Day 1527 Please Daddy hold my hand

30 04 2017

 

I hope all of you are well. I’m going to get right into it today

I can remember 4 times in my life my dad held my hand. I was about 5 years old at the fort worth zoo and it was really crowded. I’m not sure why remember that but I do remember the feeling of how good it felt.

2nd time was my junior year of high school and I had just had a major operation on my leg. My dad wheeled me out on the football field and each teammate came by and high-fived me and when they were done I was crying. He grabbed my hand and said you’ll be their next year.
3rd time was my college graduation. My dad was very sick at this time and always in pain. Since W. Is in my last name I was at the end. He sat through the entire graduation. When I got to get over to my parents I stuck my hand out to shake his. He shook it but then it went from that to locking hands. He was crying and said thank you for always fulfilling my dreams of what my son could be.
Finally February 11 2005, my dad went into a coma at home. I got to my parents  at 11:00 pm. After hours of talking to him, they said he could hear me, I got up went outside and talked to God and said please take him. If you didn’t know I had a father wound, and was embarrassed and at times hated my dad. I was so ready for him to die. Around 7:00 am I went to his bed and laid down next to him. I took his hand and locked it with mine. I know he wanted that. At 720 am he took his last breath and I felt life leave him through my hand and his.
Why do i tell you this? I always wanted my dad to hold my hand and bring me along. That’s not what men did back then even though it was the most memorable and heartfelt things we did. I just never told him.
When I got my 2nd chance at life in 2011 I said I will hold my kids hands always especially my son. I guess I always have it’s because 2nd nature for me so I don’t realize I’m doing it.
Yesterday we were at a memorial service  and I’m very lovey with my kids. Rubbing their head, holding hands etc…as we sat at the service doing those things I was realizing how much my son loved to hold my hand.
We were leaving the memorial and a very old gentleman came up to me and said that boy if yours sure loves you. I said yes sir he does. He said you have no idea how I know do you? No sir I don’t. I saw you rubbing his head, but what caught my eye is every time you stood up to sing you locked hands and you held it the whole time. Remember this son, your teaching him love and continue so you won’t regret what you didn’t do. Yes sir and I hugged him.
So hold my hand daddy I need you. I wont forget that old man yesterday or the love my sin has for me. When I think I’m failing them im doing more than I realized.




Day 496 Love PFFT

8 06 2014

It has been a busy week. My son graduated from preschool, my daughter finally got to have her birthday at a pool because her cast is she’s better,  my grandmother became the oldest person attending a George strait concert last night at 96 and today we started packing my moms house.

B's graduation

 

I never knew packing up boxes could be so difficult but packing certain things brought up memories and then you find the photo albums. I got to show my kids a lot of people and places but mostly I got to see pictures of my dad smiling when I was younger. I almost forgot he smiled because I only remembered him sick.Left me with some good memories which I needed to.

I know there are some couples in love even after 5, 10, and 20 years. I mean real love that no matter what they are going to be there and fight to there is no more breathe in their body. Then I get around friends, church members, work people and I feel horrible about love. People have forgotten about it and have no clue about. Love isn’t about us it’s about the other person. I hear all the time man I envy the situation you’re in. You can find anybody, fall in love or just screw around to you find someone to love.I can count right now 10 couples on the verge of divorce and the reason is that they aren’t loved. The challenge here is that you cannot desire to GET LOVE and BE LOVING at the same time. The intent to get love will always lead to a closed heart and controlling behavior, which shuts out love. The intent to be loving, and to learn what is loving to yourself and others in any given moment, is what opens the heart. When you choose the intent to be loving with yourself and others, you will experience real love.I want more than anything to have that love but even reading the bible about  the disciples they struggled with the definition of love and carrying it through. In the microwave society I’m begging to believe that people either get what they want from someone now or they dump them and move to the person that will give them what they need. They never find it so they end up with nothing.Or you can be like me that you have got to the point that you believe that the love that we all desire isn’t real you put a wall and see if someone will tear it down. If they don’t you just move on.

If you asked me do you believe in love I would say yes: I believe in the superficial, Facebook, Hollywood love that isn’t real. Do I believe in the I would take a bullet for you, real, loyal, that no matter what you did we will get through it love the answer is no. I want it and Im working on opening my heart to it. I always wondering why there is a mandatory relationship class in high school to teach us to deal and love with others. We go in so blind, then try to mold and shape someone to love  us the way we think we should be loved,  but we don’t know that for ourselves so now we get into relationships and wonder how did this fail, Thats what happens when you trying to hit a nail with a screwdriver. I do know this I can love that way and have and I sum it up into one word that if I can find someone who knows and can use the word I will be in love again. SACRIFICE! It’s so simple but yet almost impossible to find in someone.

 

 








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