Day 1544 Superman needs to wash his cape

17 05 2017

Hi Blog world well its Texas so you know its hot and humid. You walk outside after a shower you smell like a wet puppy and your pores look like clear plastic bowls. At least you can get a good tan and the smell of cooked bacon is rampant.

A sincere thank you for those who read my thoughts. To be honest it feels good when someone tell your thoughts, or being authentic and real helped me. Men don’t do what you do so you provide hope! When I die I hope the line is out the door and every person would say, he loved me, he was weird, honest, real and he provided me hope on my worst days. If that happens I left behind an amazing legacy. If I haven’t  yet I hope to do that soon.

Super man had a cape a pretty cool cape actually. Superman was 6th Halloween costume and when it was over I still wore the cape Sometimes I was clothed and sometimes I wasn’t but that’s another blog. The point is once I put that cape on I could do anything, I could fly, rescue my dog, bury my hot wheels deep in the dirt and find them, almost catch a squirrel, for 5 yards I was faster than a car. Point is with it on I could do anything it was my badge of honor. It had to be washed sometimes because it went everywhere with me and it went from  red to a dark brown. When I took it off I was just Normal Jason Tyler Wood. Nothing to save, no super hero, no one to cheer me on. So I needed the cape I thought.

10 years old my dad came to me and said son you’re the man of the family. I put on a permanent cape but I didn’t know it at the time. I put on a cape because my dad donated his to me. It was my badge, it was me rescuing everyone, me saving everything that need to be saved, me putting the world on my shoulders. A 10-year-old boy  trying to figure out a world but I didn’t even know how to shave. I wore it well though, my parents were proud of me told me I was doing a good job. I couldn’t let them down, I couldn’t take my cape off and wash it. I mean my family and world needed me. I couldn’t let myself down. This imaginary cape I was wearing my identity. I should be a 10 year old boy doing 10 year old boy stuff. I was busy trying to be responsible all the time, fixing adult problems and figuring out a way to get my family out of the hell it was in. At the same time developing an anger problem because I didn’t have the answers, fighting my way out of problems, loving people so they would love but knowing how to. I prayed people would like me and see what I was doing was awesome. They would shout my name to my greatness. I was creating the Tyler idol.

I could go through every year and tell you how I wore the cape without washing it,  how it was tattered, had holes in but I was going to retire it or even take it off. August 27th 2011 the cape fell without my wanting it to and I tried to take my life.  The cape and I ran out of answers. I looked at and wanted to put it back on but didn’t know how to tie it around my neck anymore. Who was I , I had no identity, my cape was destroyed but I didn’t know what to do without it.

The closer I’ve got to God I realize he’s my cape. I thought for the longest time he was my Kryptonite but I was so wrong. The problem is sometimes the 6-year-old boy comes out in me and I put on a cape. I try to rescue everything again, I want to save everything. I put everyone’s burden on me and then I trip over the cape.

I hope you get the story: I know to many people who wear capes everyday. Its tiring, it hurts and it makes life miserable. We weren’t meant to wear a cape, that’s for comic book hero’s.  Untie your cape, wash it, and put it in a nice box and store it. You don’t have to be Superman there’s  one superman and he will carry our cape.

No matter how strong you are it’s better to read about superman that carrying the burden of trying to be. This Halloween go as  adult superman and put on that cape enjoy it but then take it off and realize those days of pretending are over. Its time to live again.

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Day 1103 Depression medication? OMG Help me

8 02 2016

Thought I might get a blog in before the Superbowl starts. I wish I truly gave a crap about who won but I don’t. I’m ready for the commercials though. We had another Rock Bottom Outreach Sleeping bag handout yesterday. I love those events because yes we are helping others but I believe we get more out of it. I took my babies with me so one that get to see real life but also its good for them to do others. I got this amazing pic taken with them too makes my heart happy.

my family

If you have read my blog you know I have struggled with depression and it comes from about 3 generations back on both sides. I had been off of medication for about 2 years and then in October life started creeping in on me. I really struggled because I was so mad that I couldn’t control my feelings. I had anger, sadness, despair. I also had days where I was so happy and excited but the bad days out weighed the correct thoughts. I know depression is a chemical imbalance not that you’re weak or have problems being strong. Its something you can’t handle. With at one point going to commit suicide I decided I better get back on medication. I got on Lexipro and in about 4 days I felt so much better and after two weeks I didn’t feel much of anything. There were no lows but also no highs. I could have been on fire and all I would have thought is I should put that out (said in Ben Stein’s voice). I didn’t get angry, passionate sad, depressed, lovey, or anything. I was okay with it because nothing was bad but I like to have feelings. I like to experience life and I was walking in it but I was numb. I just shrugged my shoulders and went on and that’s not me.  Then came December 29th and my mom died. I was super sad but I was calm to calm for me. I thought maybe it was because my walk with God or just I had grown up.  3 weeks into this I had only cried 4 times. I thought about her all the time but I was just here in a black hole of nothing. I didn’t want to be just here I wanted to feel and feel deep. I knew though that if I got off it I would be in big trouble. I couldn’t have this hit me all at once. So Last Monday I called my Dr and asked if I could half my dosage. She said yes and knows me well so I did it. I started really feeling different yesterday. Feelings that I haven’t felt in 3 months came on. I thought, grieved, laughed and cried yesterday. Today I actually felt and heard the message at church. I felt overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions. I felt love for my kids I hadn’t had in a while. I cried myself to sleep last night. I had thoughts about my mom that I hadn’t in years. On the 11th of this month my dad will be gone for 11 years and I thought about what my parents were doing in heaven. Mostly I thought about where my life was and was I good enough.

It may not sound like it but I need to feel, I need to live, I need to experience this journey that I didn’t expect to happen. I believe many people and I know a few that feel the same way I do. They hate not feeling and they got off  the depression medicine. I can’t tell you what to do but know if you need medicine get on it and stay on it, but work your rear off while your on it to better yourself and let it be something that is not a mainstay. Don’t live on it because this world is meant to be lived not numbed. I’m not sure what the next few weeks bring but I’m thankful to feel whatever the heck normal is again.





Day 1103 Depression medication? OMG Help me

7 02 2016

Thought I might get a blog in before the Superbowl starts. I wish I truly gave a crap about who won but I don’t. I’m ready for the commercials though. We had another Rock Bottom Outreach Sleeping bag handout yesterday. I love those events because yes we are helping others but I believe we get more out of it. I took my babies with me so one that get to see real life but also its good for them to do others. I got this amazing pic taken with them too makes my heart happy.

my family

If you have read my blog you know I have struggled with depression and it comes from about 3 generations back on both sides. I had been off of medication for about 2 years and then in October life started creeping in on me. I really struggled because I was so mad that I couldn’t control my feelings. I had anger, sadness, despair. I also had days where I was so happy and excited but the bad days out weighed the correct thoughts. I know depression is a chemical imbalance not that you’re weak or have problems being strong. Its something you can’t handle. With at one point going to commit suicide I decided I better get back on medication. I got on Lexipro and in about 4 days I felt so much better and after two weeks I didn’t feel much of anything. There were no lows but also no highs. I could have been on fire and all I would have thought is I should put that out (said in Ben Stein’s voice). I didn’t get angry, passionate sad, depressed, lovey, or anything. I was okay with it because nothing was bad but I like to have feelings. I like to experience life and I was walking in it but I was numb. I just shrugged my shoulders and went on and that’s not me.  Then came December 29th and my mom died. I was super sad but I was calm to calm for me. I thought maybe it was because my walk with God or just I had grown up.  3 weeks into this I had only cried 4 times. I thought about her all the time but I was just here in a black hole of nothing. I didn’t want to be just here I wanted to feel and feel deep. I knew though that if I got off it I would be in big trouble. I couldn’t have this hit me all at once. So Last Monday I called my Dr and asked if I could half my dosage. She said yes and knows me well so I did it. I started really feeling different yesterday. Feelings that I haven’t felt in 3 months came on. I thought, grieved, laughed and cried yesterday. Today I actually felt and heard the message at church. I felt overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions. I felt love for my kids I hadn’t had in a while. I cried myself to sleep last night. I had thoughts about my mom that I hadn’t in years. On the 11th of this month my dad will be gone for 11 years and I thought about what my parents were doing in heaven. Mostly I thought about where my life was and was I good enough.

It may not sound like it but I need to feel, I need to live, I need to experience this journey that I didn’t expect to happen. I believe many people and I know a few that feel the same way I do. They hate not feeling and they got off  the depression medicine. I can’t tell you what to do but know if you need medicine get on it and stay on it, but work your rear off while your on it to better yourself and let it be something that is not a mainstay. Don’t live on it because this world is meant to be lived not numbed. I’m not sure what the next few weeks bring but I’m thankful to feel whatever the heck normal is again.





Day 391 Black Implies White

5 02 2014

I do so well the weeks I have my kids I don’t feel lonely and I feel I have a purpose. The weeks I don’t I feel so rudderless and that I’m searching for something I won’t find! My kids are dominant, full of personality and life I just enjoy them so much! They push me to be better and I know I have to continue to be better for them.

 

I enjoy finding things that motivate me and others. I search I read and I try my best to understand all the things on the web.  Evan Sanders The BETTER MAN Project)  one of the blogs I follow posted this the other day and I swear i Have read and watched the video 10 times today. Its deep but its offers a great insight that we don’t normally hear or see! For me the one thing I got the most of it was OUR DREAMS ARE NOT  OPTIONS! Please watch its only 3:39 minutes

We all should dream big. By Allan Watts

 

Without going after our dream, we cannot possibly live our best life. It is there for a reason. It’s necessary that we follow it…not just an option.

“If you awaken from this illusion, and you understand that black implies white, self implies other, life implies death — or shall I say, death implies life — you can feel yourself. Not as a stranger in the world, not as something here on probation, not as something that has arrived here by fluke, but you can begin to feel your own existence as absolutely fundamental.

“I’m not trying to sell you on this idea in the sense of converting you to it; I want you to play with it. I want you to think of its possibilities. I’m not trying to prove it, I’m just putting it forward as a possibility of life to think about.

“So then, let’s suppose that you were able every night to dream any dream that you wanted to dream, and that you could, for example, have the power within one night to dream 75 years of time, or any length of time you wanted to have. And you would, naturally as you began on this adventure of dreams, you would fulfill all your wishes. You would have every kind of pleasure you could conceive.

“And after several nights, of 75 years of total pleasure each, you would say ‘Well, that was pretty great. But now let’s have a surprise. Let’s have a dream which isn’t under control. Where something is going happen to me that I don’t know what it’s going to be.’ And you would dig that and come out of that and say ‘Wow, that was a close shave, wasn’t it?’ And then you would get more and more adventurous, and you would make further and further out gambles as to what you would dream.

“And finally, you would dream where you are now. You would dream the dream of living the life that you are actually living today. That would be within the infinite multiplicity of the choices you would have. Of playing that you weren’t God. Because the whole nature of the godhead, according to this idea, is to play that he’s not.

“So in this idea, then, everybody is fundamentally the ultimate reality. Not God in a politically kingly sense, but God in the sense of being the self, the deep-down basic whatever there is.  And you’re all that, only you’re pretending you’re not.”





Day 314 My losses really don’t mean crap

20 11 2013

A great weekend because it was a Rugby weekend! We played our first game that counted and won 49-9. I got to play 35 minutes and I played well and feel “okay” I love the sport and looking forward to this year I think we are really good!

IF your single and reading this I know the holiday season is tough and lonely but please surround yourself with people who you love and love you! Don’t sit around and be by yourself. Enjoy the season its our holiday too! I read a lot of other blogs about being single during the holidays which I will share. Just keep working to a happy holiday.

Have your ever not been able to shake your losses.I was told today that you have done a great job getting to the point of where you have overcome but you have to change your focus because really your losses don’t matter anymore. They shaped who you are but that crap is over now! If you want true positive change you have to do what the great Socrates said!

Socrates

To be honest I suck at it! I have overcome a lot but I have stopped building the new. I have no idea why maybe fear, anxiety, worth, acceptance not sure but it has to start now or I will look up and 10 years from now being doing the exact same thing!

 

So today I hear this from a friend of mine and then I read this from Evan Sanders: The Bettermanprojects! He said exactly what I needed to. I have heard it twice so now I need to get off my arse!

Responsibility

What truly changed my entire life was realizing that I was indeed responsible for my own life. Of course there will be things in life that are completely out of your control. You have no ability to see them coming and when they happen they completely pull the rug out from under you. Were things truly turned around for me was when I realized that I had the power to act…not react. Action: the difference between movement and progress. I can tell you, there were moments that I thought I really wasn’t going to make it out. I would say to myself, “I don’t foresee any possible solution to this. How is this going to turn around.” Well it did…but that only came with the realization that taking responsibility for my own life was the only answer. The only way I could get myself into a better position was to create it. The only way to get to where I wanted to go was to build a foundation based off of my pride and determination. It’s in that moment when you bet on yourself when the script is flipped. Tighten your belt and string up your boots.

I’m going to give you an analogy.

And here comes another baseball analogy. When you are reacting to life…you are standing at the plate, bat on your shoulder, watching the balls and strikes come in…and waiting to be walked or struck out. You don’t swing…you just let the pitcher determine whether or not you are going to be successful that game. You are just watching and your reaction will be whatever the pitcher decides its going to be. However, when you are in action, you are sitting on your pitch and adjusting your strategy as the at bat moves along. You are waiting for your moment, hands ready, and when that pitch comes you try to make the best contact you can.

Life works in a very similar way. If you wait for your pitch, and you are prepared to hit it, you increase your chances of doing something great. But if you sit around and wait for things to happen, that is exactly what you are going to get: a lot of sitting around. I believe that whatever may be above us is watching to see what we do with what we have been given…what we can create…what we can make with our minds and our hands. Because those are the two greatest tools that we will ever have. We have the infinite capacity to either love or hate. We have the ability to send out incredible amounts of positive energy into this world…or choose to darken it…to dim the lights…to spread pain.

Life becomes a series of actions then…and with every action there is a result. When you choose to text someone and tell them that you miss them and that you care about them…you are doing out of love. When you choose to help someone in need, or pick someone up when they are down, you are making a choice…a positive choice. And that love and those choices have a ripple effect on the rest of the world. If we can all make those positive choices, starting with taking responsibility for our own lives and the things we decide to do – that is when this ship is going to truly set sail for a better place.

I choose, and I hope you will join me, to spread love every single day. I chose this path because that is what was done for me and brought me out of the worst. If you make that choice…you will become infectious – and for the best reason in the world: love.

– Evan Sanders

 





Day 314 My losses really don’t mean crap

19 11 2013

A great weekend because it was a Rugby weekend! We played our first game that counted and won 49-9. I got to play 35 minutes and I played well and feel “okay” I love the sport and looking forward to this year I think we are really good!

IF your single and reading this I know the holiday season is tough and lonely but please surround yourself with people who you love and love you! Don’t sit around and be by yourself. Enjoy the season its our holiday too! I read a lot of other blogs about being single during the holidays which I will share. Just keep working to a happy holiday.

Have your ever not been able to shake your losses.I was told today that you have done a great job getting to the point of where you have overcome but you have to change your focus because really your losses don’t matter anymore. They shaped who you are but that crap is over now! If you want true positive change you have to do what the great Socrates said!

Socrates

To be honest I suck at it! I have overcome a lot but I have stopped building the new. I have no idea why maybe fear, anxiety, worth, acceptance not sure but it has to start now or I will look up and 10 years from now being doing the exact same thing!

 

So today I hear this from a friend of mine and then I read this from Evan Sanders: The Bettermanprojects! He said exactly what I needed to. I have heard it twice so now I need to get off my arse!

Responsibility

What truly changed my entire life was realizing that I was indeed responsible for my own life. Of course there will be things in life that are completely out of your control. You have no ability to see them coming and when they happen they completely pull the rug out from under you. Were things truly turned around for me was when I realized that I had the power to act…not react. Action: the difference between movement and progress. I can tell you, there were moments that I thought I really wasn’t going to make it out. I would say to myself, “I don’t foresee any possible solution to this. How is this going to turn around.” Well it did…but that only came with the realization that taking responsibility for my own life was the only answer. The only way I could get myself into a better position was to create it. The only way to get to where I wanted to go was to build a foundation based off of my pride and determination. It’s in that moment when you bet on yourself when the script is flipped. Tighten your belt and string up your boots.

I’m going to give you an analogy.

And here comes another baseball analogy. When you are reacting to life…you are standing at the plate, bat on your shoulder, watching the balls and strikes come in…and waiting to be walked or struck out. You don’t swing…you just let the pitcher determine whether or not you are going to be successful that game. You are just watching and your reaction will be whatever the pitcher decides its going to be. However, when you are in action, you are sitting on your pitch and adjusting your strategy as the at bat moves along. You are waiting for your moment, hands ready, and when that pitch comes you try to make the best contact you can.

Life works in a very similar way. If you wait for your pitch, and you are prepared to hit it, you increase your chances of doing something great. But if you sit around and wait for things to happen, that is exactly what you are going to get: a lot of sitting around. I believe that whatever may be above us is watching to see what we do with what we have been given…what we can create…what we can make with our minds and our hands. Because those are the two greatest tools that we will ever have. We have the infinite capacity to either love or hate. We have the ability to send out incredible amounts of positive energy into this world…or choose to darken it…to dim the lights…to spread pain.

Life becomes a series of actions then…and with every action there is a result. When you choose to text someone and tell them that you miss them and that you care about them…you are doing out of love. When you choose to help someone in need, or pick someone up when they are down, you are making a choice…a positive choice. And that love and those choices have a ripple effect on the rest of the world. If we can all make those positive choices, starting with taking responsibility for our own lives and the things we decide to do – that is when this ship is going to truly set sail for a better place.

I choose, and I hope you will join me, to spread love every single day. I chose this path because that is what was done for me and brought me out of the worst. If you make that choice…you will become infectious – and for the best reason in the world: love.

– Evan Sanders

 








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