge. What I love about me is the people I roll with now. Doing a pub crawl Saturday one of the people in the group that I know fairly well said you just don’t give a crap do you. I said excuse me. He said you care but you don’t give a crap about the stuff. I said I try not to He said I bet you’re the type that sings out  loud and out of key. I said I always do but it think I sound great. He said that’s what I like about you. Your always honest and O appreciate that. For me Im trying to live that way but I’m also surrounding myself with the same people. Life is better that way. We are all Christians and they don’t judge me and I give them plenty of reasons. I’m that guy that says and still does those things that people shake their head about but they know my heart and what I’m trying to do. In turn when you roll with people who believe and trust in you, you do the same for them. When the walls are down the view is amazing. I truly believe if Jesus walked the earth today we would hang because he knows I’m a  mess but he knows that when he needs to laugh or that somebody has his back I’m the first one there. I’m not sure my group of friends would sell any records for how we sing loud and out of key but if you want to be entertained and follow some genuine people that is us. In your life you need people who make you better and won’t tell you what you need to hear but what you have to hear. Find your band that sings loud and out of key and let nothing come between you.

 





Day 110 Deaths Door

22 04 2013

A really good day for a Monday.  I got a text last night from a friend from Jr. high that I caught back up with two years ago thru Facebook. He told me Rex died. Rex was one of those men that just scared the shit out of you. He was 6’6 probably 250 tatted up, long black hair in a pony tail and a deep booming voice. He had tattoos covering up scars from what we would call bad boy time in his life. He was married to one of the nicest, smallest women I have ever been around. She (Ms. R) was a round 4’11 probably 90lbs but could put him in his place. In high school he loved watching his Jackets play sports. He knew my dad and worked with him for probably 5 years and knew my dad had become disabled and kind of took me under his wing. He knew a lot of the things I was doing and didn’t want me to go down that path.

He has a son that died at 2 years old which had him spiral out of control. He took every wrong path you could, but he found a great women that no matter her stature she was able to breakdown the walls he created. He moved to Cleburne to work at the nuclear power plant my dad worked at. Some of the things he did in his past didn’t allow to have any more children and the women he married couldn’t have kids either so it worked well. My dad invited to watch my sporting events because I think my dad felt sorry for him but he really tried to be a father/friend to me. Sorry I’m rambling here but trying to make a point I promise.  He always praised my dad as I cursed or ignored his statement. I remember he always said that we will all make mistakes but we can come back. I used to think I could beat up anybody and one day I was talking smack and he said you think you could whip me and I said I know it.  About 10 seconds later and I got one punch in I thought I was about to die and  get my arm broken. I learned a lesson that day that there’s always someone who is badder than me.

The other lesson he taught me was about no matter what you do you leave a legacy. He had a horrible life until about the last 20 years and did things that even if I told you would tell me I was lying. I bonded with him because of our paths were very similar. His legacy was a bad one until he made “the change”. He told me once that when you’re laying in your casket you wont care about what they are saying about you but those whose lives you touched good or bad will. Your funeral isn’t about you it’s about those left behind. He said remember and make sure your legacy is something your proud of and what do you do to touch the world before deaths doors touch you.

I was reading FB before I started writing and this popped up so I knew I should write.

I’m trying so hard to change my legacy. I feel so far sometimes and I m so embarrassed but I working on “the change” which is forgiving me. I want my children and my next spouse to be sad when I’m gone but to know I touched the world in a positive way and made a difference. When the church is full of people who loved me and remember me it’s not about my stuff but who I was to them and who when they needed me I always extended the helping hand.

Last time I talked to Rex was last August when I got divorced. He told me he was proud where I was now and knew the divorce would come but I was changing my legacy. He said that I would change the world if I would forgive myself and I actually forgot that until last night. So as I pondered that all day today (Ms. R) called me to tell me that Rex died of a heart attack but with what he did to his body its amazing that he lived this long. She said he wanted to be cremated and they were going to spread his ashes up on the 101 in California and there was no need to come, but if I got to San Diego to let her know. She said 1100 people came to the visitation at the funeral home I guess he touched lives and left a legacy. I know he did on mine and as I think back about him today where he came from and where he left us that when death knocked on his door he had forgiven himself and is helping me to learn to forgive myself.

Sorry if this was rambling but this was a big part of my life that I needed to blog about. May not made sense but it made me feel better.








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