Day 1581 Really dad 12 years

3 07 2017

I’m not sure if I get older its getting hotter or Im a wuss.If you listen closely you can hear my bald sizzle. I like the sound of sizzling just not my head but its July in Texas so I’ll shut up and just smell like cooked bacon. I had a friend message me on Facebook Friday and say that the equator must be close because he literally caught himself catch on fire. Happy early 4th of July I hope you’re getting a chance to spend time with family and laugh. Please laugh it helps cure a lot of ailments.

Today would be my dads 79th birthday. He really would be an old man today He’s also been gone for 12 years. I remember the length of time more on his birthdays than his death day just because its easier to remember his birthday. If you  know my story you know my dad I weren’t on the same page. Many days I hated him, no matter what I loved him but he let me down everyday. So I type this for my healing. The memories never end so just to let go of what I think about here I go

He was disabled and let me become the man of the family. It was a badge I wore with pride but a badge that was too much for me to carry. It taught me that it was never okay to fail, that perfection is all that mattered, that its okay to put the world on my shoulders because I can handle it, never look weak, oh and never take care of yourself because to many people are counting on you. So I lived that way everyday. Problem is all the above things are garbage and when I did do them I had no man to count on so I held it in, or I fought it out or had sex with a girl that I didn’t care about so for 5 minutes I could feel normal. Truthfully all it did was make me bitter, guilty, broken, and full of hate. I could fake it good, manipulate a situation or bully my way to what I wanted remember, I was the man at 10.

So I carry this burden and lie of who I was with me for 36 years. I blamed him for everything. For 7 of those years he was dead and 6 feet under but it was still his fault I was failing, I mean I was the man it couldn’t be me. I remember walking pass his room to my room or coming home to see my parents. There he was sitting on the side of the bed with his head down. I was like you SOB get up help me (only in my mind) . You left me on this island alone and I’m sinking. F it. I’ll just do it myself and the rage continued….

Not to bore you while you’re  reading I’ll  move on. August 27th of 2011 all my failures, never knowing I was enough, feeling like I failed at everything I touched I attempted to kill myself. It was the first day in my life I heard God speak to me, God wasn’t ready for me to die. He knew that I hated him because I looked at God like I looked my dad you were just sitting there watching me drown so FU God I got this. He knew I needed the fatherly love that was missing so he trusted me with another chance.

December 7th of 2011 my life changed forever. I had been in counseling for 3 months and been preaching to about forgiveness. Not sure why this day but I drove an 1.5 to my hometown on a nasty day, Full of sleet, muddy ground a bone chilling wind. I got out of my truck and hit my knees and asked the man in the ground to forgive me and I loved him and would he please forgive me. I looked over my right shoulder to see who was pull on my shoulder.. nobody was there except 36 years of bullshit I carried now was gone.

Since that day I’ve come to love my dad, know he did the best with what he was taught, that he loved me with everything that he was capable of. That day taught me to love others, no matter what they do to me. It also taught me how to be a dad. To show up, to give my kids time, and never let one day go by without letting them know I love them and they are enough.

So today happy 79th birthday Ewing Jay Wood. From one proud son to have a father like you. I hope you’re playing music , making people laugh, dancing and loving the best mother that we could have been blessed with. Eat that rib-eye that you waited on every year I love you daddy.

 





Day 1142 The Sony Walkman

21 03 2016

After 9 days without my kids I got them back, They got to go to Disneyworld with their mom. I’ve never have missed them so much. They had so much fun with lots of stories but I’m glad their back.  Spent some time with Rock Bottom outreach to this weekend. We gave back tot he homeless. It’s always great to get a different perspective on life and see that sometimes things happen that put us in places that we never expected to be.

Yesterday my amazing nephew celebrated his 12th birthday at Main Event. He had 4-5 friends there and family. It was his first birthday without my mom around you could tell her presence was missing. It took me back to a place for no reason on my 15th birthday. My nephew was spoiled for  sure. With food, presents and love. He got gifts and just kept opening them.  I know he liked them but like most kids now there spoiled. they have no idea how great they have it but hopefully we can teach them to be appreciative. I didn’t have a choice. My dad had lost job and became disable. My parents were doing everything to hang on to the house and cars and truthfully money was non-existent. We struggled in so many ways but my mom made sure nobody knew but I knew. I got to the point that I didn’t ask or even think about things anymore because I didn’t want to take anything from my family. I remember before football started my freshman I wanted a sony walkman. For those that didn’t know back then that was a tape cassette player that used headphones.  It was a way to escape the world and nobody else had to hear what you were listening to. It was so advanced and cool. I wanted one to lose myself before football games and also get pumped up. My mom actually asked one day at the store if I wanted something like this when we walked by it. I said I would love it but please don’t worry about it. That was the last  time I thought about it,that was in the month of August. My birthday is in October and I truly didn’t ask for anything or expect anything. I just knew our struggles were horrible and I was okay with just getting a card and happy birthdays at school.

The night of my birthday I got home and there was a cake. Birthdays cake is my favorite desert in the world. It said a happy birthday to number 72 the best son any parents could ask for. It made me cry because I knew that a cake was not in the budget but as usual my mom pulled off the miracle. The card was so heartfelt with messages from my mom, dad, and my little sister even signed it.  I started cutting the cake and looked up and my mom slide a wrapped box across the table. She said open it. I said mom why did you do this. It’s okay son you deserve this. I opened it up and it was my sony walkman. I couldn’t do anything except cry. I knew our struggles, I knew that 40  bucks was like a 1000. I hugged them both so much and I remember my dad said you better let your mom know more than me.

It didn’t dawn on me until later what my mom did. She sold a piece of her jewelry to get my walkman, card and cake. I had a conversation with her in my late 20’s and asked how she did it. She kept avoiding the question. She finally said I sold my purple ring and I would have sold everything to get you and your sister whatever you wanted. I hugged her, kissed and went to my car and shed a few tears. Knowing the sacrifice she made was unbelievable.  AS I sat there watching my nephew I thought about that walkman and my mom. I miss her more than words can explain but her memory, and spirit will run through me forever. I still have that walkman in a box in a storage unit in my hometown. I bet all I need is a battery and my old rap tapes to show people how appreciative I was.  Thanks for a walk in my past.

Source: Day 1142 The Sony Walkman





Day 1142 The Sony Walkman

20 03 2016

After 9 days without my kids I go them back, They got to go to Disney with their mom. I never have missed them so much. They had so much fun with lots of stories but I’m glad their back.  Spent some time with Rock Bottom outreach to this weekend. We gave back tot he homeless. It’s always great to get a different perspective on life and see that sometimes things happen that put us in places that we never expected to be.

Yesterday my amazing nephew celebrated his 12th birthday at Main Event. He had 4-5 friends there and family. It was his first birthday without my mom around you could tell her presence was missing. It took me back to a place for no reason on my 15th birthday. My nephew was spoiled for  sure. With food, presents and love. He got gifts and just kept opening them.  I know he liked them but like most kids now there spoiled. they have no idea how great they have it but hopefully we can teach them to be appreciative. I didn’t have a choice. My dad had lost job and became disable. My parents were doing everything to hang on to the house and cars and truthfully money was non-existent. We struggled in so many ways but my mom made sure nobody knew but I knew. I got to the point that I didn’t ask or even think about things anymore because I didn’t want to take anything from my family. I remember before football started my freshman I wanted a sony walkman. For those that didn’t know back then that was a tape cassette player that used headphones.  It was a way to escape the world and nobody else had to hear what you were listening to. It was so advanced and cool. I wanted one to lose myself before football games and also get pumped up. My mom actually asked one day at the store if I wanted something like this when we walked by it. I said I would love it but please don’t worry about it. That was the last  time I thought about it this was in the month of August. My birthday is in October and I truly didn’t ask for anything or expect anything. I just knew our struggles were horrible and I was okay with just getting a card and happy birthdays at school.

The night of my birthday I got home and there was a cake. Birthdays cake is my favorite desert in the world. It said a happy birthday to number 72 the best son any parents could ask for. It made me cry because I knew that a cake was not in the budget but as usual my mom pulled off the miracle. The card was so heartfelt with messages from my mom, dad, and my little sister even signed it.  I started cutting the cake and looked up and my mom slide a wrapped box across the table. She said open it. I said mom why did you do this. It’s okay son you deserve this. I opened it up and it was my sony walkman. I couldn’t do anything except cry. I knew our struggles, I knew that 40  bucks was like a 1000. I hugged them both so much and I remember my dad said you better let your mom know more than me.

It didn’t dawn on me until later what my mom did. She sold a piece of her jewelry to get my walkman, card and cake. I had a conversation with her in my late 20’s and asked how she did it. She kept avoiding the question. She finally said I sold my purple ring and I would have sold everything to get you and your sister whatever you wanted. I hugged her, kissed and went to my car and shed a few tears. Knowing the sacrifice she made was unbelievable.  AS I sat there watching my nephew I thought about that walkman and my mom. I miss her more than words can explain but her memory, and spirit will run through me forever. I still have that walkman in a box in a storage unit in my hometown. I bet all I need is a battery and my old rap tapes to show people how appreciative I was.  Thanks for a walk in my past.





Day 831 My love letter to my daughter

6 05 2015

My beautiful angel becomes a teenager tomorrow 13 years old Wow. Nobody I know has ever said a bad thing about her and everyone goes out of their way to compliment her. This is my love letter to my beautiful daughter.

When we were pregnant with you and found out you were going to be a girl no matter how excited we were I was so afraid to have a little a girl. These questions rolled around in my head… What do you do with a girl? What if I squeeze her to hard, I don’t know what to do with hair, how do you play dolls, how do I do makeup, what about her period. Does she know I’m going to beat up all the boys that talk to her. Does she know I don’t want to screw her up? I tried my best to be a good daddy but I had so many of my issues with worth and being afraid that I pushed some responsibilities on your mom that I should have taken care of. I always made sure you dressed well, I even changed 29 diapers when you had the ROTO virus, I l put dresses on your stuffed animals and held you in my lap, I even laid on the floor and let you put make up on me one time. I look back on the years when you were a little girl and a lot of it was a blur. No matter how much I tried to “there” my body was there but my mind was not. I have pictures and you look happy in them but I wasn’t and I know I messed up a lot. I wanted to be better but didn’t know how. No matter what I did you loved me and always told me. When your mom and I fought around you and yelled I never knew the damage we were doing but I didn’t know either because I was to busy worrying about myself.

Fast forward to after our divorce. I knew the only way you would ever feel the loved you and your brother deserved was for me to wake up and become the man and father you needed and deserved. If I didn’t you would find someone like I was and that made me sick. I started getting help and started seeing  how important I was for you. If I could love you and show you that the chances of you being healthy and not looking for a crappy hairy legged guy your chances would be better. I remember the day I moved out of the house and I looked at you and my heart swelled with pride. I looked at you and said that’s my daughter, that’s my blood and wow she is all the best of me. Your gorgeous, your eyes and how you carry yourself would make any parent proud, Your tall, striking and you carry a presence, your independent and at the same time you don’t tolerate crap you’re so accepting of others and what they go through. You took your recess at school and helped the challenged kids and loved them and hugged them when I was afraid of them. Your heart breaks when any animal is hurt, when you see a story about people hurting your heart hurts. You go to the adult  rehab with  your mom and you change the older people’s day by loving them and telling them how special they are. You do everything for your brother. Yes you slap him around a bit but you tell him you love him and watch over him with the most love. I never knew what I would want in a girl but with 13 years of life with you: You are it. God could have never painted a better picture and brought it to life with you.

Finally Morgan Elizabeth Wood: Thank you for giving me a second chance to be your daddy. I wake up every morning knowing nothing is more important than you and your brother. No matter what I did or do you accept me and  you know I m doing my best. I feel it in my heart and see it in your eyes. I will and would die for you at any moment. There is not a bigger cheerleader for you than me. I will be here in your best and your darkest moments. No man will ever love you as much as your daddy. Don’t worry a few months ago when you told me you were proud of me my heart skipped a beat and got stronger because of you. Your truly amazing! Happy 13th birthday Morgan

I love you daddy!!!





Day 831 My love letter to my daughter

6 05 2015

My beautiful angel becomes a teenager tomorrow 13 years old Wow. Nobody I know has ever said a bad thing about her and everyone goes out of their way to compliment her. This is my love letter to my beautiful daughter.

When we were pregnant with you and found out you were going to be a girl no matter how excited we were I was so afraid to have a little a girl. These questions rolled around in my head… What do you do with a girl? What if I squeeze her to hard, I don’t know what to do with hair, how do you play dolls, how do I do makeup, what about her period. Does she know I’m going to beat up all the boys that talk to her. Does she know I don’t want to screw her up? I tried my best to be a good daddy but I had so many of my issues with worth and being afraid that I pushed some responsibilities on your mom that I should have taken care of. I always made sure you dressed well, I even changed 29 diapers when you had the ROTO virus, I l put dresses on your stuffed animals and held you in my lap, I even laid on the floor and let you put make up on me one time. I look back on the years when you were a little girl and a lot of it was a blur. No matter how much I tried to “there” my body was there but my mind was not. I have pictures and you look happy in them but I wasn’t and I know I messed up a lot. I wanted to be better but didn’t know how. No matter what I did you loved me and always told me. When your mom and I fought around you and yelled I never knew the damage we were doing but I didn’t know either because I was to busy worrying about myself.

Fast forward to after our divorce. I knew the only way you would ever feel the loved you and your brother deserved was for me to wake up and become the man and father you needed and deserved. If I didn’t you would find someone like I was and that made me sick. I started getting help and started seeing  how important I was for you. If I could love you and show you that the chances of you being healthy and not looking for a crappy hairy legged guy your chances would be better. I remember the day I moved out of the house and I looked at you and my heart swelled with pride. I looked at you and said that’s my daughter, that’s my blood and wow she is all the best of me. Your gorgeous, your eyes and how you carry yourself would make any parent proud, Your tall, striking and you carry a presence, your independent and at the same time you don’t tolerate crap you’re so accepting of others and what they go through. You took your recess at school and helped the challenged kids and loved them and hugged them when I was afraid of them. Your heart breaks when any animal is hurt, when you see a story about people hurting your heart hurts. You go to the adult  rehab with  your mom and you change the older people’s day by loving them and telling them how special they are. You do everything for your brother. Yes you slap him around a bit but you tell him you love him and watch over him with the most love. I never knew what I would want in a girl but with 13 years of life with you: You are it. God could have never painted a better picture and brought it to life with you.

Finally Morgan Elizabeth Wood: Thank you for giving me a second chance to be your daddy. I wake up every morning knowing nothing is more important than you and your brother. No matter what I did or do you accept me and  you know I m doing my best. I feel it in my heart and see it in your eyes. I will and would die for you at any moment. There is not a bigger cheerleader for you than me. I will be here in your best and your darkest moments. No man will ever love you as much as your daddy. Don’t worry a few months ago when you told me you were proud of me my heart skipped a beat and got stronger because of you. Your truly amazing! Happy 13th birthday Morgan

I love you daddy!!!





Day 631 You should be ashamed of yourself

20 10 2014

My beautiful mom turned 72 years old yesterday. The most important woman God gave me and she is such an amazing person. She sacrificed everything for us for so many years. She gives everything she has to everyone. She is what the movies portray and hallmark writes about.
Everyday mom I love you so much and thank you for being what God created you for. So yeah I’m pretty darn lucky to have her as my mom.

When I write a blog at times I write just because I think someone needs to hear it, I do it just because  or I do it for me so I can go back and read later. This one is for me today. I wrote this on my Facebook account on Thursday. It’s okay to feel shame, hate, anger, embarrassment, for something we have done. It means we still have our convictions and that’s what helps us to not repeat it. We can’t live in those things. I spent the majority of my life beating myself up and many days still do. I try to accept I’m flawed but you have to start telling yourself the good about you. Receive compliments no Matter how foreign they sound to you. GOD forgives us from the moment of our stupidity it’s time we start. We are missing so many glorious moments because we choose to believe things about ourselves that aren’t true. Let’s stop beating up our shadow. ‪#‎realtalk‬. The more I get to speak to groups and just random folks so many of us are so embarrassed and ashamed of our past. When I tell someone who its okay to feel that way the looks on their face is one of being puzzled. Why people can’t understand that WE ALL have done things to be ashamed of. Some of us on a daily basis but no matter what if we still feel convicted then we still have hope. It’s when the conviction of our heart stops that you have a lot to worry about.I could bore you with my list of failures of my past even my past being this morning but we all have them. I still beat the heck out of myself and sometimes I cripple myself with my thoughts on how horrible I am. I then get reminders sometimes suttle and sometimes a smack in the face about how good I am and where I was compared to where I am.

Be ashamed be angry, be fearful but stop living in it. Yes we learn from our past and we sometimes have to remember those things in life to be able to correct or future. You and I are not what we did in our past but if we choose to never leave that behind us we become that. God forgives the moment we decide to be stupid but we live our whole life in our past. If God forgives us don’t you think we should. I promise the days I wake up and decide that I’m okay, I pretty darn special, I’m making a difference. My day is better and my outlook is better. The days that I punch myself in every way I can I lose that day and my outlook sucks. Everyday is not going to be good no matter how great your outlook. Life happens but all that means is that one day was rough don’t stretch that day into a week, month etc..  If you want to learn how to do this start paying other people compliments and words of encouragement. Then when you hear them you start slowly believing in them and accepting them as well. I promise it works if you don’t believe it try it. No matter what you won’t lose.  PS Go Cowboys!





Day 631 You should be ashamed of yourself

19 10 2014

My beautiful mom turned 72 years old yesterday. The most important woman God gave me and she is such an amazing person. She sacrificed everything for us for so many years. She gives everything she has to everyone. She is what the movies portray and hallmark writes about.
Everyday mom I love you so much and thank you for being what God created you for. So yeah I’m pretty darn lucky to have her as my mom.

When I write a blog at times I write just because I think someone needs to hear it, I do it just because  or I do it for me so I can go back and read later. This one is for me today. I wrote this on my Facebook account on Thursday. It’s okay to feel shame, hate, anger, embarrassment, for something we have done. It means we still have our convictions and that’s what helps us to not repeat it. We can’t live in those things. I spent the majority of my life beating myself up and many days still do. I try to accept I’m flawed but you have to start telling yourself the good about you. Receive compliments no Matter how foreign they sound to you. GOD forgives us from the moment of our stupidity it’s time we start. We are missing so many glorious moments because we choose to believe things about ourselves that aren’t true. Let’s stop beating up our shadow. ‪#‎realtalk‬. The more I get to speak to groups and just random folks so many of us are so embarrassed and ashamed of our past. When I tell someone who its okay to feel that way the looks on their face is one of being puzzled. Why people can’t understand that WE ALL have done things to be ashamed of. Some of us on a daily basis but no matter what if we still feel convicted then we still have hope. It’s when the conviction of our heart stops that you have a lot to worry about.I could bore you with my list of failures of my past even my past being this morning but we all have them. I still beat the heck out of myself and sometimes I cripple myself with my thoughts on how horrible I am. I then get reminders sometimes suttle and sometimes a smack in the face about how good I am and where I was compared to where I am.

Be ashamed be angry, be fearful but stop living in it. Yes we learn from our past and we sometimes have to remember those things in life to be able to correct or future. You and I are not what we did in our past but if we choose to never leave that behind us we become that. God forgives the moment we decide to be stupid but we live our whole life in our past. If God forgives us don’t you think we should. I promise the days I wake up and decide that I’m okay, I pretty darn special, I’m making a difference. My day is better and my outlook is better. The days that I punch myself in every way I can I lose that day and my outlook sucks. Everyday is not going to be good no matter how great your outlook. Life happens but all that means is that one day was rough don’t stretch that day into a week, month etc..  If you want to learn how to do this start paying other people compliments and words of encouragement. Then when you hear them you start slowly believing in them and accepting them as well. I promise it works if you don’t believe it try it. No matter what you won’t lose.  PS Go Cowboys!








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