Day 1523 Who are you when the door closes

26 04 2017

It was 76 degrees at 9:00 am this morning. At 12:00 it was 61 and now its 52 with a low of 45. Friday it will 90. I can’t change my underwear as fast at the weather changes in the beautiful state of Texas.  If you’ve never been to Texas make sure to get some BBQ and Mexican food it may give you gas but its worth it I promise!

I hate surprises when it comes to people. I would rather you be yourself from jump than pretend to be someone you’re not. I would never ask you to be like me and just put yourself out there from the get go. If you know me I’ll say just about anything, I volunteer information you probably didn’t want to know, I’ll let you know my faults, Ill tell a joke that might cause you to gasp, if the moment calls to cry with you I can and will, if you need me to defend you, I might lose my crap and get angry. I’ve been told and asked do you try to scare people away  before they get to know you? No I just want you to get to know me sooner than later. If you don’t like me you can move on and not waste time or say this is someone I want in my life forever. I want real! In any friendship or relationship there’s always a probationary period 1 month to 9 months. You kind of get a pass but we are who we are. What do you think is going to happen when people see the real you? I mean really think  about it if you become the bride or groom of chucky after 6 months do you think your relationship is going to flourish.

I have friends right now that long relationships are ending for the following, they were a drinker and hid it, one guy had kids that he never said anything about, another a porn addiction, one she sniffs markers when her kids go got school and passes out but gets up in enough time to still be mom and get the house ready. Another had an anger problem and she never knew he had until the first time she questioned him.  When you go home and close the door who knows that person.

Do you allow people to see the real you or do you put on a show? Do you exhaust yourself so much trying to prove you’re a great Christian, or mom, dad, friend but when you get home all hell breaks loose. The door closes behind you and your Halloween costume comes on. Being real is rare. I don’t have many friends, lots of people who claim to be friend but I have heard you are like nobody I’ve ever met. I always say thank you I wear that proudly. I tried to be a famous actor, and put my Halloween costume  on for people. It drove me to the point to try to take my life. I hope never again. I want you to like me but if you don’t its okay too. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea but I might be the best cup of tea you’ve had.

PS: Your closet door is open:)

 

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Day 1098 It looks like hell

2 02 2016

Some of my best blogs have never been published. I write it I copy and paste it and let it be hidden. It’s the stuff that very few people will ever know.  Why because I ve learned that the world doesn’t like the truth. before I wrote this tonight I had a really good one about what I see when I close my eyes. It was wonderfully deep and raw but from it spawned this.

I would never try to change your beliefs. I would love to discuss but I have my own and so here it goes!  I believe in Heaven the way its been described by religion but Also my own beliefs. I know I will be reunited with every person that has died, taken their own life and misunderstood. I also believe that if you look for it there is heaven on earth. It seems as my time gets longer on earth I see more hell on earth. Let me explain!

I’ll use my life and the people in it. I wont use what society or the news says. I have had 5 people in my life that have committed suicide and all 5 were people who you would say you were shocked that it happened. One of them blew his head off and I went into the room. If you’ve never seen it all you say is why in world would this ever happen. I myself couldn’t deal with what the world was throwing at me and  went to take my own life. I watched my father rot literally in front of my eyes. HE couldn’t wipe himself, feed himself,  and didn’t know who we were. I knew a little boy who was molested for 4 years and it took 2 more years to find out. I see him now and he’s so odd and different. Can you imagine what in world he saw and what happened to him. We all know what cancer has done to someone. Car accidents that Mame or turn someone into something that doesn’t look human.

All say all of that to say this: So there is a place worse than what we see and feel on earth? I say no way! It’s why  when someone asked why I changed or why I should I always say I don’t want to be left behind here. I believe the earth is hell. It’s why when I leave this body the earth can have my body but God gets me.  What if I’m wrong. Well I go with everyone else and can irritate them “there”. In the mean time I will help has many people not feel or see the pain. I will try to find the best and the heaven that the earth does show us. Accept the truth and let’s get where we belong





Day 1098 It looks like hell

1 02 2016

Some of my best blogs have never been published. I write it I copy and paste it and let it be hidden. It’s the stuff that very few people will ever know.  Why because I ve learned that the world doesn’t like the truth. before I wrote this tonight I had a really good one about what I see when I close my eyes. It was wonderfully deep and raw but from it spawned this.

I would never try to change your beliefs. I would love to discuss but I have my own and so here it goes!  I believe in Heaven the way its been described by religion but Also my own beliefs. I know I will be reunited with every person that has died, taken their own life and misunderstood. I also believe that if you look for it there is heaven on earth. It seems as my time gets longer on earth I see more hell on earth. Let me explain!

I’ll use my life and the people in it. I wont use what society or the news says. I have had 5 people in my life that have committed suicide and all 5 were people who you would say you were shocked that it happened. One of them blew his head off and I went into the room. If you’ve never seen it all you say is why in world would this ever happen. I myself couldn’t deal with what the world was throwing at me and  went to take my own life. I watched my father rot literally in front of my eyes. HE couldn’t wipe himself, feed himself,  and didn’t know who we were. I knew a little boy who was molested for 4 years and it took 2 more years to find out. I see him now and he’s so odd and different. Can you imagine what in world he saw and what happened to him. We all know what cancer has done to someone. Car accidents that Mame or turn someone into something that doesn’t look human.

All say all of that to say this: So there is a place worse than what we see and feel on earth? I say no way! It’s why  when someone asked why I changed or why I should I always say I don’t want to be left behind here. I believe the earth is hell. It’s why when I leave this body the earth can have my body but God gets me.  What if I’m wrong. Well I go with everyone else and can irritate them “there”. In the mean time I will help has many people not feel or see the pain. I will try to find the best and the heaven that the earth does show us. Accept the truth and let’s get where we belong





Day 860 This is how I know God is real

5 06 2015

My babies  go home tomorrow but I got to spend the last week of school with them. I will have an 8th grader and a 1st grader next year. it’s passed so quick but I couldn’t be more thankful where we are in our life. Here’s to everyone having a great summer with sunburns and late nights.

February 29th 2008 (yes a leap year) the beginning of the end of a friendship. My partner in crime since 1997 who I had done everything with and that means everything. We had laughed , cried, done things to other humans that was just flat wrong but mostly what we had was trust. Back in 2003 we started a business together and we said nothing would come in the way of our friendship. Little did we know that we had put God on the back burner and we let pride, ego, fame, glory and the almighty dollar come between us and everything that mattered. We had built our families together, we shared deep dark secrets and created our own. We worked 90 hours a week, never had  priorities straight, we neglected those closest to us and we slowing then quickly  started hating everything about each other. When we had a chance to verbally hurt the other, we did, when we should have stood up for each other, we didn’t, and when both of us were unraveling we let the other unravel and took joy in it happening. So February 29th 2008 we parted ways and that part was to never speak to each other again. I’m not sure we knew at that time but that was the last time we spoke for almost 4 years. In that time frame I actually thought seriously of how I would run him over in a parking lot, beat him with a brick, or find someway to inflict the most pain I possibly could. After talking with him the thought was mutual. To think of someone who you would do anything for that you would do anything to hurt them shows just how to people can derail so far in life.

When life takes it all from you and you have no others way to go but up you start in the hell of getting better or the hell of staying the same. I had heard he had got serious about God and I was at the point of not giving a crap about God. There were times that I would think man Jim would get that joke or I wish I could just be myself around someone. One month before I officially found out my marriage was in trouble I saw a post on Facebook that Jim’s youngest son was deaf. I felt like that this was my window to reach out so I did. I just sent him a message and asked if their was anything we could. He asked if we could meet up in Dallas. So much of me wanted to say yes but I wanted to say no. In July 2011 we met at the Spring Creek barbecue in Dallas. When we met each other at the door we hugged like we had both just been brought back from the dead.. We looked at each other and said whats done is done. Lets move  forward. When my life hit the skids guess who was there it was Jim and his family. When I wanted to quit he wouldn’t allow it, when I wanted to give up it was I don’t think so. When I cried I cried to him. In turn I was able to help him heal and talk about things that he never had but was finally able to be himself. The relationship  was what I had always hoped it would be.  Things have only gotten better. there has never been a feeling of animosity or hate or disgust about our paths.

How do I know God is real: Today we made it official and proof that God allows people to change and forgive if you want it to be God’s will and not yours. I went to work for Jim today as his General Manager. We were humbled and because of that some truly amazing doors are open. I love my buddy Jim and without a shadow of a doubt I know that until my last breath I have what God wants is that Level 10 friend that I would die and he for me. From wanting to kill someone to dying to make sure he and his family are taken care of is what God is all about. If you follow God’s will not your own Just remember Jeremiah 29:11





Day 613 STOP CHEATING NOW

30 09 2014

After always trying to make people laugh I will try again. What kind of roads do ghosts hunt? Dead Ends. Thats funny I don’t care who you are. Are you aware that tomorrow is the greatest month on the calendar. You know why because my mom and I were born in October. I know you understand now.

Besides the death of significant other there is nothing more painful than cheating. I would argue that cheating is worse because there is never an end to the thoughts of why. The pain runs deep and you can never say anything that makes it better. You fall in love with who you think will be your everything, you will be together forever, and you never think that this person that stood with you and said they wanted to be with you forever can just leave you and not really have an other emotion or word than I’m sorry!

There is nothing you can say or do to fix it. Whats done is done. There is not any way you can explain it away. You can’t tell your kids when there older this is why I did it. Your reasons suck because it’s this simple. I don’t love you anymore and if we stay together I don’t trust myself to not do something stupid. Why do people think that if I never say anything I will get away with it. You will get caught and after you get caught the damage is so much worse than just standing up and being real at the beginning. If you have been cheated on you know the pain and if you were the cheater then you have no idea what you have done to the other person and kids if you have them. I have heard but I did itt because blah blah this and blah blah that. My questions to them was if they did and said that to you would you except that. Nobody has ever said yes that acceptable.

I want you to forgive the cheater and make it work, but I understand that many times that’s a fairy tail. The guilt, the I don’t give a shit, or just the pain of someones past, keeps them from making it better. This is a hot button for me because three people dumped on me yesterday. One who was cheated on, two that did the cheating. The two that did the cheating asked me in June and July to help them, give them advice. I did and I said if you get alone with this person you will fall. So yesterday both of them came to me and said I messed up bad. How do I fix it. One of them a lady asked me to come sit with her when she tells her husband. I almost laughed that she would drag me into it. I understand the other person is at fault for not fulfilling your needs and is flawed but THERE IS NEVER A REASON TO CHEAT.

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence is the dumbest thing ever said. If you would stop looking over there and water your own grass its pretty damn green on your side too. See what the cheater doesn’t understand while your cheating is the following: The other person that is “so great” is flawed, your only seeing their best side, you don’t know how loud they snore, their nasty habits, why their cheating with you, their anger, their past, family. All you get is the lies and the stories they want you to hear. the divorce rate for second marriage is 87% good lord wake up and realize that it’s just not worth it.  I know their there are many reason to divorce but to cheat never. You’re a coward and its all comes back and bites you in the ass later so your playing roulette and you will lose.

If you’re seeing that person at work,  gym, church (yes church), starbucks and you start having that person telling you what you want to hear and you’re doing the same to them. get up and cut it off now. If you are cheating STOP NOW! Go fess up and deal with the broken crashed life that is coming but do it because remember you used to love that person and release both of you from  your hell. Or fess up and get on your knees and beg for forgiveness and get yourself some help and pray to God that the person takes your sorry butt back. I have seen relationships heal. It can and will happen but only by Gods grace. Rant is over !!!!





Day 613 STOP CHEATING NOW

30 09 2014

After always trying to make people laugh I will try again. What kind of roads do ghosts hunt? Dead Ends. Thats funny I don’t care who you are. Are you aware that tomorrow is the greatest month on the calendar. You know why because my mom and I were born in October. I know you understand now.

Besides the death of significant other there is nothing more painful than cheating. I would argue that cheating is worse because there is never an end to the thoughts of why. The pain runs deep and you can never say anything that makes it better. You fall in love with who you think will be your everything, you will be together forever, and you never think that this person that stood with you and said they wanted to be with you forever can just leave you and not really have an other emotion or word than I’m sorry!

There is nothing you can say or do to fix it. Whats done is done. There is not any way you can explain it away. You can’t tell your kids when there older this is why I did it. Your reasons suck because it’s this simple. I don’t love you anymore and if we stay together I don’t trust myself to not do something stupid. Why do people think that if I never say anything I will get away with it. You will get caught and after you get caught the damage is so much worse than just standing up and being real at the beginning. If you have been cheated on you know the pain and if you were the cheater then you have no idea what you have done to the other person and kids if you have them. I have heard but I did itt because blah blah this and blah blah that. My questions to them was if they did and said that to you would you except that. Nobody has ever said yes that acceptable.

I want you to forgive the cheater and make it work, but I understand that many times that’s a fairy tail. The guilt, the I don’t give a shit, or just the pain of someones past, keeps them from making it better. This is a hot button for me because three people dumped on me yesterday. One who was cheated on, two that did the cheating. The two that did the cheating asked me in June and July to help them, give them advice. I did and I said if you get alone with this person you will fall. So yesterday both of them came to me and said I messed up bad. How do I fix it. One of them a lady asked me to come sit with her when she tells her husband. I almost laughed that she would drag me into it. I understand the other person is at fault for not fulfilling your needs and is flawed but THERE IS NEVER A REASON TO CHEAT.

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence is the dumbest thing ever said. If you would stop looking over there and water your own grass its pretty damn green on your side too. See what the cheater doesn’t understand while your cheating is the following: The other person that is “so great” is flawed, your only seeing their best side, you don’t know how loud they snore, their nasty habits, why their cheating with you, their anger, their past, family. All you get is the lies and the stories they want you to hear. the divorce rate for second marriage is 87% good lord wake up and realize that it’s just not worth it.  I know their there are many reason to divorce but to cheat never. You’re a coward and its all comes back and bites you in the ass later so your playing roulette and you will lose.

If you’re seeing that person at work,  gym, church (yes church), starbucks and you start having that person telling you what you want to hear and you’re doing the same to them. get up and cut it off now. If you are cheating STOP NOW! Go fess up and deal with the broken crashed life that is coming but do it because remember you used to love that person and release both of you from  your hell. Or fess up and get on your knees and beg for forgiveness and get yourself some help and pray to God that the person takes your sorry butt back. I have seen relationships heal. It can and will happen but only by Gods grace. Rant is over !!!!

 





Day 543 Why these Friday’s are so hard

25 07 2014

I wrote this in May 2013. No matter what these Friday’s always suck!

I m trying to find my purpose and slowly I think I am. I want to serve men and give them hope that they can change. We have all been told people don’t change well that’s the biggest line of crap we have ever been fed. If someone tells you that it’s the hardest thing you will ever do that may not be enough to tell someone. Last night our mens group got deep we finished talking about the Father Wound that all men/ women deal with but either don’t know that have it of if they admit it may sound weak. It got deep and we are all honest and let it all hang out I was relatively quite but then something hit me that I felt I need to say right when we were about to leave. I know a few of you who attack me will say how do you know you affected anyone? Three men cried, got 5 real hugs and Brian my counselor/friend who is also in our group said I have been in ministry 12 years and that was the powerful thing I have heard spoken to a group of men. I can’t recreate it but will give it my best shot.

We all have to face our mistakes either out loud in a blog, in our own silent hell, with a great friend or every Friday afternoon when I have dropped off my kids to go to their moms and I have the turn-key hell. Turn key hell= When I get to my apartment door and I pull my keys out and the feeling of my empty apartment I’m about to walk into without the laughing of my kids, the pushing of my kids, the no cartoons, the i don’t want to eat that, Can I have more, I m bored, I don’t want to brush my teeth and mostly the I love you daddy. It’s the worst feeling in the world and I haven’t got used to that yet. My dog greets me and she looks for the kids and I tell her no Chloe next Friday and she walks over to her bed because she to misses them. There is no women to say how was your day, the smell of a women, the we need to do this, can you go do this or a hug or kiss. So I put the key in the door and every time I hope for a different feeling but I have to stop when the door closes behind me take a deep breath and realize this is the hell you created. The great thing is I have the feeling because I will remember it. You can’t tell a women she is worthless, a bi%^h, c&(t, you don’t do this for me, or this how could you do this and not expect her to walk away. Yes I know she was guilty as well but I can only talk about me.  So men if you don’t deal with your crap, ego, your pride,  you fear and she leaves you. It was due you got what you deserved. Man up there are to many resources for you to have to say at 60 or 25 I’m sorry for what I didn’t do, because it can be done. Or keep doing what you’re doing, be separated from your kids, have the hollow empty feeling of loss that can only be stitched up, and go into the empty, quite, lonely hell that you created. It will happen you’re not one of the stats that gets away with it. I can promise that the Friday turn-key hell is worse than any hell she supposedly has put you through.

That was it in a nutshell. I don’t want anyone to feel that you can change and you can restore.

 

Day 124 Friday turn key hell.








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