Day 640 Sometimes there are no answers

28 10 2014

My babies and I spent about 1.5 looking for Halloween costumes. I would rather snipe hunt  all day than do that again. If you’re not sure what snipe hunting in Google it then go do it. It’s very relaxing. We are going as Sonic the hedge hog and a nerd fairy. I’m not sure what a nerd fairy is but as a friend of mine said put wings on anything. So there you go.

Today was a rough day: We buried the ashes of a family member that committed suicide last Sunday. After my divorce I have place in my heart for death of any kind that I never had before. I cry, I hurt, I feel for those that grieve, I put myself in those shoes. I especially grieve for those dealing with suicide. The family is left with a lifetime of guilt and wander. The kids are left with a feeling of no worth, no love and a void that can never be filled. I talked to our family member its been a month ago. He called out of the blue from an unknown number. He asked a lot of questions and I gave him so resources. I told him I would do anything for him. Just ask. I would hold his hand, drive him anywhere etc.. his mind was already made up on that call. I hoped he would call me again but I knew when my mom called and just mentioned his name what had happened.

I wont rant about suicide and the ignorance in folks or the little they know about it.  How weak someone is etc… Here’s what I will tell you. The person that commits suicide or attempts it is trying to do us a favor. The have lost every bit of worth, love, fake emotion, and heroism from their   body. they are a dead person walking. The worst part is that our minds are like weapons. They can be so powerful for good but can also destroy in which they do with suicide. People that commit suicide don’t want to they think they are doing us a favor and get them out of your life.Your world would be better without them. If they only knew. Today I counted 208 people at the funeral. If some how we could gather the love we have for someone video it and sending to the hurting then it may stop someone. No  guarantees but they mattered and so do you.

I used to be one ” of those people who based people who committed or attempted suicide. I would talk about how weak they were, coward and stupid. They had damned themselves to hell. All because I didn’t understand suicide. Well the Karma train stopped by train station August 27th 2011. As many of you know I had lost “EVERYTHING” I thought was important. I had finally crossed that line and decided the world and my family, friends and anyone else was better without me. I had written the letter, and at 9:58 pm I sat at he Top of a hill in Aubrey Texas and was ready to make that trip that everyone else deserved. I got lucky that day. I didn’t deserve to live, I was a coward, weak, and stupid and I knew. One rushing thought of my kids and I just stopped everything. Why did I deserve that day to stay alive. Maybe I did want to live and I was looking for attention. Nobody knew of my plan so that wasn’t true. Or maybe I just had it with me and all I failed to do and see, that I lost all control and self-worth, and nobody loved me. What a lie it was! I got lucky!

Today I take that broken man, who has a relationship with God and is truer to everyone he is around and I try to change lives. I hurt, grieve, I smile, I love like I never have. I tell me story to those that want to hear it and those that don’t. My story may change lives or a life. If you get a second chance its time to pay up and do whatever you can to help someone in need. I promise they are around you right now. People screaming out in the quiet for a face, a hand, or an encouraging word. Chris you are loved yesterday, today and tomorrow. You are gone but because of you and many others I will press on and hope that I can catch them the moment before and let them see that they are loved and worthy. Sometimes there are no answers but sometimes there are. Walk outside of yourself and live for someone else. You’ll be glad you did.

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Day 293 Kill or be killed

31 10 2013

Almost Halloween and I like Candy! I’m a fan of Kit Kat, Candy corn and The Candy Pumpkin! Also I’m sure if your old school you remember when we used to get the popcorn balls. That was greatness! Now you can’t give away popcorn balls because we all poison candy or whatever the news says we dd.For the second year in a row we made pumpkin seeds which are great just make sure you boil them first or they are horrible. I found out the first year.

Met a man yesterday at a construction site and sometimes either you have a pull to talk to someone or they feel they need to talk to you! Lucky for me he wanted to talk to me. We talked about the construction project and then he asked for me to tell him my story!  Not sure why besides the fact i looked tired. I explained my childhood, dad, marriage, kids, and hardships very condensed version and the first thing he said to me was overcome! He wanted to ask me questions but I asked for his story first! He explained divorce, the death of his son at 27, his two daughters and his new wife which her ex-husband killed their two sons and himself in front of her.  I was taken back and really started wanting to know why all of this crap happens. He then pulls out his bible. (This is very rare in the construction world I have seen more porn mags than bibles) and turns to revelations.  He has it highlighted and underlined the word overcome. It’s there 3 times and then looks at me and said besides, faith, hope and love God wants us to overcome! In my head I was like duh I know that, but then he said you know like the times you wanted to kill yourself. He probably thought I was looking at him like I saw a ghost, or when you thought about giving up your kids and moving away? (Again my Ghost face) or the time you business went away and your whole entire worth as a person was gone! I know you wanted to quit but you overcame.

This guy is probably 60 and that’s what I love about wisdom and older age. You know before you ask because all of our lives are very similar. He explained how he wanted to kill himself, his lack of worth and just being fed up with being a shitty man! He said the first part of overcoming is trying to stop understanding the unexplainable. Surround yourself with people that are good for your life, and finally count your blessings, rather than your loses. He said if you do the opposite of those your killing yourself or your going to be killed by someone else. Not in a physical way but once we give someone else the power typically that person is there to kill our soul! I needed to hear this man yesterday! I sat there think about all of my oh why me! Then I heard what I needed to hear!

If you know me I started the world in my mom’s Stomach upside down feet first (Which will be the title of my book). I started rough and it really didn’t get any smoother. People don’t care about the pain in your life because they have it too. They just want to see the baby or the painted picture of your pain. If you want to lead people or be an example you have to overcome. There really isn’t a choice! I stepped back yesterday and looked at what I had overcome since birth and where I’m at today and I’m proud! I’m not proud of some of the situations I was in but Im here and Im making a difference. I listen to the men in my men’s group and they heap tons of praise on me, I have friends  that love me and I have total strangers that tell me thank you for being vulnerable and telling you what I have overcome so they may have hope! God will bless the one that overcomes. It’s in Revelations in the bible God’s word! If anything I have learned God hasn’t lied to me yet so overcoming is all I know to do!





Day 293 Kill or be killed

30 10 2013

Almost Halloween and I like Candy! I’m a fan of Kit Kat, Candy corn and The Candy Pumpkin! Also I’m sure if your old school you remember when we used to get the popcorn balls. That was greatness! Now you can’t give away popcorn balls because we all poison candy or whatever the news says we dd.For the second year in a row we made pumpkin seeds which are great just make sure you boil them first or they are horrible. I found out the first year.

Met a man yesterday at a construction site and sometimes either you have a pull to talk to someone or they feel they need to talk to you! Lucky for me he wanted to talk to me. We talked about the construction project and then he asked for me to tell him my story!  Not sure why besides the fact i looked tired. I explained my childhood, dad, marriage, kids, and hardships very condensed version and the first thing he said to me was overcome! He wanted to ask me questions but I asked for his story first! He explained divorce, the death of his son at 27, his two daughters and his new wife which her ex-husband killed their two sons and himself in front of her.  I was taken back and really started wanting to know why all of this crap happens. He then pulls out his bible. (This is very rare in the construction world I have seen more porn mags than bibles) and turns to revelations.  He has it highlighted and underlined the word overcome. It’s there 3 times and then looks at me and said besides, faith, hope and love God wants us to overcome! In my head I was like duh I know that, but then he said you know like the times you wanted to kill yourself. He probably thought I was looking at him like I saw a ghost, or when you thought about giving up your kids and moving away? (Again my Ghost face) or the time you business went away and your whole entire worth as a person was gone! I know you wanted to quit but you overcame.

This guy is probably 60 and that’s what I love about wisdom and older age. You know before you ask because all of our lives are very similar. He explained how he wanted to kill himself, his lack of worth and just being fed up with being a shitty man! He said the first part of overcoming is trying to stop understanding the unexplainable. Surround yourself with people that are good for your life, and finally count your blessings, rather than your loses. He said if you do the opposite of those your killing yourself or your going to be killed by someone else. Not in a physical way but once we give someone else the power typically that person is there to kill our soul! I needed to hear this man yesterday! I sat there think about all of my oh why me! Then I heard what I needed to hear!

If you know me I started the world in my mom’s Stomach upside down feet first (Which will be the title of my book). I started rough and it really didn’t get any smoother. People don’t care about the pain in your life because they have it too. They just want to see the baby or the painted picture of your pain. If you want to lead people or be an example you have to overcome. There really isn’t a choice! I stepped back yesterday and looked at what I had overcome since birth and where I’m at today and I’m proud! I’m not proud of some of the situations I was in but Im here and Im making a difference. I listen to the men in my men’s group and they heap tons of praise on me, I have friends  that love me and I have total strangers that tell me thank you for being vulnerable and telling you what I have overcome so they may have hope! God will bless the one that overcomes. It’s in Revelations in the bible God’s word! If anything I have learned God hasn’t lied to me yet so overcoming is all I know to do!





Day 71 Holloween

31 10 2012

A great evening for the kids. We racked up on the candy and dad saw to many scantily clad women. My 4-year-old son said the women’s boobs are showing. Thank Gosh it got dark.

I actually went to my Amy (my exes) home and we made the most of our first holiday to spend together. It went well except for all the people coming up and saying they were sorry and couldn’t believe what happened. Heard a lot that we were brave to be together. I said really its okay anything for our kids. The best thing about Holloween is that tomorrow starts the true holiday season. I love the holidays and yes all the other stuff that comes with it. I know I’m  not spelling Halloween correct there is a reason.

My email was hacked today and besides the fact that a message went out saying that I was in the Philippines and I got arrested every email I had is gone. I m not sure how that happened but I have a password now that only God himself could figure out. Please don’t test me though.

Because I m tired I wanted to leave you with 10 things to talk about tomorrow from yahoo10 Things for Thursday

Your daily look at late-breaking news, upcoming events and stories that will be talked about on Thursday:

1. NYC’S SUBWAYS GET BACK ON TRACK

Limited subway service will resume Thursday morning, but not in lower Manhattan where the power remains out, officials say.

2. WHAT HAPPENED TO NEW JERSEY’S BARRIER ISLANDS

Superstorm Sandy turned the cherished area into a hazardous wasteland of badly eroded shore, ruined beachfront homes, flooded streets and damaged utilities.

3. WHERE NOT TO GO TRICK-OR-TREATING

The White House canceled its Halloween tradition because of Sandy and donated the goodies to the organizations that would have participated.

4. THE US ROLE IN SHAPING THE SYRIAN OPPOSITION

Hillary Clinton says the White House is suggesting people and groups to play key roles in the rebel leadership.

5. WHO AMERICANS THINK CAN END POLITICAL GRIDLOCK

An Associated Press-GfK poll found that more voters trust Romney to break the stalemate in Washington.

6. AFGHANS SET 2014 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION

Many hail the announcement as a step toward a peaceful transition of power, but the Taliban denounces it as meaningless and vows to keep on fighting.

7. WHEN A MILITARY TRADITION TURNS INTO A BRAWL

An Air Force Academy ritual of freshmen throwing upperclassmen into the snow results in a fight with 27 cadets injured.

8. THE UNIQUE DISCOVERY AGENTS FIND ON A BORDER FENCE

Two suspected smugglers who got their jeep stuck on the top of the barrier flee from authorities after they tried use ramps to enter the U.S. from Mexico.

9. HOW ONE INVESTOR GIVES NETFLIX STOCK A BOOST

Carl Icahn reveals he used some of his $14 billion fortune to get a 10 percent stake in the DVD rental giant, causing its stock price to soar 14 percent.

10. GIANTS FANS GET A HALLOWEEN TREAT

Tens of thousands of fans don the team’s holiday-appropriate orange and black colors to congratulate the World Series champs in a parade.








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