Day 1331 Don’t call it a comeback

10 10 2016

Happy Monday and Columbus day  to the blog readers. Do u remember when it’s started to get cool and you had to put jeans on again? Well that stinks and as I get older I wish we could just keep our body temperature regulated.  I’m getting old, now get off my lawn.
LL Cool J had a song where he said don’t call it a comeback: he made a comeback sound negative.i see why because the world tries the make us think that only a few people fall down so having a comeback is a weak thing.
I wish everyone could have a comeback like everyone falls down, but honestly very few in compassion  Comeback.
Comebacks rarely look like what we think. We think there Hollywood created, the guy gets the girl, the women finds her dad, the kid get a scholarship, the flood stops right at the doorstep, or the cancer just poof goes away.
I know my comeback was nothing like I wanted or asked for, I wanted my family to stay in tact, I didn’t want to split  holidays, or miss 183 days a year of my kids life, I didn’t want to spend countless nights alone with my own thoughts watching the ceiling fan spin, I thought I would have started another business, or my bank account would be full,  that I would be 3 seconds from taking my life or I would get in front of a group of 10 or 500 people and tell them how I screwed up everything.
Comebacks happen to us but not for us: We all think lets see if I comeback this way then I’ll be famous, or I will be loved this way, or I’ll become rich. How about you comeback and the only reason is because everyone around you needs you to comeback. The power we have inside of us to change a life with just our simple words is truly astounding. The one moment or place that everything you went through that someone can reach out to you and say because you told your story I was able to get up one more day when I wanted to take my life, or i was about to leave my message, I was going to quit but because you didn’t I stayed.

Stop trying to make it make sense. I need to fix it or understand before I can do it. No you just start doing “it” whatever your it is do it because right in front of you is your story that someone needs to hear it. Yes your story, my story! Nobody truly wants to sit on an island alone. We want to know does anyone feel what I felt, I’m not the only one. We’re never the only one we just lie to ourselves and believe it.

As our pastor said yesterday we are all just Wound healers in progress. I love that because we will always be wounded but our job is to pick the wounded and walk with them and hope we start healing.

When I need a reminder of why Im here, or what am I doing ,I look down at my right wrist and get a reminder. I hope if your reading this or will be that I have changed your life or given you hope. If not, as long as Im here we still have time. It’s your time for a comeback!

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Day 1071 My mom’s Eulogy

4 01 2016

Thank you so much for the outpouring of support for my family. I had no idea what a whirlwind was until now.  On Saturday we buried my beautiful mother. The ceremony was amazing, beautiful and I believe it’s exactly what my mom would have wanted. One of my closet Brian Hackney officiated along with myself. My amazing daughter also got up and through her tears read her amazing thoughts. I was so proud of her and her courage when she was so scared. Then my sister found the courage to speak. I honestly thought she wouldn’t be able to but man she did such an amazing job and spoke so much of her heart. I then got my opportunity and I took a deep breath and choked back tears then started and that’s all I can remember. I wish I could tell you more or I was lying to you but I honestly can’t remember anything. I know God took  over because I was so worried about not being able to honor my mother and I’m always so hard on myself it’s probably better that way.

When I sat down and Brian closed you with an amazing message I told myself what happened. I had a few more tears then it was time to be strong again. I felt so disappointed in myself for not knowing how I did. Then people started telling many so many things about how great it was. I’ve received messages since Saturday and they were so touching. I’m not telling you this so I can look at me but to show you another example in the midst of so much pain and loss God is and was there. One of my  dear friends sent this to me today and I thought  I would share. It made my heart feel good and she would have been honest with me good or bad but maybe in my healing I needed to hear this:

First of all, I thought your choice of Brian to officiate was excellent.  He brought in a very real and relatable message that is sometimes missing at funerals.  I loved how he spoke, but didn’t preach.  I thought the message of grieving and being supportive of the family was just perfect.
Now to you…  I have never heard a better remembrance than the one you gave of your mom.  I am in awe of how you were able to speak in the first place, but even on top of that, your words and stories brought a mix of grief, humor, and love that created a powerful testimony to who she was and also to who you are.
Though I have thought it before and said it before, you have such a gift of speaking.  And to be able to represent that gift in your own Mom’s funeral testifies to your gift.  I have never seen you speak in person before; I was absolutely moved by the presence you project.  I can only imagine how that presence comes out when you are in a different setting.  I think perhaps when your mom saw you speak and give your testimony, she was moved by your natural gitftedness as much as your story.  God has plans for you Tyler… big plans.  There is something so special and inspiring in your voice, your manner, and your story.
Believe in yourself.  You are well worth believing in!
As I blog to heal and get my thoughts down so I can go back and read them so I can see where I was. I also hope that  they help you and  someone else. The emptiness is something I never felt, I feel like a ghost just floating alone, hoping I could call my mom or she’s going to call me but realizing that shes not. I love you all so much and pray that this new journey is one you will walk with me.




Day 757 Climb this mountain with me please

23 02 2015

Dallas Fort Worth is about to get old man winter and he’s going to be upset. 2 inches of ice by tomorrow morning and the temp not above 32 for two days. They have already closed school and all bread and milk has disappeared off the face of the earth.  Oh well maybe I can catch up on sleep and not fall and bust my butt like last year.

I joke about what God thinks about me sometimes. Like I know he’s shaking his head and slaps his forehead Tyler what in the name of me are you doing. Come to me Tyler stop trying to always do things by yourself. Since the beginning of February I had some deep internal struggles. I was told by two people what they were and neither knew me very well. Aug 27th 2011 God reached out and said it time to quit dodging the mountain of life, take my hand and lets climb it together. I knew it was never going to be easy but I never knew how hard it was going to be. I mean no clue. I will preface all of this by saying I’m proud of myself to be where I am at. I’m still, broken , learning and hurt but Im proud. Faith is going though the storm, being hurt. The false teaching that God is here to make us happy is the biggest load of crap. In our happiness we don’t come to him. We take the credit and only through the storms and valleys do we reach up and say dad take my hand I can’t do this anymore.  Its amazing and every time he has provided so much more than I would with my crappy planning. You can never build faith standing up on a hill you must walk up the mountain. So here I am again with my mountain climbing gear on. Its different this time though because I’m not supposed to walk this one with just he and I. This time I need to do it with somebody and God. I got this piece of information and I’m sure the person that reads it is smiling because I get it.

I’ve been divorced for 2.6 years and single even though married by paper for 3.6 years. I’ve really wanted to be in a relationship with someone. My problem has been the following: I struggle with living in the moment, I over analyze me and what I’m doing in life. Then that causes my insecurities. My mind struggles from there and then I try to convince “you” that Im okay because I don’t believe it. My marriage broke me at depths I never knew and I’m just now realizing the deep of hurt and pain it caused. I’m working on it I promise but I tried to work on only parts of my heart and just stitch the others up for now. What that does is causes scar tissue and can reopen the wound.  I had a come to Jesus meeting with Jesus about heart 3 weeks ago and this weekend I heard these same words I heard in my prayer. Tyler the only way your going to help heal your heart is give someone a chance to help heal it. Climb that mountain with someone. Shes going to hurt  your heart but it will be different. You can’t heal a heart of a relationship by yourself. Just quit trying to sell yourself and  be yourself. I promise there is  a woman out there that is dying to find a man like you and guess what she will take that crap you were dealt and you dealt and love you more for it.

I really thought the biggest mountains of my life were over. Great thing about life is there are flat spots but there are mountains. Im ready for someone to climb the mountain with God and I. Its a real beautiful view now but it’s another up hill battle that I have an open hand for and that’s never happened.

Be ready to climb your mountain. Stop dodging whatever mountain is in your life but also stop making hills mountains. When you can’t take another step reach up and take Gods hand. He’s been waiting there the whole time.





Day 757 Climb this mountain with me please

22 02 2015

Dallas Fort Worth is about to get old man winter and he’s going to be upset. 2 inches of ice by tomorrow morning and the temp not above 32 for two days. They have already closed school and all bread and milk has disappeared off the face of the earth.  Oh well maybe I can catch up on sleep and not fall and bust my butt like last year.

I joke about what God thinks about me sometimes. Like I know he’s shaking his head and slaps his forehead Tyler what in the name of me are you doing. Come to me Tyler stop trying to always do things by yourself. Since the beginning of February I had some deep internal struggles. I was told by two people what they were and neither knew me very well. Aug 27th 2011 God reached out and said it time to quit dodging the mountain of life, take my hand and lets climb it together. I knew it was never going to be easy but I never knew how hard it was going to be. I mean no clue. I will preface all of this by saying I’m proud of myself to be where I am at. I’m still, broken , learning and hurt but Im proud. Faith is going though the storm, being hurt. The false teaching that God is here to make us happy is the biggest load of crap. In our happiness we don’t come to him. We take the credit and only through the storms and valleys do we reach up and say dad take my hand I can’t do this anymore.  Its amazing and every time he has provided so much more than I would with my crappy planning. You can never build faith standing up on a hill you must walk up the mountain. So here I am again with my mountain climbing gear on. Its different this time though because I’m not supposed to walk this one with just he and I. This time I need to do it with somebody and God. I got this piece of information and I’m sure the person that reads it is smiling because I get it.

I’ve been divorced for 2.6 years and single even though married by paper for 3.6 years. I’ve really wanted to be in a relationship with someone. My problem has been the following: I struggle with living in the moment, I over analyze me and what I’m doing in life. Then that causes my insecurities. My mind struggles from there and then I try to convince “you” that Im okay because I don’t believe it. My marriage broke me at depths I never knew and I’m just now realizing the deep of hurt and pain it caused. I’m working on it I promise but I tried to work on only parts of my heart and just stitch the others up for now. What that does is causes scar tissue and can reopen the wound.  I had a come to Jesus meeting with Jesus about heart 3 weeks ago and this weekend I heard these same words I heard in my prayer. Tyler the only way your going to help heal your heart is give someone a chance to help heal it. Climb that mountain with someone. Shes going to hurt  your heart but it will be different. You can’t heal a heart of a relationship by yourself. Just quit trying to sell yourself and  be yourself. I promise there is  a woman out there that is dying to find a man like you and guess what she will take that crap you were dealt and you dealt and love you more for it.

I really thought the biggest mountains of my life were over. Great thing about life is there are flat spots but there are mountains. Im ready for someone to climb the mountain with God and I. Its a real beautiful view now but it’s another up hill battle that I have an open hand for and that’s never happened.

Be ready to climb your mountain. Stop dodging whatever mountain is in your life but also stop making hills mountains. When you can’t take another step reach up and take Gods hand. He’s been waiting there the whole time.

 





Day 613 STOP CHEATING NOW

30 09 2014

After always trying to make people laugh I will try again. What kind of roads do ghosts hunt? Dead Ends. Thats funny I don’t care who you are. Are you aware that tomorrow is the greatest month on the calendar. You know why because my mom and I were born in October. I know you understand now.

Besides the death of significant other there is nothing more painful than cheating. I would argue that cheating is worse because there is never an end to the thoughts of why. The pain runs deep and you can never say anything that makes it better. You fall in love with who you think will be your everything, you will be together forever, and you never think that this person that stood with you and said they wanted to be with you forever can just leave you and not really have an other emotion or word than I’m sorry!

There is nothing you can say or do to fix it. Whats done is done. There is not any way you can explain it away. You can’t tell your kids when there older this is why I did it. Your reasons suck because it’s this simple. I don’t love you anymore and if we stay together I don’t trust myself to not do something stupid. Why do people think that if I never say anything I will get away with it. You will get caught and after you get caught the damage is so much worse than just standing up and being real at the beginning. If you have been cheated on you know the pain and if you were the cheater then you have no idea what you have done to the other person and kids if you have them. I have heard but I did itt because blah blah this and blah blah that. My questions to them was if they did and said that to you would you except that. Nobody has ever said yes that acceptable.

I want you to forgive the cheater and make it work, but I understand that many times that’s a fairy tail. The guilt, the I don’t give a shit, or just the pain of someones past, keeps them from making it better. This is a hot button for me because three people dumped on me yesterday. One who was cheated on, two that did the cheating. The two that did the cheating asked me in June and July to help them, give them advice. I did and I said if you get alone with this person you will fall. So yesterday both of them came to me and said I messed up bad. How do I fix it. One of them a lady asked me to come sit with her when she tells her husband. I almost laughed that she would drag me into it. I understand the other person is at fault for not fulfilling your needs and is flawed but THERE IS NEVER A REASON TO CHEAT.

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence is the dumbest thing ever said. If you would stop looking over there and water your own grass its pretty damn green on your side too. See what the cheater doesn’t understand while your cheating is the following: The other person that is “so great” is flawed, your only seeing their best side, you don’t know how loud they snore, their nasty habits, why their cheating with you, their anger, their past, family. All you get is the lies and the stories they want you to hear. the divorce rate for second marriage is 87% good lord wake up and realize that it’s just not worth it.  I know their there are many reason to divorce but to cheat never. You’re a coward and its all comes back and bites you in the ass later so your playing roulette and you will lose.

If you’re seeing that person at work,  gym, church (yes church), starbucks and you start having that person telling you what you want to hear and you’re doing the same to them. get up and cut it off now. If you are cheating STOP NOW! Go fess up and deal with the broken crashed life that is coming but do it because remember you used to love that person and release both of you from  your hell. Or fess up and get on your knees and beg for forgiveness and get yourself some help and pray to God that the person takes your sorry butt back. I have seen relationships heal. It can and will happen but only by Gods grace. Rant is over !!!!





Day 613 STOP CHEATING NOW

30 09 2014

After always trying to make people laugh I will try again. What kind of roads do ghosts hunt? Dead Ends. Thats funny I don’t care who you are. Are you aware that tomorrow is the greatest month on the calendar. You know why because my mom and I were born in October. I know you understand now.

Besides the death of significant other there is nothing more painful than cheating. I would argue that cheating is worse because there is never an end to the thoughts of why. The pain runs deep and you can never say anything that makes it better. You fall in love with who you think will be your everything, you will be together forever, and you never think that this person that stood with you and said they wanted to be with you forever can just leave you and not really have an other emotion or word than I’m sorry!

There is nothing you can say or do to fix it. Whats done is done. There is not any way you can explain it away. You can’t tell your kids when there older this is why I did it. Your reasons suck because it’s this simple. I don’t love you anymore and if we stay together I don’t trust myself to not do something stupid. Why do people think that if I never say anything I will get away with it. You will get caught and after you get caught the damage is so much worse than just standing up and being real at the beginning. If you have been cheated on you know the pain and if you were the cheater then you have no idea what you have done to the other person and kids if you have them. I have heard but I did itt because blah blah this and blah blah that. My questions to them was if they did and said that to you would you except that. Nobody has ever said yes that acceptable.

I want you to forgive the cheater and make it work, but I understand that many times that’s a fairy tail. The guilt, the I don’t give a shit, or just the pain of someones past, keeps them from making it better. This is a hot button for me because three people dumped on me yesterday. One who was cheated on, two that did the cheating. The two that did the cheating asked me in June and July to help them, give them advice. I did and I said if you get alone with this person you will fall. So yesterday both of them came to me and said I messed up bad. How do I fix it. One of them a lady asked me to come sit with her when she tells her husband. I almost laughed that she would drag me into it. I understand the other person is at fault for not fulfilling your needs and is flawed but THERE IS NEVER A REASON TO CHEAT.

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence is the dumbest thing ever said. If you would stop looking over there and water your own grass its pretty damn green on your side too. See what the cheater doesn’t understand while your cheating is the following: The other person that is “so great” is flawed, your only seeing their best side, you don’t know how loud they snore, their nasty habits, why their cheating with you, their anger, their past, family. All you get is the lies and the stories they want you to hear. the divorce rate for second marriage is 87% good lord wake up and realize that it’s just not worth it.  I know their there are many reason to divorce but to cheat never. You’re a coward and its all comes back and bites you in the ass later so your playing roulette and you will lose.

If you’re seeing that person at work,  gym, church (yes church), starbucks and you start having that person telling you what you want to hear and you’re doing the same to them. get up and cut it off now. If you are cheating STOP NOW! Go fess up and deal with the broken crashed life that is coming but do it because remember you used to love that person and release both of you from  your hell. Or fess up and get on your knees and beg for forgiveness and get yourself some help and pray to God that the person takes your sorry butt back. I have seen relationships heal. It can and will happen but only by Gods grace. Rant is over !!!!

 





Day 112 Starting it over

11 12 2012

Today I did something I didn’t want to do but is best for all involved. I’m sorry because I know you read this but only time will fix what we need it to. I guess part of healing and changing involves making huge difficult decisions that change futures.

Just FYI TED the movie came out on DVD today. If you don’t like to laugh then don’t watch it but its great for us with a very immature humor.

This is my time to let go of….

fear based thinking, “shoulds,” focusing on lack, self-doubt, perfectionism, old stories that keep me in a box, discouragement from others, limiting beliefs, worrying, obsessing about the “how,” scarcity thinking, judgment, indecision, disempowering language, overwhelm, comparing myself to others, etc…. from Quotes in a can

Usually our own hands are full, filled with tasks, problems and possessions that seem impossible to put down. Our lives are crowded with decisions, plans and dreams. When these plans are not fulfilled, when events do not go as we would wish, or when change comes unexpectedly, we start to cling, hold on and resist. Our body feels an increasing anxiety.Sometimes we hardly know how to deal with change or understand why it is happening to us. Our lives are centered around the power of having more. We become very proud of what we have accumulated; money, degrees, skills, friends, information, property, lovers.Soon we are so full we can hardly move, and yet we still search for more. Before long, we even believe what we have is who we are.It is not so easy to stop piling up and simply clean out the drawers.With the  simple power of having, the process of attachment appears.We become afraid of losing that which we have. Everything seems precious, no matter what. Most of us feel we are our job, possessions, achievements, and relationships. This is how we know ourselves. If we lose one of them, we feel we have lost part of ourselves. But, whether or not we want to let go, life itself decides for us.Change comes in its own time, both giving and taking things away. When this happens, we suffer greatly from this sense of loss. We hold on and resist what is happening in our lives – through depression, denial, endless activity, immediately making new plans. By fighting change this way, we are insisting that life meet our particular demands, fulfill our needs and expectations. A battle is set up between pain and fear.

Yes… a battle, two battles. How many battles and struggles did I try to resist or cling to?Life flows, life changes.  A time to start over.








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